Welcome to the newer, better, probably creepier version of Once Again, but under a different title. Here's the sum-up of my writing: I like run-on sentences and commas, and I have no respect for tenses. POV changes at points with no warning.
I must insist that through this chapter, no matter how sane Jenny seems, she is insane.
Disclaimer: I'm not Jhonen. I own Jenny, Mimi, Gigi, Akuma and assorted new names for old voices. Thank you. If I catch you stealing my characters, I will have Jenny cut you to ribbons.
Chapter 1: Start
How did I not realize? Oh yes, of course. THAT WAS THE POINT! The fucking POINT of that… THING was to creep in and slowly do… THIS to me. But why! Why couldn't I be more like my mother! She could make them go away!
The tag on my jacket says, "Hello, my name is… JENNY". It's stupid and issued and I can't change it.
this is the end the break in the bend the closest of calls….
Elevator music.
White halls.
A memory that haunts me, just out of reach.
There are scratches on the walls of this room. I don't know how they got there. This cold dark room that has only one high window to let in just a little bit of light and I can see that my skin is white from being in the dark. What color is my hair? Do I have hair? I try to feel my chest through the jacket. Am I a girl?
Yes, I am, my name is Jenny and that's a girl's name, didn't you know that?
Yeah, I guess I did, but I don't have any breasts anymore I guess that's what happens when they don't feed you you don't eat and the water makes you sick.
How old am I? there aren't any mirrors in this room, why? oh yeah.
They don't want me to crack my fucking head open the stupid fucking fuckers! Fuck like a duck, hahahaa… what in the name of hell is so goddamn funny about that shit?
What was I saying? Oh, never mind for now, there's someone here.
"Jenny, your sister is here."
"Alone?"
"Yes, Jenny."
I stand up and put my face up to the slat in the door so I can see out. There's my sister, alone. Oh God, she looks so much older. Or maybe that's just my mind. "Hello, Mimi."
"Jenny. I came to say good bye."
"Where are you going, Mim?"
"College. I'm eighteen, Jenny."
"Then I must be… what? Twenty?"
"Yes. Happy birthday, bitch."
Oh, now there's no need for such language.
"Thank you, Mimi. Saaay, before you go," for she was about to walk out on my life, "Have you heard from Gigi?"
"No, Jen. Don't you remember? Gigi died years ago. She had a crush on him and jumped off a bridge."
Did that really happen I forget so much nowadays. Yamadochi, isn't it? In Japanese? I remember being young and using Japanese almost as much as I used Spanish. When the fuck was that? When I was fourteen years old? Younger?
TOO MANY GODDAMN QUESTIONS!
"Yeah, Mim…" she was still there, right? "I remember… that was one thing that led to… this…. Am I crazy?" DAMN. There's the questions again.
"Yeah, Jenny. You're crazy," I hear her say before she turns to the doctor. "Please make sure my sister get more human contact. I believe it would be best for her."
"Miss Colt, I can't -" the doctor started.
"I have been study psychology. You WILL let my sister have more interaction with people."
Or did she imagine that? Did the Jenny girl imagine her sister there?
Of course not, Mimi really does like me. Like me, if not love me. She has to, right? She's my sister, damnit! She has to love me! "MIMI DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING LEAVE ME NOW!……
Her imagination again. She didn't say that. Did she?
"MIMI, I'M SORRY! WHATEVER I DID, I'M SORRY!"
She did. Jenny said that! SHIT! SHE'S breaking out! Overriding us, system down! SHITSHITSHIT THISSHOULDN'TBEHAPPENING!
"Doctor… can I leave please?"
"We'll be moving you to a new room tomorrow anyways. NO."
He laughs as he walks away. I remember back to when I first got here. FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO!…….. still, this has been my home for those five years.
"Now, Mizz Jenneh," the psychiatrist with an odd southern drawl said, "We have detected from your visits thait you are the type of patient that locks themselves away from society."
Jenny looked over her shoulder and out the window to see her parents talking to a nurse in the hallway. "Yeah," she turned back to the man, "so I'm a hermit. What's so bad about that? Many teenagers are these days."
"Yes, but you seem to have subconsciously decided that it's wrong," and opened a folder and looked at some notes, "and in retaliation, your miand has created a few illusions for you to interact wieth."
