CHAPTER XVII
It was never easy, and he'd never get used to seeing those kinds of expressions, but he had to. It was the least he could do out of respect for his subordinates, that's how he ended up reunited with their families to tell them how they died. He shared Eren's story as best as he could with no need to be morbid about it.
Eld's fiancé was the first to leave his office without a word except she was bathed in tears while her own mother and Eld's followed immediately behind. Gunther's sister only looked down, as if trying to assimilate what he'd just said. He wasn't conscious of her crying until she wiped her tears with a piece of cloth.
"Thank you for informing us, Captain. Father couldn't come because he cannot walk but I'll tell him" she said before leaving his office with a vacant glance, alone and quietly.
He clenched his fist and looked to his left, to the two empty seats where Oluo's parents should have been. Though he could never blame them.
We appreciate your deference, but we won't be there, sir. We understood what happened as soon as we saw you passing by in the caravan and they weren't beside you. My wife isn't well right now and I'm looking after her and our youngest.
It pains me to say it but we feared this would happen someday. Good luck and farewell, Captain Levi.
That's what the messenger brought back from their place, and he knew they didn't hold him responsible, because they were the ones having a deference towards him by sending an explanation despite the situation.
Emotionally exhausted, the soldier got his shit together to face the one person that was still inside there. Sitting in silence but the way his body was beginning to shake was the warning for what would come next. So, he just stood there, ready to take it.
"Why!?" Petra's father stood up from his seat, held his head with both hands and cried out in agony "Why didn't you do anything!?" he begged for a plausible reason behind her death. One nobody could explain because you either felt it or not; their cause wasn't common on people outside their division.
"If you wish to beat me, I guarantee I won't fight back" was all he said, unable to provide consolation or empathetic words to the man.
What could he possibly say that'd help? I'm sorry wasn't enough to cover how he really felt about it, how deep this wound was. And he couldn't bring himself to say such thing to these people, because their pain was severely worse.
"Really? Is this how you think you'll compensate for their lives?" Mr. Ral was furious now "Do you have any idea what is like to lose the person who means everything in your miserable life?" he hissed at him as he paced inside the office, fuming.
"Whether I answer that or not, it won't make a difference" Levi declared, refusing to share his own past to be pitied and miraculously forgiven, not to mention he doubted his life could mean anything to the man. He wasn't going to try to excuse himself. He wanted to accept his guilt, embrace it, and use it as a fuel to continue in this bloody journey.
"You're right. It won't" the man had stopped in front of him, yet he was facing the wall to his right, as if avoiding his face out of disgust "It means nothing coming from someone like you, who doesn't feel a thing".
I wish I didn't, was all the Captain said on the inside. Blameworthy and feeling so damn alone, just like most of his life. Perhaps that was the only way to continue; isolating himself from every person because all of them kept dying around him. For an instant, he recalled that dreadful nightmare and the ice inside those gray eyes, the same he usually enjoyed looking at, but she'd advised him to scare people away for their own sake.
"Who am I supposed to bury now?" Mr. Ral was finally facing him, and holding the same envelope from before "This letter from her is all I have now. Should I bury this instead of her body? Does it seem right to you, Captain Levi?" he began to speak faster and spit on his unfortunate face, which naturally disgusted him, but he swore he wouldn't do anything. Just accept whatever these people would want to give him as a reprisal; he deserved it and he wanted to punish himself with it.
"I cannot say. It's not up to me to decide" he only replied because the man had been expecting an answer. He was upset to the point of seeming derranged, so telling him having a corpse woulndn't change a damn thing, wasn't smart.
Levi wanted to look away, but he forced himself not to, so he managed to remain stony-faced in order to control the turmoil inside his head. But this man took it the wrong way.
"It should. The moment you decided to leave their corpses behind, it became your decision" the old man said in a dry tone and wanting to hurt him; his eyes told him so.
"They were not the first corpses left behind" this wasn't him explaining himself. It was only a fact that the man should know, so he didn't take it personally "Though you can hold me responsible for it all you need, because I made the choice this time" he confessed.
