Let It Enfold You
by: xanim3ang3lx
0000000000000000000000000000
Disclaimer: I do not own FLCL or Ecko or this poem.
Authors Notes: Hey everyone this is my second FLCL fic, and it's a little bit different than the rest. The chapters start off with a poem and as you know it's not mine. So have fun reading it, it's more of an introspective fic. It's kind of like the book the Joy Luck Club. .
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Mamimi POV
Chapter 3 - Firebrandy
I went from ok to now,
not knowing that this is not what I care about, thinking I'm right,
If I move faster I will pass out,
I'm feeling lucky that my hands aren't still tied down,
(to me pushing myself around)
this is the worst and I still complain,
it would make sense not to feel the same way for days,
mixed drinks for the girl and grey,
more of a reason for me to stay,
too soon.
more time for myself to lose interest,
I'm in this now and then,
a bad mood that never ends (quickly)
-Keith Goodwin
I had felt someone follow me...
My heartbeat had quickened and I moved faster than before.
Naota had left a while and ago, and his departure from me left me trying to recuperate with his loss. He had looked saddened to see me, and I sure as hell knew why, but I decided not to make things any worse for him...
Over time I realized he didn't think of me in that way, and that I was really just forcing him on me... even though he didn't want me at all.
In all pragmatic sense, I feel as if I've been toyed with. This is really rock bottom, and it's shitty, and I've never felt this way before about anything. I have bent myself to do other people's will, to fullfill their each and every whim to all honest, vital, and serious detail. I have been requested time and time again to sacrifice myself for the good of others, and when I try in the least bit to ever think for myself I am branded the antagonist.
Not one time in my right have I ever felt right, have I ever felt sure of myself. Even when I have checked every minute detail to every facet and lovely point, I still feel wrong.
Shit nothing makes sense.
Yeah, I like how crap so small gets to me now.
Dammit, I hate to say it but I changed, ever since high school, ever since knowing you. I hate how every single little thing affects me now, shit that you don't even have to pay attention to. It's like an unrelentless tugging at my heartstrings now, these dirty little things that require my utmost attention at all times. Really half of the time I think I don't make sense anymore, that every thing I ever try to comprehend becomes an incomplete thought to me, and somehow becomes completely irrelevant instead of other chores.
Things I simply refuse to bother with apparently.
I really think there's something wrong with me. But when the time comes to finally confront myself about that possibility, I brush it off completely and deny thinking about it.
"There's nothing wrong with me..."
Yeah sure buddy. Now I'm having a fight with myself. But sincerely in all retrospect, I have no problems that are really consider horrible, it's just that I don't know how to deal with situations. Maybe, I was just never taught how to deal with anything in a healthy civilized way, except for writing... sometimes. Recently, though, I have felt pangs of guilt churning inside me thanks to the things I've done before, and when I feel that urge to start again I just try other things to get my mind off it. It isn't helping though, well it did work for a while, but things are getting to me now, even more than they ever did before.
Many of decisions I have been making so far, based off previous commitments and such are now made without the reservations and thoughts I used to have before. This lax way of thinking is something that I try not to get used to. Shit like this gets girls like me in trouble, gets people like me in trouble. Half of the time I don't know myself and the other time I think I do. Basically, my personality is clashing again, I'm a quiet person usually, shy, introspective, but now these damn survival instincts are kicking in and I'm becoming more outgoing or some sort of bullshit that everyone thinks is attractive.
This is really not me.
I guess my problems are derived from this huge complexity issue I have now, where one side is tearing the other apart. Some kind of chemical imbalance in the brain is what I wish it was. Where chemical A is being countered by chemical B and they're basically having some gang type war inside my head. Something simple like that would make everything easier.
Getting an easy way out is in my nature.
Like how I took Naota under my wing, and used him as an object for my own desires, he could be my puppet. One who gave me the distinctive pleasure I craved for.
Like his brother did.
