Chapter 6 – Oh no, not you again

Jackie had learnt a great deal since she came to Chicago – how to find and report stories, how to pay her own bills, how to bring a man to her side with one glance. As she fanned the smoke away from the pot roast, however, she glumly admitted that her cooking skills were no farther along.

"Oh well. We've been meaning to try the takeout from that new Chinese place anyhow," she said to herself philosophically as she dumped the charred mess into the rubbish. Glancing at the clock, she estimated Nick should be finished with the editing of their latest piece by now and would be home in 30 minutes. Not that it was his home – they still kept separate apartments, even though they rarely slept apart. Even though she loved being with Nick she still preferred keeping her life separate from his – a new twist for the girl who could never be alone, the girl who had started planning her wedding with Steven from the first time he had (accidentally) called her his girlfriend. All part of growing up, Jackie thought, as she scanned the local directory for Wok and Spring Roll's number. Much better to have a boyfriend she did not feel all dependent and frantic over and keep her self-respect. Great sex, great friendship and a lot of laughs, that's what Nick meant to her and such a relief after all the soap opera drama she had been through this past year.

Twenty minutes later, the security buzzer sounded – Great, the food's here she thought as she buzzed the delivery guy through the front door. When the knock echoed on her door, she opened it with an appreciative smile for the fast service – only to have the smile die on her lips as she confronted the man she had promised herself to spend the rest of her life avoiding.

"Steven?" she said as if there was some doubt.

"Hey, Jacks," he said quietly. He took advantage of her amazement and walked through the door. He turned and waited for her to say something, but she continued staring at him like he had risen from the dead. Uncomfortable, he said "You know, you shouldn't buzz people in like that without knowing who they are."

"I – I thought you were the delivery guy," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in Chicago – just to visit Kelso – when I was passing by your building and thought I'd just – you know – pop in."

"Pop in? You don't pop in on a girl you've emotionally scarred, Steven. There are rules to the pop in!"

"I think we both got cut, Jackie. Why don't we just call it even?"

"Oh I don't know, how about because we are nowhere close to even. How about for us to be even when it comes to pain you would have to have your arms and legs tied to four wild horses in a lightening storm." But Hyde was not listening, he was too busy drinking in Jackie's appearance. She had never looked so good to him – no wonder she was stopping traffic here in Chicago.

"Sam's gone," he blurted out. This stopped Jackie mid-diatribe.

"Gone? Gone where?"

"Don't know. Don't care. I never loved her, Jackie. We were just using each other for sex, when you come down to it."

"So you're saying you turned your back on what we could have had for a woman you didn't even love? And you think not caring about her makes it better?"

"No, that's not what I'm trying to say." Hyde wished Jackie would stop looking at him like she was trying to figure out exactly what kind of creep he was. "I chose someone I didn't care about because I didn't want to care anymore – because caring for you had hurt too much. But I made a mistake. I admit it," he said, making a great concession.

Jackie felt a strong urge to back away from this conversation before it brought down the happy, contented little world she had built for herself.

"I'm suddenly getting some strong déjà vu here," Jackie said. "Last time you surprised me in Chicago, Michael walked in to kill the mood. Now I have a boyfriend who will be here any minute and I think it would be best if you left before he arrived."

Hyde felt himself die inside to hear Jackie apply the word "boyfriend" to someone who wasn't him.

"Yeah, sure," he said woodenly as he walked towards the front door. Then he swung around so abruptly Jackie bumped into him, a full frontal bumping. He whipped off his sunglasses then held her forearms in his grip, transfixing her with his unprotected blue gaze.

"Jackie, I'll be damned if I'm leaving here before I've said what I came to say. That's what always happens – like when I went down to the TV station that time, I almost told you then but I chickened out because I thought you didn't need me. Or when I ran off to Vegas instead of kicking Kelso's ass and finding out exactly what had happened between you two. I'm not running anymore. Even if it's too late and it won't do any good, I have to tell you that –"

"What?" Jackie asked, breathless.

"That I – that – you win."

Jackie blinked. "Win? Win what?"

"Well – me. Marriage, kids, the whole 9 yards. My life just doesn't feel right without you in it, Jackie, and I'm willing to pay the price to have you back."

Fool, Jackie berated herself furiously. Fool for hoping for one second, fool for thinking he is someone other than he is. She shook his hands off her. "Pay the price?" she repeated, voice trembling. "I win? Do you see yourself as some grand prize, Steven? Because from where I'm standing I'm just not seeing it."

"What's wrong with you?" Hyde asked, frustrated because he had seen something in her eyes for a fraction of a moment before he had at some unknown point said the wrong thing. God, words were such a minefield for him, always blowing him up when he thought he was stepping on safe ground.

"Did you ever ask yourself why I left for Chicago the first time, Steven? Why I didn't wait for your answer as to whether you would marry me some day?"

"I've forgiven you for that, Jackie. You just panicked. Let's put it behind us," he answered, unsure of what she wanted to hear.

"I left," she continued, "because Eric told me you were so upset at the prospect of spending the rest of your life with me that you went to a beer warehouse and got stinking, passed-out drunk."

"What? You knew about that?"

"Over and over, you do this to me, reeling me in only to smash me over the head again. There was this nurse, Jackie. Did you really think I was going to wait for you, Jackie. Have a nice trip, Jackie. Well, no more. You're not the prize in this relationship, bucko, I am! You should be praising God on your knees that I was willing to marry you. I would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, but you didn't have brains enough to see that."

"I can't believe what a bitch you are being," Hyde snarled, throwing his own temper into the ring. "I pour my heart out to you and this is the thanks I get?"

"Poured your heart out? More like threw me a bone. But that's you all over, Steven. You are stingy with your compromises, stingy with your approval and stingy with your love. I deserve a man who can offer me his heart with both hands and I'm not settling for less." Drawing a deep breath, Jackie moderated her voice. "Please go now, Steven."

Blue fire snapping from his eyes, Hyde shouldered past her and strode angrily out her door. Jackie sat down on the armchair, rubbing her arms which were suddenly chilled. At some point the Chinese food arrived, though she had no memory of paying for it. As the lemon chicken congealed in the cardboard boxes, she suddenly realised that Nick should have arrived an hour ago. He was three hours late when he finally walked in the door with a face as grey as a winter sky.

"Nick? What is it?" she asked in alarm.

His brown eyes full of pain, Nick choked out "Jackie, I have some… very bad news."