"Oh, but you are responsible, Captain" the way he addressed him was poisonous, full of hurt and despise "You and this entire institution did all this! It's all you ever do!" he practically spat out to the floor with all the rage he was capable of and then walked towards the exit, grabbed the doorknob and stopped for a minute "You think you fight monsters, but you don't seem to realize you are just as bad as them" Mr. Ral spit at the floor, opened the door and slammed it furiously on his way out.
"I know so" even though he knew this was the least he could expect, he was certainly no better than before.
Levi took a deep breath and slowly let the air out, exhausted and frustrated while moving towards his desk to get a towel and clean the saliva on sight. When he stood up straight, he looked around, to the places where these people had been, and lastly, he continued to stare at the door, where the man had been a minute ago. Gunther, Eld, Oluo, Petra… I hate making this promise to you too, but you know better than most that I'll see it through no matter what.
After getting rid of the wasted material and drinking what was left of his already cold tea, he lied down on the small old couch located at the right side of the room. It was the first break he had since their arrival, leaving aside the four minutes shower he'd taken to free himself of the stench left by titans' blood.
Ignoring the little pang, he lifted his leg in the air and tried to rotate his ankle but this time, the movement caused severe pain all over his lower limb, so he just lowered it and let it to rest, very still. It should go away in a week or two, he said, downplaying the problem.
In a lack of energy to stand and put out the candles, he leaned his head back, looked at the ceiling and let his arm to rest onto his eyes, blocking the light in a vain attempt to have some sleep. But he couldn't do it because whenever he closed his eyes, what he continued to see was Gunther's inert body hanging from those branches, Eld's torso laying in the middle of the forest, Oluo's body burst and half hidden in the wild grass and finally, Petra, crushed against a tree's trunk to be left in a weird angle. Levi clenched his teeth and wrath was all he could feel right then. Pray I never find you bitch, 'cause I swear you'll wish you were dead… but soon after, he also recalled the strange image of the monster, crying. And he didn't know what to think about that.
The Captain put a piece of paper out of his pocket and read it again, to check the time of this extraordinary meeting Erwin had summoned him, Eren and a couple other rookies. According to it, he'd have a little less than an hour to have some peace.
Speaking of the devil, he thought to himself when he heard two knocks on his door, ones he could easily recognize.
"Go ahead" he said as he slowly sat up straight, without looking in his direction.
"Since I know it's impossible to force you to go check your leg at the hospital, I took the liberty of requesting someone to come here" with Levi, it was always better to address the subject right away.
As expected, his friend turned to face him, quite angry and seriously threatening. Erwin breathed out, weary.
"I didn't ask for it" he grumbled and looked daggers at him "I don't need it. There are many others who actually do, so tell whoever you brought to fuck off".
"Almost all of our wounded have been tended by now" the Commander stated, unaffected and deliberately ignoring his request "So just give in and get on with it, Levi. I don't wish to order you to behave" the soldier clenched his teeth, defeated.
He growled, leaned back with his arms crossed and looked to anywhere but Erwin or the door. Not even now that the Commander went back outside to get the person, whom he was determined to scare off because he wanted to be left alone; it'd be easy when most people already feared you.
"Please come in, Miss Stoltz" he heard him say, with his usual politeness.
Levi wasn't counting on that, not at that time. As soon as he heard that surname his body froze, remembering that dream, the same where she'd been so hurt and disgusted to see him after blaming him.
That was a nightmare, you idiot! he scolded himself internally, trying to compose his peace of mind now that he heard her steps getting closer.
He stared at Erwin, who was holding the door, and the soldier somehow suspected he knew about her, until he realized he shouldn't because he had no way how; he was so uneasy that he'd just forgotten about the letter he asked him to sign.
He didn't really care if his friend knew, but the last thing he wanted on such fateful day was to deal with Erwin's curious gaze, even if he didn't ask about his relationship with her… if he could call it that after the last time they saw each other. The memories of that sad night when he stole that kiss from her and left were something he desperately tried not to think of, which he managed to do until this very moment where he sensed his veins throbbed with each heartbeat as soon as he caught sight of her face.
