Summary: Calvin is signed up to the school psycologist's office.
To Garfieldodie: I saw the notice you put up on your profile about Retro Chill. Can't wait to get that started! Also, What TV show would I find Pajama Sam in? I'd like to see how his voice is performed.
And Now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Calvin Gets Professional Help
It started out like any other Saturday in January.
Susie awoke from a sound sleep and had breakfast.
She ate some heart healthy Raisin Bran Cereal.
Then she opened her school books and reviewed the next chapter.
(Gad! This show would BORING if it was about Susie!)
Everything seemed to going well, when just then, she heard the doorbell.
Susie got up, and walked to the door.
She opened it, and saw a severed snowman head laying on her porch!
She yelled in shock for a second, then angrily put on her jacket, and trudged across the street.
She banged on Calvin's door.
Calvin opened the door and stared at her.
"Yes?" He asked.
"You really need some professional help." Susie snapped.
"What makes you think it was me?" Calvin asked, innocently.
Susie slammed the door in Calvin's face.
"Calvin who was that?" Mom asked.
"Oh, just a alien creature, that's all." Calvin called.
Mom sighed, and shook her head.
Calvin walked up the stairs to his room.
The next day, Calvin trudged through the snow, with a telephone.
"Where are you going with that?" Hobbes asked.
"To try bird calls." Calvin said.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"So weird." He said.
The next day at school, Miss Wormwood turned to Calvin and asked,
"Calvin, can you tell me what Lewis and Clark did?"
Calvin grinned.
"No, but I can tell you the secret origin of every member in Captain Napalm's thermonuclear Justice League of Liberty."
There was a moment of silence.
"See me after class, Calvin." Miss Wormwood said.
Calvin looked shocked.
"Calvin, did you read the history report I assigned you?"
Calvin blinked.
"I tried Miss Wormwood, but the author must have made a mistake in the book, because, as soon as I opened the book, all the words fell out of the book, and onto the floor into a heap of gibberish."
Miss Wormwood stared at him.
"You must have really had to practice for that one." She said.
Calvin blinked.
"Uuuhhhh..."
The next thing Calvin knew he was in the Mr Spittle's office.
"Calvin," he said. "Why don't you read the reports assigned to you?"
"Because, Mr Spitty." Calvin said. "None of the reports I do are on Dinosaurs. I mean I know the name of every Dinosaur discovered! I can even rattle them off in alphabetical order! Do you want to hear?"
"No."
"Ok then, but only because you pleaded on hands and knees. Albertosaurus, Allosaurus, Anatosaurus, Ankylosaurus, Apatosaurus, Archaeop ..."
"Calvin, please!" Mr Spittle shouted. "This discussion is not on Dinosaurs. It's on your study habits!"
"How boring." Calvin said.
"Calvin, I'm putting you in the school physiologist office." Mr Spittle yelled. "I want him to do some deep digging here."
"Why can't you do it?" Calvin asked.
"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Mr Spittle yelled, and Calvin ran out.
"The school physiologist office?" Hobbes asked later that day. "Ouch."
"Yeah, this time it's a guy called Dr Sam."
"Sam eh?" Hobbes asked. "Remember what happened to Dr Dean?"
"Yes." Calvin said.
A flashback started.
"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" A woman in a white jacket screamed, bursting from a smoking physiologist office. "HE'S A MONSTER!"
Miss Wormwood, Susie, Moe, Mr Lockjaw, and Mr Spittle stared at the now mad Dr Dean, and then to Calvin who was standing in the middle of the smoke cloud with a slightly surprised expression.
He looked up at the row of faces in front of him.
"Oops." He said.
The flashback ended.
"I hear that Dr Sam's gonna be more tougher though." Calvin said.
"For his sake, I hope so." Hobbes said.
The next day, Calvin and Hobbes sat on the waiting bench.
"Thanks for accompanying me, Hobbes." Calvin said.
"Hey what are friends for?" Hobbes asked.
"I dunno." Calvin said. "I thought they were for enemy substitutes."
Just then a tall man with orange dyed hair opened the door.
He had blue eyes, a serious expression, and was carrying a notepad.
"Next." He said.
Calvin dragged his stuffed tiger into the office.
"Lets start with the couch therapy thing!" Calvin shouted.
He pushed the man into his chair, and laid down on the couch.
"Well for some reason somebody had brainwashed me so that I couldn't remember anything until I'm three. I obviously some kind of secret agent, and the enemy brainwashed me to believe that I'm a simple every day kid! However, it has began to wore off, and I am reminded of what a geniuses I am!"
Dr Sam stared at Calvin.
"That's not where I want to start." He said.
" Oh. Ok." Calvin said, getting up. "Lets do everything you wanna do!"
Dr Sam rolled his eyes.
"First what is your name?"
"Calvin the bold."
"Uuuhh-huuuuh."
