Summary: Calvin has to go to Rosalyn's house for a day.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Attack of the Vampire Babysitter
Sneer Hill was a mountain sized... well, hill, of corse. Its name came from the fact that it looked like a sneering face from a particular angle. It was steep, filled with rattlesnakes, wolves, and rabbits.
It was also Calvin's favorite wagon riding hill, for the fact that it had hundreds of cliffs. It was just behind Calvin's house in the forest, so his parents allowed him to ride his wagon down there. However, neither of them knew about all the cliffs.
It took Calvin and Hobbes an hour to reach the summit of the mountain.
By then, they were both weary.
"Alright." Calvin panted. "When we reach the cliff next to that weird tree with the lighting bolt scar on it, we'll turn and make a detour through the cave."
"But that takes us right towards a sheer drop off." Hobbes said.
"Yes." Calvin said, "but that sheer drop off lands us right into our backyard, so we won't have to walk back."
"Oh boy."
Calvin climbed into the front of the wagon, along with Hobbes, who was in the back.
They both looked down off the summit.
It was pretty far down.
Calvin grinned, and started to lean forward.
The wagon started to roll forward, slowly, then began to pick up speed.
Soon they were roaring down the hill at a speed of seventy miles an hour.
Calvin jerked the wheel left and right, dodging all the rocks and animal trails.
Hobbes was leaning backward, gripping the sides of the wagon with both hands, and kept his eyes closed.
Suddenly, a cliff started showing through.
Calvin jerked the wheel to the left, and the wagon roared into the cave next to it.
The wagon bumped across the rocks in the cave, and continued heading straight downward.
Hobbes opened his eyes, and looked ahead of Calvin.
Everything was slightly dark, but Hobbes could make out the features of the cave; dark. Cold. Miserable. And wet.
Suddenly, Hobbes started to see a light signaling that they were almost out of the cavern.
Hobbes closed his eyes again, as the end came up.
Suddenly, as if by magic, when the wagon was engulfed by the light, all ground, walls, and ceilings vanished and the wagon was now flying over the countryside.
THEY HAD JUST FLOWN RIGHT OFF THE MOUNTAIN!
The wagon started to head downward. Then plummeted into a dive.
Hobbes slammed his eyes shut, gritted his teeth, and took a strong hold on the frame.
CRASH!
Calvin and Hobbes' breath was knocked out of them, Hobbes' head lurched, and Calvin's teeth chattered, but Calvin was able to keep the wagon on the wheels.
They continued to zoom away from the Sneer Hill.
Calvin turned the wagon onto the sidewalk, and flew down it.
Suddenly, and just darn luck, Moe walked into Calvin's path.
How sad. How tragic. Tee hee.
"OUT OF THE WAY, MOE, I CAN'T STOP THIS THING!"
Calvin had to make a few adjustments to the wagon, and swerve to the right, but, luckily, He was able to...
CRASH!
...tee hee, bury Moe under the avalanche of his wagon of death.
Moe never saw what was coming. Tee hee.
Calvin then leaned forward and picked up speed in case Moe decided he wanted revenge.
Suddenly, the mailman came into view.
"Beep beep!" Calvin yelled.
WHAM!
Packages, letters, and postcards went flying through the air.
So did the mailman.
Meanwhile, Susie was playing with Mr Bun on the sidewalk. It was a sunny day, and she was having a great time.
Suddenly, Susie heard a high pitched screech.
Susie looked up in time to see a red something roaring towards her.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!"
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
Susie gritted her teeth, and slammed her eyes shut as the wagon screamed to a stop two inches from her nose.
Calvin grinned, and leaned over the side of the wagon.
"Never fear, child! Calvin the Bold is at the controls."
Susie glared murderously at Calvin.
Calvin laughed, leaped out the wagon, and pulled it home.
"That was quite the ride, wasn't it, Hobbes?" Calvin asked.
"Uh-huh."
"I actually think we should use that route more often."
"Yeah, I already lost five of my nine lives on that trip." Hobbes muttered.
Calvin pulled the wagon home, and stored it back in the garage.
Then, he and Hobbes walked into the house.
Mom was wearing a red polka dot dress. Dad was wearing a black suit with a white tie.