She was there, as in really there. Standing still and looking at his friend while he closed the door. And he closed his eyes to concentrate on remaining as immutable as possible.
"Ms. Stoltz, this is Captain Levi" the blond began to introduce them, and he knew she was staring at him now. He could even picture her bowing just perfectly "Levi, this is Ms. Stoltz. She came all this way to help".
"I'm sure you have better things to do than waste your time here, lady" he opened his eyes but hadn't been able to look at her directly just yet, hoping she'd leave "I said I was fine but some people here are stubbornly deaf" he glanced at his friend, annoyed.
"Perhaps you're right and it's nothing, but you can always choose to act like the adult you are and allow me to confirm it" she was the one who spoke first, and his eyes divert to where she was on their own. The woman was wearing her typical attire and braided hair but what astounded him was how strict she just sounded. Levi wasn't in the mood for anything but he couldn't deny he liked this bossy side of her "I'll leave once I've fulfilled my duty here so, the more you cooperate, the less it'll take, sir".
Levi got tense, cornered and somewhat guilty for this situation. Comprehending she was doing exactly what he was onto: pretending to be strangers. A behavior that confused him at first but then he got the awful feeling that she probably knew everything, which reminded him of the accusations the real woman never said but he still feared.
He said nothing else, only snorted in response wich she took as an approval, a reluctant one but good enough to get down to business.
The soldier watched her movements out of the corner of his eye. She decisively sat on the empty tea table right in front of him and placed the case she'd been carrying next to her. She put a small bag out of her pocket and adjusted a pair of glasses on, ones he'd never seen her wearing before; not that he did now anyways, because he continued to avoid her gaze.
Fortunately, when he saw her leaning a little towards him, his body hadn't react to her proximity the way it'd have had they been alone and in a different situation. No, this time it stayed as still as a statue, and he was glad about it; she'd get to work just fine and then leave.
The first thing she did was placing her palm on his forehead to know if there was fever, and he realized how mistaken he was to assume everything would go smoothly. He'd forgotten how much he liked that scent of hers, not to mention the way all his senses suddenly came alive to her closeness and touch, regardless of how cold her hands were.
He wanted to ask if she was ok, but the man restrained himself because of Erwin, who he refused to look at, knowing he saw everything. Levi felt her hand leaving his head and then noticed she was writing something fast on the little notebook she always kept with. Right after that, she began to unbutton his left cuff to lift his sleeve and proceed to use the sphygmomanometer she just got out of her things. She was working with impeccable precision, showing no signs of any nervousness, and that helped him relax. A bit.
"Sir, Commander Erwin said your issue is with your left leg" she addressed him with absolute professionalism "Please describe the pain, what could have possibly caused it and when does it bother you the most".
Again, with the "sir" shit, huh? that irritated him very much, but considering the way things were going, he knew he had no right to ask for anything. She probably was as disappointed as he was of himself. Or maybe it's because of the company, his mind also offered.
"I landed too hard on a moving surface and rotated the foot angle with excessive force" he explained reluctantly, just because he'd never been a whiner. And to his surprise, he just realized he never once went through this sort of checkup; leaving aside the day he and his friends joined the scouts, which was mandatory for every member "The kind of pain changes according to the movement, but it's mostly like a stab when I lean my weight on it, flex it or rotate it".
"Alright" again, she took notes and then looked up at him, capturing his eyes for the first time since that night. Just like knives, strong and sharp but always reliable, he said to himself, unconsciously rejoicing at the pleasure of seeing them, even under the damn glasses, the same that curiously made her look somewhat older.
He'd have probably stared at the woman like the fool he was, but it was her who looked away. Still, those brief seconds were enough for Levi to also see the pain underneath. The pain of another loss, and he understood that way too well.
"Now I need you to please take off your shoe and try to lift your leg and place it here" she was pointing at her own legs, her thighs to be more precise "I'll help you uncover it. We need to make sure there are no bruises or a closed fracture".
