Secret Fangirl Reports

Disclaim by Demyx:

"TMN or The Melodious Nocturne (coughnamestealercough) or Brittany does not own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, or Kingdom Hearts Two. Nor does she own the Kingdom Hearts…what's this word?"

"It's manga. You're from Japan. You should know this. Now continue."

"Right. She also doesn't own Final Fantasy. Or Disney. But she does…I'M NOT SAYING THIS!."

"Read it how I wrote it."

"You do NOT own me."

"Pssh…"

NOTE: OWA is "One Winged Angel" You know…Sephy's song…

Chapter One

How the Orgy REALLY Got Started

(or: newspaper anyone?)

Now we all know about the first six members, but where did Xemnas find those other freaks?

"Newspaper ad."

"Newspaper ad? What did it say?"

"'Looking for Nobodies who want their hearts back.'"

"Not going for the original approach, are we? How many freaks will that get us I wonder."

"You know what Xigbar? Go work on the castle. NOW." Xigbar walked off, muttering something about how 'Lexaeus has it handled.'

They were building a castle. Xemnas had already found one he liked, but some 'idiot nut job with pink hair' already owned it. And Xemnas, who seems always willing to kill, didn't want to deal with the fruit cake.

Days passed and not one call came for the ad. The castle was nearly done…if you call having a shell almost done. The good thing about The World That Never Was: the dark abyss around the castle is good…for throwing people into.

Xemnas started pacing a lot, checking his cell every other second. About a week after he submitted the ad, a call came. It was the newspaper, saying they were going to print it in the next issue. Xemnas, who is a very impatient man, yelled at them for not running it sooner. He then kicked the castle, giving himself a sprained toe.

The ad was printed, the newspaper out, and no calls. Of course, Xaldin noticed something wrong with the ad at once.

"Uh…Superior? You forgot your phone number."

"Nonsense, it's right…there…crap."

Xemnas sent Zexion to submit another ad. Within days, the calls were pouring in. Everyone asked Zexion what he said in this ad, and he would tell them "The same thing Xemnas did, only with the number." Of course, Xigbar doubted this, but didn't question it.

Xemnas set up a meeting with all of the applicants. No one expected there to be so many dusks there though. Who knew they could read? But they got kicked out, along with the more common nobodies. That left about fourteen normal looking people.

Besides the seven we already know (Saix, Axel, Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene, and Roxas) there was Boxb, Riku, Namine, Brixtanty, Saxm, Elxvis, and Xavier.

Riku was allowed to stay because of his Organization jacket. Brixtanty and Saxm were kicked out because Xemnas was annoyed at their giggling (which was directed at Marluxia). Elxvis was kicked out because he was just another imposter (or so they thought). Xavier realized he was in the wrong game, so he left. Boxb was killed by Axel, for Axel was bored. And Namine was kicked out because she was too…girly (and we wonder why they kept Marluxia).

Xemnas then arranged person interviews with all of the remaining people. He ended up only getting rid of one for two reasons.

One, Riku has a heart…sure he's dark (tall and handsome) and he has the jacket, he's ju8st not a nobody. And two, Xemnas has some sort of obsession with the number thirteen.

Chapter Two

What Demyx did, ain't Demx's fault.

(or: why we're behind)

With the help that the new members provided, the castle was done five weeks behind schedule.

Luxord attempted to talk everyone into playing cards. And when he wasn't playing cards he was shuffling them. Or gambling.

Roxas would try and start fights with everyone. Saying "Polly wanna cracker?" to Xigbar, calling Xaldin a wannabe wolverine, making fun of Vexen's experiments, making fun of Lexaeus, calling Zexion emo, making fun of Saix's obsession with the moon, calling Demyx a wannabe rockstar, playing 52 card pick up with Luxord, making fun of Marluxia's flowers, and calling Larxene "Pikachu Girl."

Demyx would annoy people with his sitar playing. He's not bad, in fact he may be one of the best, but constant music coming from him can get on your nerves.

Axel, who got the nickname "Flamey" from Marluxia, would give Demyx candy. What happens after that comes later though.

Larxene would just sit around, refusing to work and reading all day. The same book too.

Saix was ordered by Superior to go to therapy for his slight berserk problem…and his obsessive moon worshipping.

The first time Axel gave Demyx candy was a bad one. Demyx wouldn't sit still and was bouncing off the walls (more literally than you may think). It was obvious that sugar was not a good thing for the blonde.

Axel decided to give him more. A lot more. He was bored…but is that any reason to over sugar-nate anyone? It was soon apparent that something bad was going to happen.

One word: flood.

The entire castle, flooded.

Demyx is now banned from candy. In fact, he can't within one mile of sugar.

What Demyx did ain't Demyx's fault.

Axel bought the candy…with Marluxia's munny.

Moral of the chapter: Hide your munny, kiddies.

Chapter Three

Oblivion?

(or: the shortest chapter EVA)

After the "Demyx Fiasco," Xemnas decided to get rid of the problem. He threw Demyx into the dark abyss. Then he sent Larxene, Axel, Zexion, Lexaeus, and Vexen to Castle Oblivion. Marluxia was very excited. One, he was Lord of Castle Oblivion, so he could boss them around. And two, he hardly ever gets visitors.

