Chapter 2: DIE BILLIE, DIE!

Kaley: "Why would somebody want to kill me?" (Totally related laughing is heard.)

Karis: "I'm not sure, but if it's anything like the pattern, Alyssa finds you either A) An Idiot, or B) A threat…and she doesn't want to deal with you and is doing one of the things she does best…"

Kaley: "Giving head for $2.50?" (Karis slaps her on the back of the head.) (totally related 'oh's and one 'oh no she di-int!' is heard.)

Karis: "Man, this live studio audience is really starting to piss me off. Anyway, no, one of the things Alyssa is best at is getting rid of unwanted people. If ya know what I mean." (Kaley shakes her head.) "Ugh, it's like what happened to Shannen Doherty."

Kaley: "OH!…who are you again?"

Karis: "Ok, I'm starting to understand why Alyssa wants you dead…do you want my help or not?"

Kaley: "Sure, but why do you want to help me?"

Karis: "Because…(she gets teary-eyed.) I remember when they kicked me off the show and Alyssa had a hit put on me."

Kaley: "Alyssa hit on you? Eww!"

Karis: "Shut up…Just. Shut. Up."

(Dizzy-effect. Oh no, I smell a flashback…or is that pot? Nope, flashback.)

(Karis is sitting in Brad Kern's office. He looks the same, except he doesn't smell like cheap booze and bad negotiations with Satan…I would assume.)

Brad: "I'm sorry Karis, but we have to let you go. The viewers just aren't responding to Jenny very well."

Karis: "B-but you can't! The last time I was let go from a show my mom made me sleep in the basement! Please!"

(Alyssa walks in.)

Alyssa: "Brad I…(She looks at Karis.) Brad—a word please."

Brad: (scared) "Bu-but Alyssa, I-I was just—"

Alyssa: (sternly) "Now." (He gets up and follows her to the corner. Karis watches. Alyssa's making lots of hand gestures. Brad looks like he's about to cry.) "Do it!" (Brad nods and sits back down.)

Brad: "Yes Alyssa,"

Alyssa: (sweetly.) "Thanks Brad, you're an angel. Oh, and Karis. I just heard the news. I'm sorry." (She leaves.)

(Skip ahead a few years. Karis is lying next to a gutter, crying, holding a beer bottle. Some random guy walks by.)

Guy: "A gutter? How cliche!"

(End Flashback…Dizzy-effect out……)

(Karis wipes a tear away.)

Kaley: "O-K…then how come you're not dead?"

Karis: "There are some things worse than death. I haven't had another acting job since I was…'let go'. But that's not half as bad as what happened to the guy who used to play Andy."

Kaley: (scared) "W-what happened?"

Karis: "He's on the soap opera 'Guiding Light' now. Alyssa got him a job there after she kicked him off." (Kaley gasps) "I know, the only reason she didn't kill him was because he had a family. A suspicious, Catholic family. But poor Dorian. Alyssa had him killed the day before season 8 started filming. The cops found his lungs filled with cat litter, and his bones broken from looked like horse hoofs."

Kaley: "Do they have any idea who did it?"

Karis: "Well obviously they know it was Alyssa's handy-work. Ever since they found the body of the girl who was originally supposed to play Phoebe in the parking lot Alyssa's been ruling the WB with a manicured iron-fist. Everyone's just too afraid to do anything because they're afraid she'll fire them."

Kaley: "What ever happened to Shannen? I mean, they hated each other. Shouldn't she be dead?"

Karis: "Alyssa hexed Shannen with a thing called 'The Spiteful-Italians Curse' or 'Milano's Curse'. Whoever is cursed with it will never have a steady job again."

Kaley: "Where are you getting all this information?"

Karis: "I never reveal my sources…I let them reveal themselves." eww (Someone steps out of another thing of shadows.)

Aviva: "I'm her source."

(SMOKE!)

Kaley: "Hey! That one chick who played Aviva…in that one episode! What's your name?"

Aviva: "Aviva. That's what I'm known as now. I get all my information from years of stalking Alyssa. I hide in her closet and watch her as she sleeps while slitting my wrists."

