or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"
by tikitikirevenge.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses.
The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby).
Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.
STORY 5
"Girls will be Protagonists"
The heroes and villains and everything in between who were known as the Smash Brothers and were often described in long sentences which rambled and often failed to use any grammatical tools like punctuation at all and very rarely were described in this manner while still being grammatically correct by a super powerful super intelligent author who was also handsome and modest were very bored after having been to subjected to a sentence like this which was about ten times longer.
"Whoa, that was boring," commented one of the kids, Popo, as he and his girlfriend and/or sister and/or mother, Nana, led him out of the auditorium by a leash.
"Yes, it was," said Ness. He was certainly the smartest of all the kids (and quite possibly of the adults). "Even with my mind-reading powers and well-founded understanding of the correct usage of the English language, I still can't understand what Master Hand was droning on about."
"Is that why you started pinching me?" demanded Young Link.
"I told you," said Ness, "it wasn't me, it must have been another telekinetic person, like… like… Mewtwo. Yeah… Mewtwo."
"The Pokemon who Master Hand sent back home yesterday?" said Young Link. "I guess that must be the culprit."
Ness smiled secretly; in fact, Mewtwo would have no reason to pinch Young Link. It had been Ness – he'd won! He'd won!
All of the kids slumped to the ground simultaneously.
"I'm bored," said Popo.
"Agreed," said Ness, Nana, Young Link, and Kirby.
Nana and Ness turned around. "Kirby! You're not a kid!"
"Am too," protested Kirby, raising a hand weakly, and then slumped to the ground with them, quite bored.
"Well, what should we do?" said Young Link.
Kirby said, "We could try playing on your GameCone™ (1)-"
"NO!" shouted Young Link. "It's mine! All mine!"
"So why do you only have multiplayer games on it?" said Popo.
Young Link sulked.
"We could try eating stuff," suggested Kirby.
"I don't like that idea either," said Young Link.
"I know!" said Kirby, trying hard not to save face (3), "we could invite some friends over!"
"Hey," said Ness, "that's a good idea! I'll invite my Oriental friend Poo over!"
"We can get that condor who made our lives a living torment to come along," piped up Nana. Popo made a 'not surprised' face.
"I could get Zelda to come over!" said Young Link.
"But Zelda is already here," said Kirby.
"Oh," said Young Link, his face falling. Not wanting to be the only one to end up unhappy, he added, "Nana, that condor idea sucks."
"Hey!" exclaimed Nana angrily (4), "that's mean!" Realising that she might as well bring Ness down with her, she added, "Don't invite evil Oriental people! They're… evil! (5)"
"But then who do I invite?" mused Ness, determined not to feel bad. "I know, I'll invite Paula!"
"Ooh, a girl," said Nana. "That would be a welcome change-"
"For the record, she's psychic," added Ness hastily.
"Psychic?" spluttered Nana. "That's… so crude! Because psychics are cheaters!" She started to froth at the mouth, and started pointing at Ness, waving her arms furiously. "CHEATER! CHEATER!"
"Uh," said Kirby, "would now be a bad time to suggest inviting Gooey or Mirror World Kirby?"
Nana, Ness, Popo, and Young Link all glared at him.
"Heh," said Kirby quickly. "Heh. I was joking… I'll just invite…"
And it was under circumstances like these that Ness' friend, Paula, and Ado/Adeline, some random acquaintance who Kirby had thought of in a moment of indecision, found themselves invited to (and at) the luxury grounds of Master Hand's private abode, the 'Smash Mansion'.
Which, of course, he was sharing with the Smash Brothers. Otherwise, that would just be rude trespassing, and he would probably do that laser-tipped fingers trick.
Of the two girls who had been invited, Adeline arrived first. She entered the halls of the Smash Mansion and stopped.
"This place is kind of nice," she said, taking in the million dollar golden window curtains which, for some inexplicable reason, were being used as a rug.
"Hi!" cried Kirby, dashing from a side hallway to meet her. "Adeline! It's been a while! Nice to see you! Uh, gotta go!"
