Ziggy's Corner: By popular demand, this sequel is being written! I had a few ideas what else I could do to Zhao, but I admit I was running on low until I got some suggestions from my fans. And because I did I was so inspired that I outlined a second sequel which will either be published the same time as this story, but that will depend. At any rate, here is the first sequel, hope its as funny as the first!
Zhao: I hate you all.
Look fella, I already have Ty Lee and Song speaking through me, I don't need you too. By the way, this is my eleventh Avatar story.
21 More Reincarnations of Admiral Zhao.
Reincarnation #1: Michael Jackson.
He was on stage now, popular as ever. Zhao began dancing uncontrollably, his hips and legs working overtime, his voice high pitched. The people below him was calling his name, throwing up their fists in adulation. It was all he dreamed of, except for the singing and dancing. And why were they calling him Michael? And why the holy hell was he putting his hand on his crotch when it was neither kicked or itchy?
He span in circles and kept whooping it up sweating under the hot lights until the music stopped and he went back stage. His chest was rising and falling, and he wiped the sweat from his face as he looked at himself in the mirror. "Wait, what's going on? I look like I have a doll's face."
A doll's face? An interesting concept.
"Oh come on," Zhao groaned, his chest dropping. He thought something was wrong since the time he was a child, singing on state with his four other "brothers" and now he was sure of it. "Didn't I pay for all my 'crimes', the first twenty one times?"
"Michael honey, who are you talking to?" an elderly black woman asked, walking up to him.
"And you would be?" the admiral grumbled.
"You're mother, Michael, I'm your mother," she said, looking very worried. Somewhere, wherever the karma spirit was, he was laughing incredibly.
"Is that boy having another one of his fits?" an elderly black man snapped. He pushed forward and glared down at Zhao. "Now look boy, you may be independent of me, but don't make me have to put you over my knee and spank you in front of your employees."
Zhao blinked and looked at the man. "And you would be?" he asked threateningly, rising to met the other male.
"I'm your father boy!" the elderly man snapped. "And you better know your place and show respect to me. Is this how you want to raise your children?"
"Children?" That's right, he thought, I have children too. "Look, dad, I'm an adult now. And apparently whatever it is that I do, I'm very loved for it, so just step off!"
The older man took a step back as his wife gasped. With a stroke of lightning, off came his belt and he threatened the boy with it. "Michael, you learn some manners!" He swung, but Zhao dodged, in rhythm to funky pop music only he seemed to hear. They fought to the music, which drove on Zhao's shattered nerves, and he launched himself at the man.
"Take this old man, and this!" Zhao roared, pounding on the other man, banging his head against moving fan.
"Michael, Michael, stop!" His 'mother' cried, "No, don't give daddy a wedgie!"
He would have continued, but flashing lights blinded him, and he stumbled, grabbing onto the nearest thing, which happened to be a small child, by accident. Before he knew it, he was dangling over the third story balcony of the hotel he was staying at, cameras capturing everything, all the while the karma spirit laughing his ass off.
"This isn't funny," Zhao snarled.
That depends on your definition of funny!
As he dangled, the heat on his face made his face feel clammy. Before he knew what had happened, his nose slid off his face and crashed down to the ground, taking out a long line of paparazzi in a nuclear explosion. The next thing he knew, the police had his arms, and were hauling back into the building.
Zhao fought bitterly, claiming to be the great Admiral Zhao from Avatar the Last Air Bender, but most people thought he was nuts. The judge finally threw the book at him for assault of his father and child endangerment, and Zhao spent the last years of his life in solitaire.
So how did you enjoy your fame as a musician? The karma spirit asked.
"Oh shut up!"
Reincarnation #2: Janet Jackson's Dress.
A thin forty something black woman looked down at Zhao and smiled. "It's perfect! I can't wait to wear it to the show!"
"Wait, I'm clothes again?" Zhao mumbled and groaned. This was getting stupid, but at least the black woman was a lot more attractive that Richard Simmons, and she didn't look too sweaty. In fact she was kind of hot! "I guess it won't be too bad to be on stage, being worn by her," Zhao said with a smirk.
Is that a fact?
"Yes, that's a fact," Zhao grumbled. "This new life is perfect. Okay I had to come out of a bug's butt to be used, but I don't really give a damn."
You will, young one. The karma spirit said trying to be very serious. You will!
"Yeah right, what could possibly go wrong?" Zhao spurted with mocking laughter.
"I just Justin likes it too!" Janet Jackson said.
"Wait, who's Justin?" Zhao frowned, but he got no response from the spirit, though it seemed to him that he could feel the spirit smiling at him.