"They're not illusions. They're demons that are trying to make me insane so that I'll take in all the shit that people leave behind and so I'll end up killing off society!"
"Mizz Jenneh, please calm daown,"
Jenny looked over her shoulder again; her mother looked shocked and started crying into her hands. Jenny couldn't hear anything through the sound proof walls. "What has she told them?" she asked, pointing to her family.
"Nothin' tha you need to worry about, Mizz Jenneh." He folded his hands on top of the desk and Jenny sat up a little straighter. "I know you have your delusions and believe in them very much; I've had a lot of patients just like you come in here before. Including that man out there, actually."
Jenny's eyes went wide and she looked over her shoulder just in time to see her father walk her mother towards the exit. "Why are they leaving?"
"Because we want you to stay over night for some observation and I feel it's best if patients don't say goodbye to their family."
"So you say my daddy was crazy?"
"Not as such, Mizz Jenneh. Many years ago, he came into my office and asked about a sleep study we were holding at the time. I axed a few questions and he ended up telling me about some voices he had beien talking to. You must understand, it is not his fault you're here or hearing things."
Jenny had her hands on the edges of the small wooden chair she sat in. Tight grip. Her dyed-pink hair hung straight to a little past her shoulders. She wore thick black eyeliner that made her bright green eyes show up. Jenny's purple-green striped sweater was given to her by her mom's best friend and Jenny's own godmother. Just a day before coming to this place. It was cut ballerina style with the neck line going to the shoulders and the cuffs almost covering Jenny's hands. Jenny tilted her head back, and one would be able to observe that the pink dye was fading to her more natural black. Jenny looks front again, her eyes are brimming with tears. "Doctor…" she looked down. A tear falls past the beauty mark under her left eye that she got when she was five years old and her mom thought she was the prettiest little girl in the world. "Why couldn't I say goodbye to my mom and dad? Did you know my best friend committed suicide, twice, just a couple of weeks ago?"
"Jenneh, your mother iz a very sensative woman. Aall matherz who come in heier are. We cannot allow a mother to taeke her child away from our institution simply becauze she doesn't waont them heier."
Jenny drew her knees up to her chest and mumbled out, "Todd's mother wasn't very sensitive. She was the crazy one, along with his father."
"Come along now, Mizz Jenneh," said the doctor, standing up and walking towards the door of his office. "We have to get you fixed up for the nieght."
I'm slumped against the back of the door. I stare at the padded wall across from me. After that night so many years ago, I think they must have found something wrong with my brain or something.
Hmm.
I don't remember what I did to make Mimi hate me so much. I don't know if I did anything. Mim probably hates me because I practically caused Gigi's death. Not like I could have prevented it, but at some point something is my fault. I could have told her that he was gay. But I think she would have just killed herself sooner. Maybe if she had heard it from him.
Damn her.
How could she be so selfish! Gigi was my one and only connection to the world. And just because the older boy she has a crush on is gay, she thinks life is not worth living! The small French girl that I could easily lift in my arms. So selfish. So lovable. So dead.
I sigh. There is nothing to do in an insane asylum. And now that I'm relatively getting back to "normal", I'm even more acutely aware of how boring it is here.
I've figured out that trick Houdini did. You know, the one where he untied a straight jacket. I contort my hands around the knot in back. A jerk, a pull, a tug, a slide, and the thing almost falls off my shoulders. I lift my arm and wiggle back the sleeves. In the dim light, I see my hands. The fingers are long and skinny and look more like claws than fingers. I suppose that's what comes of no food NOT EATING and not trimming your nails. My nails are dry not drinking enough water the water makes you sick to your stomach so I break them off on the door handle, the only thing in the room that is not padded.
The slat is shut. Guess I won't have to deal with that smart-ass guard for the rest of today. I hope Diana comes by.
She's a nurse and she's very nice. If I've been a good girl, she takes me to the bathroom and holds me up while I look at myself in the mirror. If I ask nicely, she might untie me so I can wash my hair.
