Sorry about the wait. I wrote this chapter in 3 parts, which is why it took so long to post.
Thank you to: BestThingSinceCookies, LighteningLindy, EndOfRainbows, Rachel, Belle1220, USuckIRock27, ShoppingGal87, AbbeyAnnMD, BrathanFan.
I love you guys! Thanks for reviewing!
Chapter 6 – Beauty in the Breakdown
6A – Breakdown
"So…are you gonna go talk to her?"
George looked over at Izzie, who looked like a deer in headlights.
"George," she was shaking, "what do I say?"
"Something, anything. You work with her, you're kinda her friend, right?"
She was just looking into space.
"Sure. I guess."
"Listen, Iz, you can do this. Meredith is counting on you. Addison needs you."
Izzie took a deep breath and opened the car door.
"Thanks George," she got out of the car, "you're gonna wait here, right?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna call Mer and let her know we're here," he smiled at her.
Izzie walked away from the car towards Addison's room. She paused and then with a new-found resolve, she knocked on the door.
"Addison, are you there?"
- - - -
She re-awoke to the sound of a car nearby. Very nearby. She slid out of bed slowly and crept towards the window. She peeked out the window and jumped back. What were Izzie and O'Malley doing here? How had they even found her?
She hid back underneath the covers. Maybe they'd go away. Maybe they were at the motel for their own reasons. They reminded her of her and Derek as interns. Derek was so dorky back then. She was still gorgeous, of course. She smiled at the memory and then felt the familiar tug of pain on her heart.
How had everything gone so wrong?
She jumped when she heard the knock and Izzie's concerned voice. She was frozen in place. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't face them right now.
"Addison, please, let me in. I know that's your car. I just want to know if you're alright. Everyone is so worried."
Addison trusted the sincerity in her voice. Everyone is worried? She couldn't believe anyone in Seattle would have given it a second thought. Yet, Stevens was at her door, begging for an invitation in.
"Addison, I'm not leaving until I know you're alright. Let me in."
The demanding tone cause Addison to realize that there was no turning back. She was caught. She walked over to the door and cracked it open.
Izzie's eyes widened and her mouth dropped slightly. Addison always looked so put together, so amazing, so flawlessly perfect. But now, she was a mess. Her hair and clothes were crumpled. She had no makeup and her eyes were puffy from crying.
Addison walked away from the door and laid back down on the bed. Izzie followed her, closing the door and sitting on the edge of the bed looking at Addison.
Neither of them spoke for what seemed like an eternity. Izzie knew she was going to have to start. But how? What should she say?
"Mrs. McQuaid's test results came back. She seems to be ready for an early cesarean."
Addison looked at her, eyes filled with guilt.
"I'm sorry I abandoned you with my patients, it was irresponsible and unprofessional. I've never done that before."
Izzie smiled back at her, remembering George's earlier words.
"We live our entire lives on-call to others. Sometimes our sanity needs us to give it all up once in a while. And, if you've never done it before, you were overdue."
Addison smiled gratefully at her. This was easier than she thought it'd be. Then again, they were just dealing with each other as doctors. They weren't dealing with the polka-dancing Technicolor elephant in the room.
"So," Izzie began slowly, "how are you?"
Addison closed her eyes and her lip quivered.
"I don't know. I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I can't breathe. Maybe I just don't want to. I just…" she trailed off as she began to sob.
Izzie laid on the bed next to her and rubbed her arm.
"Hey," she started gently, "it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Just take deep breaths."
Addison complied and looked tearfully at Izzie.
"He doesn't love me anymore. I've been fooling myself. I messed everything up too badly."
"What happened last night," Izzie asked, confused.
"I told Derek that after he left New York, I…" she closed her eyes, dreading saying it again, "I stayed with Mark. I thought Derek was never going to forgive me. I guess I was right."
"Wow," Izzie felt overwhelmed by the whole situation, "he must have freaked."
"He told me it was over," her tears started falling again, "and he left. It's really over. I never truly had him back. And now I know it."
Izzie noticed that Addison was playing with her ring finger and realized Addison caught her staring.
"Seriously?"
"I signed the papers that I gave him before and left my rings. He's free now. He can be with Meredith. He can be happy again."
