Swing123: I'd like to thank Garfieldodie for helping me finish this story up. Otherwise, I'd still be working on it. Thanks, Garfieldodie.

Summary: Socrates tells the world how he first met Calvin and Hobbes
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series

Confessions of a Prank Loving Tiger

Oh, hi, there. My name's Socrates.

Well, I suppose you want me to tell you some story, right? Which explains why you're here.

Uh huh. I knew it.

Well, I dunno. I might not be in the mood.

And what's more, I'm a very busy tiger.

Do we have time for a story?

Oh what the heck, sure.

Let me see here. What would be a good story to start with?

I know! Alright, It all began in March of whatever year it was this happened.

My owner had won the lottery and had bought a mansion in whatever the name our town is.

The house was HUGE!

I even got my own bedroom.

The only problem, is that my owner wouldn't share any money with me.

Well, naturally, I was shocked and appalled, and... well, he agreed to give me a monthly allowance of two bucks.

Oh well, two bucks a month is better than a kick in the head, I suppose.

Most of my time was spent in my room, reading comic books and watching Direct TV.

Mostly though, I just sat on my bed, twiddling my fingers, and waiting for something to happen.

I hate to wait.

Most of your active minds do.

About a week after I had moved in, I was sleeping on my bed.

It appeared that I bored myself awake, because all at once, I was sitting up, rubbing sleep out of my eyes and yawning.

I looked around.

Same old room.

Ho hum.

I got up, stretched all four legs, and decided that if I couldn't find anything to do, I'd have to go on a walk.

My owner was at school, you see, so I didn't run into him on my way down the stairs, and out of the house.

It was a lovely day out. The birds were chirping, the grass was growing in the bright sunshine, and there was a warm breeze blowing through the air.

I walked out the yard gate, and started down the sidewalk.

Who knows? this might be fun. I hadn't met anyone in the neighborhood yet, so maybe I could strike it up with another tiger.

Did I mention that I love to prank?

Heh heh.

Yep, I do.

In fact, most of the boring hours I spent in my room were spent planning out pranks I could do to some of the kids on our block.

Anyway, I walked down the sidewalk, admiring the houses that looked like wood cabins compared to my house!

HA!

Anyway, I continued walking down the block.

Several people passed me, but never seemed to take much notice of me.

After a while, it was just me on the sidewalk.

Walking into town, I heard more voices.

I looked up and saw a small kid with a red T-shirt with stripes, black pants, red sneakers, and yellow spiky hair.

Walking with him was a tiger. Yes a tiger. About my size, walking on his hind legs like me, and the only difference was that he had black stripes running down his tail.

Have I ever mentioned my tail? Some kind of birth mark there, making me a practical freak of nature. You see, for some unknown reason, I have red stripes on my tail.

Yes I know, pretty weird, but I guess one can't choose how they look.

Well, actually, yes you can, with all that makeup and hair dye out, now. None of which I'm very big fans of. I never liked hair dye, and I'm allergic to makeup. Who wants to wear what they're allergic to? Not me. Besides I take pride in my red tail stripes. And anyone who makes fun of it will be hanging upside down from a rope for a week.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the boy and tiger were coming down the road.

Me and the tiger had been associating for several weeks now.

His name was Hobbes.

Hobbes was pretty cool, in my opinion, and here he came.

I had never seen the boy before.

Hobbes looked up.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Hello there!"

The boy started to hush him.

"Shut up, Hobbes, he could be a convicted murder."

Hobbes, pushed the boy out of the way.

"Calvin, he's a tiger."

"Yes, and tigers are man eaters!"

"That's preposterous!" Hobbes scoffed.

Calvin leaped in front of me and Hobbes.

"ALRIGHT BUCKO! I DUNNO WHO YOU ARE, OR WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUT WHATEVER YOU'RE FIENDISH PLOT IS, IT WON'T SUCCEED!"

I gave the boy a blank stare.

I decided to ignore him.

I turned my gaze to Hobbes.

"Howdy." I said. "Nice day, huh?"

Hobbes blinked.

"Uh, yes, very nice."

I held out my hand.

"Socrates the tiger. Please to make your acquaintance."

Hobbes shook my hand.

"My name's Hobbes. And this is Calvin."

"HOBBES!" Calvin yelled. "YOU'RE GIVING OUT VITAL INFORMATION TO THE STRANGER!"

Do you see what Hobbes and I were doing?

Tee hee.

