And Now back to HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series

"Socrates, if you had ever considered getting along with me, this never would've happened! This is all your fault! But if you approach me just right, I might consider accepting an apology."

"I'll give you an apology!" Socrates hissed. "Just take two steps towards me, and I'll give you an apology you'll never forget!"

"THERE! You see? You won't compromise! You don't even try to get along! But I'm giving you one last chance you give me an apology!"

"I don't compromise, Calvin." Socrates said. "And I don't apologize. If I can't run the show, I don't play!"

Calvin sighed, and shook his head.

"And now, I might just consider running away rom this dump!" Socrates snarled.

Calvin stared at him.

"You're crazy! Do you have any idea what kind of things are in those woods! You'd be all alone!"

He continued to glare at him.

"Cats enjoy being alone, Calvin, because, when we're alone, we're in the best company."

This was hopeless.

"Listen, cat! You don't know what you're talking about! There are dangerous things in there! Mountain lions, wolves, coyotes! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"I can take care of myself, Calvin. I don't need the help of a bungling kid!"

Calvin's eyes narrowed to slits.

"OK! That's it, Cat!"

Calvin whipped his Transmogrifier Gun.

ZEE-AP!

"MROW! HISSSSS!"

Calvin activated the laser in the gun, and Socrates went flying into the wall.

CRASH!

His eyes shot open, and his eyes were aflame.

He leaped into the air, and tried to pounce Calvin.

But Calvin would have none of it.

ZAP!

CRASH!

Socrates watched the checkers and stars go around his head.

Then a rope fell into his lap from the shelf.

Socrates grinned, and tied the rope into a lasso.

He roped Calvin at the waist, and flung him upward.

Calvin fumbled with his Transmogrifier Gun.

ZAP!

The rope turned into a trampoline to which Calvin landed smoothly on, and bounced off next to the raging Socrates.

ZAP!

Socrates went flying into the wall again.

CRASH!

Socrates opened his eyes, and lifted his head off the work desk.

There was a rope lasso heading for him.

"HEY!" Socrates screamed, as Calvin wrapped the rope around Socrates waist.

However, Socrates was too heavy, and Calvin could fling him over his head like Socrates could with him.

So, Calvin just spun completely around, keeping a good hold on the rope, and as Calvin turned, Socrates became airborne.

"YAAAAH!"

CRASH!

When the smoke cleared, Socrates' eyes were angrier than ever, and he was holding he snapped rope in his hand.

He crouched down, then exploded forward into Calvin's stomach.

POW!

The two crashed into the dirt.

Calvin spun over, and got on top of Socrates, Only Socrates kicked Calvin off with his legs.

Calvin landed face first on the wood flooring, then spun around just in time to see Socrates flying downward tow him.

CRASH!

Calvin leaped from the way as Socrates crash landed into the wall.

Socrates rubbed his head, and moaned. But quickly regained himself.

He leaped up, and prepared to pounce Calvin, again.

Calvin whipped out his Time Pauser.

Right as Socrates came in contact with Calvin, he hit the button.

BOOM!

White shockwaves traveled out from Calvin and Socrates as time halted.

Calvin and Socrates rolled around outside, crashing each other into various items that hadbeen stopped due to the Time Pauser.

Including, the house, the trees, the fences, Hobbes, and other stuff like that.

Neither of them were getting the higher score.

Each time Calvin would throw Socrates into something, Socrates would quickly even things out.

By the end of the third hour, both of them were worn out.

Calvin's hair was covered in sticks, and no longer had the smooth spikes coming out, and his shirt was ripped.

Socrates fur was all ruffled up, he had one ear pinned back while the other stuck up. And he was covered in dirt.

Both of them were out of breath, and glaring daggers at each other.

Then, Calvin decided to give the final installment.

He bent down, so his fingers were tipping the ground, then he exploded forward.

Socrates tried to get a firm grip on him, but Calvin was going to fast.

Just as Calvin had stationed himself at Socrates' back, the Time Pauser lost batteries, and started up, again.

BOOM!

Calvin grabbed Socrates by the scruff of the neck.

He had seen this before.

If you grab a cat by it's neck, it wont struggle or do anything in protest. It'll go limp.

There areseveral ways to capture a cat.