"What about you," Izzie couldn't believe how this strong woman was giving up.
"I don't know and I can't begin to care right now. I just need to stop hurting Derek."
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Izzie, in turn did the same.
"He's not thinking about that right now, I assure you."
Addison turned her head, looking confused.
"I don't follow."
"He's been going crazy trying to find you."
"Seriously," her face was shocked but her eyes were filled with hope.
"You've missed a lot in 24 hours."
"Catch me up," she rolled back over to face Izzie.
"Well, it started with Derek showing up at the house last night. But don't panic," she'd caught Addison's flinch, "Meredith wasn't even home. And when she got home they just talked. I know because she spent all day screaming at anyone who suggested otherwise. And she slapped George."
"What!"
"Yeah, they've got their own issues. But on top of all of that, Meredith has organized the Seattle division of your search party."
"The what," Addison choked, almost smiling and laughing.
"Yeah, Derek was so upset that, as I understand it from Meredith, he called Mark, who spent the whole day in the New York division of the search. Derek has been to every place in Seattle you've ever been and Meredith recruited us, me, George, Alex, and Cristina to call every hotel/motel in the city. We were going to pass the info along to Derek once we knew everything but when Meredith found you here, Derek was in surgery. Mark volunteered to come but Mer wouldn't let him. She called me and here I am."
Addison took a deep breath. It was too much to take in. Derek and Mark were both looking for her. Meredith was in charge of her search party. She had a search party.
"I can't believe this. I didn't think any of you liked me. You've spent your entire night looking for me. Why?"
"We do like you. You're my boss. You're one of us. The doctor's club. No one hates you. It's just weird."
"Cause I cheated on McDreamy and broke Meredith's heart?" she kind of pouted.
"No, well, maybe in the beginning. But you didn't hurt Meredith. Derek should have told her. And as for McSteamy-"
"Wait," she interrupted, her eyebrows shot up, "you named him McSteamy?"
"Yeah, mostly because once we saw you, we couldn't blame you," Izzie tried to make her smile.
It didn't work. A shadow passed over Addison's face.
"I'm not in love with him," she started to explain, "I never was. But he was Derek's friend and there were things about him that reminded me of Derek and he was always there for me. When the three of us went out and Derek got called away, as he always did, he told me to stay, have fun. Mark became my placeholder for Derek. He said all the right things, he held me when I cried. He took care of me when Derek left. I used him to not be alone. I used him to fill Derek's place in my heart. But he couldn't. No one can. I hate that I hurt him too. But that seems to be what I'm good at."
Izzie held her hand sympathetically.
"We all do stupid things."
"I can't believe the last 24 hours. What a nightmare. What do I do now?"
A knock interrupted their thoughts.
Addison froze. Izzie bit her bottom lip.
"Hey, it's George, let me in."
They both breathed a sigh of relief.
Izzie opened the door and he flew in. And went straight to the bathroom. Izzie and Addison looked at each other, and immediately burst out laughing.
They'd almost managed to contain themselves when he reemerged.
"Oh yeah, and Dr. Sheppard's surgery just ended. They're on their way."
Izzie's face paled and Addison threw the covers over her head.
George leaned back against the wall.
"Now what do we do?"
6B – Beauty
"Addison, come out, now"
"No, I'm not ready."
Izzie tapped her foot on the floor and looked over a George with a 'do something' glare.
"Um, Add-, Dr. Shep-, will you just come out! They're gonna be here soon."
Izzie's pager gave them all pause.
"Oh shoot."
Addison peeked out from under the covers.
"What?"
"It's Mrs. McQuaid," Izzie looked stunned, "the baby's in distress, Bailey just paged me."
Addison jumped out of bed and threw her shoes on.
"This is entirely my fault. I'm going with you."
"But, Dr. Sheppard's on his way."
"George, this is my patient. If I hadn't 'checked out' she'd have already given birth."
George and Izzie looked at each other. They knew there was nothing they could do to stop her.
"I'll drive," George volunteered.
They rushed out of the room in silence.
- - - - -
"We found her," Meredith announced to Alex as he exited the OR.
"Great, the mystery is solved," he replied.
"So did you warn them," Alex asked, exiting the OR.