This time, it was impossible to hide the alarm in his eyes. One she didn't see because she was adjusting her position to make it easier for him, but Erwin surely did, only the soldier felt too nervous to confirm it. Doing this was dealing with a closeness he wasn't prepared for, but she was trying to just do her job, so he discreetly breathed in and out before looking slightly down and do as told.
Control yourself, twat. Do it! he shouted to himself the instant he felt a minor but sudden wave of heat coming up his face, one neither she nor Erwin could see thanks to that position. He repeated the breathing exercise until he knew he went back to normal, aware that he only needed to obey so everything ended soon. This was terribly uncomfortable; had it been someone else, he wouldn't have agreed to it. But she isn't just anybody...
C'mon. Stop and just get on with it! he commanded his body, but the instant he lifted his leg, a hiss escaped his mouth while his lower limb tried to reach her lap; the pain faded then. Unfortunately, when she began to pull up the fabric of his pants there was another kind of urge crawling inside his guts, as if there was something alive inside. All thanks to her slender fingers now carefully removing his sock, but the sudden pain he felt in the area, one she obviously noticed, helped him focus on something different to how nervous her touch made him. Who'd have thought physical pain could be this helpful, only it lasted way too little.
He kept telling himself that the worst had just passed, but this situation was driving him nuts; it was a torture. Nothing weird or special was happening between them except a routine examination, but that didn't help mitigating the heat all over his leg when her fingertips began to move upwards, palpating his muscles to make sure there was nothing serious... Again, a torture. One that left a trace of that unusual tingling in all the places her hands continued to touch him, exactly like the one he felt the first time he shook her hand.
The only thing that helped a little was looking at her face discreetly, because she was fully concentrated in her task and oblivious to what she was doing to him.
When the woman finished checking his thigh, he could have sworn she did that part way faster than the rest. She most likely knew there was nothing wrong in that area, so she grabbed her notes and wrote some more before speaking to him.
"Sir, I need to move your foot and your knee. It's where you always flinch out of pain" she explained as she sat a little farther, so his leg was completely stretched now. She was staring at him while rubbing her hands to warm them up a little. He remembered she did that every time she was going to massage the girl's upper and lower limbs "I need you to tell me where it causes you discomfort or severe pain. Understood?"
He nodded in silence, watching attentively both of her hands on his foot. And so, she started with his toes, moving each one in small circles very gently, and then she continued to press with her thumb and palm in different points on the sole of his foot. None of those caused pain. On the contrary, these were incredibly soothing and actually made him a bit sleepy. However, the instant she held his ankle to move in circles with the same carefulness, the stabbing pain returned.
"There" he said just plainly, still focused on her hands "It starts in the heel and then goes up, through the ankle until reaching the shin, though it's a softer pain up there. Annoying but tolerable" he clarified.
"Very well" she nodded and stopped touching those areas.
Levi sensed her fingertips and palms on his calf, shin and finally his knee, where she pressed her thumbs in different points, but no considerable pain bothered him over there. He only prayed silently for this to end soon because he was frightfully anxious with this unfamiliar kind of distress.
But here he was, clenching his teeth, fists, and looking to the side when her hands reached his quadriceps. Damn it, woman. Stop already! he yelled at her on the inside, mad and frowning at the floor, where his eyes were fixed upon.
"I feel nothing unusual there" he claimed, only half lying; he felt a lot. But it wasn't pain.
"That's very good" the contact finally ended, and he breathed out, at ease. Something she thankfully missed because of Erwin, who spoke right then from the other side of the room.
"What do you think, Miss?" was all he asked, concerned.
"The Captain suffers from a mild sprained ankle" she said to both, but mostly focused on him. And despite Levi avoided her gaze on purpose, she began to explain and show him what was wrong "As you can see here, the abrupt stretching caused a strain of the ligaments" she was pointing to a swollen area and was slightly reddish "It looks like a first-degree type of sprain, so is not severe" Levi dared to look at Erwin as if saying I told you so, something she noticed and her raised eyebrow told him she hadn't finished yet "It may be no big of a deal right now but if is not taken care of as it should, it could be dangerous. The ideal is to prevent this area from getting blue, purple, green or any other color that isn't your skin tone, sir".
