CHAPTER XIII
The soldier laid still on his bed, one arm covering his eyes and unable to sleep. He undoubtedly confided in the four of them, whether it concerned the bloody titans or anything else. But even knowing two of them were there, a part of him couldn't help the restlessness, which was no improvement to his insomnia.
Levi looked at the clock on his bedside table and confirmed it was past 2AM in the morning. So, he decided to move to his chair and try counting sheep or whatever crap people did to get sleepy. By the time he managed a comfortable position, there was a sudden knock on this door; judging by the time, this was probably important. The man opened it, and to his astonishment, he saw Gunther standing firmly right in front of him.
"What is it, soldier?" he asked without beating about the bush. It was then he noticed a letter he was holding and now offering to him.
"A message for you, Captain" his subordinate said and saluted him. He seemed in a hurry "My apologies but I must deliver another document, sir" Levi nodded, without thinking too much after receiving the package.
He had no need to wonder who the sender might be. Seeing Gunther right there was a clear sign about the content. He lighted up the candle onto his nightstand, broke the seal, opened the letter, and recognized immediately Petra's tiny handwriting. As he began to read the words, the Captain sat near the edge of his bed.
.
Captain,
I regret to report that Private Ilva Stoltz passed away shortly after midnight. Gunther is delivering the death certificate, as protocols dictate.
Her funeral will take place this evening at the main cemetery, 5PM.
PR
.
There it was again, the emptiness and hopelessness; no matter how many times he'd experienced this over and over. Knowing the outcome of her story made no difference; sadness worked that way.
At least she faced this beside a friend, he said to the loneliness that kept him company as he wrinkled the note without realizing it. All he could think about right now was the vivid memory the past, and what it meant to say goodbye for the last time.
She opened her eyes and tried to get up after remembering what had happened, which was a bad call. Elia covered her eyes with her hand and breathed in and out deep, trying to dissipate the dizziness and the headache she had; her only relief was being inside a room in almost complete darkness, for there was some dim light coming through the crack in the door; and just then she noticed she was inside her parents' room. Mom, Dad, I... the piercing pain after understanding her sister was gone turned worse now given their absence; it was now that she desperately needed their soothing presence, the heartwarming hugs that led her to believe everything would be alright. But it's not... her inner voice reminded, as her eyes got teary once again, only this time she decided to abandon herself to the sorrow that had been building up ever since that awful day, and as she laid on their bed looking down, the healer cried her heart out for what seemed like hours. The one thing that helped a little was trying to picture their faces in her mind, for that at least provided some comfort; it was impossible not to with those warm and honest expressions. Actually, the instant she even considered asking their forgiveness for what just happened, she stopped herself because her parents would have never held her responsible for Ilva's fate.
Wherever the three of you are, I hope seeing you again… that was her only wish as she laid on the bed and hugged herself to the pillow and kept letting out what she could no longer hold inside.
By the time Elia got up, she did so slowly not to get ever more lightheaded, and then proceeded to put on the shoes, imagining her friend probably took them off. Immediately after, she headed to the bathroom to wash her face, and the refreshing sensation made her feel a little better, and would eventually help with her red, swollen eyes.
Come on. Be brave, her inner voice encouraged her to go to the room where her body was, and so she did. What she wasn't prepared for was seeing her completely covered with a white bedsheet, although it was probably for the best now; she knew the kind of changes her body would have within a few hours.
She looked at the candle on the nightstand and it was then she noticed Petra sitting on her bed, with her back to the wall and staring at her in silence.
"How are you feeling?" the healer heard her ask, worried "You fainted a while ago".
"I'm sorry to frighten you" she apologized, sitting by her side "Knowing what would happen isn't the same as living it" she mumbled, doleful.
"Elia, you don't have to apologize" her friend said, vehemently but still kind. The healer noticed her getting closer, just to sit side by side "Death is never easy, let alone your sister's".
"Thank you, Petra" she managed to smile a bit, grateful "I'm much better, I think. Slightly dizzy but it will pass".
"Gunther managed to find a doctor" the soldier was explaining now "We got a little scared because you didn't respond when we tried waking you up, so I asked him to bring the nearest one".
"It's alright. I suspected it when I woke up in my parents' room" she was very thirsty. She looked around the space and saw a glass of water on the bedside table. She was going to go for it, but her friend stopped her, and she did it instead.
"The doctor said you needed to hydrate" she repeated the indication, handed the glass to her and went back to seat beside her. Elia was about to drink from it when she saw Petra abruptly turning to her "He said you should do that slowly" she added.
Elia looked at her and nodded. She did as ask and noticed the sugar in it; her friend probably remembered this helped with some stress. Thanks again, Petra, she said on the inside, way too tired to try smiling again.
