I don't really want talk about it. My head is killing me. Johnny just got home and brought me a box of tissues for my nose which started bleeding again after I ran into the wall half an hour ago (didn't mean to). He also has a bag of that Pilaf Rice I really like and he promised to make me dinner. I smell it now.
Yesterday he sat behind me and examined my back for a little bit, to see if anything was getting infected. I refused to remove my shirt and I didn't have the strength to actually put on a bra, so he only had to lift that back up. I didn't really enjoy him touching my back because I had just gotten the bleeding to stop and when he ran his hand over some of the scabs they split open again.
I'm pretty sure he wrote his name in exacto knife but I'm too scared to look in a mirror.
My face is okay now though, except for a teeny scar on my eyebrow, but its all white now and I think I got that years ago. I don't think he had anything to do with it...I think.
He just cracked his neck. Like a machine gun. Pop pop pop pop...he needs exercise. Or, an exorcism. Ha, I'm so funny.
Wednesday (3:44 am) - Rah. Dislocated my right arm today. I'm becoming way too jumpy. Johnny set it alright for me, but damn does it hurt. I dislocated it because I'm really nervous these days and spazzed out when Johnny tried to wake me up earlier. I was having a nightmare anyway and he freaked me out and I smashed my self into a wall because I forgot it was there...that's what happens when you sleep against a friggin wall.
I'm refusing to speak of what happened in the basement. Just because the voice in my head is asking. And because the minute Johnny stops being nice to me, I'm going to hang myself.
Though...if didn't think I was going to die...I would have enjoyed the bondage. The pain not so much. Only a little.
This is why I deserve to die.
Thursday (3:12 am) - Ahh! My ankle hurts! I don't believe there is a part of my body that isn't bruised or other wise bleeding. I may be more miserable right now than I have been before. Its like no matter what I do try and make myself happy, someone comes in and fucks shit up so badly.
I need a friend.I need another human being who can give me a hug and say "aww its okay don't cry" instead of trying to kill me.
Friday (10:00 pm) - I did something not-so-cool earlier. Johnny was staring out the window for t least three hours. I felt better today...and it was making me sick. So I tackled him. I really messed up my ankle which was healing, and my back bled a little, and minor injuries like that happened, but the point is that I got Johnny. Real good. I walked right up to him and punched the back of his head. He turned and had that LOOK in his eyes but I wasn't afraid of it anymore. I started pounding his face with my fists against the plywood that was his window. I expected him to fight back, maybe, or something. Instead, he kung-fu'd me by grabbing my wrists and my momentum carried me almost out the window. He then crossed my arms over my chest and covered my hands with his own. I used this move once on my little sister who tired to punch me for stealing some candy that was supposedly hers.
In any case, suddenly we're both looking out the window at the sunset, Johnny's not moving and being very quiet. I tried to squirm away and he tightened his grip on my hands and nearly crushed me in a bear hug. For a little guy, he has a lot of power. And he was currently pressing a little too hard against my back. I felt the skin rip a little. I whimpered, hoping he'd notice.
"You're weird, you know that?" he said softly at the red sun, "you're some kind of fucked up. Sado-masochistic, sad little girl. Why don't you just go home?"
Because you are currently crushing me, that's why.
"See, the problem is, I want to hurt you. A lot."
Oh God. When he gets this creepy, I want to hide. But I cant. Because he's crushing me.
"But experience tells me that perhaps, that's not the best way to keep a friend. Or girlfriend. Or...anyone."
Sun goes down. If he sprouts fangs and bites me I'll consider this a fulfilling evening. I don't want to hear a speech.
"What do you think, BatGirl? What should I do with you? Should I keep you the way you are, all broken? Or should I just throw you away now?"
Eek!
He stayed quiet for a while, still immobilizing my arms. I waited very quietly. My back was killing me. My shoulder's were beginning to ache something awful. I felt his slow breathing. He was tightening his grip on my hands...I hope he didn't mean to break my fingers. He had already dislocated both arms (one of them to even out the fact that he had accidentally dislocated the other) and I needed my fingers.
Thankfully, he let go once the sky turned black. And...I'm tired of writing. I'm going to go sleep.
Sunday (6:19 am) - I had the best night! It started out shitty though. I went down to the local video store to rent something, and I run into Johnny, who was milling around like a retard in front of the 24/7. We're inside Blockbuster. There's this annoying group of college kids, the idiot ones who are there to make noise and fuck with people. You know, right? They're just hanging out looking at videos and calling each other "douche bags". I walk by one of them and he coughs "ugly" under his breath in that not-so-subtle way.
