""You're not a monster," I said. But I lied. What I really wanted to say was that a monster is not such a terrible thing to be. From the Latin root monstrum, a divine messenger of catastrophe, then adapted by the Old French to mean an animal of myriad origins: centaur, griffin, satyr. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once." — Ocean Vuong, from On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous.
Warnings for mentions of suicide.
The thoughts around Itachi's words don't leave his swirling mind, but Shisui won't be cruel enough to convince Itachi to leave Konoha with him even as the clan meetings reach a familiar ferocity and his comrades in the ANBU become replaced with strangers that walk and talk like mechanical objects. He already knows that Itachi will choose his brother's safety over everything and everyone, and that is something he had accepted when he interwove himself into Itachi's life with purposeful steps. Objectively, Shisui knows he's important to Itachi and knows Itachi has shown sides to him that no one else gets to see, but he recognizes the sheer limitless weight of Itachi's love towards his brother is something that Shisui can't have. Can never have. It's something Shisui needs to be okay with if he continues being around Itachi, regardless of his feelings on the matter.
This knowledge doesn't always stop him from the anger that burrows deep into his bones at the thoughts circling his mind at night. It doesn't stop him from looking at Sasuke and thinking Things would be so much easier if… as Sasuke runs just a little too close to the edge of the Naka cliffs, right before the overwhelming guilt slaps Shisui into sweeping him away.
He isn't that person anymore, Shisui reminds himself as his hands curl into fists, the sharp nails biting into his skin with a stab of pain. He refuses to be a pawn to anyone else's greed, even if that greed is his own.
Shisui's thoughts prod at his mind as he escorts Sasuke from the academy to the compound, eyes flickering over a small figure on a lone swing set.
His great aunt used to see him frowning and playfully call out, "Shisui-chan, stop scowling! Don't you know that the worst thing an Uchiha can do is think?"
Now, he wonders if it was a warning in disguise.
"The Uchiha are planning to use the jinchuriki to impose a coup, Hokage-sama," Shisui says, the lie shaping his tongue like a hot brand. Nausea in his stomach threatens to climb high as the words twist and stumble, letting the comforting visage of Itachi next to him fuel his confidence in front of the Hokage and his counsel.
Danzo slams his cane into the wood below. "I knew it!" He vehemently declares. "I knew that the Uchiha were—!"
"It was not the Uchiha who came to this decision, Shimura-sama," Shisui hastily interrupts. "There are a limited number of instigators involved in this. If you deal with them, then the rest of our issues will disappear."
The Hokage looks at him solemnly and shifts his eyes to the silent form beside Shisui. "Is this true, Itachi-kun?"
"Yes, Hokage-sama," Itachi simply says, the words confidently rushing out. "I became involved with the process after my last mission. I felt it prudent to come to Shisui-san for confirmation and then to you for the matter."
"You were wise to do so. This is a serious matter indeed," Sarutobi tiredly huffs out. The Hokage suddenly stands up from his seat, making his way to the kneeled forms of Shisui and Itachi.
Shisui tenses as the older man comes closer, unsure of what he would do.
"Itachi-kun, Shisui-kun," He begins, voice gruff from the smoke. "I will have to ask a favor from you both."
Shisui looks up from his spot to peer into the brown eyes of his leader.
"I will need your testimony in order to eliminate the threat quickly," Sarutobi says. "We cannot allow one more second of possible harm to come to Naruto-kun."
Shisui swallows. There is no choice within the statement.
"Yes, Hokage-sama," He mutters, and bows his head.
"By order of the Hokage, I hereby sentence you to death on charges of treason towards the state and for the attempt of performing forbidden jutsu. Evidence includes seized documentation and multiple eyewitness accounts. You will be given the choice of seppuku or beheading…"
Messy is the only word that sticks in Shisui's head as he witnesses Fugaku, Daisuke, and five other officials in the Uchiha clan kill themselves, the executioner droning on the speech for each of them without preamble. The dirt sinks from their blood.