There were so many people, cheering people, just like his last life. How odd it was to be the clothes of his last life's sister. But at least there were the cheering throngs of people. If something would go wrong, there was no doubt that it would happen after the concert. And then it really did happen. Just as Justine Timberlake closed in to Janet, he looked down and frowned.
"He's acting like he can see me or something," Zhao said thoughtfully. "Like he can … HOLY MOTHER FUDGE OF ALL AGONY!" Justin quickly yanked off part of the shirt and crumpled it up in his hand, disgusted at the face he had seen, revolted at the sight of such a horrendous villain covering Janet's bosom. She seemed shocked, embarrassed, and horrified, but after the concert, as an investigation unit looked into the matter, it was determined to be the clothes fault, not the celebrities'.
Zhao was burned, buried, had holy water sprinkled over him, and had a cross run through his face. Thus ended his short career as a Jackson's shirt.
Reincarnation #3: A Toupee used by Iroh.
When he awoke to his next life, he felt itchy and his entire body was covered in thick brown hair. Zhao at first figured that had come back as some kind of animal, and had decided to resign himself to a life of boring activities of eating, or being eaten, or being chased down and hung on some hunter's wall. What happened next affected him so badly, he'd remember it for dozens of other reincarnations.
"Wu dear, what do you think?" a very familiar, highly irritating voice asked, as Zhao was lifted into the air. For some sick reason the karma spirit had allowed him to see what was going on, even though he now realized that it was not as an animal that he had come back as. "It makes me look twenty years younger, don't you think?"
Zhao realized he'd been put on something, very cold and clammy. And sweaty, very sweaty, which made Zhao cling to whatever it was he'd been put onto. He wanted to ask the spirit what was going on, but he had not been given vocal cords this time. The real thing that he knew was that it had something to do with Iroh.
At least I'm not seeing the fat old, traitor naked this time, he thought with a shudder.
"Iroh, you look ridiculous," Wu chuckled. "It's like somebody put a raccoon fox on your head and it died there!"
Wait a minute, on his HEAD! Why would he put me on his head? So what, I'm a hat now?
In a matter of speaking, the karma spirit chuckled.
Iroh walked over to the mirror, and Zhao screamed in his mind. He was a brown gray floppy thing of mess. It looked like a damn cat had hocked him up and then took a crap on him for good measure! I'm a toupee! For IROH!
"Sweetheart, please get rid of it, it's just so silly!" Wu begged. The elderly general turned to his wife and sighed.
"I suppose you're right. I only bought it for six copper coins, I thought it would be a bargain." Iroh sighed, and tossed Zhao toward the trash, but unfortunately he missed. It gave Wu and Iroh's son a chance to try on the hideous hair piece.
Iroh and Wu reproduced! I think I'm going to barf.
It's going to get worse, the spirit howled with laughter.
Iroh's dog later got the rug and tried to romance Zhao many times, before taking him out of the yard and burying him in dirt.
Of course, this is how I end this life, Zhao sighed. Could it get stupider?
Reincarnation #4: Orlando Bloom's Cell Phone
"I can't stand this!" Orlando Bloom cried out. "Why am I constantly playing second banana to Johnny Depp in these damn pirate movies!"
Zhao gritted his teeth and tried his best to shut the actor out, but as he was a cell phone, there was nothing he could do. "Could you please shut up!"
"I know that's exactly what Hilary Duff said to me, when I asked to see her new tattoo," Orlando said with a nod of his head. "But seriously what is wrong with that girl? All I wanted to do was show her my collection of petrified doggie poo!"
"What exactly is wrong with you?" the former admiral roared. "Who the fuck collects dried up dog shit?"
"You know you're my best friend, I don't know what I'd ever do without you," Orlando cried. He'd been rambling on like this to Zhao ever since he bought him from Radio Shack.
"Oh just shut up already!" Zhao snarled.
Unfortunately Orlando did not shut up, would not shut up. Even when the phone bills came, and they disconnected service to the phone, he did not shut up. Zhao went slowly mad listening to his drabble about his life, until Orlando accidentally dropped him from a one hundred and fifty story building and smashed him to pieces.
Reincarnation #5: Poison Ivy
From the moment of this birth, Zhao could not escape the itch. His whole body tingled and crawled as he pushed himself out of the dirt, toward the sun's bright rays. "What is going on now?" he cried. He wanted to itch, to scratch, but his leaves were never long enough. "How is this supposed to help me be a better person?"
Well I'm having fun!
"Well kudos for you then, I… Wait, what is this big fat fool doing!"
He's been lost in the wild for weeks, he think's you're a berry bush!
"He's going to EAT ME!"