Driving Calvin insane.

Heh, heh.

I could see that Calvin and I were going to get along just fine.

"So do you live here?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes, I do." I grinned. "I live in that old mansion on the other block."

Hobbes' eyes widened.

"You live in that mansion!" He yelled.

"Yep." I chuckled, studying my claws. "I have my own bedroom with a TV and comic book supply."

"HOBBES! HE'S BRAGGING! THAT'S A SIGN THAT HE'S A VICIOUS COLD BLOODED PREDATOR!"

Calvin began making choking sounds, and started limping around in circles behind me.

I tried to ignore him.

Besides, I knew the killer question that would just drive him insane.

Heh, heh, heh.

Watch this.

"So which house do you live in?"

Calvin swooned and keeled over backwards, and there he lay on the sidewalk, twitching and making weird noises with his tongue.

Hobbes was obviously enjoying this.

He had a wide grin on his face, and his eyes were sparkling.

"I live in the yellow house next to Main Street." He said.

Calvin held his throat, and started crawling around in circles.

I pressed on.

"You mean the yellow house next to the Dirkins?" I asked.

"That's the one."

"I see."

Calvin was now running around in circles screaming his head off, "DON'T TELL HIM ANY MORE! DON'T TELL HIM ANY MORE!"

Can you guess what Hobbes did then?

He told me more.

"We also do not Direct TV, there are monsters under our bed, our TV gets staticy on weekends on three o'clock, Calvin's mother is terrible cook, and we eat in front of the TV."

Ha, say this was fun!

Hobbes and I were getting to know each other, and at the same time, we were driving someone insane! That must be every tiger's dream!

Then, Hobbes, good old Hobbes, decided to move in for the kill.

"Would you like to come over to our house later today?"

"You mean when there's no parents are witnesses around?" I grinned.

"Yup."

Oh, that just killed Calvin.

He screamed, ran around in circles, banged his head against the fence, screamed, pushed downward on his cheeks making the red area under his eyes show, screamed, leaped around in circles, screamed, and screamed.

Hobbes and I shook hands. We had only known each other for two weeks and we had already known that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

One that will last a lifetime.

Or at least until Calvin kills me.

Hobbes gave me directions to our house, and Calvin hopped around in circles screaming that same meaningless phrase. Yeah, but. Yeah but. Yeah but.

"Alright, first you take a left on Main Street."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Then you'll reach a house with a fancy satellite dish,"

"Yeah, but...!"

"Our house is about four houses down from that."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Just be sure you're on the left side of the street."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Otherwise you'll end up at the Freeman's house,"

"Yeah, but...!"

"which is across the street from ours."

"Yeah, but...!"

I wrote all this down on a notepad.

When he finished, I tore the note off, and tucked it into my pocket.

Calvin was almost hysterical.

"WHAT IF HE'S A MURDERER! WHAT IF HE'S A WEREWOLF! WHAT IF HE'S A VAMPIRE! WHAT IF HE'S A ROBBER! WHAT IF HE'S A GOBLIN! WHAT IF HE'S A MIME!"

While Calvin continued to list off all the horrible things I could be, Hobbes and I shook hands and went our separate ways.

Heh, heh.

Even though I was walking farther away, I could still hear Calvin screaming.

"YOU MORON! YOU INVITED SOME STRANGE PUNK TO OUR HOUSE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S A TIGER! OF COURSE HE'S A TIGER! LIES! NOTHING BUT LIES! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT NOT ALL TIGERS ARE PERFECT WONDERS OF NATURE! WHAT! THAT'S ABSURD! WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF SURVIVAL! I DEMAND THAT YOU MARCH BACK OVER THERE, AND UNINVITE THAT TIGER! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN! NO, JUST BECAUSE HE LIVES IN A MANSION, DOESN'T MEAN HE'S PERFECT! WHAT! THAT'S AN INSULT!"

I kinda figured that I wouldn't need the directions.

Calvin would direct me there.

Later that day around threeish, I moseyed down Main Street, until I reached the house with the fancy dish.

I then made sure I was on the left side of the street, and continued to walk for another four houses.

Finally, I came to the yellow house Hobbes had told me about.

Hobbes seemed like a nice tiger, didn't he? Yes, I didn't usually run into tigers where I used to live.

Actually, I never ran into tigers where I used to live. Yes, I used to live in a fairly tigerless place.

So, yes, meeting Hobbes was quite an unique experience.