"The man checked Ilva himself and gave us a document that headquarters would require to…" Elia knew she was trying to inform her, trying to avoid hurting her more, so she just nodded to let her know it was fine "The doctor said we needed to act quickly, so I sent Gunther. I didn't want to leave you alone, but I'm sure he should be coming back soon" the soldier said after checking the time on the clock hanging in the wall. It was 4AM now.
"You two seriously saved my life today, my friend" You can trust them, was what he'd said… and she truly did, and the same applied to him "I'm eternally grateful, Petra".
"Anytime, girl" she replied with a commiserative smile as she held her hand in hers "Now, I must let you know that they will probably come to get her soon" she shared, somewhat hesitant.
"Honestly, I know what needs to be done with her body now, but I cannot do it myself" she confessed, dejectedly. It was her little sister they were talking about, and that changed many things. Besides, she thought she'd have wanted it that way.
"I'm so sorry, Elia" they were both looking at the other bed and the person laying underneath the fabric.
She nodded once in total silence and felt the tears falling down her face again. That and the gentle squeeze to her hand, letting her know she was there for her.
"Elia, I had no way to ask you some hours ago so, based on something you said to me the other day, I indicated Gunther that you needed the funeral service as soon as possible. That means it'll take place today, some time before sunset" the soldier explained compassionately as soon as she saw Elia had stopped crying.
The healer closed her eyes for a moment, focused on breathing in and out to calm the anxiety, trying to cope with her reality. She opened them and looked at Petra, a bit more serene.
"And you were right to do so" she accepted, remembering her own words a couple of days ago "It's better that way. Delaying it won't bring her back" she said and this time it was her who squeezed Petra's hand fondly "I'm sorry for putting you in that predicament, Petra".
"It's no problem as long as you're ok with it" the redhead declared, trying to share some of her energy with her "On the other hand, I wouldn't have been able to be beside you tomorrow, because of the preparations for the trial and not knowing what will happen after that".
"So, it's finally happening" Elia mumbled quietly and then thought about the Yeager boy and she only hoped Commander Erwin came up with something to save his life. Had not been for him, her home district would have been lost too "I wish my statement could help somehow but I'm afraid, having no proof to back it up, it'll make no difference. And I also never had that much contact with him, but with his father: Doctor Grisha. He was a good man" Petra's eyes showed how surprised she was about her words.
"You knew him and his family?" She enquired, curious.
"I knew him as a child and saw him every once in a while, but I'm afraid I barely interacted with him" she clarified "His father and mine were very good friends... since both work in the medicine field. It's how they met, and afterwards, they used to visit each other when they were travelling. He talked a lot about his son, because Ilva and him were quite alike, children with a strong personality, sometimes impulsive, and very protective of their people. My sister got to spend some time with him, years ago though".
"This information... I don't know, but it may be useful" Petra began to say, "Does the Captain know about it?"
"He does" Elia had a feeling he was trying to say goodbye the day before. That's why she decided to share what little she knew to help them somehow. It was a way to demonstrate some gratitude.
Petra seemed considerably amazed by what she just said. She was going to continue talking but right then, both women heard three knocks at the front door, yet her friend told her to stay because that should be Gunther. After a minute or two, she returned with her comrade following her closely.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Miss Stoltz" the dark-haired man said, standing firm, hands behind his back and lowering his head a little as a sign of respect "This is a great loss for us too. She was a good person and a fierce soldier".
Elia got up from there and approached the man to stand in front and she bowed half.
"Thank you, Mr. Schultz" she spoke in all earnest "Not just for your words, but also for all the help you both had given me today".
"It's been an honor to us" he replied, accepting her sincere gratitude.
"What news do you have, Gunther?" the redhead was right beside her now.
He proceeded to pull out an envelope from the inside of his coat and handed it towards her. Which made her feel like some sort of higher ranked officer, because of the way he did this; they were probably too used to do the same on a daily basis.
"That's our division's official certificate, and there's also a letter stating they're going to cover all expenses" he pointed out "The one the doctor gave us stayed at headquarters".
The healer nodded affirmatively and check the content. Just like Petra said before, the funeral would take place that evening at 5PM, and they'd move her straight from the barracks to the cemetery. They also required a complete change of military clothes and according to a document every soldier sign when they enlisted, she wanted to be cremated; her remains would be buried at the Main Cemetery, where Stoltz family already had a grave. Finally, they offered their condolences and expressed gratitude for Ilva's active service and fulfillment of her duty.
It was clear this was some sort of standardized message, but she didn't care; Mr. Schultz's previous words had meant so much more.
"They said they'd get here within an hour and a half" the man indicated and looked at the clock "That'd be fifty-eight minutes from now".
Elia felt somewhat scared to be separated from her so soon but then she reminded, Ilva was not there anymore. She decided to concentrate on the task ahead instead; it was a fortune her mother always had everything in order, because she knew where to look. She'd have it ready in ten minutes at most. As soon as she had all ready, she excused herself from the group and noticed they comprehended she wanted to spend those last few minutes alone.