Itachi stands like a statue by his side, clan emblem feeling simultaneously like a brand and a defensive wall upon his back as the rest of their clan looks on, eyes dark and wide. Shisui knows if it weren't for the situation, most of those stares would be spinning red.
Most likely in their direction.
He keeps his eyes focused on the scene before him, vehemently not letting his gaze stray to the small forms of his younger cousins, some of which he had babysat not even a week ago.
This is probably the first time Sasuke has ever seen death, his mind treacherously supplies. Shisui carefully does not look in Itachi's direction.
And then, it all finishes.
There's no flourishing end, no sound to suggest anything had transpired except for the crinkling of a scroll being rolled up. A few of the shrine workers step out to collect the bodies, their geta silent on the dirt.
Itachi doesn't say anything, leaving his eyes set on Sasuke's retreating figure whose back is defensively pressed up against Mikoto's hand. None of the other clan members look at them as they drift off from the site of bloodshed one by one, steps jerking one way or another as they meander off the road back to the Uchiha compound. He can't even catch the eye of his mother or father, their bowed heads hanging low as they slowly traverse back home.
Back to where Shisui and Itachi can never return.
"Things will be fine now, Itachi," He says, clapping a hand on Itachi's shoulder. The words ring hollow, fear and shame trickling out from the undercurrent of attempted neutrality.
Itachi shakes it off, heading out into the path of the woods with purposeful steps. And for a moment, Shisui fears he has lost his place in Itachi's home as well.
But he leaves his feelings to the red ground below, gathering up the thoughts of his mind as his steps lead him to his main confidant — the Naka.
There was something resembling relief that coursed through Shisui's veins when he publicly testified in the Hokage's office, drafting his account alongside Itachi. This will fix everything, he thought, desperately writing the words out. This will minimize casualties while maximizing everyone's safety.
Shisui has always thought of himself as the older of the two, had always thought of himself as more mature than Itachi — someone who could always be relied on for anything. Someone who could make good decisions.
Shisui bits his lips. Now, however? He has the horrible, guttural feeling of failure and nativity of the highest order.
Twenty-one, Itachi had gritted out those few days ago. I made it to twenty-one.
And as Shisui looks at the fading figure of the person he trusts most in the world, he can't help but wonder if he still is the older of the two.
And then everything goes to shit when the greedy fucker Danzo still goes after his eyes.
Shisui is huffing, standing over the Naka river in a familiar spot, trying not to break out into hysterics. This time, there is no Itachi. This time, there is no clan. Even if Shisui managed to get away from dozens of highly trained ANBU members and a batshit advisor to the Hokage, there would only be the short life of a missing in. And for what? For Danzo to keep stealing their bloodline? To keep the whispers and barred entries to current Uchiha, still angry and scared? For Itachi to go through this alone?
Well, Shisui thinks, There's always Plan Number One.
And activates shinshuin right before his body meets the waiting arms of the Naka River.
He swims out to the bank of the river under the outpost of Konohagakure's wall. Years of ANBU patrols have led Shisui to quietly exploit and hide the little gap in security.
He pulls himself out of the Naka River, simultaneously cursing and blessing its existence as water drips down his body. Gasping for breath, Shisui starts to make the signs for summoning before a familiar hand gently stops his wrist.
Shisui looks up at Itachi with tired exasperation. He doesn't even have the energy to be surprised anymore.
"Well, that went tits up," Shisui says, stating the obvious, "Did Danzo go after you, too?"
"His... associates came for me right after we left the gates for the mission," Itachi answers, pausing on the word associates. Saying the phrase 'probably brainwashed orphans soldiers' took up too much time, in Shisui's opinion.
Shisui sighs, trying to unsuccessfully wring out the excess water in his clothes."I should have pressured the Hokage to do something with him—"
"It's not your fault, Shisui." Itachi cuts him off, "I should have installed more defensive procedures—"
Shisui scoffs. "Defensive procedures against Danzo? Against every ROOT member? You might have felt more powerful when you were older, Itachi, but the fact is that our chakra and reflexes don't get transferred after we come back. We can't handle something as delicate as that." Itachi purses his lips, but doesn't argue.
