Chapter 12
Just raise your head up and stand up, no fear in your eyes.
Tell me love and hope never die.
So raise your head up and stand up, no reason to cry.
'Cause your heart and soul will survive.
"Love and Hope", Ozomatli
Calleigh stepped back and took a good look at her handiwork. When she'd realized the other day that there were no Christmas decorations at Tim's house whatsoever, she'd ducked out and retrieved her little Christmas tree and a box of ornaments from her apartment without telling anyone. The lack of decorations didn't seem to be bothering any of the Speedles, but she couldn't imagine having Christmas morning without even a token tree.
Tim's family had left for Midnight Mass around 10:30, since no one was sure how well attended the service would be and they wanted to be sure of getting a seat. Tim had gone to bed shortly thereafter, and Calleigh had slipped out to her car and brought in the tree. She'd spent the last hour putting it together and decorating it. Now she flipped the switch and turned out the lamp. The colored lights twinkled gently in the darkened living room and the ornaments shone. "Perfect," she said to herself, with a contented sigh. She turned the lights back on in order to clean up the boxes. An idea struck her, and she went into the breezeway where she knew Tim had stashed his Christmas presents. She got the box down from the shelf, and brought it into the living room to place the presents under the tree. She got her own box of presents from the coat closet and added them to the pile. "Now it feels like Christmas," she said, turning off the lamp again. She thought the lights would be a nice greeting for Tim's family when they returned from church, so she left them on. Now she just had to hope the cats wouldn't get too curious about the tree. She'd put it on top of the speakers on a shelf, and she'd never actually seen any of the cats up there, so she hoped it would be safe enough. They hadn't seemed terribly interested in it while she'd been putting it up, anyway.
She yawned and stretched, ready for bed. Tim was asleep when she crawled into bed next to him and she closed her eyes, ready for sleep. She'd just about drifted off when she heard a rustling next to her and felt him touch her shoulder.
"Calleigh? Are you asleep?" Tim whispered.
"Not entirely," she said, sleepily. "You been dreamin'?" He hadn't had a nightmare that she knew about in days, but it was bound to happen.
"No," he said. "No, I just…there's something I have to tell you."
"Right now?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said. She rolled over and looked at him. He was sitting against the headboard with his knees drawn up. He hadn't turned on the light, so she couldn't see his face clearly, but there was obviously something bothering him.
"Ok," she sighed, and sat up. "What's up?"
"I don't…you're going to think this is crazy, and it may be, a little, but I swear to you, it's real. Well, as real as anything is, and I don't know if I know what that means anymore, exactly, but I think I'm supposed to tell you this. The more I think about it, the more I think I am supposed to tell you," he said.
"Whoa, wait a second, Tim," she said, blinking at him. "Slow down. What are you saying?"
"You can't tell me I'm crazy," he said.
"Okay," she said, slowly.
"I mean, I didn't tell Andy about this, exactly, but he says I'm not crazy, so I'm really not, you know?" he said in a rush. "I just…sometimes things seem real to me that might not to someone else."
"Does Andy know about that?" she asked, becoming somewhat concerned.
"Yeah. He thinks it's just how my head decided to process things. I don't know if that's it, or if it's actually real. I don't think I like it, though," he admitted.
"I'm not sure I like it too much, either," Calleigh said. "But go on. I won't tell you you're crazy."
"Ok, it's like this," he said, taking a deep breath. "When I was sick, or maybe when I was in surgery, I don't remember, or I maybe never knew, but anyway, when I wasn't…myself, I saw Eric."
Calleigh raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I was sitting there, and Eric was sitting there and he was talking to me," Tim said. She watched him start tracing circles on his knee with his finger as he talked. "I know it sounds strange and all, but I swear this really happened. Eric said I might not remember it all, and I don't think I do, but he said it was real, and well, he seemed like he'd know. And I don't think this is something my head would just make up."
"Okay," she said, slowly. "What did he say to you?"
"He said…he said that it was all going to be ok. That he understood now, you know, what happened to me, and knew why, I don't know, why I'm how I am. We'd talked about that, before things happened, you see. And I couldn't tell him, anymore than I could tell you, yet. But he said, that unless I trusted you and H and Alexx, I wasn't going to make it. That it was going to be something that could…really hurt me. And that it was time to stop fighting and do what you all had been saying, and just tell the story. You know, what happened with Jason and all that," he said. She could tell he was frowning, even though she couldn't quite see his face.