Dr Sam wrote something on his notepad.
"How old are you?"
"27, and my voice hasn't changed yet."
"Mmm-hmmm."
Dr Sam wrote in his pad again.
"And who's that?" He asked pointing at Hobbes.
"What does he look like? He's a tiger, you imbecile! His name is Hobbes."
Dr Sam gave the stuffed animal on the floor a blank stare.
"Okay." He said, slowly, writing in his pad again.
"Now, Calvin, I'm going to say random words, and your going to tell me the first word that comes in your head. Ready?"
"Yes." Calvin said.
"Tiger."
"Tiger."
"Imagination."
"Imagination."
Dr Sam sighed.
"The point is to say something different Than what I say."
"OH! Ok." Calvin said.
"Tomato."
"Tamato"
"Potato."
"Patoto."
Dr Sam slapped his forehead.
"Ok." He said. "I'm going to have you close your eyes, and tell me what you see."
Calvin closed his eyes.
"A whole bunch of black." He said.
"No, go into your imagination." Dr Sam said.
"Which one?" Calvin asked.
Dr Sam stared at him.
"Which one? What do you mean, which one! I don't care!"
"Ok." Calvin said.
There was a moment of silence, then...
"SPACEMAN SPIFF JUMPS THROUGH THE AIR!" Calvin screamed, leaping out of the chair.
Dr Sam watched Calvin run around the room, going "whooosh!"
"Oh NO!" Calvin screamed. "The evil Doik-ters are coming to capture our famous hero! no. No. NO! NO! GET BACK!"
Calvin grabbed The first thing he saw, and lifted it over Dr Sam.
"Hey!" Dr Sam yelled. "Where'd you get that bicycle?"
"BACK! BACK! BACK!" Calvin screamed, slamming the bike into Dr Sam's chair.
Dr Sam got away just in time.
"Ok." Dr Sam said, "I'm giving you an arrangement of words here. You can put them in any way you like."
Calvin grinned.
"Ok!" He said.
Dr Sam looked over Calvin's shoulders.
"Uh... You're making me nervous." Calvin said.
"Oh, sorry." Dr Sam walked to his desk.
Calvin spent the next few minutes rearranging the words.
"DONE!" Calvin called.
Dr Sam walked over.
"I put them in the shape of a Velociraptor."
Dr Sam stared at the live-sized sculpture of a Velociraptor.
"I was going to make another but I ran out of paper." Calvin said.
Dr Sam squeezed his eyes shut.
"Alright." Dr Sam said. "I'm going to show you some pictures and your gonna tell me what you see in it."
"Ok." Calvin said.
Dr Sam held up a piece of paper.
"An ink splotch." Calvin said.
Dr Sam rolled his eyes.
"I mean what you see in the ink splotch! What picture is it in the shape of?"
"Oh." Calvin said.
Calvin took another look at it.
"A TV."
Dr Sam held up another one.
"Dracula."
Dr Sam held up another.
"Another TV."
Dr Sam held up a fourth.
"Rupert Chill and Earl the aliens"
Fifth.
"A Utahraptor"
Sixth.
"There's the TV, again."
Seventh.
"Me."
Dr Sam rolled his eyes.
"Now," He said. "I'm going to say some movie titles, and you stop me when you hear one you like. Bratz movie."
Dr Sam received a blank stare.
"Bionicle, the Movie."
Blank stare.
"Barbi Swan princess."
Blank stare.
"Jurassic Park."
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Calvin shouted.
"Ok." Dr Sam said. "How about The Lost World?"
No answer.
Dr Sam turned to Calvin.
He was asleep.
Dr Sam growled in frustration.
"I'm going to hold up two items at a time. You tell me which one you'd rather play with."
Dr Sam held up a screwdriver, and a baseball.
"The screwdriver." Calvin said.
Dr Sam held then held up a CD and a frisbee.
Calvin stared at it for a long time.
"Uhhh..." He said. "The CD!"
"And why is that?" Dr Sam asked.
"Because It can be used as frisbee, and a Compact Disk!"
Dr Sam rolled his eyes.
"I'm going to say some certain words to see how you react to them." Dr Sam Said.
"Right." Calvin said.
"Cape and cowl."
"YOU CAN NOT BEAT STUPENDOUS MAN!" Calvin screamed. "HE HAS THE POWERS OF A MILLION MORTAL MEN! SURRENDER!"
"Detective."
"TRACER BULLET ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN! YOUR UNDER ARREST! FIEND!"
"DC comics."
"The amazing Batman swoops over the big stupid joker!"
Dr Sam sighed.
"Now" Dr Sam said. "I want to have a discussion with you about Hobbes."
"Ask anything you want." Calvin said.
"Ok." Dr Sam said. " Does Hobbes eat?"
"Of corse he eats, you idiot, he's a tiger!" Calvin yelled.
"What does he eat?"
"Tuna." Calvin said.
