Summary: A seemingly innocent kiss in the face of death- just what are the repercussions. Post Crossings (3.12) exploration of what could have eventuated between Sydney and Vaughn's escape from the North Korean prison to their return to Los Angeles. One shot.
A/N: This is just a little play around that I had a great time writing. Crossings would have to be one of my favourite episodes (granted, there are many) and so I just decided to see how much further I could push Sydney and Vaughn. I hope that you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Alias. The title of this this story comes from the song 'Clarity' by John Mayer.
Bend The Light
"We're not going to make it out of here," Vaughn said, his voice hoarse. "There's something I need you to know."
Sydney paused her fiddling with the handcuffs. "Vaughn…"
"In my life, there is only one person."
"Don't do this." There was a slight pleading tone to her voice.
"Look at me," Vaughn said firmly.
"Vaughn." She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes. This was all just too final.
"The only reason I pushed you away…"
"Please."
"The only reason I didn't know how to be around you."
Sydney started as footsteps were heard. "They're coming," she whispered frantically, moving closer to Vaughn.
"Sydney."
She looked up at him at that point. "I know." She leant in towards his ear and whispered, "We'll find each other. We always find each other."
The tension was so thick that it felt as if the atmosphere could be cut with a knife. They sat at opposite ends of the plane, unwilling or even unable to face each other.
It was so apparent that even Lysenker was feeling uncomfortable. He didn't know exactly what was going on between the two of them, but it was big. To create tension like this, well, you needed to have a considerable connection.
Sydney's mind was racing. Seated at the back of the aircraft she wished desperately to be home, alone. She couldn't believe what had happened. This wasn't supposed to be happening. They had been in a North Korean prison facing execution. How on Earth had they walked alive?
Her father had to be behind it somehow, she knew. And while she could not put into words how grateful she felt, a tiny part of her wished that they had not walked away.
Things around Vaughn had been awkward and tense enough, but now this? He had moved on and she had been trying desperately to start that process herself. How was that to happen now? One kiss, one seemingly final kiss that had occurred when faced with death, had revealed the true feelings of both of them. Feelings that were inappropriate to act upon. No matter now much Sydney still cared…no, loved Vaughn, she was not about to become the other woman in his marriage.
She looked up at the sound of a buzzer. The pilots. They needed to speak to them. Thankfully, she saw Vaughn rise from his seat and enter the cockpit. She was free to stay hiddendown the back.
A minute later, but he did not return to his seat. He instead continued to the back of the plane. Sydney's heart was in her throat. She wasn't ready to speak to him just yet.
"Uh," she could hear him clear his throat. "Syd."
"Yes?" Her reply was quick.
"There's a problem with the plane. The pilot didn't go into specifics but we have to land."
"Oh."
"They've contacted base. Lysenker is to stay with the plane, under armed guard." Vaughn hesitated and Sydney looked directly at him. "They want us to go to a nearby safe house. Get some decent rest after our 'ordeal' or something like that."
"Right." The last thing Sydney wanted to do was shack up in a safe house with Vaughn. It was stifling enough in the plane.
"Are you ok with that?"
"Yeah, sure." Sydney replied, forcing herself to sound blasé about everything.
Vaughn eyed her closely for a second and then nodded shortly. As he walked off, Sydney exhaled deeply.
'Just forget it ever happened,' she told herself.
Vaughn dropped back into his seat, rubbing his eyes. As if the past few months hadn't been hard enough. For some reason he felt a surge of anger. They should have been dead. He would have never said those things…yes, they were true and yes, he had been wanting to voice them to Sydney since she had returned. But, he knew how much harder things would be once he'd said them.
Jack had been right. Being kind towards Sydney was only making things harder. If she hated him, then she would be able to move on. He didn't deserve her, really. Even in the beginning he had always wondered why Sydney Bristow had chosen him when she could have had absolutely anybody.
In the prison, he had been thinking, morbidly but all the same, that if he were to die then he was grateful that it would be Sydney by his side. Not once did Lauren cross his mind. Only Sydney.
A part of him wanted to forget what had happened. But the rest of him couldn't. It was all out in the open, how he really felt and there was no way that he could take that back now.
