Chapter 11 – That Ol' Redneck
Claude Speed, Guntersville, Metropolis City, 2030
Claude Speed pulled up on the sidewalk near the fenced in building where Lee had stole the diamonds from, it had been around a week since Lee had rushed off with the diamonds and now Claude was nervous he would be recognized by one of the Rednecks. He decided it wasn't a wise idea to drive his red car to the Rednecks area, so he grabbed a white van on the way there. As he got out the van, he briskly walked into the fenced-off area at a leisurely pace. Suddenly someone ran in front of him aiming a double-barrelled shotgun to his head, inches away from him. The man had a long brown-haired mullet, a white vest, blue jeans; he was wearing a baseball cap and only had about half of his teeth left, the ones that were left were mostly broken or yellow.
"You think you can just wander on ma territory?" the man asked in a deep Southern accent
"Yes, I was wishing to see Billy Bob Bean, the leader of the Rednecks" Claude asked
"You're speakin' to 'im" the man replied
"You're Billy Bob Bean?" Claude asked rhetorically
"You ain't wrong bud" Billy replied placing the shotgun on his back holster "come in ma house, have some whisky and you tell me what Billy can do for you"
Billy led him into the factory and then into a room where a slightly overweight lady and an old man with a white beard was sitting.
"What's your name bud?" Billy asked
"No Claude" Claude replied
Billy let out a chuckle showing his horrible buck teeth.
"Bud is just a term I call my frien's" Billy said "although I do have a son called Budd"
"Right" Claude replied
"Please, have a seat an, meet ma sister and wife Mary-Lou Bean, and ma dear ol' dad Bill Bean Sr." Billy said "I'll fetch ya some whisky"
"Did he say you're his sister and wife?" Claude asked Mary-Lou
"Yeah hun" Mary-Lou replied "the wedding was a breeze, no need to remember awkward surnames when it's your own brother"
"Okay" Claude replied slightly freaked out "and how's his 'dear ol' Dad'?"
"Mighty fine" his Dad replied "hey you look a young 'un, have you ever tried possum?"
"I can't say I have" Claude replied
"You have to try it some time…" Billy's father was suddenly interrupted by Billy himself arriving back holding a bottle of whisky
"Ignore my ol' Dad there, he says that to every guest we get, even tries to tell us sometimes, we've heard it for years, ever since he got amnesia and tha' plate in his head, ya know he even phoned up a radio station one time and told tha' bored presenter all about it" Billy explained pouring the whisky into one of the dirtiest mugs Claude had seen, Claude took one sip just to be kind and put the mug as far away from him as he could
"Wonderful, makes interesting mealtime conversation doesn't it" Claude replied sarcastically "along with how wonderful the honeymoon with your sister was"
"Oh, that was good" Mary-Lou explained "we lived in an ol' Texas trailer for a fortnight, jus' like ol' times"
"Yeah, my ol' Dad use to take us all over America, from Liberty to Shirago, he took us god damn everywhere" Billy said
"Yeah, I remember once I tasted possum, you should try that stuff…" his Dad tried to explain
"Oh knock it off Dad" Billy said annoyed
Suddenly a man also in a white vest, this one had a southern flag painted on, aged in his twenties, had short brown hair with similarly awful teeth came through holding a piece of paper.
"Dad" the man said also in a "I jus' got a notification from the university, there going to accep' me"
"Well Cletus that matters how much it costs?" Billy replied
"Ten dollars, and the coupon out of the Zaibatsu Tree" Cletus replied
"That's fine" Billy agreed with a nod
"Who is this coon?" Cletus asked pointing to Claude
"This ain't a coon" Billy replied
"Well, he ain't getting into my family blood like a coon, he better leave quickly or he's getting some lead in his head" Cletus replied to Billy "understand bud" he said to Claude
"Get outta here!" Billy said throwing the first thing he found on the chair which was a dishcloth "tha' son shows no respect, you ain't no coon, you ain't black"
"Don't you hate the way they've screwed up the American flag?" Claude asked
"Yeah, wish they used tha Southern one with tha cross" Billy replied
"I mean they've replaced the stars with the Zaibatsu star" Claude answered
"I hate Zaibatsu, only group I hate more than a coon" Billy replied "you haven't touched ya whisky bud"
"Sorry, I never much gathered a taste for whisky" Claude replied trying to be nice
"You must be seventeen or eighteen" Billy replied "so what can Billy do for you bud?"
"Do you have any work I could do?" Claude asked
"Yeah, I got a blocked toilet downstairs, you can clean that up" Billy replied
Claude sat in confusion for a few seconds taking it in.
"I meant any work of a criminal nature" Claude re-explained
"In fact I do, some ol' yella-bellied scum, broke into my factory last week and stole my finest diamonds outta ma safe, had sentimental value, had them for twenty-five years just for some tanned scum-bag to break in and snatch 'em, I sent a few of my men out to catch 'im, Cletus even lent a hand, ain't found 'im yet" Billy explained "so I'm offering you, if you find this scumbag within a week, get ma diamonds back, and kill him, I'll give you ten thousand dollars, how 'bout that"
"How about we raise the stakes a bit" Claude replied "how about you give me twenty-four hours to find him"
"That's being a bit cruel" Billy said "so if ya don't find him before tomorrow you won't get nothin'"
"I'm willing to take that risk" Claude explained
"Suit yaself" Billy replied
"Do you have any clues of what this person looks like?" Claude asked trying to increase the redneck's trust"
"Yeah, the scumbag is tanned" Billy said "oh and one of my men said he had brown eyes, if ya trust him, he has a pho… photo… photogr… what tha heck's that word?"