"Have you ever had any doubts of Hobbes' existence?"
Calvin picked Hobbes up.
"TAKE A LOOK AT HIM, YOU MORON! HE BLINKS HIS EYES, MOVES, EATS TUNA, TALKS, AND HAS A SERENITY PERSONALITY! DOES THE WORD 'FAKE' STRIKE YOUR MIND?"
"Uuhhh..." Dr Sam scratched his head.
"What does Hobbes usually say?" Dr Sam asked.
"Talk to him, Hobbes!" Calvin said. "Tell him what your made of!"
There was a long moment of silence as the stuffed tiger gave Dr Sam a blank stare.
"See there!" Calvin said, "He just listed off all the big cat species in alphabetical order!"
Dr Sam rolled his eyes.
"How tall is he?" He asked.
Calvin stared at him
"Are you blind? Take a looksy at him! I'd say about 5 foot 12."
Dr Sam stared at the stuffed tiger that looked no taller than six inches.
"Ok." He said. "Would Hobbes like to talk with me?"
Calvin and Dr Sam looked over at Hobbes.
He had fallen over.
"See?" Calvin said. "He's already bored to death with your droning conversation! He's fallen asleep!"
Dr Sam slapped his forehead.
"I have one last test." Dr Sam said.
"What might that be?" Calvin asked.
"Hypnosis." Dr Sam said.
"Did you hear that, Hobbes!" Calvin said, excitedly. "I'm gonna be hypnotized!"
Dr Sam pulled out a watch.
"Ok, now watch the gold pocket watch."
Calvin watched it going back and forth. Back and Forth. Back and forth.
"Now when I count to three, you're gonna fall into a deep sleep. One... two... THREE."
Calvin's head fell behind the chair, and his snore started.
"Now, when I snap my fingers you will awaken, and tell me why you're so bizarre."
Dr Sam snapped his fingers.
A little later, Calvin woke up.
Dr Sam was sitting in a chair, and staring at him.
"Well, doc?" Calvin asked. "What did you find in my subconscious?"
Dr Sam stared at Calvin.
"There's nothing in your subconscious worth mentioning." He said.
"Oh." Calvin said. "Ok."
Dr Sam walked out of the room.
He picked up the phone, and dialed a number.
"Hello?" Mom asked, picking up the phone.
"Hello, this is Dr Sam." Dr Sam said.
"Oh, hello, and how was he?"
"Calvinish." Dr Sam said. "However, I think I know what you should do to cure him."
"What's that?"
"He appears to have an overactive imagination. Triggered it seems by certain words. He also seems to be having a lot of hallucinations, with his stuffed tiger being real, and Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff, and Tracer Bullet." Dr Sam said. "This usually happens when the patient isn't getting enough attention. All I suggest is that you spend just a little more time with him. Give him what he wants, and maybe keep him out of school for a few days. And after a few days he'll probably stop. He might even stop carrying that stuffed tiger around."
"Oh, thank you, Dr Sam." Mom said.
"Mmm-hmmm." Dr Sam smiled.
Just then a crash sounded from the office.
Dr Sam jumped.
"I have to go now." Dr Sam Said, and with that, he slammed the phone on the hook.
He burst into the office.
Calvin was standing in the middle of a dust cloud.
The desk, bookcase, and chairs were all toppled over.
Calvin looked at the wreckage, then looked at Dr Sam.
"Whoopsy." He said. Dr Sam's eyes rolled into his head.
"Get out." He said.
Calvin grabbed Hobbes, and rushed out, as fast as he could.
"Wow what a grump!" Calvin snarled.
"Perhaps you shouldn't have laughed like that when you told him a Velociraptor was about to attack him." Hobbes said.
Calvin sat on the couch two days later, watching Captain Napalm.
"Wow, ever since That appointment, your parents have been doing everything for you!" Hobbes grinned. "At dinner today, they even let you eat in the living room, and you got to watch TV, and eat cookies!"
Calvin smiled.
"That appointment worked wonders!" Calvin grinned.
Calvin snapped his fingers.
Mom rushed into the room.
"What is it Calvin?" She asked, quickly. "More pillows? More donuts? The remote?"
Calvin snapped his fingers twice.
"Ah! More donuts!" Mom rushed out of the room.
"Ya know," Hobbes said. "Your parents are gonna find out this therapy on your imagination problem isn't working, and they'll stop."
"True." Calvin said, munching down on a donut.
"But still," He said. "I'm gonna have a lot of fun this week!"
The End
Voice Work
Pamela Segal: Calvin
Tom Hanks: Hobbes
Dakota Fanning: Susie
Mary Jo Catlett: Miss Wormwood
George Clooney: Mr Spittle/Dr Sam
Mr. Lawrence: Insane Dr Dean
Dee Bradley Baker: Miscellaneous voice work
Coming up Next: Home Un-Alone