Too bad I was going to have to waste him! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Did Calvin hear that? I hope that he did.

Heh, heh, heh.

I love doing that to him.

I walked up to the door and knocked three times.

Immediately, the sound of screaming emitted from the door.

"WE DON'T WANT ANY!"

Well, I had only heard the voice for half a second, and I had already made up a profile for who was behind the door.

There was much pushing and shoving from behind the door. And screaming. There was a lot of screaming.

Soon, The door opened, and I saw this... this orange thing with a deranged red spiky topped thing attached to it. Screaming.

Hobbes kicked Calvin off, and turned to me.

"Hello, Socrates." he said. "Come in, come in. Our home is your home."

I grinned, and walked into the house.

"Hmm, nice place you have here." I observed.

"AND EVERYTHING UP THE STAIRS IS OFF LIMITS!" Calvin screamed "HURRY, HOBBES! UP THE STAIRS!"

Calvin scrambled up the stairs and dove into a door on the top floor.

Hey, that rhymes! Door. Floor.

Heh, heh. Maybe I could write a poem for my next story.

Well, Hobbes gave me the grand tour of the house.

It was a nice place.

The telephone could use updating, though. So could the TV. and the radio, and the computer operating system, and the cassette player, and the...

Come to think of it, everything in that house needed updating.

I mean, the washing machine even seemed obsolete.

When I asked Hobbes about this, he replied with, "Calvin's dad thinks that transportation should've stopped at the bicycle."

YIKES!

What a horrible fate to be living with someone like that!

Well, after the tour of the house, Calvin dared to peek out of his room.

He glared at me.

"SOCRATES, I'M ON TO YOU, YOU ORANGE HAIRBALL!"

He then turned a glare on Hobbes.

"HOBBES! YOU'RE SHOWING HIM THE HOUSE! HOW CAN YOU BE SO DUMB!"

And with that, he slammed the door.

SLAM!

He slammed it so hard, several pictures on the wall shook, and almost fell to the ground.

Hobbes and I stared at the door.

"So," I asked. "Is he always like this?"

"Only when company comes." Hobbes replied.

Uh huh.

I furrowed my brow, scowled, and rubbed my chin.

Well, now. I would just have to loosen him up a bit wouldn't I?

My brow still furrowed, a wide grin spread across my face.

Ha, ha, Ho, ho, hee, hee, ha, ha!

I had been saving this prank for just such an occasion!

You may be asking yourself, "How is Socrates going to prank Calvin into trusting him?"

Believe me, when my pranks are involved, anything is possible.

I told Hobbes about my plan.

He agreed to help me set it up.

I spent fifteen minutes preparing the trap.

You see, Once Calvin stepped on the rope, he would be flung into a tree. The net a placed in the tree would catch him, and he would bounce off, and start hurling toward a ten gallon bucket of water. When he landed in the water, the bucket would be knocked over, and he'd roll down the hill towards the creek. He'd fall into the creek, and the current, traveling at three miles per hour, would carry him four feet eastward, until the catapult I had set up in the water would fling him into his roof.

Whew! Hope I didn't forget anything.

How would this help him trust me, you may ask?

Heh, heh.

Before he reached the catapult, I would grab him out of the creek from a tree, and save him.

Pretty slick, huh?

Heh, heh.

Now that Hobbes and I had the trap set up, how were we going to get Calvin out of his room?

"I'll go get him." Hobbes said, running off.

Really?

Oh good, I thought I was going to have to carry him out here.

Hobbes went into the house.

There was a moment of silence.

Then, I heard the sounds of dynamite and bulldozers, alerting me that Calvin had exited his room.

How had Hobbes done that so quickly?

Ah well, didn't matter.

I had a kid to torture.

I mean save. Yeah, that's it. Save. Not... torture.

Hobbes came out, followed shortly by his royal highness.

Calvin came storming out the house, pumping his arms, and staring at me with a superior glare.

This was going to be good.

Calvin came marching over to me.

"Alright, cat!" He snarled. "I know what you're up to, and what you think you're up to! And if you think I'm stupid enough to fall for your little charade, then you are badly mistaken!"

He didn't see it.

Trust me.

Calvin came marching closer.

He was only inches away from the rope, yes, yes, when he...

What was he doing?

He made a full turn around, and marched for the garage.

What was the deal, here?

I had so cleverly set up this trap and he...

This wasn't fair. He was taking shortcuts and tricks and unfair advantages!