He dashed off. Several angry-looking people Adeline didn't recognise appeared, giving chase and shouting things like "the last tub of ice cream" and "oh goddess he ate my fingernails".
Adeline shrugged. Kirby was a little bit silly like that. People didn't get along well with him when he did stuff like that.
Humming quietly, she pulled an easel out from behind her back and started to paint a frock for herself that wasn't such an awful shade of turpentine green.
Perhaps it was around that time that Ness' friend Paula arrived.
"This place seems okay," she said, taking in the amazing architecture, the satin ribbons hanging loosely from the front door (why? I DON'T KNOW!) and the marble statues of Master and Crazy hand placed symmetrically in the garden.
And the diamond studded clock-tower. We can't forget the diamond-studded clock tower. (8)
"Anybody home?" called Paula. After a pause of about three milliseconds, she decided to use her psychic powers to find everyone.
"Hello?" she called out.
"Hey, Paula," bethought Ness from somewhere afar. "Glad to see you could make it!"
"Where are you?" asked Paula. "And where do I go now?"
"Master Hand, our host, has a room for you on the second floor of the mansion. You take the staircases and- OH GIGYAS, HE JUST ATE MY FREAKING TRADEMARK BASEBALL CAP! Uh… gtgbrbluvNessxxx!"
Paula shrugged and, because things could easily get boring, went into the Smash Mansion.
"Uh, oh," said Kirby, noticing for the first time that roughly thirty people were angrily chasing him. "Did I do something?"
The angry mob chased him faster, so Kirby decided that maybe he shouldn't stick around to ask questions.
"AAAAAAH!" he screamed, waddling through the house as fast as his legs would take him. "Someone help! Someone help!"
"He ate my FINGERNAILS!" shouted Link from behind him.
"And my GameCone™!" shouted Young Link.
"And my slave- serf- domestic help- boyfriend!" screamed Nana.
Ness had joined the frantic race to catch Kirby relatively late, so he was near the back of the mob. "My cap! He stole my cap!"
"Uh, you're lying!" said Kirby, waddling through the dining room, and eating Yoshi on his way through, "I didn't take anything but nice, edible food!"
"Would that food include Popo?" demanded Nana from three centimetres behind him.
Kirby's eyes widened and he quickened his pace dramatically…
…so dramatically, in fact, that he crashed straight through a wall and right into the main hall of the Smash Mansion, knocking Paula over.
"Oops," he said. "I-"
Whatever Kirby had been about to say will sadly never be known, as at this moment, a gigantic mob burst through the hole in the wall, crushing him and Paula.
"AUGH!" shrieked Paula, who had been crushed by events described in the preceding sentence.
"Interesting," noted Adeline, who had observed all this from the comfortable distance of, oh, about a hair's breadth. She stopped painting herself a clean frock and started to paint a lovely medical kit, or perhaps a 1UP. (9)
Later, once the majority of the people in the Smash Mansion weren't dead, everyone was enjoying the lovely meal that is known as dinner, tea-time, supper, and in some remote regions, Wednesday.
"Ah, dinner," contemplated Master Hand, who was at the end of the long table that spanned the dining hall. "The best time to tell bad news."
"Bad-a news?" wondered Mario. "Is there-a bad news?"
"Nooo…" said Master Hand, "it's just a, uh, an idiom. It's a very common idiom at that."
"I don't know…" said Samus, also suspicious.
"Well, it's the TRUTH!" shouted Master Hand hysterically. "There is no bad news! You're all paranoid! There's no substance to these claims! Leave me alone! By the way, Luigi was run over by a truck!" He sped out of the room, singing random excerpts from jazz staples as he did so. (10)
"Well," said Mario, "things could be a lot worse."
The people at the far end of this table paid no notice to this exchange. Perhaps they hadn't noticed – after all, it was a long, long table – but whatever the case, they weren't concerned at all.
Adeline and Kirby were catching up with each other.
"So, what have you been doing?" said Kirby.