"I called George," she replied, "He said Izzie has been in there with Addison since they got there. He's been in the car so he doesn't know anymore."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"What's Sloan been up to," he gestured to the guy sitting on the floor a few yards away.
"Pouting," she replied simply.
Derek walked out of the OR feeling relieved. His patient had made it. That relief faded when he saw Alex, Meredith and Mark waiting for him in the hallway. Looking at him.
"What," Derek questioned Meredith, "did you find her? Is she alright?"
Meredith looked nervous and glanced at Mark and Alex for a moment before she began.
"I found her and-"
"Where is she," he demanded.
"On her way here."
Dr. Bailey's sudden appearance caused everyone to turn.
"And before you start interrogating me Sheppard. I didn't find her. I paged Stevens, who was with her. One of her patients needs surgery. Now. Stevens is the intern on the case, so I paged her. Your wife decided she'd come back and do her job. And since she has a job to do, you, and I mean all of y'all, are gonna stay away. Don't jump on her when she walks in the door and don't stare at her from the gallery. Leave the poor woman alone!"
Derek was breathing heavy with a look of shock on his face. She was alright. She was coming back to work. She hadn't left Seattle. She was coming to the hospital. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was frozen in the hallway.
Mark, Meredith, and Alex just stood there, thinking similar thoughts. They didn't know what to do or where to go. Alex looked at Meredith, questioningly. She got his silent message and nodded. She walked over to Derek and grabbed his arm.
"Come on, let's go wait in the interns' waiting room."
Alex gestured to Mark that he should follow.
"Dr. Bailey," Meredith began, turning slightly.
"I'll page you when it's over."
Meredith gave her an attempted smile and continued walking Derek as close, yet as far from his wife as she could.
- - - -
Addison leaned over the scrub room sink. Luckily, the surgery went perfect. Mrs. McQuaid and her daughter were both going to be fine. She still couldn't shake the guilt that it was no thanks to her. She gasped as she went to grab her rings from the pin on her scrubs. They weren't there. And she didn't think they'd ever be again.
Izzie had been watching Addison pretty carefully. Yes, she'd been watching Dr. Sheppard during surgery. But she was much more concerned about Addison. She walked up behind her and put an arm around her shoulders. No one else was tall enough to do that, she thought and chuckled a little.
Addison looked over at her, part gratefully and part questioning.
"What's so funny?"
"We're both freakishly tall."
They both started cracking up. Bailey walked in and looked at them both like they were crazy.
"What the hell is wrong with you people?"
"You're short," Addison shot back, making her and Izzie's laughs turn to hysterics.
Bailey rolled her eyes.
"Does this mean you're feeling better?" she asked, sincerely.
"No," Addison replied soberly, looking at Izzie, "it means I have a good friend."
"I was happy to help," Izzie smiled back at her.
"So what are you gonna do now?" Bailey asked curiously, "because I promised that after the surgery I'd page Meredith. She's god-knows-where with Sheppard, Sloan, and Karev."
"I'm sure George is there too," Izzie added quietly.
Addison looked back into the OR, where everything made sense. There were no covers to hide from now. She had to stop running. She had to face the three people in the world she least wanted to see right now. She looked at Izzie and Miranda.
"Can you not page them," she asked Bailey.
"Addison, I-" Bailey started.
"Izzie, where are they," she interrupted.
"Probably where we always go, in the basement," Izzie responded, confused.
"Take me there," she said, looking at Miranda.
Izzie looked at them both. Miranda nodded. Addison looked back at Izzie.
"Ok," she responded, taking a deep breath, "follow me."
- - - -
"It should've been over by now."
Derek was pacing the darkened hallway. George, Alex, Meredith, and Mark all watched him.
"Man, you gotta chill out. You need to be relaxed when you see her."
Derek turned and for a second they thought he'd charge Mark.
"Don't you dare tell me what I should do or how I should feel."
"Okay I get that I screwed up," Mark looked up shaking his head, "but I'm here. I'm trying to help. I've been trying to help all day actually. I get that I've lost my best friend. You however, still have yours. I'm standing here Derek."
Derek turned to look out the window. He didn't know what to say. Yes, he appreciated Mark's help but things were different. He didn't feel he could lean on him as friend, not over this.