And the man did, unfortunately Zhao had been a poison ivy plant, and drove the man and himself crazy with his poison until the man died trying to poop him out.
Reincarnation #6: President Bush's identical twin at an anti-Bush rally.
People were forever stopping him in the street, asking him if he was a bush, and he'd knock them off, thinking everyone in this world was out of there mind. He was walking, he was talking, he had a bushel of money, true he was divorced … four different times, but there was no lack of women who had wanted to date him. Especially after the year 2000. After that year people really treated him different.
Zhao walked down the street with a man full of power, and broad, wide grin. Everything was finally going his way, despite odd looks, from most unwashed street urchins who looked like they should all be rounded up and sent off to some foreign country. The admiral was sure that this time he had made up for his sins, and had now reached perfection. Truly this was Nirvana.
Our people believe in the spirit world, not Nirvana or Heaven, the karma spirit chastised him. No matter what the spirit had said to him, he didn't let it bother him in this world, with this reincarnation. Everything he had ever wanted except the leadership of the nation was finally his.
Then the fateful day he got out of his Porsche and turned the corner to smack right dab in the middle of an anti-bush rally. What the people in this world had against shrubs, he had no idea, but he was determined to push through this band of riff raff to go to that fancy restaurant. Suddenly a very angry woman grabbed him by his shoulder.
"You!" she shouted. "How care you show yourself here!" she began pushing him back and forth and rattled his brains.
"Lady, I don't know what your problem is, but I suggest you get your hands on me," he said in a peculiar drawl. "I'm a very important man!"
"I'm sure you are," she snarled, tears running down her cheeks. "That's why you had my son killed, I'll assume."
Zhao frowned and looked at her, his spine tingling as a large group of these people gathered here were starting to surround him. "I've had a lot of sons killed, and daughters for that matter, do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?"
"My son just wanted a good education," the woman spat. "He joined the army for that very reason, not to get killed in a foreign nation for oil!"
"I can't even afford to live in my house anymore, because of your taxing the poor," a smaller man shouted, pushing forward.
"My cousin was deported, just because she was declared an illegal alien!" a Latina shouted. "All she did was laundry, like any one of you rich white bastards would want to do that!"
"You let Wal-Mart hurt the Unions," an elderly man snarled, throwing a punch at Zhao.
"We hate you, Bush," a large group of them shouted. "We wish you would just die!"
"This stupid bush thing again!" Zhao roared. "People, wake up, do you think that I look like a piece of shrubbery?"
They looked at him as if he had gone mad and shook their heads. "I knew he was stupid, but not to even realize his last name was Bush is pathetic," a Vietnam veteran sighed.
"My name is Zhao," the admiral snarled.
"Yes, because obviously you're Asian," a young teenager snapped.
"No I'm Fire Nation!" Zhao screeched. "I serve the Fire Lord Ozai!"
They stopped and looked at each other. "You serve a fire lord all right, but I don't think his name is Ozai," someone grumbled. They laughed and kept pushing him around. Zhao fought back, but that only incited even more violence.
"I happen to be an admiral, my liege is the greatest king ever to walk upon the earth! And you peasants will get out of my way!"
The crowd chanted anti-Bush slogans over and over, and beat him to a pulp. It was only two weeks later when they realized they had gotten the wrong man.
"Our bad," said one of the protestors as he was hauled off to jail.
"Well the guy was clearly mental, I suppose no harm done," said an officer.
Reincarnation #7: An umbrella in a thunderstorm
Zhao opened his eyes, and felt his arms widen as two girls walked quickly underneath him. "What I'm a guardian angel now?"
Nice choice of words! But… no.
Soon the two girls became frightened as they saw more and more lightning in the sky, and dropped Zhao to the ground. "What the …"
He never got the chance to say any more than that. A bolt of lightning struck him, burning and melting his arms, tearing his skin away from his bones; and then melting the bones.
"And what was I supposed to learning being an umbrella?" Zhao roared in the darkness.
I don't know, but it sure was funny!
Reincarnation #8: Angelina Jole's dress for the Oscars.
"So I'm clothes AGAIN!" Zhao sighed. The woman wearing him was hot, but she seemed tense. Way to the front they were announcing some kinds of awards, and the woman as well as four other women's faces flashed on the screen.
"And the Oscar goes to…," Billy Crystal said, looking at the card, thankful that he had got a new chance to become host yet again. "Johnny Depp!"
"Johnny Depp!" Angelina shot to her feet and began tearing her clothes off, causing Zhao screaming in agony. "He's a man, he wasn't even nominated for this role! Why the hell did he beat me out!" They fought tried to subdue the angry woman, but it was no use. She shredded her clothes and rushed the stage to strange Johnny Depp with what remained of Zhao, until the cloth ripped and the villain died.
