Holy Macaroni! This has to be the dumbest fanfic I've ever written. It was hysterical to me and my friend Tim who helped write it. The sheer randomness of it all makes me laugh. Anywho, not many people will like this fic 'cause my other sugar-rush fic was a disaster. Oh well, thought I'd give it a shot. No flamers but constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks
Disclaimer: FullMetal-Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. I don't own anything (not even Roy, oh poop!) I also don't own Winnie the Pooh, King Kong, Superman, Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, or Broadway.
Drunken Tendencies
It all started off as a simple night out at the bar. Colonel Roy Mustang had decided to treat Edward Elric, Major Alexander Louise Armstrong, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc, and Master Sergeant Kain Fuery to a few drinks at Central's local bar. What happened that night would be something no one would have ever expected.
The five military officers sat all in a straight line along the stools in front of the bar. They seemed like just a bunch of normal guys, but on close inspection, they were all very, very drunk. Roy sat at the far end of the bar, swishing the last of his beer around in its glass. He lifted it up and began to drink. Havoc looked over and watched as Roy held the glass over his shoulder with his mouth open and poured the contents onto his shoulder.
"Hey, how come there isn't any left?" Roy asked looking at his empty glass; unfazed by the fact that his dry-clean only uniform jacket was soaked around his shoulder because he stupidly forgot where his mouth was.
"Come on, let's go," said Ed, hoping down from his seat where his feet had been dangling and nearly hitting his head on the bar because he was so drunk. The five left the bar and stumbled down the street.
"Hey, is anyone in the mood for music?" Havoc asked, slurring.
"Oh, oh, pick me!" Armstrong said. Havoc waved his hand.
"Take it away Major Armstrong!" he yelled. (Insert Winnie the Pooh music here)
"Winnie the Pooh 'hiccup' Winnie the Pooh 'hiccup' Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff He's Winnie the Pooh 'hiccup' Winnie the Pooh 'hiccup' Willy nilly silly ole bear!" sang Armstrong. The five clapped.
"Bravo, Major, Bravo!" said Fuery. They continued to walk the streets, in the middle of it. A pair of headlights came into view, and was right in the way of Armstrong. The truck honked. Armstrong held out his hand and stopped the truck in its tracks.
"Oh hello there Mister truck. It's nice to meet you, too," Armstrong said lifting the truck up and down as if he were shaking someone's hands. The other four backed away slowly. They continued their traversing, when all of a sudden.
"Jean, you need a girlfriend!" Roy yelled. Havoc looked up.
"Yeah, I know," he replied.
"Well, I order you to go and talk with that fine brunette over there!" Mustang pointed. The blonde followed his superior's finger to see a fine looking brunette standing on the sidewalk. He walked over and started conversing with a 'Clean up after your dog' sign.
A few minutes later, Havoc came back over.
"Soooo?" Roy asked.
"She won't talk to me," the blonde said in defeat. Roy shook his head.
"No, no, no. This is how it's done," Mustang said. He slicked back his messy black hair and took a deep breath.
"Now, watch me woo that wonderful blonde over there," he said pointing to a squirrel sitting on a fence. Roy marched over to the poor, defenseless squirrel. He leaned against the fence, and was looking quite dashing.
"Hello there beautiful. I just wanted to tell you that if you were a bugar, I'd pick you first," he said very suavely. The squirrel blinked a few times. Then, it's eyes turned red, it started to foam at the mouth, and poor Roy had no chance to escape. The rabid squirrel attacked and poor Roy didn't even have a fighting chance. Ed just laughed.
"Thank you, Mr. Mustang, for demonstrating the proper technique," Havoc said and walked away with Ed and Fuery trailing behind. Roy lay on the ground for a few hours, recovering from his squirrel attack when he heard sirens. He sat up to see a police car park and two police officers come out of the car.
