Summary: After watching CHILD'S PLAY, Calvin becomes paranoid that there are killer barbi dolls in the basement.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Home Un Alone
"Behold, Hobbes." Calvin said to Hobbes one day. "My latest invention."
Calvin held a thin object to Hobbes.
"A pencil?" Hobbes asked, eyeing it.
Calvin was holding a brand new un-sharpened pencil.
"Heck no." Calvin grinned. "It's my latest version of the Duplicator. It's called the Mini Duplicator."
"Uh huh."
"Wanna try it out?" Calvin asked.
"Uh uh."
"Oh come on, Hobbes. It's painless."
"I'm not worried about pain, Calvin. I'm worried about what happened the last two times we duplicated something."
"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "We'll duplicate something harmless. Like..."
Calvin looked around.
"Like this fridge magnet."
Calvin grabbed a fridge magnet.
"What harm could it possibly do if we duplicated a magnet?"
"I don't care." Hobbes said. "No object is harmless enough so that you can't twist it into a death trap."
"Fine." Calvin said. "You go ahead and run off, screaming like a loon, while I duplicate a magnet."
Calvin held the flat end of the pencil up to the magnet, and hit the eraser "button" on the top.
-boink-
the machine made a small sound, and another magnet appeared in Calvin's hands.
"There." Calvin said. "Now how horrible was that?"
Hobbes stared at the two magnets in Calvin's hands.
Finally he spoke.
"Yes. No. I don't care. Don't ever speak to me, again."
Calvin grinned sweetly, and punched the magnets onto the fridge.
Just then, Calvin heard his Mom on the phone.
"You can't? You are? Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. No, we'll be alright. Yes? Ok. Well, thanks anyway. Mmm-hmm. Goodbye."
Mom hung up.
Dad came into the room.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Rosalyn's sick." Mom sighed. "She can't babysit Calvin, tonight."
"Oh, that's too bad." Dad clicked.
"Why are you sad?" Calvin asked. "We should be celebrating! The evil babysitter from the Black Lagoon is weak! This should go into Ripley's Believe it or Not."
Mom and Dad stared at Calvin.
"Are you sure she was sick with the flu, and not just sick with the kid with static electricity for hair?" Dad asked.
Mom stared at Calvin as if contemplating that.
Calvin glared at his parents, and left the room.
"What should we do?" Mom asked.
"We'll only be gone for a few hours." Dad said. "Don't you think we could leave Calvin unsupervised for a night?"
Mom and Dad exchanged glances.
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Mom and Dad roared, holding onto each other, for support.
"Seriously!" Mom gagged. "What should we do?"
Dad snickered, and wiped his glasses clean.
Up in his room, Calvin was happily talking with Hobbes.
"...So the monster dressed up like a babysitter is sick, and can't torture us, tonight!" Calvin laughed. "I guess Mom and Dad can't go on their little trip!"
Calvin and Hobbes burst out laughing.
Just then, Mom came into the room.
"Calvin," She said. "We're going out for a few hours. Just stay out of trouble, watch TV, and don't do anything stupid!"
And with that, she closed the door.
Calvin and Hobbes stared at the door.
"Well." Hobbes said. "They went on the trip."
"But now..." Calvin thought out loud. "We're HOME ALONE!"
"This is the second time ever." Hobbes grinned.
"Come on!" Calvin yelled. "We can catch the ending to Garfield and Friends!"
Calvin and Hobbes rushed downstairs.
They turned on the TV.
Garfield ended quickly.
"Well, now what do we watch?" Hobbes asked.
"Here's a movie. Child's Play."
"Calvin." Hobbes warned. "That movie's rated R."
"Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "What the adults don't want you know, is that R actually stands for Rainbow."
"Rainbow?" Hobbes asked, closing one eye in disgust.
"Yes. Rainbow. Besides, it has the word "Play" in it. How terrible can it be?"
"You are such a moron." Hobbes muttered.
(1 hour later)
"See, Hobbes? This movie isn't to bad."