"Oh that was so stupid!"
Can you name an instant when you were clothes that ever turned out all right?
"You're doing this to me, aren't you?" Zhao roared.
Could be.
Reincarnation #9 -- One of Blue's paw prints from Blue's Clues
Joe appeared on the screen, after opening the door and waved to the camera. "Oh, hi! Come on in! We were just trying to figure out what to eat for a healthy snack!"
The camera focused on a blue little computer animated dog, who looked at the camera and padded her paws like she was in perpetual fast forward. "Blue, look who's here!"
"Bar bar, bee bee burr bur bur, bar bar bar!" the dog said excitedly.
"What the heck did that dog say?" asked Zhao, one of her paws. "And why am I her foot now?"
I like Blue's Clues, its cute!
"That's right Blue, we're having lunch, but what should we have besides a healthy glass of water, peanut butter celery, and bran cupcakes?"
The dog barked, leapt up to the screen and planted Zhao right the screen. "Damn that hurt."
"Oh great idea Blue, we'll play Blue's Clues! I love Blue's Clues." Joe began dancing and singing about the glories of Blue's Clues, each time pointing at Zhao. Finally the dog ran off and Joe looked at Zhao. "So how are we going to get this paw print to go?"
"Oh yes, you five o'candle shadowed freak, I have to go!" Zhao grumbled. "Oh this is so… GOOD GOD WHAT IS THE LOSER DOING!" Joe was trying to tickle Zhao away, blowing him away with his breath, and did a little tap dance.
"Boy this paw print is really stubborn!" Joe said with a blank look on his face as he looked at the camera.
You're not just whistling Dixie there, young man!
"Oh be quite," Zhao sighed.
"Blue, what should we do to get rid of this paw print?" Joe asked.
"Bar bar, bur bur, bar bar bar bar," Blue said.
"Oh, that's a good idea!" Joe said.
"And what exactly did she say?" Zhao asked.
Joe disappeared only to reappear with a flame thrower. "What in the world is he doing with that kind of weapon on a children's show!" Joe activated the weapon and used it against the paw print, but Zhao had staying power. "Ha, what a fool."
"Bar ba ba?" Blue asked.
"Oh that's a good idea," Joe said. He disappeared only to return with a hockey mask and a chain saw.
"Good Lord what are they teaching children!" Zhao screamed in pain.
"Nope, that didn't do it!" Joe sighed.
"Oh, okay, I know what we can do," Steve said, appearing out of no where. He disappeared and then reappeared in some kind of nuclear tank.
"A NUCLEAR TA…?" Steve fired, and took out Zhao, his blue body being scattered to the four corners of the world.
"Thanks Steve," Joe said with a bright smile.
"Hey, not a problem, that's what we big brothers are for!" Steve said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to college. Professor, Colonel Sergeant Ripper get's cranky when his tank goes missing for more than an hour."
"Hey, no prob, so you later Steve!" Joe said.
Reincarnation #10: An immortal stunt double
"An immortal?" Zhao chuckled. "You've lost it this time, spirit!"
Its not all tea and crumpets you know! You're a stunt double!
"I think I can take a little pain and action," Zhao laughed insanely. "I was in the Fire Nation Military Academy!"
"Sir, who are you talking to?" one of the crew members asked.
"Mind your own business punk," Zhao grumbled.
"Yeah, like I have to take gunk from a stunt double," the younger man said with a laugh. "At any rate, the director wants you in the cannon."
"The cannon?"
"Yeah, you know, the cannon, the actor is shot going in, and then we put you in there, and actually fire it."
Zhao shrugged. He'd been in a cannon in one of his last lives, there would be no problem. He got into the thing, the fired it. It should have flown him into the net, but it malfunctioned, and he exploded. Or he should have had he not been immortal. He was in bandages for a long time, before they tried again. This time he was sent flying over the net, over the wall over the neighbor's house and right into jail, where the inmates totally beat the living snot out of him.
"Okay Mr. Zhao, since the cannon thing didn't work out, we're just going to have you dive off of this jumping board, and into the lake, that should be easy," the director, Ned Wood said.
"Fine, fine," the former admiral sighed. He got up to the ninth story, leapt off as the director called cut, and slashed face first into icy cold water, and sank to the bottom of the lake. "I'm going to drown!" he cried.
No you're not, you're immortal!
"I'm going to freeze to death!"
Immortal!
Finally come Spring, they broke him out, and they tried the stunt again, only for Zhao to land in a lake alive with flesh hungry sharks. The ripped into him, eat what meat they could but he did not die. As he was immortal.