My demeanor has changed recently, instead of some manic depressive hyperness I feel like a cancer patient. I feel sad, lonely, hopeless, and stuck. My life is basically going nowhere.
I don't have any plausible excuse to feel so damn dejected.
God, I feel so selfish, because half of the time I stick to the "could be better, could be worse" theory. I mean because it really could be worse. Basically, my desolation makes me feel like a bad person, less than normal. Inferior.
My parents had kicked me out of the house while telling me this...
"You are going nowhere."
I lit up a cigarette and destroyed my feelings for them. When they were done packing up my things and throwing them out of the house, my father came up to me and yelled.
"Why don't you care! You can go be whatever you want now! Aren't you happy?"
I gave a blank face and stared. My clothes were getting wet in the lawn, it was 7 in the morning and of course in my parents practicality they left the sprinklers on.
I blew the smoke in his face.
His silent fuming was getting to me so I walked out of the house and picked up my stuff and walked away.
I had smudged what little honor the Samejima name had.
A car almost hit me as I walked back home.
The footsteps stopped behind me and I turned around.
No one there.
"This paranoia is getting to me.." I mumbled incoherently.
I hated how everyone watched me in this town, I was some layabout college student, who lived under the bridge. So what? My major was photography, and that never earned enough money to survive, and getting good grades by using other means was always my forte.
I guess I am a whore.
I had learned to swallow what was left of my pride bitterly. He made me this way.
The gray overpass of the freeway was visible to me now. The sun was glittering under it as it hit the vast horizon of the river. Water was my weakness.
I was a firestarter.
The smell of waste and toxic sewage being littered near my "house" made me sick. Fortunately, that's what made most people stay away, no one ever ventured near enough to the bridge to disrupt me. The government had even added a small fence which acted as a house for me.
I could survive in tough conditions.
Purple soon invaded my line of sight as I saw a woman, thin frame, dark red hair, sidestep her way in front of me. She upturned her nose in disgust.
"Your father said you'd be down here"
The craving was dulling my senses. My mother was good at things like this. Coming out of nowhere to accost people. She was such an enemy in my eyes that I gave no attention to her, because that's what she wanted.
I looked at her and drawled. "What do you want? Is your daughter Mamimi displeasing you in some way?"
Her cheeks turned red and she uttered something softly.
"You have mail... it's from that man that you gave away, as if he were one of the many opportunities that you ruined."
I sneered, and grabbed the letter.
"Why thank you, you can go cook and be unhappy now like you usually are."
Her eyes were fixed on me and she watched as I walked away from her a second time. I touched the letters he wrote across the envelope, my name... he still remembered. It was in cursive, and it had all the elegance that it used to have before.
Tasuku.
It smelled like him, his sweet cologne, did he spray it on purpose? My hands groped at the sides in anticipation.
When I finally reached the river I sat near the banks, looking at the letter, wondering what it held inside. I tore the side off and watched it drop into my lap. My uniform looked dark compared to it, it was a pale cream colored paper.
I was horrified at what it might be... could it be a wedding invitation?
Hesitantly I turned it over.
My dearest Mamimi,
It has been a long time, has it not? I'm sorry I haven't written or called but I just had this urge to write you. Mainly because I will visiting you guys soon. This will be short, because I have big news to tell you, and I do not want to spoil it. I will be arriving there in a week, around the 8th or 9th. Goodbye.
Love,
Tasuku.
Love? I hugged the letter to my chest.
There was smoke billowing over the headquarters of Medical Machina in the horizon.
The footsteps started again, but when I looked back I realized...
that I was alone.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Please review, anything would be appreciated.e revie
Thanks.
DeepThoughtsX - thanks for the support I'mglad to have someone who really is willing to read this fic
Crobdan - I think in the beginning I said that he saw two of them everyday... yeah sorry if that was unclear. Thanks for the review
MissGabriel and Elodie- thanks muchos.