"What's your advice" his friend got closer and looked at her very seriously.
"For starters, it's essential to avoid activities that may cause too much pain, or the swelling will increase. Is not just about the discomfort anymore, Captain" she glanced in his direction with a little warning in her eyes. As if she knew he wasn't too prone to take care of himself, only because he seldom had any physical problems.
"For how long?" this time, it was Commander Erwin Smith who was asking, and not just his friend.
"In order to heal completely, I'd recommend not performing excessive movement for at least three weeks. He hasn't reached the point where he needs crutches to walk or even a splint, so the only thing you can do sir, is try taking things easy, unless you have no other choice. But I'd rather for you not to" was he hearing well or was that something he'd wanted to hear? Levi only looked at her, concealing his curiosity to know what she meant. Because for a brief moment, that sounded like a personal request. But she was facing Erwin now, who apparently didn't get that.
"Is there a treatment?" the soldier only stared at their exchange, too emotionally drained to even try. Besides, Erwin was asking the important things.
The woman turned to look at him and then to his leg, that he just realized, it was still onto her lap. However, he had no time to dwell on it like before because she was speaking to him again.
"I suggest you dip your foot into cold water for about twenty minutes and repeat the process every two or three hours, during the first week at least; that will reduce the swelling and it'll help with the pain as well" he saw her looking at the couch where he'd been sitting all along and then faced him again "And when you're lying down in here or a bed, it's important to keep your foot up with the help of a cushion, for example".
Levi stared back at her, trying not to but there it was again, that invisible thing that drew him towards her. Only the awkward position he was sitting like and the witness near them made it impossible. It wasn't like the sort of energy he felt that night he'd kiss her. This was more like the memory of those nights when they used to talk, sometimes for hours, and the way she always managed to comfort his soul, without even trying. It was just the way she behaved around him, the honesty in her eyes, and the hope she gave despite being hopeless herself. That was what he longed for right then, but Erwin's voice brought him back to reality. A reality where he felt miles away from her despite having her right in front of his eyes.
"I know I shouldn't ask you this but is there anything else we can do so he heals faster?" he could tell Erwin's enquiry actually made him feel bad "I'm afraid we never know when another battle where Levi isn't forced to intervene may occurred. I'm sorry, Miss"
"I know, Commander. After all, great part of your job is to be realistic, whether we like it or not" the healer wasn't happy about it; her commitment to her patients' wellbeing and her work were highly important to her, but the sigh of resignation assured him she really understood the situation. "What I can do now is put a compression bandage around the Captain's ankle" she offered, looking at him with seriousness, as if she was asking his permission to continue. Which he unconsciously agreed to with a simple nod "It's crucial that you memorize the process so you can do it yourself, sir. And do it thirty minutes after applying an ointment that I'll bring back tonight".
Once again, all he did was nod in silence and then fixed his eyes on his foot. It was quite unreal to reflect on the fact that this was actually happening, especially after recalling all they had shared since they met. Sometimes people didn't need years to know someone. Just like the day he'd met Isabel Magnolia and the way she fiercely risked her life to aid and protect a bird; it was all he needed to figure her out. And something similar happened with this woman, where Levi had the feeling, he'd known her very old, caring, and selfless soul from a long time ago.
"There's no need, Miss. If you don't mind, I'll have my assistant go fetch it at your place" Erwin said to her while she looked for the bandages in her case.
"That'd be much appreciated, Commander" she accepted, and got three sets of bandages. Two of them, she placed onto the same table she was sitting at "Now, Captain…" she began "The ointment I'll send contains white clay, to relax the muscle. And also, a mix of calendula and lavender oil, which works as an anti-inflammatory. They'll help with soreness and stiffness, thus favoring the blood circulation that will increase cell oxygenation to accelerate your recovery" she finished, demanded his attention and he complied. And this time, despite her hands on his foot, he wasn't that nervous because he'd mentally prepared himself while she got everything ready.