Calvin stared at them.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Out." Mom said, combing her hair out.
Calvin shrugged. He started for the stairs, then stopped.
He turned around, slowly, and stared at his parents with wide unblinking eyes.
"Out?" He repeated. "As in out there? As in not here? As in BABY SITTER!"
Mom and Dad nodded their heads, emotionlessly.
Calvin's eyes nearly exploded out of his head.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Calvin flew across the floor, and blocked the door.
"I wont let you go! I WON'T LET YOU!"
Mom walked up to Calvin.
"Get dressed, Calvin, you're coming."
Calvin's eyes glazed over.
"Oh." he said. "Well, that's not as bad, I guess. OK. I'd love to come, Mom."
Calvin took Hobbes and they all piled into the car.
Mom started the car, they backed out of the driveway.
Mom turned the car to the left, and started off for town.
Yes, yes, good, good.
Suddenly, Mom took a left and... HUH!
"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" Calvin yelled. "This isn't the way to town! This is a private driveway!"
"Yes, we know." Dad said.
Calvin thought.
He started to piece things together.
Mom and Dad had to run an errand before they could go to town. Yes, that was it!
Calvin started to relax.
Ok, this was no sweat. Just sit in the car and wait for Mom and Dad to... Rosalyn?
Rosalyn was standing at the door of the house.
Wait a minute. This was Rosalyn's house.
"HEY!" Calvin screamed. "I thought you said you were going to take me with you on your fun date!"
"We never said that." Dad said. "We just said that you have to come with us."
Calvin's eyes nearly exploded out of his head.
"I'VE BEEN USED!" Calvin declared. "I'VE BEEN BEGUILED! I'VE BEEN HAD! FOOLED! PLAYED FOR A SUCKER! DECEIVED! MISLEAD! BETRAYED! DUPED! DOUBLE CROSSED! TRICKED! LIED TO! DELUDED! BLUFFED! SOME OTHER WORD THAT MEANS "TRICKED"!"
It took Mom and Dad fifteen minutes to pry Calvin out of the car, and another fifteen minutes to drag him to the door where Rosalyn was waiting, patiently.
"We'll be back by ten at night, Rosalyn." Mom said, attempting to release Calvin's grasp on the tree. "Can you handle it?"
"TEN AT NIGHT!" Calvin bellowed. "IT'S NINE IN THE MORNING! I'LL BE HAMBURGER BEFORE YOU GET BACK! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! SHE MIGHT HAVE GUNS IN THERE! SHE MIGHT BE A CONVICTED MURDERER! HELP!"
Rosalyn stared at Calvin.
"I'll think I'll be OK." She said. Then she added, under her breath. "The creep's not in his little fortress anymore."
"What was that?" Mom asked.
"Nothing." Rosalyn said. "I'll be fine."
"SHE'S HOMICIDAL! DON'T LEAVE ME! AAAA!"
At last Dad ripped the lunatic off the tree, and flung him at the door.
Mom, Dad, and Rosalyn talked for a while, then the parents left.
Rosalyn turned to Calvin.
"Alright, Calvin." She said. "Before we go into the house, we need to set some ground rules."
"DIE! DRACULA'S BRIDE!"
Calvin whipped out his dart gun, and popped Rosalyn on the nose.
She calmly removed the dart from her face, and reached for Calvin.
"QUICK HOBBES! INTO THE SAFETY OF THE HOUSE! IF YOU SEE ANY DUNGEONS RELEASE THE CHILDREN! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"
Calvin grabbed the stuffed tiger next to him and blasted into the house.
Before Rosalyn could react, Calvin slammed the door shut in her face and locked it.
Rosalyn tried the handle and sighed.
"Calvin, it just so happens I expected you to do that." She called into the house. "I have the keys in my pocket."
Rosalyn reached into her pocket, and pulled out a ring of keys.
"HIDE!" Calvin cried. "Into the basement!"
Calvin and Hobbes ran into the basement as the lock on the front door clicked.
Calvin and Hobbes backed themselves into the darkest corner.
"What do we do now?" Hobbes asked, a little more calmly than Calvin.