"As far as I can see," Hobbes said. "There's a doll running around the world, killing people. Mmm-hmm. That really relates to rainbows."
"Ok." Calvin said. "Maybe there are a few gruesome scenes but it's nothing Calvin the Bold can't handle."
"GAAAGGG!" Screeched the TV. "HELP! AAAA! GAAAAGG!"
"Ok." Calvin said. "Maybe that scene was a little disgusting."
"GGGAAAAG!" yelled the television. "GEEEG AAA!"
"Alright." Calvin muttered. "But there is no movie in history that plays three revolting scenes in a row.
"AAA! GAACK! EEE! CAAA!"
Calvin and Hobbes stared at the TV.
"Is that his skull?" Hobbes asked.
"Yes." Calvin replied.
"Mmm-hmm." Hobbes replied.
"Well, Ok." Calvin decided. "Maybe we should see what else is on."
Calvin grabbed the remote, and changed the channel.
It was then that Calvin became aware that... Well, it was pretty dark in the livingroom.
Who knows what could be watching them from the corners or the...
Calvin rushed to the back of the room, and switched on all the lights.
Hobbes watched.
"Scared are we?" He asked.
"NO!" Calvin spat. "I just... can't see."
"Right." Hobbes said.
Calvin sat back down.
"Maybe this movie will be better." He suggested.
"Jeepers Creepers II." He read. "Another Rated Rainbow movie."
"Must you bring up ancient history?" Calvin yelled. "I was wrong, Ok? Sue me!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"I'm not sure if five minutes ago ranks up with ancient history." He muttered.
After about fifteen minutes, Calvin was terrified.
"Hobbes, what will we do?" He yelled.
"Considering you didn't have this fear until you watched the movie, I don't know."
"There could be millions of blood-thirsty Barbi dolls in the basement!"
"Terrifying." Hobbes yawned.
Calvin's attention was suddenly drawn to Hobbes' tail.
"Hobbes what happened to your stripes?"
Hobbes looked down at his tail.
The stripes on his tail were brilliant red color.
"It's a new tiger warm-up device." He said.
Calvin raised his eyebrow.
"Really?" He snarled.
"Yeah, you know," Hobbes said. "Red is a warm color. And you know, this October weather is deadly! If we didn't dye the stripes on our tails red, there would be hundreds of frozen tigers littering the grounds."
"Oh." Calvin considered. "I guess I never thought of that."
"Think of it, bub." Hobbes grinned. "And always remember that tigers will defeat all forms of deadly weather."
"Hobbes are you OK?" Calvin asked. "Your voice is a little more define than usual."
"Must be this cold. COUGH, COUGH! Anyway, what were you saying?"
"What? Oh yeah! We must find some way to defeat the killer dolls!" Calvin declared. "Hobbes! How did they finally get rid of that doll?"
"I don't know, they bombed it or something." Hobbes said.
"AH HA!" Calvin yelled. "I've already detected a vital clue! Repeat your last phrase."
"They bombed the doll." Hobbes grumbled.
"Hmm... What you said holds the answer to our problems!"
"We're going to bomb the basement?" Hobbes asked.
"NO!" Calvin snarled. "You said THEY bombed the doll! Who are these "they" people? And what are they doing with thermonuclear weaponry?"
Hobbes sighed.
"Calvin there is nothing in the basement" he sighed. "It was just a movie with cheap special effects."
"Oh yeah?" Calvin asked. "What kind of twisted imagination would think up of some killer doll? It must have been based on a true story! We're dealing with greater horses Fobbes!"
"My names Hobbes." Hobbes said.
"I know perfectly well what your name is!" Calvin snarled. "I said that we're dealing with greater forces!"
"No you said that we're dealing with greater horses." Hobbes said.
Calvin gave Hobbes a blank stare.
"Hobbes," He sighed. "horses are dumb animals that run around in horse pastures. What we're talking about has nothing to do with horses."
"Yeah, but you said horse." Hobbes said.
"I did not." Calvin insisted. "I said we're dealing with... You've got me so scrambled up, I don't even know what I'm talking about!"
