"You can deal with what Scully?"
What do I tell him? That I can deal with just his existence in my life for only this one moment, if it's a method to render this exhausting madness that I live within? That I can deal with the horrid nightmares every night, knowing that I could have his strength in my awakened hours? That the sound of his protective voice is the only thing that shields me from the torrid of voices that occupy my mind daily? If he's there to comfort my weakest moments…with just one more touch then I could deal with it. Or do I tell him the truth that I can't go on like this. I can't go on not knowing what I could truly experience with him. Do I tell him that it's killing me inside to only have portions of his being and not knowing if he even wants me to have that much more? Do I tell him he's like a leech sucking my very spirit from within me? Do I tell him that I can deal with this because subsequently I'm just going to leave in the end, but that I need something from him that no other man will be able to give me in this lifetime?
"I can deal with this..." I eventually end up walking over to him reaching my hand up and lightly finger his hair.
"…Scully." He looks confused.
"I can deal with this..." My fingers are traveling down the side of his face lightly outlining his ear.
"This is not what you need Scully. This isn't right. Come here lets sit on the bed and talk about this." He brags me back into the bedroom.
My fingers haven't left his body; I'm gazing at each element that composes his essence, as they are rendered under my touch. Halfway through his speech I find my fingers across his lips.
"Why are you trying to deny what I intend?"
"What is it that you are intending Dana?"
Dana? Did he just call me Dana? Does he really think it will be that easy? To throw my first name out there like some kind of bait.
"That won't rein me in or shut me down Mulder." I speak to him flatly. He's eyes go wide; I know I've entrapped him.
"Lay down." I instruct him. Amazingly he does so without hesitation.
"Scully?" He says my name with so much uncertainty behind it.
"Shhh, just let me deal with it." I tell him before placing my lips tenderly over his. Instantly, I'm taken to that place of tranquilly where everything is right, perfect, and blissful. A world where daddy and Melissa are still alive, Mulder's sister Samantha was never taken and I don't feel as thought I'm addicted to some drug that I don't remember taking. As suddenly as I am there I'm gone and his lips part from mine. There goes that feeling of not having the ability to breathe again.
Can I handle it and then quit it?