"Hey."
They all turned to the entrance, slightly disappointed at the sight of Cristina and Preston.
"What's going on? I heard Addison was performing surgery? Who found her? Why did no one call me?"
"I didn't want to wake you," Meredith explained, "Derek was in surgery. I sent Izzie and George. Bailey paged Izzie because of one of Addison's patients and when Izzie came, Addison came. Bailey's supposed to page us when the surgery is over."
Cristina and Burke looked at each other confused.
"The surgery was over when we came down here," Preston started.
"Sorry Grey," a voice came from behind them, "I asked Miranda not to page you since I was coming down here. I just had to change out of my scrubs first."
They were shocked to see Addison and Izzie standing behind Cristina and Burke.
Derek rushed over and stopped just short of her. He was looking her up and down. He couldn't believe his eyes. She'd never looked so frail to him before. He saw fear in her eyes. She quickly averted hers. She walked past him over to the gurneys and right up to Meredith.
"Thank you, for finding me," Addison began slowly, "I appreciate your concern."
Meredith's mouth was still hanging open at Addison's appearance and nodded slightly.
Mark walked over to her, speechless, looking directly into her eyes. She held his gaze.
"Thank you as well," she spoke softly with little emotion.
"I did what I could. Wrong city though. You'd better call Savy. She's worried. Sorry about that," he looked genuinely apologetic that he'd alerted to the biggest city in the world the state of her sanity.
She nodded, processing the enormity of the search. She still couldn't believe they cared so much.
"Yang, O'Malley, Karev, Stevens, Grey. Rounds."
Bailey's voice cut through the silence. The five of them looked at each other and slowly, one by one, decided to walk away. Stevens and Grey went last. Stevens had walked over to Addison and given her a small hug. Meredith gave her a supporting smile. Addison gave them a small smile and a nod back.
"Dr. Burke, do you not have patients," Bailey harped on him. Causing him to give a little bow to the remaining three and follow the interns away. Miranda paused looked at Derek with a protective glare.
"Good night, Miranda," Addison called, "thank you."
"Good luck Dr. Sheppard, and, it's morning now."
She walked away leaving Mark, Addison, and Derek alone together in the dark.
"Now what do we do," Mark asked leaning against the wall."
6C - Release
Mark, Derek, and Addison stood in the hallway, avoiding each other's eyes. Their silence was interrupted by Derek's pager. He silently cursed when he saw the message. He looked up to Addison and Mark, who were awaiting the news.
"I have to, um, a patient," he stammered.
"Go, it's alright," Addison affirmed.
He looked at her reluctantly.
"Will you still be here?" he questioned hopefully.
"I won't leave the hospital without telling you," she promised.
He stood there with hesitation in his eyes as he looked at them. He was loathed to leave her alone with Mark. But he knew he had to. He had to trust her; trust them. He forced a smile and walked away. He dreaded what would happen in his absence.
Mark watched Addison, who was staring at the spot Derek had been occupying. He studied her face. He couldn't read her. Her eyes were empty.
"How are you," he began, stuck in a moment of not knowing what else to say.
"Awful," her voice was soft, broken, "I don't know what to do."
"May I make a suggestion," he offered.
She looked into his eyes. She saw his hope, his hesitance, and his fear. She knew what she needed to tell him. She just wasn't sure she had the strength anymore.
"Mark-"
"Wait Addison," he took a deep breath, he had to say his peace, while he still had a chance.
"I'm in love with you Addison. You're strong, beautiful, and my life is better when you're in it. I loved watching you when you sleep. I loved being the first thing you saw when you opened those green eyes. I loved being able to run my fingers through your hair. I loved the feel of you in my arms. I would do anything to protect you. I loved seeing you at the end of a long day. I loved watching you from a distance. When you smile, I smile. I would put you before everything. I would never let a day pass where I didn't show you how much I love you. I want to be the one that you're with forever. I want you to come home with me Addison. Please, come back to New York. Come back to me."
She was slightly taken aback by his overwhelming show of emotion. She wasn't surprised; she knew everything he said was true. She was just washed away by the immensity of it all. The power behind his voice was sincere and loving. Very few women could have walked away from him.