Erwin was looking at her somewhat amazed; such confidence and professionalism wasn't that easy to find in someone of her age. The Captain on the other hand, slightly smirked on the inside while observing attentively every step, memorizing the instructions she was giving now; he always marveled at the passion with which she worked on something she loved. Only this time, the private gesture soon disappeared when the scenes of that morning assaulted him; no wonder why she seemed distant sometimes. That saddened him deeply, more than he could comprehend.
"This bandage is to reduce the chances of getting worse, but you should not abuse it. Is it clear, sir?" she'd finished and was speaking to him once more, very serious.
"All is clear" he was no brat but the intensity in her eyes sometimes made him feel like one. Especially now that she was warning him not to be reckless.
"Good" was all the woman said as she helped him pull down the fabric of his pants, with the same care she later put down his leg on the floor.
During the minutes she started gathering all her tools, he distracted himself tying his shoe, deep in thought, imagining what thing a worthless excuse for a human being, a thief and murderer like him could possibly say before she left. But the fact that he wanted to talk to her didn't mean he should. He had no right. Not to mention the words just didn't come to him. Nonetheless, to his surprise, there was a tiny moment he feared she might had read his mind, because she looked straight into his eyes and nodded once at him, with her usual respect and kindness. Levi remained as undaunted as ever, but he truly hoped she could at least see in his eyes the silent apology he offered.
Without saying anything, she stood up, approached Erwin, wrote something down, tore out the piece of paper and handed it to him.
"That's my address, Commander. I'll be there in a couple minutes, but I'll have it ready in half an hour".
"We're thankful for your assistance today, Miss Stoltz" he shook her hand, formally. With a faint grateful smile on his face, calmer for Levi's prospect.
"I appreciate your trust, sir" she replied and glanced toward him for a couple seconds. It seemed like she was going to say something to him, but the healer hesitated and added nothing.
When he saw Erwin walking her out, she stopped at the sound of his voice.
"Thank you" Levi muttered, refraining from looking at her. Because he may have been a bastard but that didn't mean he was the ungrateful kind.
"No problem, Captain" she replied and left, taking away both, the soothing and unsettling effect of her presence, which made him both happy and sad. It was so fucking confusing!
It was just too much going on in her head and seeing him but being unable to treat him the way she'd have truly bothered her; still, she comprehended the Commander's reasons to stay. Besides, after what happened in the last 24 hours he probably didn't want to talk.
He most likely feels responsible for it, she said to herself, knowing it couldn't have been easy to confront their families to communicate such horrible news; it was somewhat similar to inform about a patient's decease and seeing in the faces of their loved ones that maybe you could have done more, but others plainly stared or acted accusingly at you. Although his situation was worse because he had to deal with his own grief as well, because he'd lost people he truly cared for. And Elia felt miserable to know he'd have no comfort from nothing and no one; it was the truth she saw in his lonely blue eyes.
When she made it home, Elia sighed, tired and aware of her increasing emotional stress, because she'd kept herself from crying all the way there. Opening the wound meant she might not know how to close it later and she still had to work on her report, as well as preparing the ointment before the soldier named Nicholas arrived.
She went straight into the kitchen, washed her hands and left her dinner cooking before getting the ingredients from her father's little workshop to start working on the Captain's medicine, which fortunately didn't take more than ten minutes. As soon as she got the right texture, thick, and the mixture acquired the right pale golden color, she put it inside a glass container and sealed it. So now, it was time to concentrate on writing her report for the doctor, unconsciously trying to keep herself busy to not think.
As expected, Commander's assistant arrived punctually at 9:30 PM and left immediately, with the ointment and a note indicating how to apply it and some tips for the massage. She'd considered whether to add something that could help him feel less alone that night, but Elia refrained from doing so, not knowing if anyone else might read it and so, make him uncomfortable. His distant behavior and mutism told her he didn't want others to know they knew each other; she noticed when he was so perplexed to see her, and there was a spark of fear she didn't know how to interpret but the many times he avoided looking at her only confirmed he wasn't in the mood for anything. Although in a way she appreciated it; had she seen him as Levi and not Captain Levi, it'd have been incredibly distracting, and she was already no better than him after the news she received from Petra's father.
"Done!" she said loudly, looking at the piece of paper she'd just signed and folded to leave it inside her bag.