She entered her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She knew uncovering her wasn't the best idea, but she didn't want to let her go without seeing her face one last time. Elia took a deep breath and encouraged herself to partly remove the white bedsheet from her. Surprisingly, her sister only seemed deeply asleep and oblivious to everything. The only visible changes were the skin, much paler, and her lips getting that purplish tone, just like her eyelids.
With the back of her hand, she gently touched her cheekbone, something she often did when Ilva was younger.
"I remember clearly the day Mom and Dad told me I was going to have a little brother" she whispered while sitting next to her, on a small space at the bed's edge "I know you'd get mad, but you need to understand this occurred several months before and they had no way to know you'd be a girl. One as strong and skilled as any man" again, the lump in her throat was coming back and she couldn't help but cry as she stared at her "I remember because that's one of the memories I cherished the most in my life. Just like the day I finally met you, sis. Mom was breastfeeding you, and I knew right then how much you'd love food" Elia kept crying but she let out a tiny laughter at the mental image, however her expression soon changed to absolute sadness and she cried harder for a couple minutes "I cannot believe after Mom and Dad, you'd be gone too; you are my little sister and the person I've loved and admired the most. And I know you weren't invincible, but since you were always so powerful and resilient, with that untamed heart of yours, always lively, beautiful, and unpredictable... I think it's going to take me a while to accept it. That's why I'm just asking you, if you can see me somehow, please don't get mad on the days I may fall apart. Still, you need to know that I'll try moving forward as best as I can, Ilva. Your dedication and courage taught me more than I can express now, and for that, I promise I won't give up. And I also promise I'll train hard to help with my own hands to the people you tried to protect, but especially to those fighting for the cause you believed in. As I do now" Elia stood up and wiped the tears with a handkerchief before looking at the girl. She bent to hold her face with both hands and placed one last kiss on her forehead "We'll meet again. I love you, sister".
Having said that, she carefully covered her again and left the room. They'd arrive anytime now and so she went to the bathroom to wash her face with cold water. She left to her parents' room and had some medicine for the headache. On her way out, the instant she opened the door, she found Petra waiting for her.
"Elia. They're here and waiting at the entrance" the redhead said.
Elia nodded, trying to stay tranquil as she moved towards there, followed by her friend.
Two officers were at the entrance, and she got to see the transport some meters behind them, where the coachman waited.
One of them asked about her family, how many would attend the service, and several other things she didn't really pay much attention to. The only thing she remember requesting was having her parents' names on the same tombstone along with Ilva's name. She explained briefly how they perished and considered bringing one of their belongings to be cremated along with her sister's body. Fortunately, the officer took note of everything, and then proceeded with their task.
She thought she wouldn't be able to look but to her own surprise, she did, standing firm and quiet... She'd have plenty time to cry later.
When the officers left, Petra approached her carefully.
"Are you sure you want to be alone?" Time before these officers arrived, she'd told them they should go and sleep a couple hours at least. But of course, her friend was concerned.
"I'll be fine, Petra" she assured her "It's still early, and the wisest thing to do for now is having some rest. The three of us" she pointed out, trying to convince her.
"I don't want to leave you like this" she was probably thinking about her fainting fit.
"I'm alright, guys. Honest" she insisted, still sad but she was determined to honor her family properly "Well, not great but I'll be better eventually. It's going to be a long and difficult day, and I know you'll be there with me. That's all I need for now".
"Okay" the redhead finally accepted, although she was still worried "I know you're not hungry, but I'll come back at noon with some food".
Elia managed to give them a tiny smile before they left, grateful for everything.
Truth was she wasn't sleepy; therefore, she went straight to her parents' bedroom, looking for the items that belonged to them.
The doll Mom kept for years, she thought right away. The toy had been the only thing she got from her only sister; the one who died during an epidemic, days after their own mother passed. Elia took it from its place, cleaned the little dust on it and placed it onto their bed. After that, she bent down and dragged the wooden box from under the same, where her father kept his guitar. She remembered him spending hours with it, distant from the world as he focused on the sounds of music. That object had been given by his own father, who taught him how to play it.
Overwhelmed by the memories and melancholy, she gently polished the object and left it right next to her mother's doll. Elia was sure about this, but she had no energy to continue there.
Since she couldn't sleep, the best would be to keep herself busy, reason why cleaning the room Ilva and her shared for so many years was a good idea; this sort of thing helped her getting rid of stress. She'd take a shower later and if lucky, finally have some sleep.
Elia started by returning all the medical tools, ointments, oils, and other supplies to the shelves inside her parents' small office. After that, she changed the bed sheets and returned some of her clothes to her closet. She wasn't ready to touch her sister's belongings yet, so it was mostly that.
She approached to the bedside table, where she kept a copy of her hospital file; she'd keep that somewhere else. Elia didn't want things related to her sister's medical condition inside the room; the girl she wanted to honor and remember was the one she knew for over twenty years.
