Disclaimer: I am the all-powerful JK Rowling…not.

A/N: The fact that I could not even begin to think of when I last updated this story was a bad sign. The fact that I nearly passed out from forgetting to breathe when realizing that that date was in November was a very bad sign. However, I'm ignoring all of these stupid omens, becoming fueled by Tic Tacs, and writing something.

Lily Evans on minimal sleep was not good. It was less than not good. In fact, the girl in question was downright cranky on the morning of her first sixth-year classes.

"Hey. Stop it," Sarah nudged Lily with her elbow. "Wake up."

"…must…get sleep…while…can…"

"What's the matter, Evans?" shouted Michael Phillip, a particularly obnoxious seventh-year prefect. "Hungover?"

"Die, Michael. You have two first names. Die."

"Or were you doing something…else?" asked Sirius rather loudly from across the table. He jumped up on the bench and executed pelvic thrusts repeatedly. "Eh? Eh? Do you get-"

"YES, Black, I get it!"

"Touchy, touchy…" Sirius remarked, returning his arse to its normal position. "You know, Michael," he stage-whispered, "I do believe she is."

"You're a prat, Sirius, you know that?" announced Patricia Rendell, striding in to the Great Hall past their table. She snatched the toast he was holding and kissed him on the cheek. "But I love you anyway."

"Ah, you too. D'you see, James?" he said quietly. "D'you see what you're missing? You could have girls swooping down and professing their love for you on a daily basis, instead of, well," he gestured at Lily, "that."

"I'm not the one who got my toast stolen," was all James said.

"You are in a perpetual state of girlfriendlessness."

"While you, my friend, are in a potentially dire state of breakfastlessness."

"Neither of which are words," added Remus.

"And, thus, we start off a new term," concluded Peter woefully. "On empty stomachs and unrequited love."

"And potions," added Becky with venom. "Don't forget potions."

"Oh, yes, the marvelous domain of Slughorn. Wouldn't want to be late for that, now would we, Prongs?" asked Sirius with a demonic grin at his best friend. "Eh? Eh?"

"You seem to be picking up his bad speech habits," Remus commented. "Aside from that, why are you taking the class if you don't like it?"

"For fear of abandoning you, Moony old pal!"

"And abandoning your grade? Would that have something to do with it?"

Sirius put on an affronted look. "Moony, I am ashamed of you! That something as trivial as your superb note-taking skills could be looked upon as the basis of our friendship is simply ridiculous." He looked nervous. "Okay, a bit."

"Not even a bit," James added hastily. "One might say…a tad! Yes, just a tad."

"Come on, let's go. Before you two embarrass yourselves even more." Remus smiled devilishly. "That might cause me to forget to take notes…"

Notes, Sarah Williams: Potions

For creating The Draught of Living Death, one must first

What, Becky?

So I was thinking…

Oh, Lord.

Shut up. I was thinking about what Lily said last night. About some "extreme circumstances."

Yeah, I found that kind of interesting…

Any ideas? I was thinking sort of along the lines of a false kidnapping-

What, and get murdered by James when he realizes that she's missing?

Where are your ideas?

Well, I…I've got nothing.

Precisely. So that's why we need to make a plan.

Actually, I prefer the term "plotting."

But that makes it sound like "scheming."

…so?

Which is A Bad Thing to do to your best friend.

A Bad Thing, eh? Not a bad thing, but A Bad Thing. With capital letters.

Don't knock my idiosyncrasies.

So, plotting is A Bad Thing. Right. But not when you're doing it in order to get said best friend to, quote, get it on, unquote, with extraordinarily hot Marauder.

Agreed. So, fine, we can "plot." But we'll probably need some help…

Poor, lovesick James must complain to his friends a lot…

A very lot, I should think…so?

So, we can probably, uhm, probably…what's the word?

Finagle?

Yes, that's it, finagle the boys into helping. Or threaten them, that works too. But we still need a plan!

"Oi, Remus!" shouted Becky. "Could you help us with something quickly?" He looked up from the cauldron he was sharing with Lily and nodded feverishly. Remus walked briskly across the room, away from the glowering James whose potion had turned a particularly revolting shade of magenta, rather than its intended lilac.

"What is it?" he questioned. Seeing the glance that passed between them, he said, "I take it it's not about potions, then?"

"We're…um, well…"mumbled Sarah. "We're plotting!" she said at the same time as Becky said, "We're planning!"

"Right. So you need the help of me, someone you don't know that well or trust that much. For this…plan slash plot slash whatever."

"That's a lot of slash…"muttered Becky.

"Yep. Pretty much," Sarah ventured. "But it's a really good plannish plottish thing. That we haven't thought of yet."

"But we're working on it!"

"Actually," Sarah admitted, "we're pretty crap at diabolical plans. However, as one of the marauders…well, you see, scheming is pretty much your and your group's life. In a completely good way."

Remus looked at them skeptically. "Does this plan involve…oh, say, I don't know, Lily?" And if it does, he added mentally, will it cause James drag me out into the forest by my ears, castrate me, chop off said ears and the rest of my arse, maim me horribly, and then kill me? Or something perhaps a little less specific along those lines.

"Why, of course we would never do anything behind our dear, sweet Lily's back!" shouted Becky in a tense, high-pitched voice. It was loud enough that Lily turned around with a bemused expression on her face and started to ask Remus what the hell he was doing. "Unless," Becky continued in a whisper, "it involved getting her out of denial-"

"-which is in Egypt, or so I've heard-" Sarah cut in.

"And together with James Potter. There's just one thing…" she trailed off. "We don't have a plan."

"Why should I help you?" asked Remus softly.

"How much more unrequited love can you stand to hear James moan about?" Sarah pointed out. "Of course, it is your choice. In fact, forget we said anything. Call it the sad, deranged attempts of a couple of silly girls trying to do some good for the world. It wasn't really that important," she said, glancing at Remus to see if the pity approach was working. Time for some fake tears. She stared down at her hand that was splitting valerian roots and her eyes started to water. "It's just the lifelong happiness of our best friend and your best friend and-"

"Shh-shh-don't cry! I can't handle crying girls!" Remus looked panicked. "Okay, meet my cohorts and me later-in the library-at a quarter past six. We'll have a plan." I hope, he thought as he walked back to his cauldron.

"See? Who needs to pay attention in Potions when you've got plotting to do?" Sarah said, stirring her emerald green concoction that was emitting environmentally hazardous fumes.

Lengthier than usual, too! I really outdid myself-not. Now, if only I could make it less craptastic...