For now, I feel the hollows of my collarbone with my right hand. Just lightly, I have no interest in dying. I'm amazed at how deep they are. Suddenly, I drop to the floor omg, it's padded too! and my hands have to hold me up, and my arms are shaking even though they're folded at the elbow. My back hunches and I don't know how or why. But I'm sobbing and crying. I don't PMS, never did. No idea why I'm so upset.
Oh my God.
What has kept me alive for the past five years! I don't eat, and the water makes me sick. By all means, I should have died a couple of years ago. I guess someone wants me to live long enough to get a proper end.
Fat chance.
I'm still crying, I'm rocking back and forth on my knees and holding my shoulders with my arms crossed. My hair falls over my face, exposing my neck. I feel long fingernails trace lightly across the back of my neck and a hand rest at the top of my spine. I don't need this, not now, I don't need her here. I need to be alone. They say I should be around people, and maybe I should, but right now, I need to be alone.
"Not now…" I hear myself whisper as her presence becomes more defined. She knows what happened and that she inadvertently caused it all to happen. She is sorry, I know that. I know all of that.
The shadow of a breath of a thought whispers to the air beneath my ear, "I am so sorry. I never meant this to happen." And I know it is her.
The shadow of a breath of a subconscious thought whispers to the hairs on my neck, "I now only want to comfort you, to make up for my mistake." It's still her.
She obviously didn't hear me. I refuse to speak to her again. I know she won't get any louder. I have a barricade in my mind to block her out.
I suddenly realize that I am dreaming. 'Well, alright,' I say. 'A dream isn't real. It is a reflection of reality in a fun house mirror.'
My shadow lover is here, in all her three forms. In the girl that loved me and died when I couldn't love her back. In the voice that teased me endlessly about it, though never really meaning it. In the non-existent divinity that tried to make it all better.
I do not love any one of them. They are all, in person, the same shadow lover.
I do not physically see her, but she is there, I stand facing her. As real and the jacket I wear, even in my dream.
The shadow of a breath whispers to my lips, "Jenny…"
I feel a head against my chest, light. Not pressing, but there. Reassuring me, even when I know it's all gone to shit, in a completely anti-forceful way. Ever so gentle.
The non-existent presence of an arm around my waist. The hand on the opposite side as the elbow. How gentle she can be, in all her forms.
A hand with tapered fingers and acrylic nails against my bare back. Love. In all her forms, she loves me. At least, she does in my dream.
I wake with a start. I scream. There is only sound in my scream, but to the ears of the insane, I am saying three names at once. They know, they are my people.
I look around. There is another girl in the bed across from mine. She looks asleep. I don't know if she is.
"Hey," I call to her. I'm wearing a new white shirt and new blue jeans. The girl rolls over and reveals herself to be a woman.
"Bonjour," she says and I try very, very, very, VERY hard not to flip out and choke her to death against the wall. Won't explain why, not now.
I succeed. "Um… yeah, good morning and all that. Where am I?"
Despite starting off in French, she speaks with a Russian accent. "You're in a new room. I'm Anna."
"I can see I'm in a new room," I look to the plexiglass windows. "The windows are better. Bigger." I am silent for a minute. "My name's Jennifer, but everyone calls me Jenny."
"It is very nice to meet you Jenny, I am Blaize." She now sounds like a little girl.
I look at her weird. So she has multiple personalities. "So… Anna? Blaize? How many of you are there?"
Her voice comes out deep, like a grown man. "I'm Alex. There's about ten to fifteen people in this body. Depending on how insane we are."
"Wonderful. I get moved from a padded cell with a straight jacket to a room with an insane schizophrenic."
Anna-Blaize-Alex-whoever else has rolled back over for some more sleep. I swing my legs over the edge of my cot-bed and my feet hit cold, smooth, concrete. They are immediately back under my butt. "Floor could be warmer."
"They don't turn on tha heat until seven in the mornin'. No idea how it was in your nice padded cell, lass, but tha dorm rooms are much colda." Irish this time.
"And you are…?"
"Maddie."
"Yeah, mad as I am," I look around some more and notice a mirror on one wall. "Hey, who brought me in here?"
"That nice nurse Diana. She changed you, too." Back to Anna.
"Oh." I pat myself up and down. I am indeed wearing new underwear and an almost-too-big training bra. "That was very nice of her. Does she often come this way?"
