Chapter Thirteen
Dean awoke from his nightmare and shook noticeably from his ordeal. He couldn't believe how narrowly they had again avoided disaster. He still felt the horror from seeing his dad die. The reality was his dad had been saved, but that evil being had indelibly imprinted the image of Dad dying into his mind. His heart knew it wasn't true, but he still felt the loss down to the depths of his soul.
He had finally been left alone. He had seen the last soul he had a connection with die a violent death before his eyes. The emptiness had overtaken him and deposited his vacant soul into that vast, black abyss. This evil being was dead and it was none too soon, but his legacy lived on in the terror Dean still felt. Sam was by his side, concern showing on his face. Thank God, Sammy had been spared this torment.
"Dean, are you OK? What happened? Is it over?"
"Yeah Sammy, it's over. Dad and Jim will be back soon. They're both OK." Dean choked just trying to get the words out.
"Dean tell me what happened. What did you see?"
Dean was barely able to breathe let alone share his feelings with his brother.
"Sam, I can't."
Sam knew from the look in Dean's eyes he would never speak of this. He realized his brother had been released from the fires of hell and would never share his memory of it. Sam took off the amulet and handed it back to his brother. Dean cradled the charm in his trembling hand for a moment before he again placed it around his neck. He felt somewhat embarrassed, but he just needed the comfort of it for a little while. He knew he no longer needed it, but it made his heart beat a little easier.
John and Jim quickly made it back to the spare room to free the brothers. John grabbed and embraced both his sons and seemed to not want to release them. That was so uncommon for him. While Sam knew Dad must love them, he had never experienced any demonstrative display of it that he could recall. Whatever happened out there must have shaken him to his core.
Dean was relieved to see Dad alive and unharmed, yet the vision of his dad killing himself still hung on in his memory, haunting him and causing a nagging anxiety.
John took Dean aside and inquired how he was doing.
"Dad, I'm alright now that the evil son of a bitch is dead." Dean bravely stated.
He didn't want his dad to know the extent of his anguish and he couldn't stand to see his dad look on him with disappointment again. He had struggled to regain his dad's respect after the vampire incident. He didn't want his dad to think less of him for feeling as vulnerable as he now did. A part of him felt if he projected an aura of confidence then somehow it would make it so.
"Dean, I can't possibly know what you went through with these nightmares, but I do know a small part from having that evil possess my mind. I'm sorry you had to endure that. I wish I could erase it all."
"I know Dad. But it's over. Let's just forget it."
Dean was grateful his secret was safe. Dad and Sam had not discovered the truth of his nightmare and how much he saw the night Mom died. He took comfort in protecting his family, yet that left him alone with his burden. He asked no one to share his pain. His brother and dad were safe with him, but still he was alone. Alone with his pain.
Pastor Jim left after some brief words with John. John poured himself a drink to celebrate their victory and sat in his chair writing in his journal as his boys headed to bed. He prayed Dean would have a peaceful night's sleep and all his dreams would be pleasant.
Early the next morning John called out to his boys to rise and shine. He told them to put on their Sunday best because the Winchester men were going to church.
"Going to church? Dad, have you been possessed by the body snatchers?" Dean joked incredulously.
"Dean, get dressed. We're going. It won't kill you to show a little respect at church."
"But why Dad?"
"Your mom always wanted you to be raised in the church. I haven't honored that but we can go this one Sunday."
Dean acted really put out by this turn of events while Sammy seemed pleased to be going to church. He had never been to church and he looked forward to the experience.
"You know Dad, if the roof caves in then Pastor Jim will know who to blame." Dean countered.
"Dean, if the roof caves in then you'll be excused from the service. Now, stop complaining and get ready. That's an order."
"Yes sir." Dean's posture and attitude immediately changed as the debate abruptly stopped.
John and his boys got dressed in their finest and headed out the door. They arrived at the church ten minutes before the service started. Pastor Jim was standing at the front door greeting his parishioners. He grinned as John and his boys arrived.
"Well, John, boys, I'm pleased to see you here. I hope you enjoy my service."
"Boys, why don't you go get seats. I'll be right in." John stood by Jim and watched as his sons entered the church and headed down the aisle.
"So glad you decided to take me up on my invitation." Jim smiled victoriously.
"Jim, I hate to say it but how could I refuse your kind offer. Does the term blackmail ring a bell?"
"John, I'm offended. You asked how you could ever repay me for saving your life and saving your son. I just invited you to church."
John smiled a resigned all-knowing smile.
"Well Jim, you finally succeeded in getting me to church but I wouldn't count on a repeat performance. Somehow I think this is a one shot deal."
"Then I better make the best of it. I've prepared a special sermon with you and your boys in mind."
They both turned and entered the church, and then Pastor Jim headed to the front to give his sermon while John took his seat next to his sons.
Pastor Jim's sermon covered the fight between good and evil and how every man has a role to play. How one man can make a difference even when faced with insurmountable obstacles and how everyone needed to wage their own battle against evil and defend the less fortunate. He related times when a simple act of courage turned the tide in the war on evil.
He ended his sermon with the story of the footprints in the sand. How even when you feel alone God is always with you. That in your most desperate times, when you look in the sand and only see one set of footprints, it is not because God has forsaken you. It is because God is carrying you until you are able to proceed on your own.
Dean felt Pastor Jim looking at him as he finished his sermon and he didn't appreciate the special attention. He wasn't happy about being forced to attend church and he certainly didn't buy what the Pastor was selling.
After the sermon John took Sam out to the cemetery to visit June's grave while Dean waited, leaning against the hood of the Impala. Pastor Jim approached him and tried to strike up a conversation. While Dean was normally friendly with Pastor Jim, he seemed distant today.
"What's wrong Dean. You don't look very happy." Pastor Jim inquired.
"Why did Dad force us to come here today? Did you have something to do with it?"
"I invited you to come. I thought you might enjoy the sermon. I thought you might find comfort in knowing you are not alone in your fight against evil. God is with you."
"Stow it Pastor Jim. That's just a fairytale people tell themselves so they can face the world."
"Dean, you don't believe in God?"
"Pastor Jim, if God exists, where is he? I sure haven't seen him. I've seen all kinds of demons and evil beings. I know evil exists. Where's the good? I haven't seen any angels, any benevolent beings saving people."
"Dean, God works in mysterious ways. We don't always see or understand his hand in our lives."
"Yeah, well I'm not big on believing just cause a book says I should. I need proof."
"There have been miracles, visions, unexplained occurrences."
"Well, none I've seen."
"Dean, do you blame God for not saving your mom?" Jim pointedly asked, watching for the young man's reaction.
" What?" Dean was startled and his eyes betrayed his hurt and how close the Pastor had come to the truth.
Dean hesitated, his mind racing as he pondered his response. He felt unbridled rage at the Pastor's question. How dare he? How could he possibly understand his feelings? Why would he even ask such a question? He decided he would not give the Pastor the satisfaction. He calmed his emotions before he answered.
"How can I blame something that doesn't exist?" Dean stated with steely determination.
"Dean, how can you have so much anger at something that doesn't exist?" Pastor Jim quietly asked.
Dean was speechless which didn't happen often. All his attempts to mask his feelings had not fooled the good Pastor. This conversation had gotten way too personal and he felt he was losing control of the situation and it was time to deflect the Pastor's attention.
"Thanks for the amulet, it sure saved my butt."
Dean reached around his neck to remove the protection charm and return it to the Pastor.
"Dean, I think you should keep it. Considering your line of work and history, I can't imagine anyone else who would benefit more from wearing that amulet. I think you're going to need it."