Kaley: "That's creepy. Two Charmed rejects who are so obsessed with their old gig that they still hang around the set."

Karis: "What did you find out Aviva?"

Aviva: "Well, after spying on Alyssa and Brad talking I found out that they in fact want this blonde ho dead. So I followed Brad to see who the assassin is…you're not going to believe this—"

Karis: "Try me,"

Aviva: "He got…Shannen." (totally related gasps)

Karis: "Ok, that's it! I'm callin the cops!" (A bunch of people on a bench behind them get up and run out.)

Aviva: "So what do you think about that Blondie?" (They turn to see Kaley's gone.) "Blondie?"

Karis: "Didn't any of our exposition get through to her?"

(A security guy walks up.)

Security Guy: (into his walkie-talkie.) "Hey Jim, looks like those two Transvestites are back. Over."

Aviva: "Run Away!" (They run around in a circle and crash into each other.)

--.--.

(TCO are sitting in the attic, looking bored. Phoebe throws a dart up. It comes back down and sticks into her forehead.)

Phoebe: (w/ the dart in her head.) "Hey Piper, I have a question."

Piper: (looking up from her copy of Playgirl.) "Don't you always?"

Phoebe: "Yes. But this one has nothing to do with where babies come from or why Santa does porn on the side. How come we didn't just hire Shax to kill Billie? I mean, he did lovely work last time."

Piper: "I don't know. It's just that he was like, an hour late, then he made that huge hole in our wall, and we had to pay to fix it! He's just not very reliable, I mean, I could've killed Prue in a much cleaner way. And we would've gotten it done on time too."

Paige: (looking up from her 'Mustache Weekly') "Wait, didn't we vanquish him?"

(Phoebe gives a 'Omigod-did-you-catch-the-season-finale-of-Desperate-Housewives-last-night?' glance. Then Piper shoots her a 'No-I-hate-that-show.-what-does-that-have-to-do-with-anything?' glance.) "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're freaking joking? We didn't vanquish Shax?"

Piper: "See now, it depends what you mean by vanquish."

Paige: "You're telling me, you had me worrying my ass off the first few months I was here about this big, bad demon we had to vanquish. And now I hear I did all that over-dramatic rhyming for nothing? What the hell is wrong with you two?"

Phoebe: "Lots of things…but what does that have to do with anything?"

Piper: "Paige, calm down. It's not like he came back and tried to kill us."

Paige: "Calm down? Calm down!" (Billie runs in.) "Calming down." (she sits down.)

Billie: (hugging Phoebe) "I can't believe I've been away from you for 10 minutes!"

Phoebe: (muttering) "You seemed fine when it was 10-odd years."

Piper: "Billie, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go play in on-coming traffic in a hooker's outfit?"

Billie: (Nodding) "You did, but there aren't any cars around here and Phoebe is still dressed. So instead I went and cryogenically froze your husband."

Piper: "You did what to my husband?"

Billie: "I'm really sorry Piper, I—"

Piper: "No, I wasn't listening. What'd you say?"

Billie: "Uh n-nothing."

(They all sit in silence…)

Phoebe: "Live-- from New York, it's Saturday Night!" (Piper slaps her.)

(SMOKE!)

Paige: "Has anyone ever told you that you have the intelligence of a six-year old?"

Billie/Phoebe: "No," (Paige shakes her head.)

(Hank appears…in a swirl of Lucky Charms Marshmallows behind Billie. He's holding a baseball bat.)

Paige: "Well it's about time!"

(Before Billie can turn around Hank swings the bat at the back of her legs and breaks them She collapses to the floor.)

Piper: "Oww, that's gotta hurt."

Billie: (Crying) "Ya think!"

(Hank continues beating Billie with the bat until just about all of her bones are broken.)

Billie: (Still crying) "Help me! Please!"

(Hank stops hitting her and pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid. He pours it all over her body. Then he duct tapes a bunch of bottle rockets to her and lights them. The fireworks go off and the sparks light her body on fire.)

Phoebe: "Ooh, pretty fireworks!"

(Paige walks over to the screaming Bimbo and looks down at her.)