The woman opened the drawer and placed its contents on her bed. There were a couple of random things inside, like a book she'd been reading days before the attack, some papers, and that file. However, she saw something there that she'd never seen before: an envelope, one that had the Wings of Freedom stamped on the upper left corner, which meant this was an official document from her division. Apart from that, there was no address or anything except Ilva's full name written outside.
Since her clothes weren't in great conditions after cleaning, she sat on the floor, rested her back on her sister's bed and brought her knees up to her chest for a better position to read. She knew it was addressed to Ilva, but she was her only living family and she was a ninety percent sure, that envelope had not been there before. With your permission, sis, she said to her in her mind as she opened it.
.
Officer
Ilva C. Stoltz
Squadron N°7
Survey Corps
.
I, Captain Levi, in command of the Special Operations Squad of the Survey Corps, hereby inform you of your immediate transfer to the aforementioned division.
In the attached document you will also find a copy of your new guidelines, the ones you will follow from now on.
In relation to the previous mentioned, I inform you will be under my direct command, until the end of the war, my death or yours, during the same.
[...]
Elia was barely able to continue reading the letter because of the tears she was shedding. Even more so when her eyes found his signature, and at the bottom of the document, there laid one simple yet meaningful sentence; the only handwritten words in the missive.
Your sacrifice will not be in vain, soldier.
She read those words, but it was his voice the one she heard in her head making such promise. She didn't fully understand how but after seeing him so often since the attack, it was easy to recall his presence around.
Elia closed her eyes tightly, letting her whole grief out; the one she piled up during those days and nights. She was still holding the letter in her right hand when the sobs, a mix of desolation but also rejoice, started. Especially when she noticed the document was indeed legal; the corresponding seals were there, and to her immense awe, it was signed by Commander Erwin Smith himself as the certifying officer.
"You made it, Ilva" That was the only thing she said out loud, knowing that, despite the moment this was issued, her sister was indeed undeniably acknowledged by the soldier whom she admired the most. The same who tried to keep her safe and treated her with the same respect and deference he had towards the other four subordinates he trusted. The ones he clearly cared about.
According to the way he was, what he appeared to be and all the little details he probably wasn't aware of himself, Elia had no doubt about the great man behind those lonely yet fierce steel-blue eyes. This was a fact that no one, except his own actions, could ever make her change her mind.
She was the latest addition to his squad that only Erwin knew about yet somehow the four of them were there, without even knowing it. It was unexpected but to see they were bidding her the final farewell provided a little satisfaction.
Of course, the woman was there. Standing right next to Petra, at the front. And at the back of the small group was that idiot from days ago, the one blocking his way. Only this time, he wasn't wearing his uniform.
They had just finished offering their condolences, which she politely received but judging by her expression, it looked as if she wasn't really there. And Levi understood the feeling way too well; to be surrounded by people didn't make you feel any less alone in this kind of situations. And that was his reason to stay away from them but remain close enough to show respect and witness his youngest subordinate's funeral.
The Captain stared at the pyre where the girl's body laid, covered by a black veil but what grabbed his attention were the two objects located at both sides of her. A doll to her right, quite old but in good conditions, and there was a splendid guitar on the left. And just then, he realized these belonged to their parents. He remembered perfectly that night when she'd told him a little about them and how music was one of the best cures for the soul, according to her father. This is also their funeral… No wonder why she seems so absent, he thought to himself, bitterly.
As soon as the rite commenced and the officer who presided finished a short speech, the few gathered there approached to her remains and said something to her. He'd have done the same, but Levi already told to her what he intended to, so he just stayed in the same spot, with his back to a big tree, the same that kept him hidden under its shade.
Still, he couldn't help getting somewhat tensed when it was her turn. The soldier watched her move forward, and the officer handed the torch to her. The woman took a deep breath and then stood right in front of her sister's funeral pile, saying something to her, something none of the present could hear. He saw her bowing before her and then brought the torch to the wood beneath the girl's body. She moved a few steps back and observed the way the flames came to life and began devouring everything. It was then his subordinates, and the other individual dedicated the military salutation this fallen soldier always did with solemnity and fervor; it was a gesture she truly believed in. And so, he did the same to show his own respect and gratitude towards the corpse that was now burning.
The woman stood there, as still as a statue, staring at the place where her younger sister had been minutes before. It didn't take long before the flames were finally consumed and only smoke emerged from the ashes.
Levi saw her closing her eyes and only then he caught a glimpse of some sort of glimmer rurnning down her cheeks, realizing seconds later, those were tears. She raised her head a little, apparently contemplating the sky and the sun setting in the distance yet all he could see was her, how broken the woman felt; that, and inevitably, how beautiful she looked despite her misery. She hadn't braided her hair that day; instead, there was a half-down ponytail and the rest of loosened mane was windswept, hiding her face at times.
He shook his head and then looked down to ignore the thought and only stood there; deciding he'd leave once she did.