"There see?" Hobbes yelled. "first your talking about horses, now your talking about scrambled eggs! What? Are you going insane, or something?"
"Hobbes! You're going insane!" Calvin snapped. "I was talking to you about something very important! Now I can't remember what it was! Furthermore, I've realized that this entire conversation has been... Looney! This has happened before, and it bothers me! Do you stay up at night, and think of ways on how you could bring chaos into our conversations?"
"No, I think it just happens." Hobbes yawned.
Calvin turned back to the TV.
"Let's see, Did the Killer Doll have a name? We could write down suspects."
Hobbes didn't answer.
"Hobbes?"
Calvin turned around.
Hobbes was crawling out from behind the couch.
"What are you doing back there?" Calvin yelled.
Hobbes looked up.
"I uh... was..."
"And what happened to your protective tail wear?" Calvin asked.
"My what?" Hobbes asked.
"Your red stripes!" Calvin said, impatiently. "What happened to your protective red winter stripes?"
Hobbes gave Calvin a blank stare. Then he looked down at the stripes on his tail. They were once again, black.
"Oh, those." Hobbes said, slowly. "Just got the news. there's a heat wave coming through our town tomorrow. I won't need them."
"Oh." Calvin said. "Hmmm... I seem to have lost my train of thought."
Just then, Calvin and Hobbes heard something down in the basement.
Both froze.
"Calvin," Hobbes whispered. "I think there's something in the basement."
Calvin stared at Hobbes.
"Hobbes, I pointed that out to you five minutes ago and you... forget it! I'm going to set a trap for the monster doll. Go do something constructive, and don't ever speak to me, again!"
"Do you think this will work?" Hobbes asked.
"Of corse it will work." Calvin assured. "There's nothing killer dolls like better than sleeping pills!"
"Why is that?" Hobbes asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Calvin asked. "It can use it as a murder weapon! An overdose of this junk can put you in a coma, you know!"
"Tell me, Calvin," Hobbes said. "How on Earth is a doll going to manage to get twenty pills down somebody's throat? Hmmmm?"
"Shut up." Calvin spat. "Now, we'll need a volunteer to set the trap up in the basement."
"Oops." Hobbes said. "you mean..."
"Yes, Hobbes." Calvin declared. "you've been chosen out of all the kitties in the world to volunteer for this dangerous mission!"
"What an honor." Hobbes muttered.
"Indeed it is." Calvin said. "here are the pills."
"Well, Calvin," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes around. "I'd love to volunteer but... uh... my leg's been acting up."
"I'm sure it has. Get down there, or I'll throw all the tuna away!" Calvin snapped.
Hobbes opened the door to the basement.
"Yoo-hoo?" he called. "Ok, all you people in the basement. Clear the way. Here I come."
Man it was dark in there.
Hobbes took the first step. Then the second. Then the third.
"Well, I think I'll just put a bottle of sleeping pills here on the floor." Hobbes said, sweating. "Nothing strange about putting a bottle of medicine on the floor where anything three feet tall can get it! Heh heh heh..."
Hobbes set the bottle on the floor.
"There we go. On the floor. In plain sight. Nothing suspicious about a bottle on the floor! Well, I'd love to stay but I gotta run!"
Hobbes ran upstairs, again.
Calvin was waiting.
"Did you complete the task?" He asked.
"Yes." Hobbes said. "I put the pills on the floor, as you ordered."
"And the trap?" Calvin asked.
"Uh.. That was the trap." Hobbes said.
"Good grief, Hobbes you just put the pills down there?" Calvin yelled.
"Yes."
"I told you to put a rope trap around it!"
"No you didn't." Hobbes said.
"Well it sure crossed my mind! Oh-no, Hobbes! We've just given the doll a weapon!"
"It's your fault." Hobbes muttered.
"It's your fault, Hobbes!" Calvin screamed. "Now apologize!"
"But you were the one that gave me the orders!" Hobbes yelled. "You didn't say anything about a rope!"