"Mark," she started, taking his hand in hers, "you were there for me during the worst time in my life. I thought I was losing Derek to his work. I thought he was falling out of love with me. I thought he'd given up on our marriage. I was devastated. I was lonely and hurt. There were days I didn't know how I'd get through. I thought he was going to ask me for a divorce. You were always there for me. You held my hand to give me strength. You held me when I cried. And eventually I gave in to you. I needed so badly to be loved that I let you love me. But, Mark, I wasn't in love with you. I never stopped loving Derek. I never should've let you believe otherwise. I was so scared and you made me feel secure. I needed you. You helped me heal when he left. You took care of me. You helped me get back to being me. I can never tell you what that meant to me. I will always be grateful to you. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. For that, I do love you. I'm not in love with you though. Whether or not Derek and I make it, I can't end up with you. It isn't fair to you. You deserve more. I want you to have more."
Her eyes were brimming with tears. His were already falling. He looked at her, silently pleading that she'd take it all back.
"Just for the record though," she said through now-falling tears, "when you do find her, I'll be a little jealous.
He chuckled as her pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. She wrapped his arms around him and took one last deep breath of him.
"Can I still be your best friend?"
She smiled at him and pulled out of the hug.
"You'd better be."
He nodded and stepped back from her.
"I'm not surprised by any of it. I'm really not. I do hope you two work it out."
"Thank you," she was grateful for his graceful exit.
"Goodbye Addison," he kissed her on the cheek and walked away.
"Goodbye Mark," she whispered and sat on a gurney, wiping away her tears.
- - - -
Derek walked out of his patient's room and leaned against the wall; and smashed his head back into it.
"You know, that isn't smart, since you are the best head fixer around."
Derek turned towards Mark. He couldn't read the ambiguous expression on his face.
"Maybe Burke could fix the pieces of my heart that are scattered around the country."
Mark chuckled.
"I think there is someone even better. Someone who wants the job."
Derek looked at him, hopefully questioning.
"What'd she say to you?"
"None of your business Shep. I didn't come up here to talk about Addison. I came up to say goodbye."
"You're leaving?"
"New York is my home still."
Derek nodded.
"Mark," he started, quietly "I never, I mean."
"Anytime," he grinned, "like I said, I'm still your best friend. Use at your convenience."
"Yeah, next time, come for awhile. A real visit. Or, I'll come to New York."
Mark grinned, in his charming way. He extended his hand to Derek. When Derek took it, Mark pulled him into a hug.
"Don't let her go this time," he whispered.
Derek nodded, looking gratefully at his best friend.
Mark nodded back and without another word, or gesture, walked away.
"Thank you," Derek whispered after him.
- - - -
When he found her, she was still in the basement hallway. She was asleep on one of the gurneys. He smiled to himself. She was so beautiful. He walked over to her and brushed the hair off of her face.
She must be exhausted, he theorized. It had been such a long day, almost two days at this point. What he had put her through. He was ashamed of himself. He couldn't believe what it took to make him see her.
She stirred. Her eyes fluttered open and confusion crossed her face. She shot up looked around at her surroundings. Derek's arms were there to steady her.
"Hey, it's alright. You're okay."
"I'm sorry, I just put my head down for a second," her groggy voice was apologetic.
"You're exhausted," he remarked aloud, "you need to get some rest."
"My stuff is still at the motel, and my car."
He looked sad, thinking about where she'd been for the last day.
"We'll worry about that later. Let's go home," he suggested.
"Home," she questioned cautiously, "we need to talk Derek."
"And we will," he assured, kissing her head, "but you need rest. Let me take care of you. Then, you can say everything you need to. I'll say everything I need to. We'll go from there."
The optimistic tone in his voice cause a small smile to brighten her face, for a moment.
"What about your patients?"
"I told Richard I was taking a personal day. If someone needs an emergency surgery, I'll come back, but I'm in no condition to work. And I have more important duties to attend to."
He looked directly into her eyes. She was grateful. He pulled her off the gurney and into his arms.
"Come on Addie, let's go home."
It's not over now yet people.
Derek and Addison will talk. I decided she'd been through enough this chapter.
Well, let me know what you think!