And there's also several ways to get your face torn off by a hissing, spitting, clawing little buzz saw.

But it if you grab the cat by the scruff of the neck. That's all it'll take to make him go limp.

That's just what Socrates did.

Calvin subdued the prankster, and started to drag him away.

Towards the wilderness.

Knowing that Calvin had overcome him, Socrates calmed down, a bit, to avoid further injury.

"Pant, pant, pant. You're taking me somewhere, Calvin. pant, pant." Socrates gasped, trying to restore peace.

Calvin continued to drag Socrates away, and he didn't answer.

"It's a... pant pant... nice day for a walk in the... pant, pant... mountains, but I think we've gone far enough."

Calvin refused to answer.

"Calvin? I'm wondering where we're going... pant, pant... Are you listening?"

Yes, he was listening, but his heart had turned to stone.

Calvin carried Socrates to the base of Sneer Hill, and dropped him into the dirt.

"Here's where you get off, cat. It's called, CARNIVORE CITY!"

Socrates had his ears pinned back and he was hissing.

"Socrates. This is your absolute last chance for an apology." Calvin said. "If you don't I'll leave you here for the bears."

Socrates shook his head.

"I don't apologize, Calvin." He hissed.

"Alright." Calvin said. "If you make a small apology to me, I'll take you home."

Socrates grinned, and shook his head.

"OK." Calvin said. "If you promise to think about making a small apology in the next few days then..."

"No."

"Look, cat! I brought you here to bump you off! Now I'm giving you a chance to start over with a clean slate!"

Socrates grinned, and shook his head.

"I'm not making an apology."

"OK, if you promise to consider thinking about making a small apology within the next year..."

"Apology is a word cats don't understand, Calvin." Socrates said.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"Alright, fine! In that case I ORDER YOU TO COME BACK TO THE HOUSE! Right this minute!"

Socrates shook his head, stubbornly.

"I don't take orders, Calvin. Not from you. Not from anyone."

"WILL YOU LISTEN TO REASON!" Calvin screamed. "WHEN I LEAVE YOU, YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE IN RATTLESNAKE COUNTRY!"

Socrates cross his arms.

"I'll come back with you, Calvin." He said.

"That's better."

"But only if you make a full and complete apology to me, and you agree to let me be Dictator for Life in your club, forever, and ever."

Calvin stared at him.

"You want me to... Alright! Fine! I should have known better than to talk sense to YOU! Goodbye, Socrates! I'm washing my hands of this whole mess! Goodbye, and GOOD RIDDANCE!"

And with that, Calvin went home, convinced that he had done the world a huge favor.

Calvin walked into the house, and found Hobbes sitting in the chair, watching TV.

Ah good. Calvin was happy to be able to take his mind of... other matters.

Calvin walked up to Hobbes.

"Hi Hobbes! How are you doing?" He asked, cheerily.

"Calvin? Did you the news? Socrates is gone!"

"Oh really? Well that's tragic."

"I've looked everywhere but I can't find him! I'm kinda worried."

"Worry about global warming, Hobbes. And leave the kitties to take care of themselves. Uh, no offense."

"Yeah, but... What if he wanders away, and the wild animals eat him?"

Calvin put his nose in Hobbes face.

"I don't want to talk about Socrates, or think about Socrates! Do you understand?"

"Gosh. You're kinda touchy."

"I'M NOT TOUCHY! The subject bores me, is all!"

Hobbes studied Calvin.

"You wouldn't have seen him while you were gone out for revenge on him, would you?" He asked, suspiciously.

"I, uh, no. Of corse not. I can't find him anywhere. Why would you ask such a ridiculous question?"

"Just wondering. Where did you go?"

"I went for a little walk, Socrates."

"I'm Hobbes. You called me Socrates."

"Yes, of corse, how silly of me. I went for a walk."

Hobbes examined Calvin through narrowed eyes.

"You're acting kinda funny. Is anything wrong?"

"Wrong? Why no! Everything's great! Wonderful! Terrific! Now lets go outside, Socrates, and do that GROSS meeting we were planning on."

"You just called Socrates, again."

"GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!"

"Gosh! You don't have to yell and scream!"

"I'M NOT YELLING AND SCREAMING!"

"You are to yelling and screaming! And I'm wondering why you're acting so funny, all of a sudden!"

