May 2, 2006

Dear Journal,

I didn't get to talk to Martin today. Naturally, I was worried about him all through school and all through the bus ride home. But he wasn't answering his home phone or his cell phone, so I'm even more worried about him now. I hope that he's okay.

Of course, I didn't get to talk to the person that I most wanted to talk to. But I got to talk to the person I least wanted to talk to. It was actually a fairly short conversation, though.

R: Hello, Peter.

P: Do you have Caller ID?

R: On my cell phone, I do.

P: So I'm still worthy of having my name in your cell phone?

R: Sure. Why not?

P: Well, that makes me feel good.

R: Good.

P: So, I just called to tell you that I'm going out with Frieda Allen tomorrow night.

R: And this is something I need to know…because?

P: If things work out with her, then we can be friends again.

R: Why can't we be friends now?

P: Because I need a girlfriend first, then we won't feel pressured to get together again.

R: Huh?

P: Just trust me.

R: Peter, you make no sense.

P: You'll see how much easier it is once Frieda and I start going steady.

R: Okay, well, bye!

P: Wait…

R: Good-bye, Peter.

P: Are you jealous?

R: GOOD-BYE!

P: Whatever, bye.

Sometimes I wonder if beneath that blond, spiky hair, there is actually a brain. Or maybe it is just a big hollow space in his head. And little spiders crawl into his ears and build webs inside of it. And then they lay eggs. And then the big hollow space fills up. And then he gets sick. And then he sneezes. And then spiders spray out of his ears! It's his deep, dark secret…

Ruthie Camden

May 3, 2006

Dear Journal,

I just looked back and re-read that "spiders" thing. Sometimes I wonder if Peter isn't the only one with a big hollow space in their head. Wait…I know I'm smarter than Peter. So maybe I have at least a little pea-sized brain… my spiders use it as a trampoline. Oh, great…here I go again…

I still can't get a hold of Martin. I'm getting REALLY concerned now. He shouldn't be this busy. Part of me doubts that he even IS busy. I'm hoping that he's not curled up in some corner, wallowing in his sorrows. I might bring some food or something over to him, just to have an excuse to check on him. I also hope that he's eating well.

Simon went out with Cecilia again this evening. They're probably going to talk about the same wedding-related things over and over like they have for the past few days. Eavesdropping on their phone calls has become unbearably boring because of that. First Simon has to reassure Cecilia that her wedding dress won't be cheap and dingy, then they talk about if they really do want to get married for half an hour, then Cecilia starts worrying about her dress again, then she worries about picking bridesmaids, which gets Simon worked up about picking groomsmen, and then they start back at the dress and go through the list again. I fell asleep with the phone in my hand last night, listening in.

Peter's going out with Frieda tonight, too. Honestly, I don't think their relationship will last. Frieda is just as needy as Peter, if not more. She reminds me of Cecilia when she's fussing over her wedding dress. Simon reassures her and reassures her and yet she STILL worries. Well if Frieda is upset about something, good luck, because she's the exact same way – except she's not getting married. She's needy ALL the time.

But then, I guess she would always be worried about whether or not Peter found her "acceptable". And then she would do everything plus more for him. And needy Peter would enjoy that I-want-to-spoil-you attitude very much, because that's what he always expected of me. So maybe my first thought was wrong. Maybe they really ARE perfect for each other.

And yet, when I think about Peter seeing someone else, it still bothers me. I guess that I still consider him to be "mine". Picturing him with another girl makes me feel really lonely. But I know that as soon as I can get in touch with Martin that feeling of loneliness will fade and be replaced with a little spark of hope…that maybe, somehow, we could be together.

Ruthie Camden-Brewer

(I'm sorry. I had to do it. But doesn't it look nice? Ruthie Camden-Brewer…)

May 3, 2006

Dear Journal,

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Can you guess what it is? If you guessed 3, you're correct. 3 are how many days have passed since I have talked to Martin.

I saw Peter in the hallway at school today. I half expected Frieda to be with him, but she wasn't. We talked for a little while. This is basically how I remember it…

P: Hey, Ruthie!

R: Oh, hi, Peter.

P: I just wanted to let you know that Frieda and I had a fabulous time last night.

R: 'Fabulous'?

P: Frieda says 'fabulous' a lot. I guess it's kind of rubbed off on me.

R: Oh. So does that mean that we're friends again?

P: Actually…no.

R: No?

P: Well, Ruthie…I don't know…I mean…

R: Peter, I've known you since I was twelve. 'I don't know' isn't going to cut it.

P: Um…

R: Out with it. I can handle it.

P: Frieda is kind of possessive. She'd freak out if she saw us together.

R: Even now?

P: Yeah, I should probably get going.

R: What about your mom? Will she be jealous of your mom?

P: Ha, ha…how witty.

R: Well I'm just saying.

P: I've really got to go. I'll talk to you later, Ruthie.

R: Talk to me later? What about Frieda? Wouldn't that enrage her?

Peter just smiled a little half-smile and walked off. And strangely enough, it cut like a knife when he basically implied that we wouldn't be seeing much of each other anymore. I REALLY need to talk to Martin. I need to talk to a nice, caring, handsome guy and be reminded of the good decision I made when I broke up with Peter in the first place. And actually, I just remembered that I never did hang up on Peter. He hung up on ME. What a jerk! I guess I just haven't been thinking straight lately…at all.

Breaking up with Peter, Simon and Cecilia thinking about getting married, Martin and Sandy breaking up…it's all just too much for me to take. I actually almost put the box of cereal in the fridge today, that's how distracted I was! I can hardly think straight right now as I'm writing this.

Oh, Mom said the phone's for me. I didn't here it ring. Go figure. Wait, she looks upset…she's wondering why I'm writing and not answering…this must be serious. Oh, she says it's Martin!

Ruthie Camden