The five members were guessing that the entire castle would be pink with flowers everywhere, and there would be noting to do. Where they ever so wrong.

Chapter Four

Before the Battle

(or: Riku's a noob?)

"Let me get this straight. We are going to be killed by a fourteen year old with a giant key, a half naked duck, and a hat wearing dog."

"Don't forget the short mouse and the emo white haired kid." Larxene glared at Axel, who said that calmly.

"That's right," Zexion said, nodding.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! OH! Look at what I made!" Vexen said, ushering out the Riku clone.

"Uh…interesting?" Zexion offered.

"There's only one problem with him."

"What?"

"$crew joo dood$ im outtie" The Riku clone left.

"He talks in leet."

"Okay, there she is. You have the bag, right?"

"Yep." Lexaeus held up a sack.

"Good. You know what to do, right?" Lexaeus nodded. "Okay…NOW!" Marluxia pointed at Namine, who looked very confused. Lexaeus ran at her and grabbed her, having dropped the bag.

"The road to dark or the road to light?"

"What? No tram? I have to walk? Disney's cheapin' out on us." Riku folded his arms.

"They spent the money on making Space Mountain better. Like it needed it."

"PICK A ROAD ALREADY!" DiZ was starting to get impatient with the King and silver haired kid.

"You know what? Since you're yelling at me, I'm taking the middle one." Riku pushed his way past, with the King following behind.

"I mean, there's nothing between us. Those chicks have wrong minds. Me and Roxas? The dud is like…ME. Wrong," the spiky haired keyblade master said.

"Who's Roxas?" asked the talking dog.

"I have no clue…"

Hours and days later…because we all know Emo and Spiky 'eliminated' all six members.

Chapter Five

OH SHIZNAPS!

(or: the best lines in the entire story)

"Xemnas? Demyx flooded The Hall of Empty Melodies…again…" reported Xaldin. But before the silver haired man could respond…

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STEPS? Oh good…I was looking for you, Superior," Roxas stopped to catch his breath.

"Well?"

"He's here! And he brought that whore and the emo guy with him!"

"Who? Sora, Kairi, and Riku?"

"Pssh, you wish. No, it's Marluxia, Larxene, and Zexion."

"But they shuld be in Oblivion…wait…you mean to tell me that Vexen, Lexaeus, and Zexion didn't kill the fruit cake?"

"Oh Xemy-Wemy-Kins!" cried the 'idiot nut job with pink hair,' skipping up the steps. "I'm ba-ack!"

Marluxia, what are you doing back?" Xemnas turned to glare at Roxas and Xaldin.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the dark abyss today," Roxas said, leaving with Xaldin.

"Oh…uh…I forgot…No wait! I remember now! Sora kicked our asses. Sir!" Marluxia added.

"There were five other members with you AND YOU COULDN'T KILL A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WITH A GIANT KEY?"

Marluxia cowered. "You make it sound like a bad thing…" Xemnas' vein in his forehead almost popped. "But I know what you need! FLOWERS!" exclaimed Marluxia happily, covering the platform with pink petals.

Chapter Six

The Fight

(or: a short chapter for comedic relief)

"Your hall? YOUR HALL? It's called The Hall of Empty MELODIES."

"This is where my boss fight was, so it's MINE!"

"Uh…technically it's Xemnas'." Xigbar and Demyx turned to glare at Xaldin. Demyx took his chance and threw cue cards at Xigbar and ran like hell. "YOU STUPID KID, YA GAVE ME A PAPER CUT!" Xigbar yelled at Demyx, who already was in Hollow Bastion.

Chapter Seven

Now's the Right Time for OWA.

(or: what we do when we have no ideas and wanna make fun of FF)

"You killed her…AGAIN!"

"God Cloud, do you not understand accidents?"

"I'm gonna make a fifteen year old kill you. THEN WE SEE WHAT HAPPENS!" Demyx appeared next to Sephiroth, looking at Cloud who was on the ground holding Aerith. "Emotional much?" Demyx asked Sephiroth.

"You would think that after the first death, he wouldn't need to mourn again." Sephiroth shrugged.

Demyx looked around frantically. "Where is this music coming from? IT BURNS!" he fell onto his knees, holding his bleeding ears.

"MY THEME SONG!" Sephiroth grinned.

"AHHHHHH! MY EARSSSSS!" Spiky keyblader walked in, saw Sephy dancing and Demyx dead on the ground, and turned around and left.

Cloud got up and head butted Sephy. "MY SPLEEN!" he yelled, and died.

"I guess all of that hair cement was good," Cloud smiled and left, never looking back.

Xemnas appeared and picked up Demyx by the hood. "And what did we learn today?"

"Randomosity is both good and a word?"

"No, try again."

"Don't interfere with characters not from your world?"

"No…"

"Oh! Final Fantasy music sucks."

"Exactly. Now go…do something." Xemnas dropped Demyx and left. Luxord appeared. "Wanna play cards?"

"Oh! Would I!" And with that, they played Go Fish.

Moral of the chapter: Don't dis Final Fantasy or you'll play cards with Luxod.

A/N: I like FF music. shify eyes