"Oui." FUUUUUUCK! She's back the French self again. I practically swallow my pillow when I scream into it.
"Alright…. Sorry about that. Just… don't talk in French anymore, okay? I might kill you. Or molest you, whichever I'm insane enough to do."
It's Anna again. "Alright, sorry. I'll try to get Gigi to be quiet."
In a flash I've pinned the older woman to the wall. It is as hard and cold as the floor. "What the FUCKING HELL did you say!"
"I just said that I would try to get Eponine to be quiet around you!"
I let go of her and slowly walk back to my bed and lie down. But I don't go back to sleep.
About three hours later, the sun comes up and the heat turns on. The floor is warm, so are the walls. There is a little sitting-sill by the window, and I sit on this for a while, letting the sun and walls and floor warm my body. At roughly twenty years old, I can still cry my eyes out and almost kill a complete stranger in the same night.
There is a knock at the door. This door is different. It's still made of heavy steel, but there is a glass-wire window about a foot or so wide and about as tall as my face. It's nice to be able to see more. I walk to that door, curl my fingers on the mini-sill and look into the oh, so kind and motherly blue eyes of Diana. She opens the door and I back away so I won't be hit by it.
"Good morning, Jenny."
I have no words. I start to cry, but only because I am happy. I love seeing this woman. Even if she just waves to me while passing down the hall, I could not go through a day without seeing her.
I hug her around her neck and bury my face into her shoulder, the nurses' coat semi-smooth beneath my skin. I'm too short, so I lift my legs to have them around her waist. There is no eroticism whatsoever meant in my actions, I am simply so incredulously grateful to this woman. She doesn't take more than a second to return my hug and hold me like that for a good three minutes.
I finally let myself down and look at her. "Good morning, Diana."
"Would you like to join me for breakfast?"
Oh, would I! "Of course, I would love to. But…" I feel my eyebrows knot, "am I allowed to do that?"
"You are now, Jenny. You have been moved from the padded cells to the dorms. You have much more freedom now," Diana says as she starts to walk towards the visiting section. "I hope you noticed that there is not only a mirror in your room, but also a separate little bathroom?"
I am so excited. "Really! I didn't notice there was a bathroom!"
"Yes, but Jenny," she and I are walking side by side. Diana is about a foot and a half taller than I am. "You can't use the shower in there without supervision. Whenever you wish to clean yourself, the rules say I have to be in the room with you. I can look away if you like, but I have to be sure you won't go drowning yourself."
"But Diana –"
"No buts. I know you don't want to die, but I could lose my job if I violate the rules like that."
I certainly don't want that. Diana is a wonderful person and an even better nurse. "Diana, who is that woman in the room with me?"
"She is Añastasia. No last name. She came to us about ten years ago, completely insane and switching to a different persona every time she was spoken to. Each and every one of her personalities is somewhat mentally disturbed. If not a shy child urchin from a broken home, then a brutally abusive husband who killed his wife."
"I think I met… four of them today. Including one who spoke French."
"What?" she sounds alarmed.
"You didn't know about this one?"
"We might have to move one of you. Probably you, Jenny." She sees my disappointment. "I'm sorry, Nny, but if we move Añastasia, she could go ballistic. We certainly don't need that."
"It's okay," Jenny's expression became slightly angry, "because if she speaks any more French to me," her expression definitely dark now, "I might pull out her heart," almost evil, "with my bare hands and STICK IT DOWN HER THROAT." She finished with a homicidal gleam in her eyes.
Diana had instinctively held Jenny's hands behind her back at the word 'pull', a reminder of where Jenny would end back up if she ever came near such an act. "Jenny," Diana started, "We're here now."
I wretch my hands from her grasp gently. I open the door to the morning visiting area. It has always been nicely decorated. Not like the visiting rooms in prisons, but nothing near home-like. There is carpet and cushioned chairs at round, fake wood tables. I immediately sit at the closest one, tired from such a long walk. A stick uses a lot of energy to walk and talk down a hall. Have I overlooked mentioning that I was in the padded cell for a good six months?
Oh, and there are no set visiting hours.
Diana lets me rest for a minute. "That was very good, Jenny. But you really don't have to put forth that much effort. You may ask for a cane or a wheelchair any time you feel one is needed."