By the time he looked again, a couple minutes had passed and most of the attendees were gone; they probably said their goodbyes and offered their help, as tradition dictated. All except one person, who was standing several meters away and clearly debating whether to talk to her or not: the twat from the other morning.
The idiot just stood there for half an hour before finally making up his mind. To his bad luck, a cemetery worker talked to her first and asked her permission to cover the area with some sort of screen.
"We'll proceed with the rest in two or three hours" he heard the man say. He was referring to placing the ashes inside the urn and bury them.
"Thank you" the woman responded, and her voice seemed a bit subdued "I'll stay a few more minutes, if that's okay".
"Sure, Miss" the man said, and returned from where he came from.
After that, he saw the other guy sighed dejectedly and turned around, leaving the place with his hands in his pockets.
Time passed and the woman only stood there, until now that she was within a short distance from the girl's remains, and once again, she looked up at the sky, only this time there was a sad smile on her face. One that showed her infinite pain, but she wasn't crying. On the contrary, she seemed determined and focused on breathing, as if preparing for something harder. That confused him, but he unconsciously was trying to imagine what this might be.
Seconds later, he saw her lower her head and close her eyes before taking a deep breath… And out of nowhere, she began to sing something he never heard before.
.
Where are you this moment?... only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you; I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping, but time keeps us apart.
.
Levi was speechless. It was her voice, those lyrics, and the feelings poured in it. A strikingly mesmerizing piece, one that was also heartbreaking: a powerful lament. Somehow, he could see right through her and something inside him desperately wanted to comfort her. But his own instinct told him to stay right there; this was hers, her farewell to the family she had, to her old life.
He'd have left, but he couldn't do it. He could only watch her; eyes still closed while her mouth moved with careful precision and the tones fluctuated harmoniously. So soothing that he closed his eyes too, and then pictured the way she usually kissed the girl's forehead; a gesture filled with pure love and absolute devotion.
.
If I could be close beside you, if I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you and bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you?
Is there a sign I should know?
Is there a road I can follow?
To bring you back home
To me...
.
Shortly after the aria ended, he got in control of himself. But he knew well he had been captive, from a spell that not only her voice had caused, but the whole image of her standing there, broken; wrapped in her own beauty and the nature around her.
But this was probably a lot to her, because the soldier saw her crouching head down and burst out crying. He knew it by the way her body kept shaking and the clear sound of her sobs; her face was at no sight behind the curtain of hair.
He didn't dare to continue looking because he had no right for it, reason why he walked away from that place, deciding he'd wait near the cemetery's entrance and follow her back home, just to make sure she made it there safely. No need to talk or anything. Even less knowing he was still somewhat affected by her singing; he reluctantly admitted he liked hearing her talk, but this was something else entirely. Not to mention the sincere longing in every word… It was then he understood he'd hardly forget it.
What could she possibly be doing by now? He wondered, annoyed but mostly worried; it was getting dark and the breeze colder. More than an hour had passed since he left, and she hadn't walked out of that place. Quite disgruntled, he decided to go back there and just tell her it was time to leave; for what he remembered, she wasn't even wearing an appropriate jacket.
Damn it, woman! He internally yelled while running his hand through his hair, exasperated. Levi wasn't really angry at her but plainly shocked to finding her a few meters away from her previous spot, sitting behind a stranger's gravestone, on the ground and hugging her knees as her head rested on them. And she was fast asleep.
He'd have wondered how the hell she managed to sleep in a place like this, when temperature kept descending and nighttime was upon them, but then he recalled how exhausted this person probably was, both physically and emotionally.
Considering his options, the soldier breathed out and understood there was no other way but to move her himself; either that or try waking her up but after what he saw, he felt anxious to do so. Therefore, he quickly accommodated her on his back, with her arms falling over his shoulders. She surely ran out of energy, because she didn't even notice when a short man, with a rather unique temperament, did all this to take her home.
He walked at a steady pace, frightfully aware of her scent around him and despite the floral essence got mixed with the smell of grass and smoke, it was still too pleasant. To make it worse, her head was resting right above his left shoulder and so her face was dangerously close to the base of his neck. Had he not been wearing his cravat; the warmth of her breath would have been right onto his skin; just to think of it made him nervous. Having her so close reminded him of that tingling in his hand after shaking hers; one that lasted for hours after leaving that place. And now the same sensation was taking over of his entire body.
When he finally made it there, he rummaged in her pocket and produced a key; if he carried her all this way and she was still sleeping, it'd be stupid and nonsensical to wake her up now, when he'd leave her in her room to rest a little longer. After that, he'd leave.
The soldier opened and pushed the door carefully, and once inside, closed it using his foot. Stealth as ever, Levi headed to her parents' room and as soon as he reached the edge of the bed, with her still on his back, he carefully sat and was now detaching from her slowly. But he froze before doing it, quite nervous at the realization that he'd need to turn quickly to hold her torso and prevent her from falling abruptly onto the mattress. And to do that, he'd have to get closer; but again, it was that or waking her up.