"Photographic?" Claude suggested
"That's the word" Billy replied
As Claude walked away Billy called him.
"Oh and Claude" Billy replied "try and bring back one of 'is eyes"
"You want his eye?" Claude questioned
"Yeah, I wanna keep it so I remember tha scum that took ma diamonds, and it would give a certain touch to ma living room" Billy replied
"He wants to take my eye?" Lee asked in shock
"Yeah, I'm going to have to take it Lee" Claude replied
Claude was back at the house explaining the events to Lee.
"I can't give him the diamonds either, you'll have to tell him you failed" Lee replied "especially not my eye, I'll look like a pirate"
"We'll get ten thousand dollars for the diamonds" Claude tried to persuade him
"You can't get them anyway, I pawned them" Lee explained
"You pawned them" Claude said "who to?"
"Some guy who owned a tacky shop in Omnitron" Lee explained "called 'Elvis's Pawn Shop'"
"Am I thinking what I think it is?" Claude asked
"Yes it's a shop owned by someone who has an Elvis fixation, dons the full gear while serving" Lee replied
"I'm going to get them back" Claude said
"No you're not, I got five thousand dollars for them, and that's mine" Lee replied
"Well, I'll have to kill him then" Claude said "that would be even better, you get to keep the five thousand dollars, and I get ten thousand dollars for us"
He walked towards the door.
"And when I come back, I want your eye" Claude said pointing to Lee
"Just grab Elvis's eye" Lee replied
"The redneck knows your eyes are brown, what colour's Elvis's eye?" Claude asked
"How the f-ck should I know, I only saw him for two minutes while I handed the diamonds over" Lee shouted
"You just better f-cking hope his eyes are brown" Claude replied before walking over to his van
"If you go, I'll torch your red car" Lee shouted in a last minute moment to stop him
"Torch it then, see if I care" Claude yelled stepping into the van
He turned the ignition and pushed the accelerator, around ten minutes later he was on the sidewalk in Omnitron in front of 'Elvis's Pawn Shop'. The shop was painted with peeling white paint, and was lettered in bold red lettering on the front made out of metal, the 'P' was hanging off the sign, ready to fall off onto the street. There was a large dusty shop window; inside there was a man with short black hair and glasses filling on a form on the customer's side of the counter. Claude walked in casually and stood a few feet away from him.
"Hello" the customer greeted
"Hi, where's Elvis?" Claude asked
"Around the back getting my product I pawned a few weeks ago" the man replied
"How much does he look like Elvis?" Claude asked
"Not at all" the man whispered "I'm glad I'm not recruiting Elvis's for an Elvis look-alike contest"
"All I can say is if we're still inspired by Elvis fifty years after his death we are totally screwed" Claude replied
"Yeah, too overrated" the man replied slightly louder
"Did you dis-respect Elvis there?" a voice from the background asked
A man suddenly walked through carrying a chainsaw. He was wearing a white vaguely Elvis looking suit, had a very fake black Elvis wig. Apart from that, he looked nothing like Elvis.
"N…" the customer tried to say before being interrupted by Claude
"Yeah we did" Claude said
"Well, I'd thank you very much if you didn't because it makes me all shook up" Elvis said handing the customer the chainsaw, in the least attempted Elvis accent, not even an Elvis accent. The customer stepped out the door, and walked along the street.
"If you continue with this I will be doing the jailhouse rock very shortly" Claude said "because you're face won't be able to be recognized, not even by the forensics"
"What can I do you for?" Elvis asked almost if Claude hadn't said something vaguely threatening
"Yes, my friend pawned some diamonds, he'd like to buy them back" Claude lied
"I'll be back before you can say Blue Suede Shoes" Elvis said walking into the back of the shop.
Claude briefly took out his Colt 45, checked it was loaded properly and placed it back in his pocket. Elvis walked back through holding the case of diamonds.
"Now if you've got the forms your friend filled in and the five thousand dollars, you can have the diamonds right away" Elvis mentioned
"Nope, I haven't got the forms with me" Claude replied smugly
"Well, I'm sorry to put you in the heartbreak hotel, but if you don't have the forms I can't give you the diamonds" Elvis replied
"Why won't you give me the diamonds without the form?" Claude asked
"Well I don't have suspicious minds, it's one of my policies" Elvis replied
"What if I blasted you with this gun instead?" Claude asked pulling out his Colt 45 and aiming it towards him
"I would blast your wooden heart with this double barrelled shotgun underneath the counter" Elvis replied
"I wonder who would shoot first." Claude said replacing the Colt 45 back in his pocket
They stared at each other for seconds, not daring to move in case the other shot at the other. Their eyes started to dry up waiting for the other to blink. Suddenly Claude raised his Colt 45 and pulled on the trigger. This happened in a few hundredths of a second, but to Claude it felt like minutes. Elvis suddenly fell back and onto the floor, with a gaping hole in his head splashing blood everywhere.
"Maybe if you gave a little less conversation you would have lived" Claude said to the bloody corpse, grabbing the case of diamonds off the counter and setting them on the floor.
He looked into the Elvis impersonator's eyes, they were brown. Claude clutched a flick-knife out of his pocket and began work on Elvis's right eye. A few minutes later Claude jumped back into his van, he called Lee immediately.
"Hello Lee" Claude greeted
"Hello Claude" Lee replied "did you get the diamonds?"
"I did" Claude replied "from the worst Elvis impersonator ever"
"Did you manage to get his eye?" Lee asked
Claude though for a minute and with a smirk said "No, I couldn't they were green".
Lee suddenly hung-up, Claude chuckled and thought to himself 'That'll keep him on his toes until I get back.'