I smile at her. Then I look down at the table. However, on their way back down, my eyes catch a glimpse of something red-black and slightly curved and pointy. My head snaps back up to stare straight at the horns of the Anti-Christ. "What the fucking hell are they doing here!" I ask Diana, not looking away.
"Todd and Pepito are here to visit with you. You mother could not take the idea of seeing you in this place."
I march over to their table and jump on top of it. I glare at Pepito. "If I wasn't under such close surveillance and had just gotten out of the hell hole that is the padded room, I'd kill you right now."
Even with his extremely weird eyes, he looks at me with a level gaze. "I am sorry, Jenny."
In a swoosh of fabric and a thump and a yell, I've pinned the Anti-Christ under my body, perching with my feet on his chest. "SORRY MY SKINNY MEXICAN ASS! SORRY WON'T BRING HER BACK!" I'm about to choke him, but Todd picks me up. I have no idea how heavy I am. "Todd! Let me at him! He's to blame for all my misery! Let go of me! Put me down!" I'm struggling, trying to get out of his arms.
Todd sits me in a chair next to him and across from Pepito. Diana sits between us. "Jenny," Todd starts, "I'm sorry I brought Pepito with me, but he wanted to see you. I've been wanting to see you, too."
I can't help but smile at him. He's been like a really cool uncle my whole life. "It's nice to see you, too." I see Pepito put a pink box on the table out of the corner of my eye.
"I understand you were put in the padded cell?"
I hang my head. "I don't want to talk about that, Todd."
"Alright, Jenny. But just so you know, they stuck me in one too." I know he wants to comfort me.
Pepito opens the pink cardboard box. "We didn't know what kind you liked, so we got one of everything." The box is full of doughnuts.
I spy with my little eye and snatch up a custard filled. Um… forget what I said to Pepito a minute ago. He's temporarily forgiven. A muttered, grudging "thanks," slips past my lips (never said I would show it) before I eat the pastry slowly, savoring my first taste of real food in what seems like years. I hear Diana scratching away on her note pad and turn to look at her.
"What's wrong, Diana?"
"Oh! Nothing, nothing at all, Jenny! In fact," she turns the clipboard around to show me her notes, "this is fantastic! I'm taking notes on how well you interact with people," she turned it back around, "and the fact that you're eating! That's the most amazing. If we can't get you sane again, at the very least we can get you healthy."
"What do you feed her, Ms. Diana?" Todd asks her.
"Well, what we've at least tried to feed her is along the lines of a balanced diet. You know, meat, greens, and carbs. Normal food."
Pepito let out a laugh. "Ms. Diana, Jenny's family isn't very partial to 'normal' food," he rested his chin in his hands. "Try giving her food she likes. Like doughnuts, apparently."
"Skettios are a good choice too," suggested Todd. "It's to her family what Friday night pizza is to most people."
I finish off my first doughnut and reach in for another, a long one. "Just about anything from Taco Smell, I'll eat."
Diana noted all of this down. "And what about drinks? She won't drink the water we give her."
"Are you kidding, Diana? That water makes me sick! It tastes like something died in it."
"Hmm…" she made a note.
"Try soda. Ginger ale to start, probably," said Todd. "I know that stronger sodas may just cause her stomach to become even more uneasy, so start off with something that is just carbonated water with sugar." Diana jotted down more notes.
I'm surprised I can be around these people so easily, especially Pepito, after what he did. It's not his fault! Because it seems like his fault. Drowning out the idle chitchat, I look towards the door to the visiting area and see a flash of navy blue hair. I don't know if it was him or not.
"Todd, how did you two get here?" I asked, still staring at the door.
"Hmm? I drove. Why?"
So it wasn't. "No reason," I folded my arms on the table in front of me, suddenly very tired. "So… um… Is there anything else you guys wanted to tell me?"
Todd looked at Pepito, who shook his head. "No, not especially. Mimi left for college, but you knew that already."
"Yeah. What about my parents?"
Pepito looked down at the table. "They're… in a tough spot relationship wise. But they're fine!" he added hastily, seeing my expression. "Todd and I visit your dad every day, and your mom moved in with Tenna. Just like the good old days."