"Painting, making friends, living happily, stuff like that," said Adeline.
Silence.
"What have you been doing, Kirby?" asked Adeline.
"Uh, eating people," said Kirby.
"Oh," said Adeline.
"So," said Kirby.
"So," said Adeline.
"So," said Kirby.
"Well…" said Adeline.
"So," said Kirby.
"I think that-"
"So," said Kirby.
"-that this place is nice, don't-"
"So," said Kirby.
Adeline became rather annoyed and decided to talk to someone else.
Across the table, Popo and Ness were discussing gaming consoles while Ness simultaneously telepathically conversed with both Mewtwo and Paula, the latter of whom was talking with Nana, who was whipping Popo with a whip.
"So, how do you know Ness?" said Nana.
"Well," said Paula, "I was living peacefully in my home town of Twoson when I sensed that Ness was coming to meet me. Then I got kidnapped, and then Ness came and I gave him a badge engraved with ancient Sad-Sad runes. Then he came back after a few days and rescued me."
"Why didn't he save you when he first saw you?" wondered Nana.
"I dunno," shrugged Paula.
Nana shifted in her chair, being somewhat uncomfortable, and decided to shift the conversation to matters with which she was familiar. "So, do you like beating up guys?"
That evening was one of dusk and sunset. And, in case you were after something more poetic, pain and… joy. (Antonyms seem a bit more natural, don't you think?)
The next day, Adeline was showing off her painting skills to Ness.
"Wow," said Ness, watching as she painted him a new baseball cap which materialised straight out of the canvas, "that's amazing."
"Yeah, I guess," admitted Adeline somewhat shyly.
"So, what else do you do with your time?" inquired Ness.
"Not much," said Adeline.
"Hey, Ness," said Paula, walking in. "Hi… I'm sorry; I don't know your name…?"
"Adeline," said Adeline.
"I'm Paula," said Paula.
"Nice to meet you, Paula."
"Nice to meet you, Adeline."
Ness became bored and threw himself out of a nearby window, leaving Paula and Adeline to their own devices.
"Hi," said Adeline brightly.
"Hi," said Paula reservedly.
"We're both girls," noted Adeline.
Paula nodded, having noticed.
"So…" said Adeline.
Captain Falcon ran through the room, naked and hysterical, chased by a pack of rabid Yoshis.
"What do we do now?" said Paula.
"May I show you my magical painting skills?" offered Adeline.
"I'd be delighted," replied Paula graciously.
"JOLLY GOOD," said Crazy Hand, who then overdosed on tomato sauce and collapsed.
Kirby found Ness unconscious on the lawn.
"What happened to you?" he asked.
"Ugh…" moaned Ness. "Threw…"
"Threw what?" asked Kirby somewhat impatiently.
Ness used his psychic powers to convey to Kirby that he had suddenly and illogically decided to throw himself from a window.
"Oh," said Kirby. He pulled out a tomato from behind his back. "Here, have a Maxim Tomato. It'll make you feel heaps better."
"Gee, thanks," said Ness. He bit into the tomato, and instantly, all his bruises and fatal injuries were healed. (11)
"Anything to help a friend," replied Kirby kindly.
"Thanks, Kirby, you're the best," smiled Ness. "Let's check up on our friends."
Ness and Kirby headed back into the Smash Mansion and towards Paula and Adeline.
"Don't be too afraid of the dark," added Marth, who was hiding behind a door.
They reached the room where Ness had left Adeline and Paula too their own devices – and found a horrifying sight!
"Oh Gigyas," whispered Ness, mortified.
Kirby was equally shocked. "Oh. My. Fodder."
Adeline was leaning over Paula in an awkward position, teaching Paula how to paint!
Meanwhile, on Lylat, a dog ate a dog.
"What?" Ness shouted, recovering. "Paula! How could you learn to paint?"
"I… I…" Indeed, Paula seemed as shocked as the boys.
"Did I do something wrong?" asked Adeline.
"YES!" shouted Ness. "Paula's mother asked me to keep her away from paint!"