"Show no emotion." Calvin said. "Babysitters can sense fear, happiness, sadness, and your other forms of emotion! We even have reason to suspect they can read minds! So don't think!"
"Seven plus three, Calvin?"
"Shut up!"
Suddenly the basement door opened.
Calvin and Hobbes fell silent.
In the darkness, Calvin heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.
Calvin held his breath and waited.
Silence came as Rosalyn reached the bottom step. Then more footsteps coming towards the hiding duo.
Calvin turned to Hobbes.
In the darkness, Calvin couldn't make out Hobbes' features.
"Hobbes?" He whispered. "She's found us! I'm afraid we'll have to go into a battle of the death! Ready?"
No answer.
"Hobbes?"
No answer.
Calvin felt the area next to him.
Hobbes had vanished, the dumb cat, and had left Calvin to perish.
How did Hobbes manage to disappear like that, time and time again? Calvin had tried it hundreds of times before, but had never succeeded.
Calvin swallowed, and turned around.
Rosalyn's features started to take shape.
Blond hair put in a pony tail, red T-shirt, black pants, brown sneakers.
Calvin tried to turn himself into a pancake, and press against the wall.
What did he call this? Oh yes, the Invisible-to-enemy-radar Maneuver.
Rosalyn stopped, three yards from Calvin.
She placed her hands on her hips, and looked around.
Then she... turned and left?
Whew. It appeared that it was too dark for Rosalyn to see him.
Close call.
As soon as Rosalyn left, Calvin sneaked back up the stairs, and tiptoed around the livingroom.
Rosalyn was in the Kitchen checking the cabinets for him.
Calvin tiptoed up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
There he found Hobbes hiding in the bathtub.
"How did you get in here?" Calvin demanded.
"Huh?"
"How do you magically vanish like that! I demand to know! And how dare you surrender your position during a combat situation!"
"Mm-hmmm."
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
"I am ashamed. I don't know how I'll ever live with the guilt."
"I hope you mean that, Hobbes."
"Oh, I do."
"Good."
Calvin scratched his chin.
"I've lost my train of thought."
"No it's a babysitter."
"What?"
"I said... well, let me think here, I said... I can't remember."
"Then shut up."
"Right."
Calvin peeked out the bathroom door.
Rosalyn was coming up.
Calvin backed up.
"Rosalyn's coming! What'll we do?"
"Do you have your Time Pauser?" Hobbes asked.
"No."
"Good."
Calvin glared at him.
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and Rosalyn came in.
Calvin and Hobbes weren't there.
She walked over to the shower curtain, and yanked it open, revealing Calvin and his stuffed tiger.
"Get away from me, you babysitting freak!"
Rosalyn's eyes narrowed to slits, and she grabbed Calvin out of the tub.
Rosalyn carried Calvin down the stairs, and flung him and Hobbes into a chair, in the kitchen.
Calvin looked up, as Rosalyn fished through the fridge.
"What do you want for lunch?" She asked, calmly.
"Ice creme!"
"Uh-uh." Rosalyn growled. "Your parents told me to give you a nourishing meal. How do you like your tomatoes cut?"
Calvin stuck his tongue out.
"I hate tomatoes!"
"How about corn? That stuff's good."
"No."
"Mashed pataoes?"
"NO!"
"I'm not running a restaurant for picky eaters, punk!" She hissed. "You're having a salad!"
Rosalyn angrily grabbed the salad out of the fridge and poured some of it into a bowl for Calvin.
Calvin stared down at the bowl of leaves.
"What's that white stuff on it!" Calvin demanded. "Are you trying to poison me!"
"It's ranch dressing." Rosalyn said.
"Oh."
Calvin looked down at the bowl.
Suddenly he got an idea.
Just as Rosalyn sat down with her sandwich, Calvin leaped onto the table, and shoved a handful of salad and ranch dressing into Rosalyn's mouth.
"HA HA! Take that! Now if this is poison, then you will die a horrible death!"
Rosalyn swallowed the pound of grass, then grabbed Calvin off the table by the shirt collar.
"THAT'S IT! BEDTIME!"
"What!" Calvin yelled. "You can't put me to bed! It's only ten in the morning! And besides! You don't have a bed to put me in! This is your house, you evil barracuda!"
