"You're warm." (Janeway & Kes)

Author's Note: This story takes place during the episode "Sacred Ground".

/

"Mother?" Kes whispered. "You're warm."

She leaned her head on Kathryn's chest. In the blue-white light of the Nechani shrine, her face pale after several days in a coma, she looked as small and fragile as a child. But her eyes were open; she was speaking. She was alive. Neelix and Chakotay came closer, the silent joy on their faces reflecting Kathryn's own.

"Kes, it's me."

"Captain?"

Hearing her title again was something of a jolt. Her everyday life, which had seemed strangely far away as she went through this ritual. settled heavily back on her shoulders. "We should get you back to the Doctor," she said. "Captain to Voyager, four to beam directly to Sickbay."

The rough stone cave walls and white lights faded into the familiar blue-gray walls and metallic furniture of Sickbay. The Doctor hurried over as Kathryn slowly settled Kes on the nearest biobed. The younger woman smiled faintly up at her holographic mentor. He scanned her, once, twice, frowned at the results, and shook his head.

"I don't understand it," he said, giving the tricorder a little shake. "But you appear to be on your way to a full recovery. A day or so of rest and you'll be fine."

"Thank the Spirits!" Neelix breathed, taking Kes' hand gently between both of his. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so grateful you're alive. I never should have doubted them. We've been under the shade of the Guiding Tree all along. And thank you, Captain," he bowed his head in Kathryn's direction. "The risk you took … "

"What risk?" Kes asked, blinking up at them all in bewilderment. "What happened? I … I was looking at the shrine and … and next thing I knew, you were carrying me."

"The shrine produces a biogenic field that caused you to lose consciousness for three days," said the Doctor matter-of-factly. "For some unfathomable reason, the Captain took you back through the field, and instead of killing both of you, it restored you to full health."

"But how … " Kes murmured. "Why?"

"The Spirits told me to," said Kathryn.

It was the only answer she could give, even though she herself was perfectly aware of how ridiculous she sounded. She shrugged self-consciously under the scrutiny of four astonished pairs of eyes.

The Doctor snapped out of it first, picked up his tricorder and scowled at it, his programming and two and a half years' experience driving him to find the scientific explanation that must be there. Neelix only smiled and wiped away tears, too happy about Kes' recovery to question much of anything. Kes herself closed her eyes, her head falling sideways on the pillow, as if exhausted. As for Chakotay, something flickered in his dark eyes that made Kathryn suspect that the idea troubled him. He'd been against her going through the ritual from the start, which wasn't like him. She would have thought that he, of all people, would have understood.

"You spoke to them?" he asked quietly. "The Nechani ancestral spirits?"

"Well, I spoke to three elderly people who implied that they answer to that, although they seemed to think it was a silly name," said Kathryn. "Whoever they are, they're awfully perceptive. My ego's still sore from some of the things they told me, even though I needed to hear it. They wouldn't answer most of my questions. What they did tell me is that if I believed the shrine could save Kes, it would."

"Could they be any less specific?" grumbled the Doctor, rolling his eyes.

"Does it matter," Neelix retorted, "As long as Kes and the Captain are safe?"

The Doctor hummed in the back of his throat and shrugged, as if to say Fair enough, before withdrawing to his office to analyze the data he had gathered.

"I'm sorry, Captain." Chakotay's low voice broke the silence. "I shouldn't have tried to talk you out of it. I knew you had a path to walk, but I, um … I let my concerns as your First Officer get in the way."

He'd been worried because he cared about her; his formality couldn't hide it. If not for Kes and Neelix still within earshot, he might even have said so directly. Still, she knew him well enough by now to understand what he meant. She could only imagine the struggle between fear and faith he must have gone through on her behalf.

"Oh, Chakotay." Kathryn patted her friend on the arm. "I don't blame you. Believe me, if it was the other way around, I'd have argued 'til I was blue in the face before letting you go in there."

He cracked a small smile in return.

"Take care of yourself, Kes," he said, nodding to their young patient. "I'll be on the bridge."

"I will, Commander," she replied as he walked through the doors.

Kathryn was about to leave Kes and Neelix alone together and retreat to the ready room - she had a lot to think about - when the younger woman stretched out her free hand and said, "Captain?"

"Yes?"

"Can I talk to you?" She glanced up apologetically at her partner. "In private?"

"Sure. If you'll excuse us, Mr. Neelix?"

"Oh. Yes, of course." Neelix pulled out a blanket from the nightstand and tucked it over Kes, pulling it right up to her chin. "If you need anything, dearest, I'll just be a commbadge away."

"I know," said Kes. "I'll be alright."