"Mr. Zhao, we do apologize for this, really we do," Director Wood said.
"What kind of movie are you trying to make here, anyway?" Zhao roared.
"Look, just one my stunt."
Zhao sighed. "Fine."
One of the crew members told him when it was time, and latched him onto a board, ala Frankenstein. Then they connected to wires to his nipples, before walking away. "Wait, are these things for real?" Zhao asked.
"Don't be silly," Director Wood said. "We don't have the budget for real electricity." He frowned, "At least I don't think so." He turned to his crew and called out action. They flipped the switch, and a swarm of electricity rushed through the wires, and right into Zhao … through the nipples. "Oh that's right, it's road insurance we couldn't afford."
Zhao screamed in agony for many months, as no one could turn of the power, Director Wood didn't have a budget for a real off switch, and no one wanted to go near him. Finally Duncan Mac Cloud approached, looked at the suffering man and took out his sword, and proceeded to cut Zhao's head off.
"If I'm immortal, how can he cut my head off?" he groaned.
It's the only way to kill an immortal, the karma spirit said with a shrug.
Reincarnation #11: A guy who hits on Ashelin, from Jak and Daxter
Zhao looked at the young red headed woman approaching him, and smiled. "Damn she's hot!" The admiral smiled, haven't yet seen the new appearance. "Hello there, beautiful," he said with a sensuous tone. "Want to date an admiral?"
"Not now, I have a race to win," the thin woman snapped. Her hips moved too and fro as she walked in a hurry and she pushed the man aside.
"I don't think you heard me, I'm an admiral, I have a lot of power and influence," Zhao growled, putting a hand on her wrist.
She stopped, looked at him and frowned. "You're touching me," she growled.
"Don't you like to be touched?" he cooed.
"Yeah, by cute guys with some hair on their bodies, not some thin, thick glasses wearing poindexters like you," she hissed, knocking his hand away.
"I have money," Zhao tried again.
"I have too much money," she growled, and put her hand on her hip. "And a blaster, so if you'd like to try?"
"Violence, that's not too bad, I like a girl who plays games."
"Good, I like to play games too, how about blast a tail on the loser?" she asked, pointing the gun at him.
"Here I come," he smirked, hunching over. Three seconds later he lay on the ground, holding his gonads, with two blaster marks in his legs. "What was that for?"
Ashelin didn't say anything. She walked into her hover car, turned it on and ran down the admiral, before leaving. Zhao laid there, dying and turned his head to see a pencil thin nerd, with very thick glasses. "Oh perfect!"
Reincarnation #12: Johnny Depp's Bed
He was long, made of wood, and held a large mattress. "Great, I'm a bed."
"Time for a good night's sleep," a tired man said, inching his way to Zhao.
"Johnny Depp again, let me act surprised," the villain sighed. The actor pulled Zhao's clothes down, and then laid on top of him covering up with the admiral's clothes. "Oh my god, if I knew this would be my fate, I would have let the brat help me from the water spirit."
Johnny tossed and turned all night, frowning and itching as he did so. "I've got to lay of that body soap," he grumbled. An hour passed. Then two, and then three, finally the actor pulled his sheets, Zhao's clothes, off and ripped off his own, save for his underwear. "God I'm beginning to think my mom is right, maybe I really am having hot flashes!" He inched back in and squirmed back and forth as he tried to get comfortable.
"For crying out loud, this is disgusting!" Zhao roared. "The guy is laying naked on top of me!"
It could be worse, Iroh could be laying on you.
"Would you please be quite now," the villain sighed. The next thing he could knew, the actor was sound asleep, but was sleep acting, and was standing on his body, swing an invisible sword back and forth.
"Take this, Davy Jones!" Johnny snapped swirling around and plunging his fist into Zhao's gut.
"Oh for crying out LOUD!" the admiral roared.
Then he changed tactics, "No Angelina, NO! It's my award, you can't have it!" Johnny took his Oscar and pounded Zhao's face in time and time again. "You … can't … have … it!"
"This idiot is out of his freakin' mind!" Zhao cried.
Finally Johnny lost his mind and opened up with a flamethrower, laughing maniacally. Before he knew it, Zhao was being pounded by Johnny with an axe. It was soon over as the actor pushed the bed over the cliff near his house, and Zhao died yet again, only to be reborn.
Reincarnation #13: Iroh's underwear
And yet again, he was clothes. "What is going on now?" he sighed. "It's dark, its lonely, and I can't stand this smell any longer."