Resigned and with his jaw clenched, he resolved to just get on with it quickly. Though now that he couldn't stop, he regretted his decision. Because no matter how mentally prepared he thought he was, as soon as he held her neck and back, that fragrance surrounded him once more and urged him to look at her face when he was placing her on that soft surface. And he gave in.
The instant he contemplated her features, he recalled his own thoughts from that evening, the ones he had when she looked so magnificent, despite her sadness and situation. And now it wasn't so different with her dark, shiny hair spread over the pillow, while some of those loosen strands of hair covered her eyes. Her cheeks turned a bit rosy, but he suspected that was for crying so much.
What the hell are you doing, stupid?! He scolded himself, unable to believe the things he'd just thought about. And so, he quickly got away from her, afraid of whatever happened to him whenever this person was near; it wasn't bad but definitely strange. Unluckily, he moved too fast and ended up stumbling upon a wooden box behind him; the noise didn't awaken her, but he saw her move restlessly and finally turned to the left, with her back towards him. She mumbled something unintelligible and continued to sleep.
Determined to leave, Captain Levi approached to just cover her with some blankets he found there. But once again, he got overwhelmed when he saw her crying in her sleep, just like the other night.
He considered waking her up, in case she was having a nightmare, but then he thought of the possibility that she may be dreaming about the young soldier and that stopped him. He had no way to know but if it was him the one there, dreaming about his mother, he'd want to kick whoever interrupted the only moments he could see her again.
The Captain left the room in silence and headed to the exit. But as soon as he reached the door, something prevented him from leaving her alone that night; not when her loss had been so recent. He shook his head and decided to stay for a couple hours or until she woke up; he wanted to make sure she'd be fine before walking away. Besides, it was still 8PM or so.
He went to the kitchen and decided to prepare some tea before taking a sit on the chair inside the room he knew, to just ponder about the trial that was going to take place soon. And minutes later, with his arms crossed and head down, he fell asleep too.
By the time he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and remembered everything that had happened since the funeral. The Private's funeral.
He checked on the clock and nearly three hours had passed since they arrived. He grabbed the cup and was going to put it back in the kitchen, but the second he stepped out of the room and looked around, he found her sitting at the same spot she'd been when they had food together. Quite absentminded and staring to the window and what was on sight thanks to the moonlight.
Levi was going to talk to her but something inside told him to wait. So, he observed her and unexplainably felt that she was calling him, without looking at him and not even saying a word yet; he just realized her presence had some sort of draw on him. The instant he thought so, she turned in his direction, and although she was still sad, she seemed serene.
"I didn't mean to wake you" she said, and this time her voice was a bit raspy.
"You didn't" Levi assured her, trying to figure a way to explain his presence there. He looked from her to the entrance and then back.
She stared at him intently, as if she could read his mind. She seemed to comprehend what he was doing, but then she looked away.
"I figure it was you who brought me back, am I right?" he heard her question but there was no accusation of any kind there. She was merely trying to collect the memories she didn't have.
"The ceremony was over by the time I arrived. Or so I thought, until I found you asleep on the floor" Levi couldn't understand why, but he didn't want to say he'd been there "You were exhausted, so I took the liberty to bringing you here, but you should not forget how reckless is to sleep in a place like that" he obviously scolded her for it "Best case scenario was getting sick, but you could have been found by some psycho or a rapist".
"I know. I won't try to excuse myself but I don't even remember when that happened" she was sincerely ashamed "It was very stupid from my part but I appreciate your help, sir".
I don't want your gratitude, damn it! The soldier exclaimed on the inside. A part of him didn't want to make her feel worse for her mistake but the other assured him he was doing well by scolding her.
He breathed out and sat right in front of her, crossing his arms and a pissed expression on his face. Nonetheless, she held his gaze and nodded once, accepting her fault with the silent promise of being careful in the future.
"The scum out there, those filthy beasts, are constantly waiting for an easy prey" he warned her and considered this settled "And will you please just call me Levi? I told you already, I'm no sir. My subordinates are the only ones calling me that, or captain" For some unexplainable reason, it upset him whenever she used that word with him. They'd been talking long enough for her to stop treating him with such bloody courtesy.
"How about just Captain Levi?" she offered calmly while looking at her hands on the table. There was an empty cup between them.
"Tch!" he complained and looked away for an instant, avoiding her slightly curious glance "You're the most bullheaded woman I've come across, you know" he unconsciously touched the bridge of his nose, exasperated. Although the fact that the woman followed her own rules was something he actually liked; it was both irritating and amusing.
"True" she accepted his words, and her gaze was somewhat intense now "And I know you don't like or need compliments, but my stubbornness compels me to express how grateful I am before you leave" she muttered. And there was a different kind of melancholy in her voice, one that had nothing to do with her grief "I just wanted to wish you the best of luck on everything. You're a great man, Captain" he felt as if he'd been naked or something; that was the power of her kind of sincerity.