He smoothed the blanket, kissed her on the forehead and tore himself away with visible reluctance, actually walking backwards until he bumped into the doorframe. As soon as he was gone, Kes let out a sigh, pushed away the blanket and pulled herself up to a sitting position. Kathryn had misgivings about their relationship, but this wasn't the time or place to bring that up, and in any case, it was none of her business. If those three old folks were here, they would no doubt tease her for finding something to worry about even at a time like this, when Kes was so miraculously alive and well.

"I just wanted to ask you … "

"Yes?"

"How could you do it?" Kes burst out suddenly, with a crack in her usually tranquil voice that made Kathryn's own throat ache. "How could you risk your life for me like that, without a shred of proof? You could have been killed!"

An officer was not supposed to speak this way to the captain, but Kes was no officer, and at the moment, Kathryn felt very unlike a captain. This was the girl who had run to her for comfort during her Elogium, who had grown from a frightened refugee to a confident medic and botanist on her watch. There were no barriers of rank between them, and in fact Kathryn was grateful to be confronted like this; she wouldn't do that unless she cared.

"I don't understand it myself," she said. "All I know is I couldn't let you go without a fight. You're a member of my crew, Kes."

"I know … " A brief smile flickered over the Ocampa's face, but it soon faded. She shook her head. "But if it was me, I couldn't have done it," she added bitterly. "I don't see how any of us could ever trust an energy-being again after what they've done to us."

"The Nacene, you mean?"

"Yes." Kes' hands formed into fists among the folds of the blanket. "They were frauds. I thought the Nechani spirits must be as well."

For a moment, Kathryn was as startled by Kes' cynicism as their shipmates had been by Kathryn's own act of faith, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. The Nacene calling himself the Caretaker had destroyed the Ocampa homeworld, and his attempt to make up for it had left them helpless and forgetful of their heritage. He'd dragged countless people away from their homes, including this crew, and experimented on them against their will. His former mate had tried to destroy Voyager outright; Kes herself had defeated her. For Kathryn, those experiences had been hurtful enough, but these were the gods Kes had been taught to worship since childhood. No wonder she was angry.

"Is that why you went up to the shrine? You were trying to … to see behind the curtain?"

"To expose them, yes." Kes sighed. "That must be why they knocked me out. From what you said, it sounds like doubt is something they can't tolerate."

"Maybe … but I don't think they mind so much that you doubted them." Kathryn thought of those three grandparents with their well-worn robes and twinkling eyes; their sense of humor, she thought, was far too healthy to be upset by the skepticism of one young mortal. It was Kathryn's own insecurities - clinging to her "little devices", demanding tests to prove herself, faking sincerity when she just wanted to get it over with - that had brought out their most acerbic side. "Are you sure it wasn't because you doubt yourself?"

Kes' face flushed. Her mouth tightened. She drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them, curling up on the bed like a snail into its shell. She avoided Kathryn's eyes, and for a moment, the older woman worried that she'd gone too far, but when she looked up, her eyes were shining.

"People think I'm a sweet little girl who can do no wrong," she said. "Even Neelix still thinks that. He has no idea what goes on in my head. I burned all the plants in Aeroponics to death once, I nearly killed Tuvok, and I enjoyed it. He forgave me, but I still have nightmares. Tanis told me someday I'll evolve to a point where the rest of you will seem like animals to me, and I can see it happening. I'm no better than the Nacene, I'm worse, because I'm still one of you. It frightens me, but so does staying the same. Oh, Captain … " Her face crumpled. "I don't know what to do."

So she'd been carrying this around with her the whole time, while she was treating patients and listening to other people's problems and being the gentle, compassionate person all their shipmates needed her to be. Kathryn knew about the things Kes had done under Tanis' influence already, but she hadn't wanted to force her young friend's confidence before she was ready. This was a year ago; from an Ocampa perspective, that must be an awfully long time.

Potential goddess or not, Kathryn gathered Kes into her arms and rubbed her back like a mother with a sick child.

"We all have power that can be used for harm," she said over the top of her friend's golden head. "I have, as captain, and I struggle with that all the time. I know it's different, I know I don't understand, but you can still talk to me. I'll be here for you as long as I possibly can."

"I know." The tension in Kes' small frame finally relaxed. "If I believe in anything right now, Captain, it's you."

You shouldn't, was Kathryn's first instinctive reply, but she shut it down. Kes didn't mean the same kind of belief the Caretaker had demanded, or even the Nechani; both women were only mortal and could make mistakes, and they knew that perfectly well. Still, belief in a fellow mortal was something you could hold on to when you had nothing else left, and if you lost that, there was still the hope of finding someone else.

"Thank you," said Kes, "For saving me."

"I think it may have been the other way around," said Kathryn. "But you're welcome."