"Yeah, okay. Just tell them not to worry about me. Give them all my love, okay?"
"Sure, Jen," says Todd, standing up. Pepito stands up with him and comes around to me and offers a hand.
I bat it away. "I don't want your help, Anti-Christ. You caused my best friend's death."
"I never said anything, Jennifer," the first time I've been called that all day. "I never gave Gigi so much as a hint as to my relationship with Todd."
"But you never gave a reason to believe you weren't attracted to women."
"Pepito… let's go," says Todd, taking Pepito by the arm, "Thank you for your time, Ms. Diana."
"You're very welcome, Todd. Thank you for taking the time to visit Jenny."
I'm still sitting in my chair; they're all standing around me. Todd is such a girl, holding Pepito's arm like that. I've still got my arms crossed in front of me. I rest my chin on my arms and look at them, all so happy. Happy at my progress, yes, but still. I tilt my head to the side and close my eyes. Damnit, I made myself sad.
I wanna go to bed. I'm tired.
I feel a large, solid something on my shoulder and jerk away in surprise. I look up and it's Todd. He looks as if he might have wanted to hug me goodbye. "W-well, we have to go now. See ya."
Wait…!
"Y-yeah, see ya."
Why did you back away! I was only surprised!
Pepito holds the door for him, looking back at me over his shoulder and I can't read his expression because he's not afraid of me and he's protective of Todd and he's surprised or shocked at what I just did and…
WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!
What did I fucking DO to get Mimi mad at me what did I do to make Diana grab my arms like that to upset mommy and daddy to make Todd back away like that tomakePepitolookatmethatwayMAKEDIANASTRAPMETOAWHEELCHAIRONTHEWAYBACKTOMYROOM!
I don't know, so why do they all accuse me? Isn't there some law that protects you from accusation if you don't remember what you did? Well there ought to be if there isn't.
I WASN'T GOING TO HURT HIM!
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER!
…!
My life is full of 'would have's and 'could have's. My mind is full of negatives. But I don't have the tools to process them into positives. I suppose that's what I'm supposed to be getting here.
I relax in the chair and look up at Diana. "Diana… what happened back there?"
She leaves me in the hall for a second so she can open the door to my room. "You displayed some behavior very similar to another patient we had quite some years ago."
"Well, every inmate would at some point, ri – " I stopped. "You're talking about my father, aren't you?"
"Jenny, I… My bond with you tells me that I cannot tell you, for you would become extremely upset, but the records state that you despise being lied to, so I must tell the truth," she wheels me in and closes the door behind her. "I do in fact mean your father."
"The FUCK!" I screech, "I am NOTHING like him!"
I shouldn't have said that. Diana, while a great friend and the most wonderful nurse ever (I owe her so much), does stick to her job. Because I am freshly out of the padded cell, I must be on my best behavior. Because of this outburst and my previous actions towards Pepito, she will have to give me a pill to make me sleep.
I look up at her from my chair, eyes wide with something akin to fear.
If I refuse to take the pill, she will have to give me an injection. I hate those.
"Jenny," she starts, "I am not saying you are like your father. I know that each and every patient at this hospital is different, a special case. I am just saying that the actions were very similar. Now, unless you can give me a good reason why you jumped like that, I'll have to report you." She undoes the restraints on the chair.
"I was just surprised, Diana. I was thinking about that meeting and I suddenly got tired. I felt Todd's hand on my shoulder and it surprised me. That's all."
She puts her hands behind her back, to the back pocket of her uniform, where she keeps the pills. "And the actions against Pepito?"
"I-… you know why I did that."
"But I want to hear it from you."
"I don't want to say."
"I know. But I want you to say."
"And I don't want to, damnit."
"Jenny."
"…… I want to go to bed, Diana."
"Jenny, I'll have to report you. I'm sorry, but you know how it is."
"Yeah, it's okay. I can deal with it," I hold my hand out for the pill. "It'll help me get to sleep faster." She puts it in my hand and I swallow it dry.
"I'll have a meal ready for you when you wake up, okay, Jen?"
"Alright." I lift myself out of the chair and flop onto the bed. My roommate hasn't said a word or made a single move since we entered. I fall asleep and have a dreamless rest.