Shisui cracks his neck and gives a tired grin. "But I've always wanted to try out a life of crime. So when do we—"
Itachi pulls back, shaking his head. Shisui frowns before realization sets in.
"Sasuke, huh." The statement is resigned.
Itachi doesn't look at him, staring at the ground and then back towards the direction of Konoha. "I can't leave him, Shisui. Not again."
Shisui pushes down the frustration and anger and sadness and says, "Go."
Itachi disappears.
He doesn't notice the ash at first, spending his precious time covering tracks and setting false trails. It blends in with the summer pollen until Shisui activates his sharingan, the new details contrasting vividly within his vision as Shisui frowns.
A familiar crow circles behind and Shisui quickly signals to her, letting Itachi know his location as he settles behind a thick tree trunk. A few minutes pass before Itachi literally stumbles through, gripping the edges of bark like a drunkard, his body armour singed and blackened with thick crusts adorning it in spots.
Shisui doesn't hesitate to get closer to him, hugging Itachi's body as he almost trips on a wayward branch before gently laying him down on the thin grass.
"Shisui- They—" Itachi tries to say, voice horse from chakra exertion or emotion, "They did it without me—"
"You don't have to say anymore, Itachi," Shisui grimly promises, stroking Itachi's hair. He pauses to flicker his tired eyes to the barely-noticeable horizon of black flames peeking over the treetops. "I know. I'm sorry." He sighs, feeling the weight of the world on his chest. "Looks like we need to go after Danzo first," Shisui states, grimly resigned. Itachi's frown becomes deeper.
"Leave that job to me." He says, killing intent slowly leaking out and wrapping his thin body like a thick, protective blanket. He takes out his katana, queuing Shisui to take out his tanto.
Maybe this will be the last time, Shisui hopefully, desperately thinks.
And then plunges the blade into his heart.
For the first time, Shisui wakes up peacefully.
Crickets and birds chirp in the distance as a tree, small by Konoha standards, drifts in a breeze Shisui can't feel.
In fact, he can't feel much of anything, Shisui hazily thinks. The moss under his bare feet is soft and wet, but the sensations are dulled, given as information like words on a page rather than experienced sensations. It would have been alarming if he could even feel his own emotions.
"I apologize for disrupting your journey," A voice behind him says. Shisui whirls around, his white yukata flapping at the sudden movement. "I figured we were overdue for another meeting."
Shisui's eyes widen as they take in the figure sitting on the bank of a steady river. What little Shisui can make of their skin glows under the moon, the rest covered in dense, colorful fabric that is layered so thick that Shisui wonders if it would be possible to even attempt to move in them. They aren't looking at Shisui, head turned and covered by a layer of overgrown raven hair that spills onto their feet.
"I don't know you," Shisui states, confused. The annoying calm still shifts inside his bones, keeping his body loose as his mind shouts Danger! Danger!
"Of course you know me," She (he? they?) simply says, voice barely moving as she continues glancing at the river washing over her pale feet. "You may not be my devotee, but the loyalty you possess towards my favored has not gone unnoticed."
And as she slowly, deliberately lifts the oppressive genjutsu, Shisui knows who this is with a mental slap.
He gasps, eyes fluttering in shock as she slowly turns her head towards him, a thin smile painted on her bare face as her skin gleams off of the reflection of the river. More striking than that, however, is the black pitch of the deity's eyes, no sclera to be found. It catches the light surrounding them, twinkling beams confirming the absence of an iris.
Shisui scrambles to bow to Tsukuyomi, bare head touching the soft moss as his limbs tremble with- with-
Fuck.
"Stand. You are already mine," She says. The tone in her voice is amused.
Shisui barely makes his way upwards, shaking like a spare leaf in the wind. He doesn't dare to look at her again, not for any fear over her abilities, but due to the deep, unsettling void permeating her eyes like the feathers of his crows. Instead of the oppressive drudgery her genjutsu afflicted, he now feels everything with incredible sharpness, the sensations threatening to overwhelm him with their details. It was like the sharingan was activated tenfold over all of his senses.