Levi was voiceless for a whole minute before being able to react. His eyes were the first to show how disgruntled he was about it, but she didn't hesitate nor trembled at it. Not even one bit. On the contrary, she was absolutely certain about it.
Of course, she does, he said to himself, considering she had no idea about his past, the things he'd done, the remorse he carried on his back, and what he tried not to think about to keep moving forward. It was true their conversations had helped him seeing many things in a different way, but that did not mean they'd completely disappeared from his mind nor stopped haunting him.
"I accept your gratitude for bringing you here today, but the rest is another story" he refuted brusquely, though his anger was now more to himself rather than her. And he had no idea why.
Once again, she didn't flinch to his tone or words. The woman was looking straight into his eyes, as if she could still see through him.
"Every person has a past, secrets and regrets, but their true nature rarely changes" she stated, no trace of doubt inside those gray "Yours for example, is one of the noblest. Even if you refuse to see it".
Levi was completely perplexed for a few seconds before managing to get over it. He went back to his usual stern expression, determined to convince her wrong.
"I wonder… How does someone like you, decent and well-educated, end up believing such nonsense?" he asked straight-faced, but truly curious about her answer. Because she always came up with something unexpected or unarguable. He granted her that.
A part inside him was relieved to see her in the mood of arguing despite all she'd been through that day; this reassured him she was resilient. The other was mostly trying to focus on the conversation to dissipate the nervousness and how incredibly alert he felt because of the way she stared at him now.
"It's the little details, they're the best proof. Bringing out truths people don't want to see about themselves, just because they don't think they deserve it" she declared, absolutely confident about it "Regardless of their past, and mistakes".
"Still, you don't know what's behind me and the things I've done. I accept them, because I had to do these in order to survive. But they're not that simple" Levi insisted, and he noticed the way he saw his own reflection in the depth of those eyes. Something he remembered; he had wanted before. But this somehow scared him, and yet he couldn't look away.
"I may not know, but I am positive none of them sought selfish, ambitious or cruel purposes. I daresay it was the opposite" she asseverated, and he could only stare back muted by her faith and honesty "Many things can prove it".
"Is that so?" he inevitably replied, more sarcastic than expecting a real answer.
"First of all, I see it in the respect and loyalty that your subordinates profess to you, and those are things you've earned. Sure, they fear you a little but that's because of your bluntness and unorthodox methods. Not because you're actually a tyrant" Levi managed to divert his eyes and fix them on the table and the cup she still held. Regarding her statement, for him, that was more like intimidation. However, he was recalling some situations that made more sense the way she said. OK. There is some truth there, I guess, he accepted "Secondly, you always risk yourself to help others, or prevent them from harm. You do because you know you're capable of handling the situation. And that was one of the many things my sister admired the most: your commitment to your comrades and the cause. Nothing related to petty things, like power or wealth" it was clear that the girl's opinion influenced a great deal on her. However, he knew that was also true, but she made it sound different… like, heroically? he considered, unable to embrace such qualifying about himself "Thirdly, and without any kind of obligation, in our hour of need, you freely assisted and supported us" her conviction only increased within every single word. She made a brief pause here and he unconsciously looked back at her "There are more things, but I'll end for now with one I treasure, and that was your recognition to her".
Levi knew what she meant with the last one. He'd hoped this hadn't happened yet, but she surely found it. He felt somewhat awkward now, believing he'd been a presumptuous fool for doing that.
"You fulfilled her dream and now she can finally rest from this whole nightmare" the healer said, and there was a comforting glimpse of peace inside her eyes.
"That was only a formality I owed to your sister. One I'm afraid, she didn't get to know" the soldier said, deflated "I guess now it doesn't really matter but I must confess that I knew her, though mainly from afar. But I was in the know of her merits in battle and how skilled she was. She and the Möser brats; the three were supposed to join my squad once we returned"
The moment he began to speak, Levi saw her remain silent, paying attention to every single word coming from him.
"When I heard about her health issues, I requested her dismissal because I hate to see lives wasted in vain, especially someone like her" he admitted, also thinking about Isabel; the little sister that life had given to him. Ilva Stoltz and she shared way too many similarities. And now both were gone "Because your sister possessed many qualities that made her suitable for the job. In more than one occasion, she saved several others from an imminent death and their own stupidity. She was a very strong, resourceful, determined, and a talented soldier. One who happened to also be a good leader, rookies especially, whom admired the energy, passion and bravery she demonstrated in the battlefield; it was contagious, actually" he explained, glancing to the room the girl had been before and then went back to her older sister "I'm afraid you already know the rest of the story" he uttered and averted his gaze when he noticed she'd been crying in silence.
That was his truth behind the letter she'd found. But he had no idea this had been Ilva Stoltz's goal; one she did achieve. Even if the girl was unable to live the experience, the fact that the soldier she admired the most did acknowledge her as an outstanding soldier, was more than enough. Wherever you are now, sis, I hope you listened to the Captain's words, Elia said to her in her heart.