"Yes, I did!" Calvin yelled. "And even if I didn't, it crossed my so forth! So even though it's my fault and my actions, you could've thought of what to do! Now apologize for my actions, so we can get on with our lives!"
"Oh, very well." Hobbes stated. "I'm sorry you made such a stupid, dumb, hare-brained, idiotic, moronic, looney mistake!"
"There!" Calvin said. "Now don't you feel better?"
"Oh, yes, I do." Hobbes said, seriously.
"Good. Great. I'm always happy to help you through life's many challenges." Calvin said, proudly.
"I'm sure you are." Hobbes said.
"But the killer doll still has the pills!" Calvin alerted "Which means we're in mortal danger!"
"What'll we do?" Hobbes asked.
"We'll act as if nothing happened." Calvin said. "Maybe if we're lucky, Murphy will expose himself in a mistake!"
"Who's Murphy?" Hobbes asked.
"That's what we call the enemy, Hobbes. "MURPHY'""
"How come?" Hobbes questioned.
"Because... I don't know why! We just do! Now stop asking stupid questions, and let's go!"
Calvin and Hobbes rushed up to Calvin's room.
"Alright, Hobbes." Calvin said. "Murphy knows we're onto him, so we're going to have to think of a more cunning trap."
"Which is...?" Hobbes asked, motioning for Calvin to hurry up.
"I haven't thought of a clever enough trap." Calvin said.
Hobbes slapped his forehead.
"Wait! I know!" Calvin shouted. "We'll rig the house! We'll put buckets of water on every door! We'll station marbles around the house! WE SHALL PREVAIL!"
"Goody!" Hobbes clicked.
Calvin and Hobbes spent the next few minutes rigging the house.
When they were finished, the admired their work.
"Well, Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "No killer doll's gonna get us, tonight! I can't wait for Mom and Dad to get home and see that we've protected the house against monsters!"
"Yeah, but won't they be mad?" Hobbes asked.
"Of corse they'll be mad!" Calvin yelled. "after all, they wanna eat us."
"Oh my gosh!" Hobbes yelled. "Your parents want to eat you!"
"What?"
"Wow, and just when I thought they couldn't get any weirder." Hobbes sighed.
"I'm not talking about my parents!" Calvin spat. "I'm talking about the killer dolls!"
"Yeah, but I meant your parents." Hobbes said. "Won't they be mad when they found out that you booby-trapped their house?"
"No, of corse not!" Calvin laughed. "If they knew what was in the basement, they would have asked, No, DEMANDED, that we rig the house! I mean, I'm their precious six-year old!"
"Uh-huh." Hobbes sighed, shaking his head.
"Maybe we should check and see what the status of the pills are." Calvin considered.
He ran over to the basement door, and peeked inside.
He gasped.
"They're gone!" Calvin exclaimed. "the doll took them!"
Calvin rushed up to his room.
I guess he had forgotten that he had placed a marble on every step up the stairs.
Calvin slipped on the first step, and went crashing for the ground.
"OW!" He screamed.
Hobbes tried to muffle his laughter.
Calvin went up the stairs, again, but went a little carefully, this time.
He came back down with his dart gun.
"Ok, Hobbes, We're going to blast the door over, and secure the area!"
"You do that." Hobbes yawned.
"And you're coming with me!" Calvin snarled.
"Huh-boy." Hobbes sighed.
"Here, take this!" Calvin handed Hobbes a dart gun.
"Here we go, one, two, THREE!" Calvin kicked the door to the basement open.
I guess he forgot about the bucket of water on top.
SPLASH!
Hobbes managed to stand a safe distance away when the bucket hit Calvin.
Calvin kicked the bucket off, screamed at it several times, tried to dry his hair, and started down the steps. Hobbes followed.
When Calvin reached the bottom, he realized he was alone.
"Hobbes get down here!" Calvin yelled.
Too late.
Hobbes had vanished. Dumb cat. How did he manage to... Oh well.
Calvin turned around, and faced the task in front of him.
