DR WEIRDLOVE
or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"
by tikitikirevenge.

This particular chapter was inspired both by the E3 trailer for SSBB, and the fact that there's a new character, Zero Suit Samus.

At first, I wasn't sure whether Samus and Zero Suit Samus were different people. Sure, it was made blindingly obvious in Metroid: Zero Mission, but then I realised – they must be different! Otherwise, Mario and Dr Mario would be the same person, and that would make lots of stories out there completely wrong and travesties!

Anyways, that's how this chapter was inspired. Just thought you'd all like to know.

STORY 6
"A Question of Identity"

It was that time when Master Hand showed new tournament entrants around the Smash Mansion.

He was doing that.

"Welcome to… the Smash Mansion!" said Master Hand.

"Wow!" said Pit. "I thought I would never make it!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "That it because you only have a tiny, tiny following that can best be described as a cult following! Only people from popular game franchises, like Ness and Mr Game & Watch, get to be part of SSB!"

"Wow," said Zero Suit Samus. "This is such an exciting place!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "It is such an exciting place for everyone! You will all have such a good time here!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "I am glad to be here for the third Super Smash Brothers Tournament! It is so exciting!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "Exciting!"

"Wow!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Exciting!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "Exciting! Exclamation mark!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Exciting! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Eleventy-one!"

They went inside.

A few people were inside the Smash Mansion to great the new Smash Brothers.

"Hey-a, there," said Mario.

"Welcome," said Link.

"Nice to meet you all," said Samus.

"Hey-a, there," said Dr Mario.

(Okay, I need to make this clear straight off – Mario and Doctor Mario are different people! IT'S SOOO OBVIOUS IN THE GAME! Clearly, they have different stories and stuff. All you noobs who think that Dr Mario is the same thing as Mario is a noob. Just like Zero Suit Samus and Samus are so obviously different people! Otherwise, like, why would there be a character?
Duh.)

"Hi, there," said Zero Suit Samus.

Samus stared at Zero Suit Samus for a long, hard, moment, and then said, "WTF?"

"I'm Zero Suit Samus," said Zero Suit Samus.

"But… but…" said Samus.

"Nice-a to meet you," said Mario and Dr Mario at the same time.

"But… but…" said Samus.

"Hi, there," said Kirby, waddling up. "I'm here to keep a running commentary on people's relationships, and stuff. Just ignore me."

"You… you…" said Samus.

"I'll-a show you to your room-a," said Mario to Zero Suit Samus.

At Zero Suit Samus' room…

"How did you know where my room is?" said Zero Suit Samus.

Mario tried to think of an answer, but couldn't, so he ran away.

"Huh," said Zero Suit Samus.

Silence.

Mario ran back, bearing flowers.

"Wow," said Zero Suit Samus. "Thanks, Mario, that's really sweet of you."

"Aw-a," said Mario, blushing, "it is-a nothing."

Kirby, who was hiding behind the door, whispered, "Well, it looks as if some sparks of romantic interest are building between Mario and Zero Suit Samus! We'll have to watch closely to see this romance build up over the story!"

Samus was still standing just inside the front door of the Smash Mansion, looking completely shocked.

"I'm so confused," she said.

"She looks just like you," said Dr Mario.

"How did you know what I look like without my helmet?" said Samus.

Dr Mario tried to think of an answer, but couldn't, so he ran away.

"Huh," said Samus.

Silence.

"Wow," said Samus. "Dr Mario… that's really sweet of you. Thanks."

"Oh-a," said Dr Mario, blushing, "it was nothing."

Kirby said, "Ooh, it looks as if Samus and Dr Mario have also simultaneously developed a romance. That's because they're all so different. Yep, Dr Mario and Mario are definitely different people."

Samus and Dr Mario looked at him weirdly.

"Uh, gotta go," said Kirby, running away.

That night, Master Hand hosted a feast in order to celebrate the arrivals of the new Smashers.

"Congratulations to all the new Smash Brothers!" he said.

"That's it?" said Link. "I thought there'd be more…"

"That's all there is in the trailer!" said Master Hand, "and thus it must be completely accurate and all-encompassing!"

Pit flew in through the window.

"Wow!" said Zelda. "An angel!"

"Yes, ma'am," said Pit courteously. "You look like a kind, gentle lady."

"And you look like a dashing angel," said Zelda.