"Forget it! Let's just go outside!"

Calvin and Hobbes walked outside to the tree house.

"This meeting of GROSS, Get Rid Of Slimy Girls is now called to order."

Hobbes clapped, slightly.

"First tiger, and President Socrates will now go over the minutes of our last meeting!"

Hobbes pulled out a notebook, and started reading.

"10:30AM, meeting is called to order. 10:31AM, minutes of last meeting are read. 10:50AM bandages administrated. 10..."

Calvin stopped him.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "You did write down 10:40, when we started our philosophical discussion!"

"I didn't?"

"No you didn't! Do you realize what kind of consequences come from that?"

"Not really."

"Death! Destruction! People dying in the streets! Socrates, you may have just broke the GROSS minute law of LIFE!"

"Oh my gosh!"

"Exactly! And now, a curse has been put upon you! In which your tail will shorten!"

"Oh my gosh!"

"It's even possible that you wont have a tail AT ALL!"

"OH MY GOSH! What will everyone say?"

"They'll point at you and say, hey look at the freak without a tail!"

Hobbes covered his eyes.

"Don't say that! I wouldn't be able to live with it!"

"It will be hard, Socrates, but..."

"You called me Socrates, again."

Calvin glared at Hobbes.

"Will you shut up about Socrates! That's the third time you've brought him up!'"

"Yeah, but it's the third time you've called me Socrates!"

"I did no such thing! Your name is HOBBES! You may have just lost your tail, and you have more important things to think about, than a sneaky, sniveling, tiger, no offense! We're lucky to be rid of him!"

"OK, I'll try."

"Whatever happened to him, I'm sure he deserved it."

"You're still talking about him."

"And besides, you can't expect a tiger to live forever. Even if he hadn't been eaten by wild animals, he would've died of gluttony."

"Well, I guess."

"So, as you can see..."

Just then, the front door opened, and Mom called, "CALVIN! LUNCH TIME!"

"HOBBES! It's lunch time! Let's go! WE HAVE ALL THE FOOD TO OURSELVES!"

"What about my tail?"

"Bring it along, we'll probably have to use it as evidence! COME ON!"

Calvin and Hobbes rocketed off the tree house.

"HEY, CALVIN!" Hobbes called. "MY TAIL'S ALRIGHT! IT'S RIGHT WHERE I LEFT IT!"

"GOOD GREAT!" Calvin yelled.

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed to the house and beat...

Well, there really was no one to beat to the food.

Which kinda took the challenge out of...

Calvin slowed, and walked the remaining ten yards to the house.

There, they found sandwiches waiting for them.

Calvin rushed up.

Mom was waiting.

"Where's you other tiger?" Mom asked.

"Beats me." Calvin said. "Let's eat!"

"Well, don't you want your other stuffed tiger?"

Calvin stopped jumping up and down.

"No." He said.

There was a long moment of silence.

Mom shrugged, and walked away.

"OK, Hobbes! Now before you get any big ideas, I get the bigger portion!"

Hobbes sniffed the food.

Then he... huh. shook his head.

"You can have it, Calvin. I'm not very hungry."

"How can you not be hungry?"

"I dunno. It's just not the same. When we can't fight over it... With Socrates."

"Well, you can just sit there, and watch, and I'll...!"

Hmmm, Calvin wasn't very hungry, either.

Calvin took a bite out of the sandwich, rolled it around in his mouth.

Then slowly swallowed it, with a blank expression.

The exciting taste Calvin had suspected to find... just wasn't there.

"It's not the same, is it, Calvin?"

"What?"

He'd been watching Calvin.

"I... don't know what you're talking about."

Hobbes' lower jaw trembled.

"I wish Socrates would come back and fight with us. Gosh. We might starve to death without him."

Calvin sighed, and stood up from the chair.

"Ok, Hobbes. Let's go see if we can find the stupid cat."

All at once, Hobbes was jumping up and down. "REALLY?"

"Yeah." Calvin muttered. "And I'd like to point out, I'm doing this for you and you only! Now come on!We haven't a momentto spare!"

Calvin and Hobbes exploded out of the house, and started running towards the forest to launch a rescue mission for...

Calvin still couldn't believe he was doing this.

We'll be right back with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series.