"Alright, Barbi! Come out! I wish to destroy... I mean talk with you!"
No answer.
The silence was deadly.
"I know you're terrified of the big people, but we mean you no harm!"
No answer.
"LISTEN, YOU STUPID DOLL, I, UNLIKE YOU, HAVE A LIFE! NOW ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW YOURSELF, OR ARE THINGS GONNA GET UGLY?"
Calvin caught some movement out of the corner of his eye.
He spun around, and shot a dart at the unknown creature that...
Calvin looked up in time to see a rat scurry away.
Calvin blinked.
"That's it?" Calvin snarled. "a lousy rat! That's what's been causing me so much terror? Why I oughta... Wait a minute... If a rat was the one making all that noise... what took the bottle of pills?"
Calvin spun around in several directions.
He saw nothing of any particular interest.
"Oh man!" Calvin screamed. "Is it any wonder they call that brand of dolls Bratz?"
Calvin spun around in all directions.
"Show yourself, you dumb doll! Or are you scared? Scared of a wimpy little six-year old! In the movie, you were killing adults left and right! And yet you can't even stand up to a weak, defenseless, little child!"
Calvin thought about what he had just said.
"Oh, terrific." Calvin sighed. "Way to go, Calvin."
Just then, Calvin caught more movement. And it wasn't a rat!
Calvin spun around.
Hmmmm... There appeared to be something sitting in the corner.
But in the darkness, Calvin couldn't make out any features.
Calvin shown the light into the corner.
His eyes bulged, and he tried to scream. But his scream more or less died in his throat. Instead of screaming it came out more of a squeak. Or a gargle. Or a yodel.
There sitting in the corner of the basement, grinning like a lunatic was... A BARBI DOLL!
Normally that wouldn't be so terrifying. Seeing how Mom had kept her childhood doll in basement for years, but what made it so horrible, was that it was holding a bottle of pills in its left hand! Right hand. Who cares?
It threw it's doll head back, and let out a horrible laugh!
Calvin backed up.
"BACK! Back you cursed creature from the black... Hmmm... Ya know, I missed the beginning. How did you come to life, anyway?"
The doll took a step for Calvin. It was kinda clumsy.
"I didn't really mean all that, about the Bratz and all." Calvin said. "I think that Bratz is a wonderful from of... uh... dolls. But... Uh... Opps... I guess Bratz is Barbi's competitor. So uh... Forget everything I said about that doll company!"
The doll was getting closer. It held the bottle of pills up, and shook it, menacingly.
"What I meant to say was... Uh... Hey Barbi! You're great! I saw your movie! Uh... all four of them... heh heh... They sure are great! Five stars, I say!"
Calvin thought he heard a snicker.
"So, uh... when's your next movie coming out?" Calvin asked, continuing to back for the stairs. "I'll sure be first in line when it comes out!"
The doll reached up, and unscrewed the lid on the bottle.
Just before the doll was about to leap on top of him, Calvin rushed up the stairs and into the bright living room.
"HA!" Calvin screamed back into the basement. "Take that you lousy excuse for a doll company! I hope you get ringworms! And I take back everything I said about your movies! You stink, you ugly bucket of boogers! And so does you rival, Bratz! I hope you..."
At that very moment, a doll came flying out of the darkness, and hit Calvin in the face.
Calvin fell over backwards.
"AAAAA!" He screamed. "HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A DOLL! CALL UNSOLVED MYSTERIES! CALL THE FBI! CALL OPERA WINFREY!"
It was then that Calvin picked up the sound of... laughing?
Calvin opened his eyes.
The doll was sitting motionless on the floor five feet away from Calvin, and a tiger was emerging from the basement laughing his head off.
"YOU!" Calvin screamed.
The tiger wiped a tear from his eye, and continued laughing.
The alleged tiger was not Hobbes as you might of suspected, but his good buddy Socrates.