Sydney didn't speak. Neither did Vaughn.Not one word as exchanged as they exited the plane and were taken to the safe house. She was craving solitude, some peace in order to collect her thoughts. She kept thinking about their return to the Operations Centre. Would people be able to tell what had transpired between her and Vaughn? Or would they be able to hide it? It was bad enough they were staying in a safe house alone. She could only imagine what the office grapevine would do with that tid bit of information.
Even though she knew that it was useless, Sydney still made her way into one of the small bedrooms and climbed into the bed. The unfamiliar surroundings combined with her frazzled mind and the fact that Vaughn was probably getting into bed a door or so down the hall made sleep completely impossible.
Glancing at her watch, Sydney groaned when she saw the time. It felt as if hours had gone by, when in fact it had been barely one. Letting out a frustrated sigh, Sydney kicked off the covers and made her way to the bathroom across the hall, taking extra care to be as quiet as possible. She did not want to risk disturbing anybody.
Taking a few moments, Sydney stared at herself in the mirror. Raking both hands through her hair, she took in the pale and slightly bruised face. She traced the marks, courtesy of the plane crash and North Korean soldiers, with a finger. She could only imagine what she would look like if all types of pain were displayed in the skin and not just the physical kind. She gave a little smile at that thought. What would everybody look like?
Turning on the faucet, she bent down and splashed the cool, refreshing water on her face, once, twice, and then reached across for a hand towel to pat herself dry.
As she straightened up, looking into the mirror. Sydney froze, inhaling sharply. Vaughn's lean form was filling the doorway.
"Vaughn," she said, letting out a deep breath. "You scared me."
"I'm sorry," he replied quietly.
"What are you doing there?"
"I couldn't sleep. I guess you can't either."
Sydney gave a small nod, still looking at Vaughn through the mirror. She could not bring herself to turn and face him directly.
"Syd, I, uh…" Vaughn trailed off, cleaning his throat. "I think we should talk."
"There is nothing to talk about, Vaughn." Sydney replied bluntly.
"Sydney, what happened back in the jail—"
"Meant absolutely nothing," Sydney cut off firmly, as if she were trying to convince her self as much as Vaughn. "It was just two people who, when faced with their own mortality, did an incredibly stupid thing. What good is it going to do us by psychoanalysing everything? We weren't exactly in a moment of clarity, were we?"
"But what if we were?" Vaughn asked, his voice low.
"Vaughn, don't even think about going there," Sydney warned, still talking into the mirror.
"Why not?" Vaughn asked, taking a step forward.
Sydney stiffened. "What are youdoing?"
"I don't know," he replied truthfully and his expression reflected that. "But I just felt that I should explain."
Sydney frowned slightly. "Explain what?"
Vaughn ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want to make things any harder for you, but…" he took another step forward. "I meant every word that I uttered in that jail cell."
"Vaughn," Sydney whispered. How was it that his words had the ability to warm her every inch as well as break her heart?
"The day you returned, Sydney, was the most incredible day of my life, as well as the most devastating. To learn that you were alive, alive and safe…I cannot explain the elation I experienced. It was as if the miracle I'd hoped for had happened. But it was also like that you, along with a piece of me, had died again. Because even though you were back, even though you were right there in front of me, I couldn't take you into my arms. I couldn't hold you, inhale your sweet scent or kiss you and tell you that everything was going to be ok. And even though that must have been nothing to what you were going through, it ripped me to shreds. It's still ripping me to shreds today."
As Vaughn had been speaking, he had continued to move forward, until he was barely a step behind Sydney. Raising a hand, he, almost gingerly, placed it lightly upon her shoulder.
"Why are you telling me this?" Sydney asked. "What good is all of this? It can only end in hurt for both of us."
"I know that," Vaughn admitted. "But I just couldn't go on pretending…pretending that I am content with the way that our lives have eventuated."
Sydney closed her eyes briefly before slowly turning around. He shoulder felt as if Vaughn's hand had left a permanent mark there. "But I need to do that," she replied, her voice barely audible.
Vaughn felt as if he were being torn apart when he heard Sydney speak those words. "I am sorry, Syd," he said quietly. "I am so sorry."
Sydney paused before responding. "Even given everything, thank you."
A brief look of surprise crossed Vaughn's face. "Excuse me?"
"Though it does complicate things, thank you for what you said. There have been times when I thought that…it had meant nothing to you. That you had never really cared about us at all."