The dew slowly cascades down his hands from the moss, agonizingly slow; the sharp, cold wind whispers to the back of his bare neck with the knowing feeling of her dark gaze on his head. The silence, calm and unhurried, threatens to swallow him if he so much as breaths incorrectly.
"Why have you called me here, Honorable Tsukiyomi-sama?" He manages to push out, the question leaving his lungs in one quiet breath. The thoughts of deities only originated in half-formed measures in the back of his mind while growing up. Never had he thought to meet one in this life or the next. Now, after having it shoved in his face and eyes and mind, he would much prefer to go back to ignorance.
"We have decided to offer you a boon," She says, voice soft and lulling, as if waiting for his question and finding it satisfactory. "It does not come without repayment."
The words have a finality to them, as if the contract had already been written and signed. Shisui has the horrible mental image of a loan shark grinning at him with sharpened teeth as he takes his hand off the dotted line, ink laid across the page like a damning accusation.
"What type of boon?" He asks, wary of her answer.
She laughs then, a gentle, tinkering sound laden with false pretenses and mirth. It makes his skin crawl.
"I love your clan, Uchiha Shisui," She says. The statement is shocking enough to pull Shisui's stare away from the ground. "That is my boon. Your clan is a necessary strength to keep my siblings together — I would hate to see it shattered until the extinction of all occurs."
Shisui's form keeps trembling now, but not out of guilt or fear, but anger, deep and rotten and vengeful at the careless words.
"If you cared about the Uchiha that much, then you wouldn't have let them fall so far!" He accuses, fists curled to his sides.
Tsukuyomi quirks a delicate eyebrow. "Your anger amuses me for now, but take of how you speak."
Shisui's mouth snaps shut with a click, eyes wary, internal chakra refusing to move faster than the gentle flow of calm the place projects.
The deity moves her lidded stare past him, staring out into the water on her right. "You only think of the cruelty of death because you believe it is the ending of all things. I will not allow what I hold dear to extinguish until I wish it so. We have given that love to the Uchiha, to you, so that you may continue to live, and to suffer, and to experience joy, and then suffer again, and then to die." At this, she plunges her hand into the river, pulling out a katana. "The Uchiha will not die after Itachi-chan's lack of choices. There are those who will prosper in his place. Whatever else you may choose to do before and after are your own."
Shisui stares at her, trying to parse out the frustrating language. "What does Itachi have to do with this?"
She quietly exhales, an amused smile hanging from her face as she begins to guide herself through a form of kenjutsu katas. Shisui watches, mesmerized at the fluid, unfamiliar movements. "I make his decisions in the same way your parents made the decision to give you your hair, also a courtesy of my brother," She says, flickering her eyes at his curls. "I give gifts. Opportunities. Probabilities. What you do with them is your reality," She sighs, a low, drawn-out pitch. "There is no pleasure in foresighted programmation." The words are tinged with sadness.
Shisui grips at the last words. "You didn't give me my foreknowledge?" He asks.
She gives another thin smile, the black of her eyes giving nothing away. "Only you give yourself knowledge, Shisui-chan. Wisdom is much more expensive."
Shisui's mind flutters through ideas, trying to find meaning in her words. The tongue in his mouth turns leaden as a horrible question seeps into his mind.
"Will I remember any of this?"
She opens her jaws and grins with her mouth wide, making Shisui's blood run cold as his eyes look on in horror at the decaying bones in her mouth, teeth stained yellow and brown and red like the autumn trees.
"You will choose to open your mind to us when the sun, the moon, and the sea are given to our children and blink out from your eyes," She cryptically says, smile still set in a horrible parody of mirth. "Give my best to Mikoto-chan, when you do."
Shisui wakes up screaming.
It's a bright, sunny morning when Shisui meets Itachi for another first time.
"Hey," He says, joining Itachi on the cliffside, tiny legs swinging over the water rushing below.
"You should grow your hair out more, I think it'd suit you," Shisui continues, gaze purposely staring into the distance as Itachi flinches. Almost imperceptibly, the younger boy's breathing picks up.
