April 28, 2006
Dear Journal,
So yesterday was a day off of school, obviously, or I wouldn't have been able to spend all day thinking about Peter. It turned out that it WAS him calling on the phone but I felt like being a brat so I turned down the call. I instantly regretted it.
Today I had to go back to school, which was just what I needed – the torment of seeing Peter in the halls all day long as well as rapid-fire questions from my confused friends who can't understand why we even broke up in the first place.
Finally at the end of the school day, Peter approached me and begged for my forgiveness. It was just what I'd expected of him, as you'll remember me saying in a previous entry. He does it anytime we get into any sort of disagreement. Once again I'll grace you with the dialogue from our conversation…
P: "Hey, Ruthie…we need to talk."
R: "Why?"
P: "You know why. I don't understand what happened between us."
R: "Look, Peter, I meant everything I said yesterday on the phone."
P: "You seriously feel like you have to do EVERYTHING?"
R: "Yes, of course! Peter, I don't think you care about me as much as you think you do."
P: "Excuse me?"
R: "You don't! I'm not sure what exactly the problem is, but this isn't working."
P: "So that's it, then? Almost five years down the toilet."
R: "No, Peter. There were a few fun times. And we can still hang out."
P: "I'd rather not."
And then Peter made a dramatic exit. I hate dramatic exits. I hate them almost as much as diaries. It's stomping off in an emotional way with a hurt glance over the shoulder and a feeling of triumph, even though you're just running away from your problems. Running away makes you feel like you're in control, but you're really not. I know, because I felt like a total moron after hanging up on Peter yesterday and then refusing to take his call.
So that's it. Peter and I are no longer dating. And I don't feel any better about it than I did yesterday. But I think I made the right decision. A one-person relationship like that can't list forever. And maybe, on the occasion that we would get back together one day, Peter would have more appreciation for me. At least I hope so.
Why am I still writing? Could this diary be the REAL problem here?
Ruthie Camden
April 29, 2006
Dear Journal,
I talked to Martin today. He was shocked to hear that Peter and I had broken up. I don't even know why I told him, actually. I'm wondering if maybe I was, without realizing it, trying to throw it out there so that he knew that I was single.
Anyway, so his beautiful girlfriend and his baby boy are doing great. They're thinking of becoming a real family now A.K.A. Martin and Sandy getting married. Now I feel even dumber for breaking up with Peter. I gambled him away and now I have no one. I'd rather have a dull boyfriend like him than no boyfriend at all. I guess I didn't break up with him JUST because of Martin, but I still feel kind of low.
Simon mentioned at dinner that he and Cecilia are considering getting married too, just as I'd predicted. It's actually kind of ironic, seeing how I just officially ended mine and Peter's relationship today, and everyone else's relationships are fantastic. But anyway, judging by the way my parents reacted when Simon told them; he's probably going to go through with it. I feel sorry for him; he's got so much pressure on him now that he told Mom and Dad. Okay, OKAY! So it's kind of amusing, but I still SORT of feel sorry for him…
But mostly I feel sorry for myself. Martin and Sandy thinking about tying the knot means that I can kiss my dreams of ever being Martin's girlfriend good-bye. I know he doesn't really love Sandy, but like I said, they've got to think of Aaron. Oh, yeah…I feel sorry for Aaron, too. He's kind of in a sticky situation right now, even though he's just a baby. If things don't work out with Sandy and Martin (which you know that I'm secretly hoping they won't) things will be pretty bad for him. But I could be a good stepmother to him; I know that I could…
Sometimes I shock myself with how pathetic and selfish I can be – putting my needs before Aaron's and Sandy's and Martin's, and getting irritated with Simon just because things are going good for him. But that's what these silly diaries encourage, isn't it? A waterfall of feelings, some of which you wouldn't be feeling otherwise; a place to rant and rave about stupid things that you have no control over and to create problems out of nothing.
I hate diaries, I absolutely hate them. I hope that I don't get in one of those writing moods and write tomorrow. I want to end this – seriously.
Hopefully I'll be over you by tomorrow!
Ruthie Camden