"Remember to thank Joan for a wonderful evening!" Roy yelled randomly. Seeing his current condition, the police decided to test Roy for WWI (Walking While Intoxicated). They had Roy breath into a tube that tested his alcohol level. Mustang's alcohol level was so high, the machine burst. Roy laughed.
"Ha, ha! Your box went boom!" he said. Using this as an escape, Roy stripped down to his boxers and began to run like a wild man down the street. At seeing this, the officers contacted immediate back up. A helicopter came into view looking for Roy. They spotted him and followed him into a field.
"Oh a whirly-bird," Mustang slurred staring up at the helicopter. The copter took position and fired a missile.
"Oh, I got it, I got it!" Roy yelled, thinking the missile was a football. Lucky for him, it landed in the ground and blew up leaving a crater. Unfortunately, the Colonel was too drunk to realize there even was a crater and fell inside.
"One more time!" he yelled and passed out.
Havoc was now slightly more sober and had gone back to look for Armstrong. Leaving Kain and Ed alone. Havoc eventually found the Major who was still beating up the truck.
"Come on Major, time to go," Havoc said.
"Wait, one more ride!" he exclaimed excitedly. The Major stood in the middle of the road on the divider. Just standing. As the cars flew past. He then sighed, and came back to Havoc.
"Ok, we go home now," he said. Havoc nodded.
"Piggy back!" Armstrong said and fell on top of Havoc.
2 hours later
"Are we home yet?" Armstrong asked.
"No, not yet," Havoc whispered.
(Insert Superman theme song here)
"It's not a bird, it's not a plane, no, its SUPER ED!" a random announcer said. The screen than focused on Ed, standing on the top of the Empire State Building with a bellowing cape.
"Up, Up and AWAY!" Ed yelled, jumping from the building and going straight for a few seconds and then falling.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ed yelled but grabbed onto the ledge.
"Super Ed has now decided to hang up his cape, and become KING ED! ROAR!" Ed exclaimed. (Insert KING KONG scenes with Ed here)
Some random kids below noticed this and decided to use their model airplanes to knock Ed down. Ed swatted at them (just like KING KONG) and then falls. The kids gather around and stare.
"T'wus beauty that killed the beast," the random announcer said.
"Nii-san…stop that, you're scaring everybody!" Al said, popping out of nowhere, picking up his unconscious brother and taking him home.
In the Broadway show The Phantom of the Opera…"The Phantom of the Opera is there," sang the Phantom.
"Inside your mind," sang Kain from a balcony. A light shown on the Master Sergeant and he was blinded and fell out of the balcony onto the Phantom.
"I'm ok!" he said, and then noticed that the poor actor was unconscious.
"Oh no! I ruined your show! Oh I'm such a bad person, I must kill myself!" the Master Sergeant said and ran for the next theater. The ushers tried to stop him, saying it wasn't worth it, but it was too late. Kain ran into the next theater, which just so happened to be The Lion King where Rafiki was introducing Simba. Kain ran up Pride Rock, pushed Rafiki out of the way, sent the Simba stuffed animal flying, jumped off Pride Rock (which really wasn't all that tall), landed on a gazelle's legs, and broke them.
The next day, everyone, save Ed, was in the hospital. Havoc was in a full body cast, Armstrong had a huge hangover. The angry gazelle actor was poking Kain in the head.
"You ruined my career!" he yelled.
'Poke' "I'm sorry," Kain said. 'Poke' "I'm sorry." 'Poke' "I'm sorry."
Roy was in a bed, a bit dazed, hooked up to all kinds of machines. As he rested. Riza Hawkeye walked in. His heart raced and you could hear it on the monitor.
'Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep'
"Sir, are you alright?" he nodded. She smiled at him.
"I'm glad," she said, and kissed him on the forehead. This was just too much for Roy. He had wanted this ever since he'd met Riza. And the happiness was so much, that poor Roy had a heart attack.
'Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'
Riza gasped.
"Colonel, Colonel? Roy, Roy speak to me. Oh no, I killed him!" she yelled in horror.
OwariTo my good friend Tim.