Chap11 killing Lonliness
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Cry Baby kept Allison in his arms for as long as she felt comfortable. Everything was about her and what felt right with her. What she had wanted and needed had always been important to him. It was all the more important to him now. He knew the hurt he had caused her and he refused to hurt her any further no matter what.
Finally Allison finally broke the embrace so her eyes met his. When his eyes met hers he could see an unasked question in her eyes. He sighed inwardly and took her hand in his. "Allison baby what are you thinking about? I know there's something going on inside your head I just don't know what," he said softly to her.
Allison shook her head. "No...no it doesn't matter it's nothing," she said dismissingly.
Cry Baby used his free hand to tilt her head slightly so she was looking directly into his eyes. "Sweetheart I know it must be something. Come please tell me," he coaxed.
Allison averted her gaze a little but nodded. "Alright, alright. I was thinking about what we talking about before you…sto…" she was going to say stormed out the house but stopped herself, "left the house," she said softly.
Cry Baby looked a little confused then sighed slightly when he got her meaning. "Oh that it was nothing really…" he said going to trail off but stopping himself he didn't want to keep any secrets from her especially right now.
Allison saw his face and spoke up quickly, "Cry Baby it's alright you don't have to tell me but like I said before I was simply hoping that I might be able to help you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
He shook his head. "No I'll tell you it's just a little hard to explain…" he muttered.
"Try me," Allison said softly.
Cry Baby nodded as he searched for the right words. "Don't try to thin of the "best way" to word it just saw what you are feeling, just tell me exactly what is going on inside your head," Allison prompted gently when she saw him attempt to find a suitable way to put what he was feeling into words.
"I've been thinking a lot about Pep lately and…and her kids," he whispered.
Allison bit her lip silently waiting for him to carry on. She didn't push him she knew how difficult it was to talk about things like this. Every now and then her mind would wonder back to his kiss with Lenora but she quickly pushed the thoughts from her mind.
"It's always been kind of up to me to look after Pepper so obviously when she had kids I want to ensure I do the best I can for them but sometimes I'm scared it's not enough…" he said shakily.
"Oh Cry Baby how can you even think like that? You do great don't beat yourself up like this," Allison said gently.
Cry Baby felt his eyes brimming with tears. "Our parent's death was really hard on her. Pep took it really hard. It was after their death that she really starting putting on weight. I've…I've never spoke to anyone about this. I know it was years ago and it shouldn't really be upsetting me like this. I just hate seeing Pepper striving to do the best she can for her kids…I just wish there was more I could have done," he whispered.
Allison sighed and moved closer to him. "Cry Baby you have done so much for Pepper and her kids and they know it, as do I. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to grow up without your parents. The only experience I have is the way I felt after my parents died.
Cry Baby nodded thinking about what she said. What he really wished was that none of it had happened and that his parents were still alive. He hoped they would be proud of him. He knew they would like Allison just as much as he did.
"They would be proud of you," she whispered.
"Do you believe in Heaven?" he asked her.
"Yes I do. I believe they are with God and that they are watching over me," she answered with a smile.
"I do believe in heaven but I don't have that slight comfort of believing they are in Heaven. Well my mother may be but my father he cannot be, can he? I mean he was the Alphabet Bomber. My father was a murderer…"
"If he was sorry for his actions though…" she suggested gently.
"My father never showed any remorse for what he did at least that is the impression I have been given," he said quietly.
"That is just the hearsay from other people. No one can know what went on inside your father's mind in the last few moments of his life. For all we know he may have felt remorse and made his peace with God," she pointed out.
Cry Baby nodded. "Yes..maybe," he said finding a little comfort in her words.
Allison nodded and hugged him letting all thoughts of his kiss with Lenora slip to the back of her mind. She knew there was no way she could completely forget about it right now but it now no longer dominated her every thought. This was a comforting thought within itself as it gave her a baton of hope that they would be able to salvage their relationship from this and perhaps even in time make it grow stronger.