"Shisui," At the crack in Itachi's voice, Shisui turns to properly face him. The tears in his eyes exhibit a poetic parody of the sparkling water below. "Why are you here with me?" He pleads, and Shisui's heart breaks at the sound.
"Because we need to fix things," He replies, leaning forward to stare into the water below. He doesn't notice the sound of grinding teeth next to him. "Because something has gone terribly, horribly wrong with this village and our clan and we need to—"
"Shut the fuck up!" Itachi roars, body leaping up to loom over Shisui's shocked form, sharingan blazing. There's no killing intent, so he forces his body to stay still.
"Shut up about the clan and the village! Shut up about what we're supposed to do! I did what I was supposed to do since I was born with the curse of the gods on my eyes and the blessing of my parents on my blade!" Itachi pants, trying to catch his breath, "And what do I get for it?" He gestures widely at their surroundings.
Shisui sits there, gobsmacked. "Itachi—"
"So I'll ask again!" He begins. Shisui has never seen him like this before — face red, disheveled hair, scowling lines paving the way for tears. "Why. Are. You. Here?" He leans in closer, his voice turning into a low snarl.
"All you did," Itachi punctuates this with a finger to Shisui's chest. It hurts more than Shisui thought it would, "Is kill yourself and leave me to deal with the mess. You," His voice rising again, "Left! You told me you would be there for me and then you left me and then I became the monster! This is my divine punishment from the gods, so why are you here with me? I know you're not like all of the others, you've made that abundantly clear. I've been looking, and we are the only ones self-aware in this genjutsu." Itachi keeps his glare on Shisui, who can only blink at the barrage of words thrown into his face.
"Itachi…" Shisui starts, voice hesitant, "I haven't found any evidence that we're in a genjutsu. Seriously, what are you—"
"Isn't it clear to you? I'm serving my time in Jigoku." Itachi cuts off, voice frustrated. He suddenly laughs, loud and mirthless. "Of course, the punishment would be staying here for all the cycles! Of course!" He doesn't stop laughing, hands clutching his sides and body rolling dangerously close to the edge.
"Itachi, this doesn't have to be a curse!" Shisui wills himself to believe, ramping up his voice as though loudness would convey confidence, "Maybe- maybe this is simply another chance to get things right! Think of most of the mistakes we've had — they're gone now. It's meant to bless us, we just need to find the right action to appease this situation and then we can live on as—"
"I have always known myself to be a liar of the highest caliber, but it seems you have surpassed me even in that area," Itachi cuts him off. Shisui sucks in a breath.
"What do you want to do then?" Shisui asks, biting down his temper.
Itachi looks at him. "The future progresses when we die. If we kill ourselves right now, my brother will live without me and then—" Itachi abruptly stops. Shisui waits for him to continue, but he doesn't.
"Why are you so sure about that?" Shisui asks, afraid of the answer.
Itachi brings his knees to his body, small hands circling his legs close. The lines under his eyes are dark and deep. "I have memories without you."
Unbidden, Shisui's mind thinks back to the cloud of chaos and blurry figures surrounding the first few deaths of his early childhood. Shisui just stares at Itachi in mute horror, bile threatening to rise up from his stomach.
"He can live without me, but not now. Not now," Itachi says, voice quiet. "I can't let him go. I can't."
"Then we'll make this world the best we can for him," Shisui forces out, trying to gain back some ground.
Itachi somehow manages to huddle deeper into himself. "I can't do anything right, Shisui."
Shisui carefully, gently, extends an arm to Itachi's shoulder. "Then it's a good thing you're not here alone."
Itachi takes a moment to look out at the scenery and sighs, head slowly leaning to caress the skin of Shisui's hand in quiet secession. It doesn't feel like a victory.
Notes: Sorry if it seems a bit rushed, I have to move the plot along to not make it twice as long!
Jigoku is a type of Japanese Buddhist belief where "A being is born into [jigoku] as a direct result of its accumulated actions (karma) and resides there for a finite period of time until that karma has achieved its full result. After its karma is used up, it will be reborn in one of the higher worlds as the result of karma that had not yet ripened." You can think of it a little like the modern version of hell.
See you in two weeks :)
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