See...I wasn't feeling that horribly confident anyway. My hair was chopped in all sorts of funny ways (Johnny makes a shitty barber) and my black eyes was still fading. So I tired to ignore him but, I'll admit, it really hurt. Even though his girlfriend laughed and fake-pushed him, saying "oh you're so mean!". I knew Johnny heard cuz he was behind me at the time. I felt really stupid.
I picked up my movie and paid for it, but as I was walking out, Johnny grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side of the building.
"Wait," he said and leaned against it. We both sat under the sign together for a while. I didn't say anything, but I was suddenly feeling very self-conscious about my hair. It was pretty short for the most part...though some pieces in back were longer...I knew I looked like an accident victim. I didn't want to start crying right then but I knew my eyes were beginning to burn.
Johnny rubbed my head like petting a dog. Which felt really funny. Because head-fuzz feels funny to the person being petted.
Then the guys came out, the ones who made fun of me. Johnny jumped up like a flash and walked up right behind the one who, specifically, called me ugly. Ripping his girlfriend away from him, Johnny lashed out with his right foot and sunk it into the guys lower back, knocking him the ground.
The other guys stared in confusion for a moment, because Johnny really gives no warning when he strikes. Like a fuckin cobra. The girl screamed first. One of the other guys, this blond one in a navy blue jacket, took a swing at Johnny, who ducked awkwardly, and suddenly, times stopped. The guy stood mid swing, unmoving. Johnny hand his hand buried in the guys gut. The girl ran to the car some 20 feet away.
When Johnny pulled back, I saw his gloved hand was gleaming under the yellowish glow of the Blockbuster sign. And I saw that the handle of his knife was still imbedded in the blond guys stomach. And you know what? I was rooting for Johnny the whole time.
The blond guy keeled over and...eh long story short, because the action gets to me, we dragged that muthafugga all the way home. I'm real happy right now because I feel hideous justification. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel ALIVE. Because he got what was coming to him. All of them, minus that bitch that got away, got what they deserved.
Sadly...this makes perfect sense to me. Suddenly I realize that...o god I am a Nazi.
In any case...we got the not-blond guy to Johnny's basement (we left the blond guy on the street, fuggim) because despite the fact that he weighed more than me and Johnny combined I bet, we did it TOGETHER.
Monday (3:48 am) Watched Tv "The Iron Giant" is my favorite animated movie of all time, ever. It was spectacular. My god, I wish live action movie were that great.
Erm...in other news, I split my lip open a little while ago sneezing...the change in weather always affects me the same way; dry lips and itchy skin.
Tuesday (2:00 am) - Nanananananana BATMAN! They played those wicked old reruns of Batman on TV yesterday. So I went out to the local goth store and bought myself a coolest batman logo belt buckle. And the belt to go with it but the pyramid shiny pieces are wicked uneven, so I had to remove three rows of them, thusly stabbing my fingers with the sharp bits in back. Anyway…I have an awesome belt.
Monday (3:12 am) - Guess what I found wandering the streets two days ago. It was a cat. So I adopted it, and carried it home, named it "Spooky" and it scratched my face off when I tried to feed it, so I let it run rampant through the house. Johnny got miserable, more than usual, when he started sneezing and dying on me. Turns out, he's allergic to cats. That's so cute. But I sent him out for cat food and he came back with rat poison instead. Bastard. Spooky scratched him as he tried to get near it, so, Im going to keep it, as it is the perfect pet. Its able to defend itself against the madmen. Go kitty!
Thursday (9:56 am) - I want to cause him some pain. Like he caused me. You know…the first kick in the ribs that night so long ago…when he stitched up my thumb and it killed…how he waited so long to save me from "Ash" the vampire and I got hit in the head with someone hard and heavy…and most recently, the fact that he didn't write HIS name on my back, but MY name, my 7 fuckin letter name…
So, what I did was go up to him while he watched television and tell him that Devi would never date him again because he was a selfish, worthless loser who was so fucked in the head that only a long complicated Freudian word would describe what was wrong with him. I also told him that he should stop whining about killing himself and do so quietly just to shut the fuck up, so I didn't have to hear him bitch.
And then I felt very very bad because he got that look on his face. His eyes glittered like he was about to cry, his lips were pressed together tightly, and he only blinked and looked down into his lap. And….said….nothing.
I left the room and took two sleeping pills to go to sleep and not wake up for a good 8 hours.
I am a horrible person.
Friday (3:22 am) - rah! Spooky slept in my bed today! It laid itself down next to me in a curled ball and purred! It actually purred! I was so happy I cried, because for once, I had warm fuzzy small mammals happy to be in my company I think me and the Spookster are going to be very good friends.