May 5, 2006

Dear Journal,

I don't know where to start, I swear I don't. I guess maybe at my phone conversation with Martin yesterday evening. That should pretty much explain my confusion and uncertainty.

R: Hello?

M: Hi, Ruth. It's Martin.

R: Hey! I've been trying to get a hold of you –

M: Aaron's not mine.

(A long silence followed that confession.)

R: Huh?

M: Ruth, Sandy and I had a blood test done a few days ago. Aaron's not mine.

R: W-what? You mean…he's not…

M: He's not mine.

R: But he…and…you're serious?

M: Yeah…

R: Oh, Martin. Are you alright? Do you want to come over? I'm…I'm so sorry.

M: I'm okay, but that's why I haven't been answering the phone.

R: Have you been eating? Are you getting enough rest?

M: Well…

R: When was the last time you ate!

M: I had a granola bar.

R: When?

M: Yesterday morning.

R: MARTIN!

M: I haven't been hungry.

R: What about sleep?

M: I slept last night…sort of.

R: Come over. My mom will fix you something to eat and you can tell us everything.

M: Okay, I guess. Bye, Ruth.

R: See you in a few minutes.

There have been so many things happening in my life these past few weeks. But out of everything, hearing Martin's sullen, pained voice when he told me that Aaron didn't belong to him…that stung the worst. Because I know how much he loved Aaron.

Over a huge dinner that Mom prepared (since Martin was half-starved) Martin told us about the blood test.

He said that the day before, he and Sandy were having another huge fight, and she revealed that she wasn't positive that Aaron was his to begin with. Martin said that he was totally taken off guard and he insisted that they get a blood test the very next day.

He told us that they drew some of his blood and some of Aaron's and took it to a lab in the back room to see if they were related. He said that in those few minutes before the doctor returned, he loved Sandy and Aaron more than he ever had before. He said that the realization that Aaron might not be his made him realize how much he cared about the 4-month-old baby, and how badly he didn't want to lose him. And he said that Sandy's hands started shaking and she started crying. And for the last few seconds before the doctor opened the door and came back into the small office, he put his arm around Sandy and they both just sat there, holding Aaron.

Then he said the doctor returned and told them that none of Martin's blood was in Aaron. He said that he started crying along with Sandy. And then Aaron started crying, even though he didn't really understand.

My Mom and Dad and I just sat there, feeling so sorry for Martin. Finally he sighed and started twirling his spoon around in his soup bowl. I took that as an opportunity to speak up.

"You know…you and Sandy don't HAVE to split up."

Looking back on it, I can't believe that those kind, caring words came from someone who has been so selfish lately. All I wanted was for Martin and Sandy to break up, but now all I want is for Martin and Sandy to be together, which is kind of annoying, because it seems like whatever I want, I get the opposite.

"No, Ruth. Sandy and I went to a restaurant afterwards and grabbed a booth in the back, where we just cried and cried. We just sat there talking about how terrible this was until she said something…something that I hadn't expected her to say. I told her that I wanted to stay together, that I loved her and Aaron. And she said, 'No, Martin. You're quite a bit younger than I am, you know. My parents and sister will take care of me and Aaron. But you're only nineteen. You're a great baseball player. You've got so much going for you. You don't need to be tied down with a family, at least not yet. And honestly, I want to find Aaron's real dad. I would never make you do his job. I'm sorry, Martin. But I just couldn't do that to you. Aaron's not yours.' It cut like a knife, but I could tell by the look on her face that she was serious, and that she wasn't going to budge. So we promised to be on good terms, and I said good-bye to Aaron…"

Then he began to cry, right there at the table. And he said, "It was a nightmare. I've just been lying on the couch all week, blaming myself for everything I said to Sandy. If I hadn't started that argument, maybe we'd all still be together."

But once again, I surprised myself with what I said. It's like it came out automatically. Maybe it was God, I'm not really sure.

"Martin, it was only a matter of time before she told you. You can't blame yourself for everything, either. Besides, as much as you loved her at the appointment and at the restaurant, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

Martin took a deep breath and shook his head. Then (much to my relief) he ate his dinner, and went home to go to bed.

I still just can't believe it, though. I don't think that anyone can. It's just too much of a shock right now.

When Simon and Cecilia got home from their date, I told them everything. Cecilia was crying. She loves Simon, but she still cares about Martin in a "just friends" sort of way.

I wish that Peter and I could be "just friends". For some reason, I really want to tell him about what's happened. I know that he would understand.

So…I talked to Martin again today. He's still pretty glum, and I am too. I just wish there was something I could do for him.

Ruthie Camden