Rosalyn came down to eye level with Calvin.
"Who said anything about a bed?"
Calvin and Hobbes found themselves in the garage.
"dibs on the car." Hobbes said.
"This is insane!" Calvin bellowed. "It's not even noon! Now we have to sit in the garage until ten! This is a total outrage to the Calvin name!"
"Uh huh."
"I think we should start a circumvolution of the tables!" Calvin yelled. "She can't enclose us like this!"
"She just did."
"She may have locked up our hodies Bobbes, but she can't lock up our soul!"
"My name's Hobbes."
"Our souls run wild and free, and I know perfectly well what your name is!"
"Yeah but you called me Bobbes." Hobbes said. "It kinda hurts my feelings."
"I did not call you Bobbes!"
"Yeah you did."
"In a second I'm going to call you something worse, if you don't shut up!"
Hobbes crossed his arms, and turned away.
"Yeah? And maybe I don't want to help you with Rosalyn! I'm nice and comfortable in this car seat!"
"Fine! I'm sorry that I called you Bobbes! Even though I didn't!"
"I guess that's close enough."
Hobbes turned to Calvin.
"What's the plan?"
Spaceman Spiff glances at the alien. Calvin thought staring at Rosalyn who was watching TV. our hero devises a plan of escape from the gloomy dungeon of death!
Calvin motioned for Hobbes to follow him, and the two tiptoed out of the garage.
"Step one." Hobbes said, as they stepped outside. "TV doom."
Calvin climbed onto the roof with the ladder, and started whacking Rosalyn's dish with a hammer.
The TV suddenly went out.
Rosalyn blinked.
"Step two." Hobbes said. "Power outage."
Calvin grinned, and started switching the power box on and off.
Rosalyn stared around in wonder as the lights in the house went on and off.
"Step three." Hobbes said. "Watery grave."
Calvin snuck into the house and put the hose in Rosalyn's purse.
He gave Hobbes the signal, and Hobbes squeaked the faucet on.
Water filled the purse as Rosalyn's cell phone, wallet, and other accessories floated to the top.
"YOU!" Rosalyn yelled, pointing a finger at Calvin.
"Whoops." Calvin muttered. "ABORT MISSION, HOBBES!"
Hobbes had vanished, again.
Calvin flew away from Rosalyn, as she made a grab for him.
Calvin ran up the stairs, and into the bathroom, he locked th door to the bathroom, and proceeded to try and pry the window open so he could escape.
Rosalyn tried the door handle, and growled.
Calvin finally pried the window open, and leaped off the ledge.
He collapsed in a heap in the grass, and zoomed away.
Hobbes was on the sidewalk next to Rosalyn's house.
"What are you doing back here!" Calvin demanded.
"Well..."
"Would you shut up! We don't have time for questions! Rosalyn's after us!"
Calvin and Hobbes ran down the sidewalk.
"Are we going home?" Hobbes asked.
"No." Calvin said. "That'll be the first place she looks! We're going to let the fates be our guide!"
Calvin rushed into his garage, and pulled out the wagon.
"Count me out." Hobbes said.
"Get in." Calvin growled.
"Nope."
"GET IN!"
"OK."
Calvin and Hobbes ran into the forest with the wagon, just as Rosalyn showed up in her blue ford.
Calvin and Hobbes zoomed up Sneer Hill, and came to the summit quicker than before.
Calvin got into the wagon, followed by Hobbes, and the two flew down the mountain.
Meanwhile, Rosalyn found Calvin's tracks in the dirt, and started to climb Sneer Hill.
Calvin and Hobbes came to a cliff, Calvin rocketed off of it, them landed smoothly on another route.
"Calvin!" Hobbes called. "We've never been down this way!"
"So?"
"If you live, stay away from my funeral!"
The wagon blasted a hole through the forest, and approached a cliff.
Instead of going off it, Calvin ran the wagon along the side of it, and finally came to an end, in which, the wagon collapsed onto another stretch of mountain.
Rosalyn climbed up the mountain, panting.
She looked up.
"I know he came this way." She panted. "Where is that twerp?"