"Uh… and with all that paint used up," added Kirby helpfully, "I have nothing to snack on".
"Sorry," said Adeline. "I didn't know."
"Sorry," said Paula, "it was just so tempting."
"Can we at least draw with graphite?" ventured Adeline. "I have pencil sharpeners to make shaving with."
"Sure," said Ness. (12)
Later, that evening, after everyone had had fun drawing, Paula said, "I love drawing."
(Little did she know – drawing loved her right back.)
"I love food," said Kirby, satiated.
"How wonderful," said Ness. "I love Adeline."
"I love- WHAT?" said Adeline.
"Uh…"
Over the course of the next thirty seconds, a series of misunderstandings worthy of the Bard Himself led to everyone setting themselves on fire.
Kirby inhaled their bodies, then, slowly, sadly, walked away. (13)
So as you can see, boys and girls, romance never works out. So if you ever fall in love, poison yourself with marshmallow overdose to save the trouble.
END OF STORY
Questions? Suggestions? Flames? Sure, you could review, but what about hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum?
FOOTNOTES
1) In a different story, I described the GameSpheroid™, a high-powered gaming console. The GameCone™ would be its predecessor. You know, kind of like how the GameRegularHexahedron™ is better than the EnSixtyFour™ (2)?
2) Yes, I'm trying to avoid using copyrighted names here. Why, you ask, am I doing this when I'm already using en-eye-en-tee-ee-en-dee-oh™ characters? Well, uh… READ ALL MY STORIES OR I'LL BURN DOWN YOUR PARENTS! I meant, house. Not your parents. Your house.
3) You would have been embarrassed too if two of the most loudly-voiced ideas you'd ever had were shot down within seconds. Not that I'd know. Certainly, this doesn't happen to me every minute of my life. I don't know why I even brought this up. Honestly.
4) …and hitting Young Link while no-one else was looking…
5) No offence intended to Oriental people, half-Oriental people, or people who like Oriental people (or, for that matter, to Nintendo, who I've probably embarrassed by paying homage to its games). Unless said people would include a certain extremely ugly individual who may or may not be the author "hoogiman" (6) and doesn't deserve to be my brother.
6) …who is also Irish and Austrian and Martian and Johovian and, well, Miyamoto knows what else. (7)
7) No blasphemy intended. Not, of course, that I would be deifying someone on the basis of having done a tiny bit of work for Nintendo.
8) What? Master Hand rich? What makes you think I'm trying to imply that?
9) I feel that the 1UP is important enough to the rich history of the universe that a special mention should be made of it here. In fact, one of my next stories shall be dedicated to it.
The 1UP has single-handedly – or is that single-1UP-edly (get it? observes blank stares around him Oh, never mind) – changed the lives of those people who have died and been able to invoke its powerful properties to avoid having to pay extra money for a 'continue' or getting a game over screen or something else and also on a side note punctuation is evil.
10) Bad news? What bad news? Nobody likes-a Luigi, anyways.
11) …granted, they weren't exactly fatal, then.
12) "Thanks!" said Paula.
"Don't you need to use pencils to draw, though?" asked Ness.
"We can make do with sharpeners," said Adeline. "Perfectly possible."
"But I've got a pencil right here, if you need it!"
"Well, we don't," snapped Paula.
Kirby ate all the sharpeners, but then gave them many marker pens.
Everyone rejoiced.
13) WTF did I just write?
The character Adeline (a.k.a. 'Ado') originates from the Kirby games. In Kirby's Dreamland 3, she gets possessed by the evil Dark Matter and uses her magical paintbrush to paint nasty creatures which attack Kirby. In Kirby 64, she gets possessed by the evil Dark Matter and uses her magical paintbrush to paint nasty creatures which attack Kirby. Anything she paints comes to life (presumably the reason she has steered clear of abstract styles).
The character Paula originates from the Earthbound games. She is a far better fighter than Ness, enjoys hitting people with frying pans, and, of course, has psychic powers. She and Ness are probably around ten years old.