Something flickered across Vaughn's face and his voice gained volume as he spoke. "Sydney, whatever has happened, no matter how much of a mess things are, the one thing you should not question is how I feel about you. Yes, I may have moved on and I know that you see it as some sort of betrayal, but you were dead. You were dead." His expression was etched in hurt as if he were reliving that awful night when he returned the blackened shell of Sydney's apartment. "You were dead," he repeated again, in a whisper.
"I know," Sydney replied.
"In that jail, you said that there was no way that we had any clarity. But that was the only thing I was experiencing. I was going to die and that was ok, because you were by my side."
Sydney did not break their eye contact as she took in Vaughn's words. It was wrong that they were having this conversation. He was a married man. Married to a woman who had done nothing wrong and did not deserve something like this to go on behind her back.
But as she looked into those beautiful green eyes that she knew so well, Sydney found herself ignoring all those better judgements in her mind. She, they, would regret this, she was sure of it. But for reason she did not care.
Slowly, Sydney raised her hands, cupping Vaughn's face and gently pulling him down so that their lips could meet. The kiss was hesitant at first, but it was not long before it deepened to the point of no return. It was as if the years of lost time were being made up for in this one action.
As they shuffled towards her bedroom, Sydney continued to push away those anticipatory thoughts of regret. There was no turning back now.
Regret and guilt washed over her in great big floods. She literally felt sick. Why had they done it? Why had they been so stupid? She glanced to her side. Vaughn as lying, his eyes half closed, as if he were content with settling in for the night.
And there was no way that could happen.
"Vaughn."
"Hmm?" A small smile formed on his face and Sydney felt a deep ache course through her. She had loved sleeping next to him, waking up to that smile. But now, those times could only remain distant memories.
"I think that you should go back to your bedroom."
His eyes opened and his brow furrowed slightly. "Pardon?"
"I want you to go back to your room," Sydney replied firmly.
"But—"
"Please don't argue with me," Sydney said quietly. "I don't think that we should spend the night together."
Vaughn's eyebrows rose. "Even after…" he left the rest of the question unspoken.
"Even after," Sydney affirmed. "It will only be detrimental."
Vaughn sat up slightly. "Detrimental?"
Sydney nodded, exhaling deeply. "Vaughn, the fact of the matter is, regardless of how you feel, you have moved on with your life. And I am trying desperately to do the same thing with mine. Please don't hold me back."
"Hold you back?" Vaughn repeated. "Sydney, may I remind you that you did not exactly object to what just happened?"
"I know that," Sydney sighed. "But now I just want to forget that it ever happened. And that is where our biggest difference comes in."
A look of confusion crossed Vaughn's face. "What do you mean?"
"What I mean is that when we get back to L.A you will be going home to someone. I will be going home to nobody. There is no one to help me forget. I have to move on for myself. You have that somebody to take your mind off everything, and in time help you forget."
"Sydney," Vaughn started earnestly. "I could never—"
"Vaughn, don't." Sydney cut him off, a pleasing look in her eyes. "Please, just go. Now."
Vaughn stared at her for a few seconds before throwing off the covers and obligingly getting out of the bed. With one last look in her direction, he walked out of the bedroom.
They entered the Operations Centre together, but separated by the defector Lysenker. The second plane trip had been just as tense and silent as the first.
Sydney tried hard not to stare as Vaughn released Lysenker from his grip and approached Lauren. She wanted so much to be her, to be able to be with Vaughn freely. But on the other hand, Lauren was the last position that she would have wanted to be in. After what went on between her and Vaughn…
She hated herself for that. The other woman. She realized not long after her return that that was the role that everybody assumed she would fall into. She had vowed that she would not, but what had she done? Fallen into bed with a married man when the opportunity presented itself.
But he wasn't just any married man. It was Vaughn. And every day that they were apart was another part of her dead.
Vaughn embraced his wife, doing the right thing, but all his thoughts were on Sydney. Discreetly glancing over his shoulder he saw that she was with Jack. Good, she was not alone.
He felt terrible over what had happened. Partly, because he had cheated on his wife, but mostly because of what it done to Sydney. He had sworn that he would not hurt her. But when the opportunity had presented itself, he had done nothing but.
But it wasn't just an opportunity it was Sydney. And everyday that he was not able to hold her and tell her that he loved was another day wasted.
She had said that they would always find each other. He just hoped that it was true.