Finally the drawer opened and someone took him out, looking at him closely. Zhao would have loved to have seen who it was, as no one was speaking, but his face was turned inward, covered up by his large lips. Why he was in this form, he didn't know but someone was now taking him into a room where there was running water. He was set down carefully, with the most loving of care, and then Zhao could hear footsteps walk away.
A few minutes later, the water simply stopped, and someone, humming, began to make sounds as if they were drying. Finally the person took Zhao by the mouth and opened his lips wide. What he saw burned in his mind for a thousand years, "Oh for the love of God!"
It was large, it was round, it was hairy! There were two of them, both dimpled, with a line in the middle that made it look like a sideways smiling face. It was Iroh's tussie! The former general slipped Zhao's mouth up and over his legs, and up to his body, until the butt and his long woo-hoo were snuggly pressed against his face!
"I can't breathe!" Zhao complained.
It's not that complete bad!
"You don't have to smell this!" Zhao gasped.
Iroh shifted his mass, and stretched a little, hit butt pressing nicely against Zhao's face. The villain wished he had the option of biting that butt, but then turned against the idea, who knew what the thing actually tasted like. Every few hours, Iroh passed gas, and Zhao would temporarily lose consciousness. But it would not last for very long. Sometimes he'd have a wet fart, and the liquid would splash against Zhao's face. The villain gagged and turned his eyes upward, only to have them get splashed as well.
Day in and day out this commenced. "What, does this man only have one pair of undergarments?" the admiral roared in agony. "How much longer am I to suffer this? What did I do?"
You know exactly what you did, the karma spirit snapped.
"I haven't done that much horrible acts to deserve this!" Zhao snarled.
And thoughts like that are why you keep reincarnating.
"Oh do shut up," the villain groaned.
If I did that, I wouldn't be called the Karma Spirit, now would I?
"If your so mighty and powerful, then show yourself." He gagged as Iroh farted and he batted his head back and forth. "For the love of everything holy!"
If you thought of things holy, you would not be in this position.
Finally, years later the stretched out Zhao was too long for the aging general to wear, and thus he was sent into the great underwear heaven in the sky. Though that's only what Iroh thought.
Reincarnation #14: Malu the Mountain Witch's next victim.
(Author's notes; this is a character who may or may not be seen in the second season. Like Aang she's an Air Bender who seems to have kept her regular age during the one hundred years of war, you can find a picture of her in the card game).
This time he came as a peasant, but not one of good will. He was greedy, hungry for power and vengeance. He was leading a dispatch of Fire Soldiers to capture an Earth Kingdom fortress. He'd lived there for all of this life, and treated like a dog. Soldiers pushed him away, people spat on him simply because he tricked them out of their gold to feed his belly. True he was a rouge a person who put himself in this situation, but he didn't care. He wanted the glory he had, the power he had. The fall of this fortress would bring him back in favor with the fire lord, and then he could re climb the ranks to take his proper place yet again.
"This way," he barked, motioning the soldiers forward. "It's just over this pass."
Suddenly a young, teenage voice barked out, "What is your business in this area?" they looked around, but nobody saw anything. "I'll ask again, what is your purpose?"
"Whose there?" Zhao screeched. The men were stepping back, fear flowing through their eyes.
"I am Malu, and this is my land," the young female voice growled. "Leave now!"
"This is a trick, men! Some child's sick delusion of greatness!" Zhao barked. "Forward I say!"
"A trick you say?" the girl snapped. "A child I am not, nor have been for over a century!" Ghosts and demons seemed to appear out of no where, flying all around the soldiers.
"It's the witch!" one of the men cried. "Run for your lives!" They turned and ran, screaming like little girls, down the hill, down the path, down the mountain until they were safe.
"They might fear you, but I don't! I may not look it, but I am the great Admiral Zhao, destroyer of the moon! Destined yet again to recapture my glory!"
"I know who you are," the girl snapped, appearing in front of him. She looked like a mixture of Azula and Aang. Her long black hair hung over her eyes and she carried the typical Air Nomad Glider stick as a weapon. She was very pretty. "I've heard of you for a long time."
"Then you can see through this disguise?" Zhao asked, astonished. "Through this false skin?"
"What's false about it?" Malu asked. "You look the part that you decided to act."
Screaming wildly he swung at her, but she vanished as if she had never been there at all. "This is your punishment. If you want it to end, all you need to is learn from it!"
"All I need to is use my rage to crush you! It's obvious to me that it has been you all this time whose been the 'karma spirit'!"
"Nope, try again," she giggled, reappearing behind him and poking him in the back with her staff. Again she vanished as he swung.
You think I'm a one hundred and fourteen year old girl? How lame can you be?