Had Hobbes told him what I was doing? Surely not. He wanted Calvin's insane screeching at me to stop too, so what the heck was that kid...

Oh.

Calvin came out of the garage carrying three masks, a bunch of flags, a volleyball, croquet equipment, baseball equipment, basketball equipment, football equipment, and other random things he could fit into his arms.

He came marching over to me, and dumped all of the stuff in front of me.

My eyes went from the gaming equipment to him, and back to the gaming equipment.

Uhhhh...

Had I missed something?

Calvin shoved a black mask into my face.

"You're playing Calvinball with me and Hobbes!"

"Calvinball?"

"I'm glad you asked."

Calvin spent the next few minutes discussing Calvinball with me.

Did I say the next few minutes?

I'm sorry.

It only took him two seconds to explain everything to me.

"You make the game up as you go, hurry up and put on the mask."

I took the mask and stared at it.

"Why do I have to wear a mask?" I asked.

Do you know what he said then?

"Sorry. No one is allowed to question the masks."

Oh brother.

Well, this was very strange.

Calvin had invited me to take part in this game I knew nothing about, and he hated me.

But that's not what bothered me.

What bothered me is that he didn't step on the rope.

Bummer.

Calvin marched out behind his house.

Hobbes and I watched.

Hobbes' eyes went from Calvin to me.

He blinked, and followed Calvin.

I cut my eyes from side to side.

For some reason... my plan wasn't working the way I had expected it to.

I rushed after Calvin and Hobbes.

What the heck, Maybe the game wont be all that bad.

Make it up as you go, huh.

Hmmm,

Well, I'll give it a shot.

I walked over to a field behind their house, where I saw Calvin and Hobbes both put on their masks on.

I put my mask on, and crossed my arms.

"Alright." Calvin said. "I have the Calvinball, so I'm temporally king of the Calvinfield."

Huh?

I watched as Hobbes attempted to get the ball away from Calvin, and Calvin would call out new rules, and tell on how Hobbes was in the corr... whatever zone.

This was making no sense.

Calvin suddenly jabbed a finger at me, and screamed, "SOCRATES! YOU'RE IN THE BACKWARDS AREA! YOU MUST RUN BACKWARDS UNTIL YOU REACH THE FORWARD PLACE!"

I stared into Calvin's masked face.

"What?"

"Do it, or you're disqualified."

"This game is ridiculous. There's no point!"

"Yes there is. You just said it. For discovering the true meaning to Calvinball you get to make a decree."

"A decree?"

"That's right, a decree. Hurry up."

"Hmmm," I rubbed my chin, and thought. "Very well. I decree that you must give me the Calvinball."

Calvin stared at me, and handed the Calvinball to me.

Hmmm, this was very interesting.

I grabbed the ball, and twirled it on my finger.

"You must now squawk like a parrot, and run around in circles, flapping your arms. Both of you."

"Wait a minute!" Calvin yelled, running forward. "You only get to make one decree!"

"Yeah, but I have the Calvinball." I grinned. "Since I have it, I get to make as many decrees as I want."

"Oops." Hobbes said.

"Oh no you don't!" Calvin yelled.

He ran into the house, and came out seconds later dragging a box with him.

Hobbes' eyes crossed.

Calvin heaved the box to a flag sticking out of the ground, threw the box on top, and pushed a button on top of it.

ZAP!

Calvin lifted the box and...

HUH!

The flag had vanished, and in its place was a skunk.

What the...

OK, what we had here was some kind of advanced changer thing.

What did he call it?

Oh yes, the Transmogrifier.

Calvin turned a worldly smile on me.

"HA! AND HA!" He yelled. "You can't make me do anything! Or I'll set rosebud here onto you!"

I stared at the skunk.

"Very well." He said. "New rule. If I can turn the skunk back into flag, then I get to make another decree."

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

Calvin shrugged.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever."

At this point, I can not reveal how I pranked the skunk back under the box.

You think the skunk sprayed me right? You think I was contaminated for weeks, right!

HA!

No way!

I got that sucker back under the box within three minutes. And once again, I can not reveal how.

I'll say only that it required lots of patience. Too little force, and he won't go into the box. Too much force and POW! I'd stink for weeks.

The point is that I got the skunk back under the box, and turned him back into a flag.

Calvin's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

He wasn't happy about me doing this.

Tee hee.

I studied the box.

It had a little switch on it that went from TRANSMOGRIFIER to DUPLICATOR to TIME MACHINE.