Suddenly the sound of squeaky wheels reached Rosalyn's ears.
She spun around, in time to see the wagon flying towards her.
CRASH!
Rosalyn tumbled over Calvin and Hobbes' head, and grabbed hold of the back of the wagon.
"CALVIN STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!" Rosalyn screeched.
"I CAN'T!" Calvin roared back. "OUR LIVES ARE IN THE WAGON'S, (and my ability to steer's) HANDS!"
Before Rosalyn could answer, the wagon approached another cliff with a cave next to it.
Calvin jerked the wheel to the left, and the wagon went zooming down cave.
"AAAAA!" Rosalyn screamed as the wagon bumped across the wet cavern.
Suddenly, the end of the cave began to show up.
The wagon exploded out of the mountain, and began flying over the country side, again.
Rosalyn screamed louder, as the wagon began to plummet into a dive.
Rosalyn climbed into the wagon behind Hobbes, and the wagon then crash landed in Calvin's backyard.
Rosalyn thought it was all over from there, until she realized that they were still moving.
To her dismay, Rosalyn discovered that Calvin had kept the wagon steady, and they were now picking up speed on the highway.
The wagon however, was in the wrong lane, and hundreds of cars had to swerve, to miss it.
The wagon then came to a JC Penny.
Calvin exploded through the double doors, and crashed through shirt stands and such.
Calvin's head found itself wrapped up in a green T-shirt.
Calvin threw it aside in time to see hundreds of people jumping out of Calvin's way, as the wagon blasted around the store.
They finally came to an exit, and they began zooming down town, again.
"GET ME OFF THIS THING!" Rosalyn screeched.
"OK, Fine, Roz, I'll just turn it towards your house."
Calvin jerked the wheel to the right, and zoomed down the private drive.
As Rosalyn's house began to take shape, Calvin turned the wagon to it, and...
CRASH!
Whoops.
It appeared that Calvin broke the window.
And, I'm sad to say, that the impact to the window didn't slow the wagon down, any.
Calvin practically destroyed every room in the house, until the wagon finally crash landed into the wall, and stopped.
Calvin rolled his eyes around to Rosalyn.
My goodness, her eyes had turned red, fangs began to grow out of her teeth, smoke bellowed out of her nose... Uh... She didn't look to happy about the state of the world.
Calvin's parents drove down Rosalyn's driveway.
They found a destroyed house at the end of it.
"Oh no." Dad sighed.
They found a very mad Rosalyn staring at them from the front porch.
Mom sighed, and walked up to her.
She began to speak but Rosalyn cut her off.
"I'm sorry, but tonight, it's REALLY going tocost you."
Later that night, Calvin and Hobbes were in bed.
Mom and Dad had locked the door, and Calvin was trapped in his room.
"Well, Hobbes." Calvin said. "What do you suppose the moral is?"
"Mm." Hobbes replied.
"Is there any good in what happened today?" Calvin asked. "There must be a silver lining."
"Mm" Hobbes said.
"When we got up this morning, our record was clean! We were just as innocent as the next guy. Now we're locked up in a dungeon. IS THERE NO JUSTICE!"
"Mm."
"I suppose we did protect ourselves against the vampire babysitter."
"Mm"
"And what if we hadn't? I'd be rotting in a garage with vultures peaking at my head."
"Mm"
"And then where would the world be?"
"Mm"
"It would be in medieval times! People would be gathered around circular tables, contemplating their meaningless lives!"
"Mm."
"I've done the world a huge favor, Hobbes! I may be under house arrest, but the good news is... is that the world still has... ME!"
"Mm."
"I'd say that would be a job well done! RIGHT!"
"Calvin, did it ever occur to you that I may be trying to sleep?"
Calvin ignored Hobbes.
He laid back in bed, and fell asleep.
Confident that he had just made the world a better place.
Uh huh.
The End
Voice work
Pamela Segel: Calvin/Spaceman Spiff
Tom Hanks: Hobbes
Bill Murray: Dad
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Mom
Daveigh Chase: Rosalyn
Dakota Fanning: Susie
Dee Bradley Baker: Miscellaneous voice work
Coming up next: Have You Seen This Tiger? (The Second TV movie)