"Apparently he's very lame," Malu said.
Zhao continued to fight the girl but she was no where to be when his weapon was swung. "You can't fool me, I know that you're using air bending tricks to make it look like you're a ghost!"
"Clever boy, but now it's time for you to go on to your next life!" She reappeared, "Boo!"
He stumbled, and fell of a cliff, stomping only for a few seconds as he got caught on a branch of a tree, which gave him a wedgie, and then broke, plummeting him down to the ground.
Reincarnation #15: A pot of tea.
This reincarnation didn't last very long at all. Zhao was made from the finest hands of all time, crafted, painted and sold. Unfortunately as he was holding his first container of tea, a child came along, and brushed him off the table, shattering him all over the place.
"WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THAT!"
Children can be clumsy!
"Oh Zhao, what a bad boy," a woman said. She picked the boy up and paddled his hinnie.
Reincarnation #16: A Goldfish
For years Zhao swam through the water, resting in the cute little pink palace that his family had bought for him, but one day, when food was scarce, the was no choice. The father of the family scooped him up, put him on a skillet, and cooked him.
"Oh come on, who eats a goldfish for crying out loud!"
Poppa cat looked around as he heard the voice, but shrugged. "Junior, don't play with your food, or you will get no pie!"
"Meow, meow, meow, now I will have no pie!"
Reincarnation #17: Neyla's Husband
As he woke up in the bed, he frowned, his mind pounding. "What in the world hit me?" he groaned, placing a hand on his head. It was at that moment that he noticed something shimmering on his ring finger, and as he lowered his hand, he saw clearly that it was a diamond ring etched with gold. Not only that, but this room was definitely not his!
"I'm married?" he asked the room, the hotel room. He was in Vegas, but how he had gotten there he didn't know.
Someone's in the bathroom.
Zhao frowned, and tiptoed into the bathroom, and peeped in. His eyes bulged out as he saw the naked frame, full of body hair, and a long pink tail. His chest tightened as she saw him. "You!" Neyla growled, glaring at her ring. "How did I end up married to a freak like you!"
"Excuse me? I'm the freak? You a frickin' talking pink tigress!"
"Oh that's it, loser," she snarled. "I hope you enjoyed the wedding night, because here comes the 'or worse' part of your marriage." She pounced on him and beat the living shit out of him, until a man in a tuxedo walked in and looked at them.
"Don't forget the special measures of your arrangement," he snapped.
"What arrangement?" they snapped together.
"You two are married for life, and neither of you can lay a finger on the other." He looked at their horrified eyes and turned to walk out, before he stared at them again, "Good luck with the kids, and welcome to Hell."
Years would pass, Zhao got a job as a shoe salesman, while Neyla became a stay at home mother, and wife who wanted more out of her man than what Zhao was willing to give. However; Peg Bundy she was not.
"Why haven't you demanded a promotion yet?" she snarled at Zhao one day, sixteen years later.
"A promotion? How can I ask for a promotion? I'm a damn shoes salesman! What in the world is above that!"
"Whine, whine, whine," Neyla growled. "That's all you ever do. Why can't we ever go out anymore?"
"And go where? We're a former admiral who shots flames from his fists, and a pink tigress!"
"Dad, I'm going out now!" his son, Panzer said with a sigh.
"No you are not! Go do your homework!"
"Did it already, besides you let Kelly go out with her boyfriend."
"Her BOYFRIEND? When did she get a boyfriend?" Zhao screeched.
"I hate my life," Neyla sighed.
Zhao nearly said the same, when Kelley's boyfriend, Puck, appeared out of no where, with a bazooka and blew the family up, laughing manically. "Actually I'm Puck now, but I used to be Sheen from Retroville. Timmy's fairy's gave me magical powers when they visited the last time."
"Of course they did," Zhao said with a sigh.
"Can I kick his butt now?" Neyla asked.
Knock yourself out.
Neyla beat the stuffing out of Zhao for a long time, before it was time for both villains to become reincarnated.
Reincarnation #18: Michael Jackson's fake nose.
Zhao felt sweaty, and weak. Hot lights were shining upon him, and he knew he was hanging on for dear life on something. Then he could hear people call out to whatever had a hold of him. Michael, Michael, he knew that name, and this situation seemed to be very familiar, but he could not understand what was going on. "Wait, Michael? As in Michael Jackson?" He'd remembered years ago being born and being placed on someone's face, but he had no idea who it was, until today.
Before he could think of what was happening, the heat was too much, and Zhao lost his grip. Down he fell, using what fire bending he had to soften his fall. Unfortunately the heat of the lights and the cameras and the flames all combined, and as he collapsed to the ground, he took out the paparazzi down below him.