Heh heh.

I switched it to duplicator, and the box flipped over onto its side.

Calvin and Hobbes watched me.

I threw the flag in, and started pushing buttons with numbers on it.

2,354,58,323,485,425,763,465,723.

I just sat there, and pushed my paws into the buttons.

When I had a very large number, I hit the button, and a sound emitted from it.

BOINK!

Red flags exploded out of the duplicator.

BOOM!

Calvin and Hobbes ducked, and all of the flags flew into the forest.

I looked around, and blinked.

Then I grinned.

"I decree that you must go into the forest, and collect those flags! All extremely large number of them!"

Calvin and Hobbes stared at me, groaned, and shuffled into the forest.

Hee hee.

Calvin and Hobbes didn't get back to the house until later that night.

I was waiting on the doorstep, filing my nails, when they came up, dumped the flags into the duplicator, and pushed the undo button.

UN-BOINK!

Calvin came walking up to me.

I gave him a lazy grin.

"Hi. How ya doing today?"

He wiped the sweat from his brow, and, this was very strange, he gave me a silly grin.

"Good game, Socrates. That was one of the most fun games of Calvinball ever."

Uhhh...

He shoved a finger at me.

"But don't think I don't still not hate you, cat!"

I put the nail file away and stared at him.

"However." Calvin spat, crossing his arms. "Me and Hobbes had a talk, and I've decided to let you two become buddies."

I stared at him.

"Really?"

"Really. Tigers are rare, therefore, Hobbes is lucky to have one of his own around."

"Huh."

Calvin marched into the house, grumbling to himself.

I watched him go.

Well, what do you know?

Calvin had lightened up.

Now isn't that sweet?

I don't know what had gotten into him... but...

Suddenly, Hobbes came up.

"Hi Socrates. What Calvin say?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you." I muttered. "You wouldn't believe it."

"Did he say that tigers are rare, therefore, I'm is lucky to have one of my own around?"

I stared at him with thoughtful eyes.

"You set him up." I said.

"What makes you think that?"

"You did that so we'd be civil to each other."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Huh."

I grinned at him.

"You're almost as sneaky as me."

"Thanks."

"Your welcome."

At that very moment, there was a twang, and a rush of wind, and Hobbes found himself hanging upside down from a rope from a tree, swinging back and forth in the wind.

I grinned at him.

"Oops, sorry about that, Hobbo. Couldn't resist."

"HELP!" Hobbes yelled.

Heh, heh, heh.

Well, it took Hobbes fifteen minutes cutting the rope down, and getting down to the ground.

I chuckled, and dusted my hands together.

"I'd say this was a visit well done."

Hobbes picked himself up, and dusted himself off.

Then he glared at me.

"Don't ever do that, again."

"Righto."

I then told Hobbes goodnight, and left to go back home.

To my very impressive mansion.

And that's the story on how I introduced myself to cool cat named Hobbes. And a whiny little tornado named Calvin.

From that point on, I was great friends with Hobbes.

And great enemies with Calvin.

Who could what anything else!

Oh yes, by the way, Calvin eventually did step on that rope trap I set up.

Ha ha!

You should've have heard his screaming!

First he stepped on the rope.

There was a twang, and he went flying into a tree, screaming his head off.

The net caught him, and he bounced off. Still screaming his head off.

He landed in the ten gallon bucket of water, knocking it over, and he began rolling down the hill towards the creek. Screaming.

Then he fell into the creek, and he began streaming down to the south. Screaming bloody murder, and flapping his arms in all directions.

At this point I would've climbed into the tree, and saved him but...

Well, I already had his trust.

Sort of.

So, I, tee hee, watched with great interest as the catapult caught him, and sent him flying through the sky.

He looked like an I don't know what.

Like a flying squirrel. A screaming flying squirrel.

He crash landed onto his roof, and fell back to the ground.

It was very fun, watching this.

He screamed at me for several minutes, and I stood there, mapping out more pranks in my mind.

He doesn't seem to realize that the more he screams at me, the more time I have to think up of a new prank.

Tee hee.

Well, Calvin screamed and yelled at me, then stormed back into house, screaming his head off.

Heh heh.

Calvin and I were going to have a lot of fun together.

The End

Voice work:

Pamela Segal: Calvin

Tom Hanks: Hobbes

Ryan Stiles: Socrates

Coming up Next: Camping on a Deserted Rock is Fun!