Paige: "Ya see Billie, this is what you get for following a complete stranger home and assuming they want you in their family. It basically goes back to when your mom used to tell you 'Never talk to strangers and live in their house and presume they want you eating their food, wearing their clothes, and oh yea, borrowing their Book of Shadows in order to find your most-likely dead sister."

Piper: "Uh, Paige, she's already dead."

(Paige looks down. There's just a scorch mark the shape of Billie's body on the floor.)

Paige: "Hmm, do you think it hurt?"

Hank: "I sure wouldn't want to die like that."

(Later…Paige hands him a roll of money.)

Paige: "Thanks again, even though now our house smells like burnt flesh and bad perfume for all of eternity."

Hank: "What did you expect it to smell like? Roses? " (He turns to see Phoebe kneeling down next to him, staring intently.) "Can I help you?"

Phoebe: (Sweetly) "You are sooo tiny and cute. Like a little doll. I could just eat-you-up!"

Hank: "See, I'd kick you, but seeing as how the last woman who said that was a cannibal, I'll just be going now." (He eyes Phoebe and disappears.)

(Piper wipes her hands off like she actually did something.)

Piper: "Who's up for celebration drinks?"

Paige: "Shouldn't you check up on your kids?"

Piper: "Paige, you really need to lay off the pot. You're imagining things again."

Phoebe: "What about Leo? He hasn't came and asked you for sex in a while."

Paige: "That's what she said!"

Piper: "That doesn't make any sense!"

--.--.

Alyssa: "Kaley!" (She runs up to Kaley who is sitting up in the non-existent attic, looking over her script.)

Kaley: "What's up, Lyss—uh, Alyssa?"

Alyssa: "Well, me and Holly, and those other people feel extremely bad for how we treated you earlier. So, we decided to take you out for drinks after all." (She smiles, but her upper lip twitches.)

Kaley: "Really? That's great Alyssa!" (She hugs her.)

Alyssa: "Sure…see ya." (She walks off.)

(In Brad's office)

Alyssa: "I had to hug that little cretin Brad!" (Shudders) "Her hair smelt like coconut. And you know how much I hate coconut."

Brad: "Why'd you smell her hair?"

Alyssa: (Shrugs) "It's just something I do." (Brad looks at her oddly.) "Shut up! I still don't see why she has to be hammered first. Whoever the hell you hired should be good enough to do it with her sober!"

Brad: "Well…they said it's always a lot more fun when the hit is disoriented."

Alyssa: (Her brain gets a thought. But she thinks its gas.) "That sounds like what Shannen used say about the guys she slept with. Brad, what's the name of the hitperson?"

Brad: (Scared) "Uh, I'm not really a-at liberty to say."

Alyssa: "Brad!" (She pounds her fists on his desk.)

Brad: (Quickly) "Shannen! I got Shannen, okay? I figured, you want someone killed, go to someone with the biggest grudge. Heh, heh."

Alyssa: "Brad, you idiot. You poor, poor idiot. You better pray to Holly or Buddha or Ala or whoever the fuck lives up there, that she does it right. And so help me HollyAlaBuddha, if I see her. I'm going to get you both. Understood?"

Brad: "Y-yes my Queen."

Alyssa: "Who told you to say that?"

Brad: "You did."

Alyssa: (Proudly) "Oh that's right." (She walks out the door but stops and turns around.) "Don't disappoint me Brad. You know what happens to people who get on my bad side." (As she says this flames appear behind her. She turns and leaves and some guy sticks his head in.)

Guy: "Sorry about the flames Brad, we're just practicing backdrops."

Brad: (Still scared.) "Y-yea…sure."

…--…--…

(At some club. Holly, Brian, Alyssa, Rose, and Kaley are sitting at the bar, each has a beer in front of them except for Kaley, who has a few empty bottles around her.)

Alyssa: (Clearly bored.) "Are you drunk yet?"

Kaley: (Drunkenly, she puts an arm around her.) "Getting there…Ya-ya know Alyssa, I don't think you're such a bad person. I mean suuurrrre you'll probably be responsible for the Apocalypse and will deliver the Anti-Christ both on and off the show, but that's tot-ally besides thee point!" (She turns to Rose) "And Rose, even though you suffer from a skin-lightening disease, I think you're ooooo-tay!"