Reincarnation #19: An abused Barbie Doll
Again he was made of plastic, but this time he was given a female figure, and long blonde hair. Someone put him in a box, and he was shipped off to a toy store. "I'm a doll?" he asked, his eyes growing wide with horror.
Sorry dude, I'm a guy, I really couldn't tell you how I feel about you that way.
It wasn't long before Zhao was bought by an overweight woman, and wrapped up, to be given to a little girl with a very evil glint in her eye. "Oh Ms. Dinkledoodle, I love you," she said with faux love.
"Ms. Dinkledoodle? What the hell kind of name is that!" Zhao screeched.
I think it shows a lot of imagination.
"Of course you do," Zhao sighed.
The little girl would prove her words were false in the next couple of weeks. She nearly drowned him with hot chocolate, put a diaper on him and splashed water on him and spanked him for being a 'bad girl' to wet his diaper. "What in the world is wrong with this little brat?"
"Ms. Dinkledoodle, it's time for a hair cut," the girl scowled.
"Good God she's got hedge clippers!" he howled. He gritted his teeth as the girl snipped off his hair, and part of his head in the process. "This kid needs therapy!"
Maybe all she needs is love? the karma spirit said with a chuckle.
"Love my small plastic butt, she needs a whipping!" Zhao snarled.
What plastic butt, she burned that thing off two days after getting you!
"I hate my life," Zhao said with a sigh. "For crying out loud, what is she doing know!"
The weird little girl took Zhao and placed him by the toilet. "Time for a swimming lesson," she said with a cackle. "Oh look, dad forgot to clean out the pool after his brush with a large bowl of Fire Chips!"
"God in Heaven help me!" Zhao cried, as the girl pushed Zhao down into the water, gagging him with thick gluey poop water. "This brat is worse than Princess Azula! At least her doll suffered only a little bit when the girl bit its head off. What is wrong with these children?"
A year later, the little girl was getting ready to go to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls. Before she left, she pinned Zhao to a rocket with small knives, and lit the fuse. "See you in space!" she cackled. Zhao went into the hemisphere, and then blew up, as the girl giggled and cheered.
"Mei," her mother chastised, "your aunt bought that doll for you, how could you be so naughty?"
"Whatever," Mei said with a sigh.
Reincarnation #20: Albedo's head, he rips off in front of M.O.M.O. in the Xenosaga game.
Now he was a head, upon the shoulders of a lunatic, glaring down at a small redheaded girl. He could feel power rippling through the body, and insanity running through his mind. "When will this end?" Zhao sighed.
Albedo put his hands on Zhao and tugged, ripping the body part from his shoulders, and dropping it. Through Albedo's eyes he saw the horrified look at the girl, and then saw her flesh pale as the headless body rose to its height and glared down at the former admiral. "What the …?"
The last thing he felt was the heavy foot crashing down and crushing him from underfoot.
I guess it just ended, didn't it?
"Loser," Zhao cried.
Yes, I'm clearly the loser. After all, I'm not the one going from pathetic life to pathetic life, experiencing weird things. Yep, loser, that would be me all right. Of course it takes one to know one! The Karma Spirit roared with laughter at the joke, at the cosmic joke of Zhao and everything went black.
Reincarnation #21: Martha Stewart's aide.
"I have the flower arrangement you wanted, Ms. Stewart," Zhao said, handing over the flowers.
She looked at them and back at the young boy that Zhao was. "What is this?" she said calmly, though stiff jawed.
"Flowers?" he asked, blinking.
"What is this, what is this?" She snarled, holding up a batch of red roses. "I asked for blue roses, BLUE!"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Stewart, they were all out of them," the boy said. What is this what the girl grew up into?
Different woman, different dimension.
"Oh good, I was beginning to think I might have lost you," he snapped out loud.
"Are you back talking me?" Martha growled. She shot to her feet. "Do you know who I am?"
Psychotic? "Ms. Stewart, I'm sorry, but …"
The angry woman threw herself at Zhao, kicking the crap out of him, using the foulest of foul language as they tumbled away from the cameras, and down into the first story of the building. Unfortunately Zhao never realized that Martha Stewart was the reincarnation of Princess Azula.
The two broke their necks as they landed, and went their separate ways, for the time being anyway.
Okay, the second story is done! Whoo hoo! Yes, there is a third story coming up. Hopefully this chapter was good enough that you all will read the third one, called: Even More 21 Reincarnations of Admiral Zhao. And for those of you who read this one first, find the first story, 21 Reincarnations of Admiral Zhao. Okay, read, and review! PLEASE REVIEW!