or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"
by tikitikirevenge.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses.
The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby).
Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.
STORY 4
"Painful to think about"
"Well, well, well," said Mewtwo. "What a… surprise to see you here."
Pikachu whimpered in fear.
"So you're the one who's been spying on me," said Mewtwo. "Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you."
"Pika!" yelped Pikachu.
"What?" said Mewtwo.
Pikachu said something which roughly translated to "please don't kill me".
"You deserve it," said Mewtwo, and used its psychic powers to fry Pikachu's brain like a drop of water in an exploding reactor silo.
Mewtwo inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. Now nobody would ever know of its evil plans to build a rocket ship to go to the moon and be an astronaut and see all the beautiful stars in the sky up close (1).
"La dum di la…" sang Dark Matter absent-mindedly as it possessed lots of people and made them perform the cancan for hours on end. "Can, can, can we do the… hullo, what's all this, then?"
Dark Matter had stumbled upon Kirby having a light snack (aka. King Dedede's castle).
"Wha-?" said Kirby. "Oh, it's Dark Matter! Do you want some candy?" He held up a large marshmallow in invitation (2).
"Oh, yes, please," said Dark Matter eagerly.
"Then I must kill you," said Kirby, "because I will never let you have my food! MY FOOD!"
"What about the whole good vs. evil thing?" said Dark Matter.
Kirby considered it. "Yeah, I suppose that too." He grabbed a Star Rod which he had been using to crack open coconuts, and started shooting stars at Dark Matter.
Needless to say, Dark Matter was very angry about this, so it shot a red, glowing disk of energy at Kirby, which missed and landed in front of Kirby.
"Ooh," said Kirby, stopping his relentless assault to stare at it, "shiny."
While Kirby pondered the philosophical implications of this, Dark Matter stole away.
When it walks among them, they give it a wide berth. Mewtwo appreciates this as it saves Mewtwo the trouble of blasting them out of the way.
On this particular planet, all kinds of life forms mingle. Floating eyeballs, anthropomorphic (3) turtles, humans, and both kinds of Starman roam the streets. Mewtwo's path is clear… its presence intimidates.
"Hey!" shouted a slightly hyperactive Chikorita, "give me glucose!"
Mewtwo looked at the Chikorita bemusedly for a second, and then threw it clear across the district without moving a finger. (4)
"It becomes dreadfully dull," said Dark Matter, "when I play the 'ultimate force of evil' role day in, day out."
The Waddle Dee who he had cornered nodded frantically.
"So I think I need to find some way to show that I am loving, compassionate…"
"Hey, you!" shouted Mewtwo, knocking down a few walls. "Are you torturing that innocent Waddle Dee without my approval?"
"Maybe?" said Dark Matter, who was slightly confused. (5)
"Well," said Mewtwo, "maybe you should get my approval first!"
"Insert charming and witty line here," said Dark Matter.
Unnaturally, they fell in love.
While no religious or bureaucratic institution would willingly marry two genderless villains, Mewtwo managed to mind-control a couple of random people into making it legal. (6)
Finally able to rest, they stopped at a beautiful place on Pop Star, where they discussed whether it was possible to splice their DNA in a non-artificial way.
"We're going to need little Dark Matter-Mewtwo creatures to continue our evil work when this is all over," said Mewtwo.
"Right then," said Dark Matter.
"Shiny…" said Kirby, who hadn't moved from that spot for several years, so entranced he was by the shiny, glowing disk. (7)
Please review. All compliments, comments and/or complaints will be ignored.
FOOTNOTES
1) Well, the stars are rather beautiful this time of year.
2) It is, generally speaking, a bad idea to accept an offer of food from Kirby, because he is very sensitive about the subject of food.
3) Big words are fun!...
4) …as is telekinesis.
5) Possibly a side affect of the absurdity of this entire work of fiction. Fiction, I stress.
6) Wondering why they decided to marry when they generally have no respect for the law, and marriage is at most a means of affecting how the law treats one? Well, this is what is known as a "plot hole". These are frequent in romance stories. Actually, these are frequent in all genres, but the previous sentence looked as if it was proving my point.
7) Well, it was rather shiny…
The character Dark Matter originates from the Kirby games. It is a large body of dark (surprising, eh?)… well, matter. It has the unfortunate habit of possessing people for purposes such as global domination. Not much else to say. He has a definite appearance in Kirby's Dreamland 3 and Kirby 64, and some say that he is behind strange occurrences in other Kirby games.