Socrates lived next door with another kid. Calvin had never met him, but he knew enough about him to know he was some kind of lunatic (Sound familiar?). Socrates was terrible prankster and never missed a chance to laugh and scoff at the misfortunes of others. He looked exactly like Hobbes but with one tiny difference. Strangely, His tail had vivid red stripes instead of black ons. Unfortunately, Hobbes saw him as an idol.
Speaking of Hobbes, he was leaning against the wall next to the basement door for support, and, too, was laughing his head off.
"Oh man, Socrates," Hobbes sighed. "That was great!"
"CAN I ASK WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Calvin screamed.
"After your parents left, I invited Socrates over." Hobbes said.
"Ever since you turned on the TV, we've been switching places, getting ready for this big prank!" Laughed Socrates.
"Socrates took the bottle of pills after I put them down there." Hobbes grinned. "Then he made several bumps down there to arose your suspicions."
"I'm amazed you didn't see me holding the doll up!" Socrates screamed with laughter. "Then again, you were petrified with fear!"
"I OUGHT TO STRANGLE YOU!" Calvin screamed at the two tigers. "You lousy cats! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU..."
At that very moment, Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates saw a light out the window.
YIKES!
Calvin's parents were home!
"Uh-oh." Socrates gasped. "The artillery has arrived! Well, Hobbes, I'd love to stay, but I've got to get the last phase of our plan done!"
And with that, Socrates dove out the window, and rushed to the house across the street from Susie's.
"What did he mean "The Last Phase"?" Calvin asked Hobbes, dangerously.
Hobbes shrugged and grinned, then rushed up the stairs.
Calvin desperately tried to unhook all the booby traps, but Mom was already in the front door.
SPLASH!
"AAUGH!" Mom screamed.
She turned a murderous glare on Calvin.
"DID YOU WATCH A SCARY MOVIE?" She yelled.
"NO!" Calvin insisted. "I can explain, Mom! You see there was this rainbow and it liked to play with dolls. Then it got sleepy and took some sleeping pills. I guess."
Mom started for Calvin, but just then, she stepped on the rug.
The very rug that Calvin had...
TWANG!
"AAAAAA!"
Oops.
Dad came into the house.
He stared at the rug cocoon hanging from the ceiling, with Mom yelling homicidal things at Calvin.
Dad stared down at Calvin.
Calvin stared up at Dad.
"Um... peaceful evening?" Calvin asked, innocently.
Calvin was thrown into his room.
The next day at school, Calvin learned what "The last phase of the plan" was.
In the middle of math, Calvin's voice blared out of the speakers.
"... Uh... Hey Barbi! You're great! I saw your movie! Uh... all four of them... heh heh... They sure are great! Five stars, I say!"
Calvin jumped in alarm, and screamed.
He then realized that Hobbes had recorded everything that Calvin had said in the basement!
Socrates had then put the tape in the speakers, and blazed them throughout the entire school!
"ALRIGHT YOU!" Calvin screamed after returning home.
"Me?" Hobbes asked, innocently.
Calvin snarled. "You knew you could terrify me with your talk about killer dolls! I WAS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL! I despise you!"
"Socrates and I did enjoy seeing you terrified like that, but you were the one that was ranting and raving about the homicidal Barbi."
"I DID NOT!" Calvin declared. "You twisted fiend! I ought to sue you!"
"...Talking about how R stood for Rainbow, and how Barbi was a bloody maniac..." Hobbes said, counting the events off on his fingers.
"I refuse to listen!" Calvin yelled. He stuffed his fingers in his ears, and went, "LAA LAA LAA LAA LAA LAAA LAAA!"
Hobbes continued counting off the things that Calvin had done. Calvin continued to tune Hobbes out.
It had been another really weird adventure for Calvin and Hobbes.
And Socrates.
The End
Voice Work:
Pamela Segal: Calvin
Tom Hanks: Hobbes
Ryan Stiles: Socrates
Bill Murray: Dad
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Mom
Dee Bradley Baker: Miscellaneous voice work
Coming up next: A Calvin and Hobbes: The Series Holiday Special: FULL MOON: FULL BALONEY!