Rose: (uneasily) "Are you hitting on me?"

Kaley: "Heehee, no! And the other 4 of you (she's seeing doubles)…well, the only way I can truly expess how I feel is by not throwing up all over yooou. But I can't make any promises."

Holly: (Whispering to Alyssa.) "You think she's drunk enough?"

Alyssa: "Does her hand on my thigh answer your question?"

…--…--…

(In the back alley. Brian and Rose have left.)

Kaley: "Hey! Hey guys! Watch dis!" (she runs into the wall.) "Ya see the stars and birdies! Twinkle, Twinkle, hee hee…" (She bends over and throws up.)

Holly: "Uh huh, that's nice Kaley!" (to Alyssa.) "Where the hell is she?" (Alyssa shrugs.)

(Shannen walks out from the shadows holding a gun.)

Shannen: "Sorry I'm late, I got lost."

Alyssa: (Crossing her arms) "Skip the chit-chat Doherty, just do what you've been paid to do."

Shannen: "Alright, but I don't see your dad anywhere."

Alyssa: "What?"

Shannen: "Oh, I'm sorry…I thought you said 'just do who you you've been paid to do!'"

(ARE YOU SMOKING YET?)

Alyssa: "Oh! Na ah! Its on now bitch!" (She runs at Shannen but Holly stops her.)

Holly: "Save it until after Kaley's dead!"

Kaley: (Lying down by a gutter.) "What?"

(Aviva and Karis run out from the shadows.)

Holly "Who else is back there!"

Alyssa: "Who are you two freaks?"

Aviva: "Don't you remember me, Phoebe? It's me, Aviva!"

Alyssa: "O-k, I'm not Phoebe, and you're a moron."

Karis: (to Aviva) "You're Mormon?…either way, no one's going to Kill Billie!"

Holly: (suddenly clicking) "Omigod! It's that Jenny girl! What the hell!"

Shannen: "Everyone just shut up!" (She shoots Karis and Aviva to death then uses her powers and throws them into the brick wall. Wait a minute…)

Kaley: "Wait, please don't kill me…whoever you are!"

Shannen: "Do you even know who I am?"

Alyssa: "Didn't 'whoever you are' indicate that she doesn't? Duh."

Shannen: "Shut up! I'm SHANNEN DOHERTY, dammit!"

Kaley: "Who?"

Shannen: "I was in MALL RATS!" (She pulls out a machine gun and shoots at Kaley, who is still lying on the ground.) "Shannen-Fucking-DOHERTY! Ahhhhhh!" (She's shaking like crazy. Then when the gun runs out of bullets she starts beating Kaley even though she's already dead. Mice run up and start chewing on her hair.)

Alyssa: "Whoa, Shannen's totally lost it."

Holly: "I think it started when you kicked her off the show."

Alyssa: (She gets an idea.) "I think I can solve that."

...--...--…

(A few months later on the show.)

(Phoebe, Paige, and Piper run up into the non-existent attic and to the BOS. Instead of the podium holding it up Prue is squatting with her arms holding the Book straight up.)

Piper: "Okay, since Billie mysteriously 'disappeared' we don't have anyone to scope out the demons for us. So, Phoebe, you and Paige start on the vanquishing potion and I'll search for the spell." (Phoebe and Paige nod and walk off.)

Director: "Cut! Great job you three. Welcome back Shannen."

Shannen: "Thanks,"

Alyssa: "Aren't you glad I let you come back Shannen?"

Shannen: (Stands up.) (Sarcastically.) "Yea, thanks Alyssa. I owe you one."

Holly: "See, it's just like the good ole days. Group hug!" (All four of them hug. Alyssa shrieks in pain. Someone pulled her hair.)

Shannen: "It was Rose…"

END….

Mwhahahaha! Didja guys like it? If you're wondering how come every so often it said "SMOKE!" then "ARE YOU SMOKING YET?" it's because those are subliminal messages I stole from Family Guy. Mwhahahaha! Later…

Nicole/Shannen