"I'm sure you're oblivious to it, but you've just confirmed what I said before" she declared, feeling much calmer now, wiping away those tears with her own hands. The woman looked at him, certain and grateful "Thanks for everything, Captain" her words automatically made him turn in her direction.
The way her eyes lit up at that moment was breathtaking. Despite the trail of tears on her face, she looked more perfect and unreachable than ever; exactly like she did hours ago, when her song and her voice had bewitched him. It was so powerful that Levi had no clue on how to describe his desire to touch her, just because he needed to make sure she was real.
Curiously, the situation reminded him about that precise moment when he experienced the awakening of his strength and how his senses sharpened, many years ago. Only this time, the sensation wasn't entirely physical, and its nature felt quite different.
The soldier didn't know for how long he remained that quiet, but he came back to the present as soon as he saw her getting up.
"I'd better go back to sleep for now" Levi perceived a change in the air around them; some sort of spiritual energy reverberating from inside her "If you want to rest a little, you're welcome to stay" the woman offered, demonstrating her absolute confidence towards him.
"I would but it's time for me to go back" he replied, unreserved. Comprehending he couldn't treat her with the same indifference, apathy, or the harshness he usually used to deal with the rest of the world; it felt wrong. Besides, he truly respected her.
He stood up and walked towards the entrance to retrieve his jacket from the coat rack. But on his way there, he stopped in front of her, wanting to surround himself with her presence before leaving; especially now that he didn't know how long it'd take to see her again. If you see her again… he thought, considerably hopeless. However, right before wishing her a good night, the woman caught him off-guard.
"Good night, Levi" he heard her say as her gray eyes looked straight into his, setting something free inside, like an intense kind of energy between the two of them that more than anything, craved for some connection after finally hearing her say his name.
He didn't know if it was the tone in her voice, the longing in those eyes that called on him, or simply knowing she accepted him just as he was, no appellatives, no titles, or anything... what he did know was that this woman saw right through him, the man buried inside, and a part of him wanted her to reach even deeper.
Driven by a force beyond his understanding, Levi surrendered to this strange demand of getting closer and closed the gap between the two, placing his lips on hers, realizing about it when he perceived their warmth and unbelievable softness. It was then that an overwhelming host of sensations pierced him: alarm, agitation and fright, as well as consolation, ecstacy, and an unfamiliar rush of the purest pleasure that overshadowed everything else the instant he saw her closing her eyes, allowing him closer, and kissing him back, as if seeking something for herself. Yet it was him the one that simply needed the heat of her mouth embracing his, to taste her wide lips and allow himself to be captivated by her undescribable sweetness, just as her singing already did.
Intoxicated by this wondrous kind of surrendering, the soldier never noticed his right hand moving to hold her chin; he only did when the tingling started but since he was actually touching her skin, there was nothing apart from delight now, for that and the kiss, which by the way, was a total surprise. For evident reasons, he thought things like this would made him sick; he'd seen people doing it, and found it weird, not to mention unhygienic but this exhilirating experience with her made sense in a way he could not explain. It was why he decided to ignore his rational self and just get away with it, sending his demons and prejudice straight to hell for a little while.
By the time the contact came to an end and they slowly separated, he opened his eyes and contemplated her parting lips in silent anguish, because he wanted them again but the sadness in her eyes and his own fear prevented him from making another move. Having lost track of time since he lost control, the one thing he knew was that none of them seemed to want to look away, but again, his rational self had no idea why, and the little space between both didn't help as he tried to assimilate everything, unable to speak about it or offer anything.
Elia on the other hand didn't want to let him go yet she knew his duty perfectly well; the importance of this man was past any personal desire. Humanity needed Captain Levi, whom she also wholeheartedly had started to believed in. That was why she held his gaze, allowing her eyes to be the only ones smiling at him despite her sorrow. She took a step back and bowed her head as a farewell, knowing he understood, that he was even grateful for that. Because Levi didn't know what to say after such elation, especially remembering he had a mission to accomplish and a lot of work ahead; there might go days without seeing her again, perhaps even weeks, and the last thing he wanted was to put it into words.
"Never stop fighting" his words sounded more like a personal request rather than anything else.
The gray of her eyes told him she comprehended; there were no promises or anything he could make, and she wouldn't ask for them either because they both knew it couldn't be any other way. Not right now. But at least, being able to speak to her without formalities was something because it felt much more intimate and natural. Similar to the ghost of her lips in his, a sensation that lingered and amazed him still.
The last nod she gave emboldened Levi to trust her, to see her own strength of a different kind; one that assured him, she'd be fine eventually.
Only then he felt ready to leave.
The farewell song during Ilva's funeral were excerpts from Enya's aria, If I could be where you are (all credits to her for the beautiful music).
Namárië