"Right," she said, softly.
"But then…then he said that everything was all right. That it happened the way it did because it was supposed to. And that he'd…he'd had his hope of heaven and now it was true for him. And that he wasn't lost out there, and I wouldn't be, either. That we're none of us lost in the end. And that's the part I think I'm supposed to tell you. That he's ok, and it's all going to be ok. He's not lost, and we won't be either, when we get there," Tim said, slowly, raising his head to look at her. The clouds had shifted, letting some moonlight into the room. She could just barely make out his expression and it was pleading with her to believe him.
His words and his expression slammed into her like a weight. She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath, but it caught on a sob. Why did he have to…why did Eric… She couldn't even make coherent thoughts anymore. The next thing she knew, she was crying, and Tim was holding her hand. "Shh, it's ok," he whispered.
The tears came anyway, but this time they didn't leave her feeling raw. For the first time since September, she actually felt better as she cried. "I'm…I'm ok," she said, squeezing his hand. "I just didn't…I didn't expect that."
"I'm sorry, maybe…" he said.
"No, don't be. You're right, I think you were supposed to tell me that," she said, wiping at her face.
"You don't think I'm crazy?" he whispered.
"No," she said, shaking her head.
"It was real, then," he whispered again, and she could see his eyes widen in the dim light.
"I don't know," she admitted. "I do know that you were…somewhere else, at first. It might be real. I think," she said, slowly. "I think that if you think it was real, then it was."
His hands tightened around hers. "I don't know what real is, exactly."
"That's ok," she said. "I don't think anyone does, when you think about it."
"Ok," he said, softly.
"It does explain a lot," she said, shifting around to sit next to him against the headboard.
"How's that?" he asked.
"We kept just waiting for you to react to Eric's death. And you didn't, you just wouldn't. It was a bit scary, and we were afraid you'd just buried it so far down that it couldn't surface. And we knew that wasn't good for you. But there wasn't really anything we could do about it- you were just too fragile. But you'd already reacted to it, and we just didn't know it, did we?" she asked.
"I think so, yes," he said. "It never…it hurt so much and then it didn't, hardly at all. Not that, anyway. The rest of it still did, but Eric being gone didn't hurt as much as the rest of it," he explained.
"At first, when you were so sick, you would just wake up and burst into tears," Calleigh said. "It was heartbreaking. You were so sick and so disoriented. And then when you finally came back to us, you were just so blank."
He nodded. "That's right. I think…yes," he said.
"I have to say, that's a bit of a relief," she said. "I just…you buried Jason so well, I just didn't want you to do the same with Eric."
"No," he said, shaking his head. "It's not like that."
"Good," she said, leaning her head against his shoulder. "I'm glad."
"I'm sorry I put you though all this," he said.
"I'm not sorry I was here for you," she said. "And I'm glad you told me. It…might be the best Christmas gift, to know somehow that Eric's ok. Somehow, anyway. Even if it's not quite real."
"Good," he said. "I thought it might help."
"It did," she said, squeezing his hand. "It really does."
"That's good," he said, yawning. "He would want that, I think."
"Yes," she agreed. "He would want it to help. He'd want you to get better and he'd want everything to be good for us."
"I know," Tim said. "I'm trying."
"You are. You are trying so very hard," she said, softly. "And you're going to make it. You told us the secret, now. You trusted us."
"Yeah," Tim said. She could tell he was getting drowsy again.
"Come on, now," she said. "Put your head back down," she said, sliding down to rest her head on her pillow. He followed suit. "Better close your eyes and go to sleep. Santa can't come if you're awake," she teased, gently.
"Did your parents tell you that too?" he asked, sleepily.
"Oh, yes. Every year. Time to go to bed if you want Santa to come," she giggled. "Even after we had pretty well figured out that Santa wasn't real."
"But maybe he is," Tim replied.
She giggled again. "Maybe he is at that," she agreed. "In that case, we'd really better go to sleep."
"Mmm," he said, starting to drift off. "Night, then."
"Good night, Tim. Sweet dreams," she said, softly.
"You too," he said. She heard his breathing even out and closed her own eyes to anticipate the morning.