"I'll drive you to the hospital." (Janeway & Kim)

Author's Note: This story takes place after the episode "The Disease".

/

"Mr. Kim, report!"

"Hmm? … Oh, sorry, Captain. Stand by."

Harry dragged himself out of a haze of memories. From the sharp edge of Captain Janeway's voice, he guessed that this wasn't the first time she'd given the order. He shook his head to clear it and squinted at the numbers on his console, struggling to concentrate as the nebula swirled in front of the viewscreen. He rattled off his measurements in a voice that was hoarse from lack of sleep.

It was only a Class Three nebula. He must have scanned dozens of them over the past five years. There was a time he could have done it in his sleep, but now the familiar readings only made him think of Tal, bright-eyed and smiling in the co-pilot's seat of the Delta Flyer, so excited over something he'd always taken for granted. She'd made the whole universe more beautiful for him when she was around. What beauty was there left without her?

"Ensign." He looked up. Janeway had risen from her chair and was walking up the steps to the Ops station, her expression stern. "In my ready room."

He shuffled after her, dreading another reprimand, even though he knew he probably deserved it. Being absent-minded on the bridge could have serious consequences - what if they encountered something more dangerous than a Class Three nebula? - and she had already warned him that she expected him to do his duty even with the Varro hormones still in his system. On the other hand, hadn't he been punished enough?

As soon as the ready room doors slid closed behind him, Janeway swung around, put her hands on her hips and focused on him with blue eyes sharper than any of Voyager's sensors. Instead of the contempt he was expecting, though, those eyes softened as soon as they got a close look at his face.

"You and the Doctor told me the symptoms would be subsiding by now."

"They are, sort of," he said. "It's just … been a lot at once and now it's catching up. The insomnia … I'll do better, though, I promise. No more spacing out on the bridge, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm worried about you, Harry." She put a hand on his arm and gestured for him to join her on the sofa. "Sit down. I think it's time I answered that question of yours."

"Um … what question, ma'am?" he asked as he sank into the stiff green cushions.

She settled down next to him and propped up her elbow on the back rest. "Would I take a hypospray to numb the pain of missing Mark?"

"I'm so sorry I said that." He blushed hotly and ducked his head at the memory of how he had shouted at her in this very room. "It was way out of line."

"It was," she said, "But I think it would do us both good if I told you. You see, Harry … my answer is no, I wouldn't, because it's not the same kind of pain. Mark and I never treated each other the way that woman treated you."

Harry would have felt very indignant at this if he had the courage or the energy. "Please, ma'am, Tal didn't do anything wrong," he croaked. "Everything we did was both our choice."

"She knew the risks. You didn't." Janeway's eyes narrowed to slivers of blue ice, not angry with him this time, but angry on his behalf, which was no less unnerving. "And then she left you like this."

"She's in the same condition. Besides, I never asked her to stay. I didn't think … " For the life of him, he couldn't keep the petulance out of his tone. "I didn't think you'd let her on board, Captain."

"I'm not heartless, Mr. Kim, whatever you may think." She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "She wouldn't have been the first troublemaker to join this crew. But she never offered, did she?"

Harry thought back to the moment he and Tal had said goodbye. Had she offered to stay? He couldn't remember. He remembered the taste of her lips, the soft silk of her auburn hair and the wistful look in her gray eyes. He remembered the hopes she'd had about the freedom that separating the Varro ship's segments had made possible. She'd been looking forward to studying a pair of binary stars that they'd passed by several parsecs away … in the opposite direction of Voyager's course.

She'd been free to choose him, but she hadn't.

Slowly, reluctantly, he shook his head.

"Real love puts the other person first," Janeway said softly. "That's not what she did."

"I didn't put Tal first either, though." He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and put his hands over his aching forehead. "I got so carried away with how good it felt, and … and how exciting it was to break the rules and stand up to you for once … that I didn't even think about how our connection would affect her. I know the regulations, I know they're there to protect us, I just didn't care. And I should have."

"You did in the end." Janeway smiled a little. "It was your idea to extend our shields to cover their ship. I think you made Mr. Jippeq think twice about his distrust of outsiders, not to mention preventing a lot of damage."

"I couldn't let her get hurt." Even though she and her fellow rebels had caused the damage in the first place, he added silently.

"But you're letting yourself get hurt now, aren't you?" She rubbed his back in her motherly way.

"Captain … "

"I know." She held up her other hand to block his argument. "You're doing it to honor your loss. I understand that, but it's not as if you'll forget her once you can sleep through the night and digest your food again. No one can stop you from missing her, but don't let that stop you from living. Would she want that?"

"No."

He didn't even have to think about his answer. Tal's irrepressible joy in life was what he loved about her most. She'd been excited about those binary stars even during their last goodbye. She'd want him to make the most of every day of his life as a scientist. Besides, if she was medicating her symptoms - she'd told him as much - surely she wouldn't mind if he did the same.

"Thank you, Captain," he said, lifting his head to meet Janeway's compassionate eyes. "For … everything. I know I've been a mess lately, but I do appreciate you taking time out for me like this."

"Anytime, Harry." She patted him on the back one more time before moving away. "I meant what I said, you know, about love. You deserve the very best, and I have every confidence you'll find it."

It would have been unprofessional to put his head in her lap and cry himself out, but he was very near it for a few moments. He sniffed, cleared his throat, blinked hard several times and stared out the viewport at the warping stars until his eyes cleared. He stood up and straightened his jacket. "I hope so."

"Well, keep hoping. And get to Sickbay, Ensign," said Janeway, putting a hand between his shoulder blades in a way that was half affectionate and half a push out the door. "That's an order."

He'd said the same words lately with such resentment, but today he meant them with wholehearted respect.

"Yes, ma'am."