"Wow!" said Popo. "An angel!"

Insert ZeldaXPit fic here.

Sadly, Pit died. Zelda was heartbroken and killed herself in a very angst-y way.

One month later…

"Well, it looks as if nothing's happened between the Marios or the Samuses since last month," commented Kirby to himself, as he sat in the garden. "I guess nothing will ever happen between them. What a waste of a story."

"Hey-a, there," said Mario, walking up to Kirby. "Have-a you seen-a Zero Suit Samus?"

"No," said Kirby. "Why?"

"Well-a," said Mario, "I do believe I am in love with her!"

"Aw, how sweet," said Kirby. "It looks like I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?" said Mario.

"Uh… stuff," said Kirby.

"Hey-a, there," said Dr Mario, coming into view. "How-a are you two?"

"We are-a good," said Mario.

"Yep," said Kirby.

"I am-a looking for Samus," said Dr Mario.

"Oh," said Kirby. "I'm afraid I haven't seen her, either."

"A pity," said Dr Mario.

"Yes, a pity," echoed Mario.

"It's amazing how different you two are," said Kirby.

"Oh, really?" said Mario and Dr Mario together.

"Yeah," said Kirby, rubbing his chin in thought. "You look so alike, yet you both have completely different personalities."

"That is quite-a true," said Mario and Dr Mario at the same time. "We do things very differently."

"It's so easy to tell you apart, even without the costumes," said Kirby, "because you are so very different people."

"Interesting insight you have-a there, Kirby," said Mario and Dr Mario simultaneously. "But we-a must be going."

"Oh," said Kirby, looking slightly glum. "Well, ciao, then."

"What kind of person says-a 'ciao'?" wondered Mario and Dr Mario coincidently, as they both walked off.

Zero Suit Samus and Samus walked up. "Hey, there Kirby," they both said in unison.

"I'm not going through that conversation again!" said Kirby angrily, walking off in a sulk.

Samus and Zero Suit Samus glanced at each other and shrugged identically.

Later that night, as Mario was settling in to sleep, Zero Suit Samus carefully knocked on his door and entered his room.

"Hello-a, there," said Mario, who was most surprised.

"How are you?" she said.

"Okay-a," said Mario.

"I have feelings for you," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Oh," said Mario. "What a coincidence. I do too."

"You have feelings for you, too?" said Zero Suit Samus, puzzled.

"No, I meant that I have feelings for you, too," said Mario, blushing at his error.

Zero Suit Samus was still confused. "But I don't have feelings for me."

There was an awkward silence.z

Mario explained: "Well, you see, I suppose that what I was trying to say is that whereas you have feelings for me, I harbour feelings for you, and that these feelings are… symmetrical, that is the word-a. And thus these symmetrical feelings are quite coincidental and thus we may begin to become romantically involved with each other, provided that I have no feelings for myself unlike you, and that, unlike me, the feelings you have are for me, not you."

There was an awkward silence.

"Iggle jig piggly juff!" (Jigglypuff loves you all!) said Jigglypuff.

"What are you doing in here?" said Zero Suit Samus.

Jigglypuff ran out, looking lovestruck.

Here's a mental exercise: read the above passage again, but replace "Mario" with "Dr Mario" whenever you see it, and get rid of all the "Zero Suit"s.

There, I didn't have to type anything, and it's just as good.

They all lived happily ever after, for a while.

Two months later…

So now Mario and Zero Suit Samus were in love, and so were Samus and Dr Mario.

But then bad stuff happened.

To begin with, Zero Suit Samus became curious and started sneaking out with Dr Mario just to compare the Dr and the original. And even as Dr Mario was cheating on Samus with Zero Suit Samus, Samus and Mario were both cheating on each other despite never having been an item, presumably because of the zany antics of Young Link, which aren't very important to this story. Then, Samus became angry with Dr Mario for being so cruel, and she started making an open affair of her relationship with Mario. Mario eventually dumped her after he realised that Samus and Zero Suit Samus were almost exactly the same. The Mario decided to cheat on Samus and Zero Suit Samus with Dr Mario, turning the story into the weirdest yaoi fic ever. Zero Suit Samus and Samus decided to exact their revenge by doing similar stuff, and Kirby died of a stroke trying to narrate.

END STORY

If you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), and leave some suggestions.
Insert the inveitable "READ AND REVIEW!".