The healer went back to the kitchen and checked on her food, glad to see the vegetable stew and rice were almost ready. To be honest, she had no appetite but not dinning was not an option, especially after getting over a flu so recently.
"Mmm this probably needs a little pepper" she mumbled absently, going to get the dressing from the pantry.
When she opened the little door and found it, she paid more attention to certain object because it was something Petra liked. She took it carefully, remembering this had been a present to her parents for their thirtieth-year anniversary.
"I doubt I can drink more than one glass, but I'll toast to honor the four of you, guys" she said to the squad Ilva admired so much. They were undoubtedly great people she was very fortuned to have met.
The woman took her plate to the dining table and instead of her usual cup of green tea, that sometimes replaced with mint, she grabbed the bottle of wine with her as well. And so, she continued to speak to her friend out loud every now and then, as if she'd been there too, just like she did when she needed to talk to her sister; imagining they were around provided a little consolation.
"Well, this doesn't taste great, but it isn't so bad either" she commented, still making a face after trying it.
Despite not having drinking habits, she knew it wasn't wise to do it without eating first, reason why she concentrated on her dinner but continued to sip the reddish beverage while she was at it. By the time she finished, and the wine's flavor got easily absorbed by her palate, she noted she'd had a whole glass without realizing it.
"OK. I'll drink one more and this time, just for you my friend" she said with a sad smile but full of affection towards her. Overconfident that nothing would happen because she didn't feel weird or drunk.
Elia talked to her for a long time and recalled her last visit, where the redhead tried to worm information out of her concerning her own boss. That made her smile apologetically, feeling a little remorseful but she still wouldn't say anything. It wasn't about trust, but rather not knowing what was really going on between the Captain and herself, though deep down, Elia was just trying to avoid brooding over it because there was no point. It'd only feed hopes and create expectations, but with all the things happening around and especially what he had to face constantly, there was no place for one or the other. For now, a little voice said to her. One that sounded exactly like Ilva's voice.
After a couple minutes lost in her thoughts, and still ignorant about how the wine had indeed taken effect a while ago, an overwhelming need to let it all out assaulted her.
"We were supposed to celebrate your return, Petra" this time, there was no smile, nor joy or hope. She just faced down and closed her eyes tightly as her body trembled, anticipating the tears.
She couldn't take it anymore. Knowing she'd never have a moment next to her again, listen to her voice and her ridiculous jokes or have a laugh for stupid and simple things, just the way they did since childhood. No more experiences to share, not even a minute to daydream together; Petra was gone, along with that warm and genuine smile, her kind but strong spirit, and those immensely affectionate and sincere expressions... She was gone, just like Ilva, and both took away a part of her with them.
The healer crossed her arms over the table to rest her head on her hands and cried bitterly for quite some time.
When she felt a little better, she wiped her tears with her own sleeve and unconsciously drank another glass of wine before going back to the kitchen to do the dishes, hiccupping every now and then.
Unexpectedly, as soon as she finished, she heard a knocking on the front door.
Who could it be at this hour? the woman was confounded, staring at the clock on the wall, the same that showed it was already past ten.
Just in case, she got the broom and approached, and startled a little when whoever this was insisted. But when she opened, she felt joyous to find another person she held as dear as Petra.
"Garrett?" the healer inquired, visibly surprised by his presence. But then he saw a welcoming smile on her face.
Was it his idea or did she seem happier than usual to see him? He even doubted his decision to visit because of how late it was, but he was glad that she didn't seem to mind.
She stepped aside to let him inside the house. However, as soon as he did and thanks to better visibility, he noticed something unusual.
"Elia" her face was reddish, her eyes swollen. She knows, he said to himself while he was taking off his coat "Are you okay?"
He turned and she was a few steps in front of him, but she wasn't looking to anything because her eyes were closed, the arms at her sides and she was stiffed. And so, from the joy of seeing him she went to sadness. The woman shook her head slowly as a response and then wept.
Without thinking, he moved forward and hugged her tightly, wanting to help her mitigate the pain that gripped her, trying to be careful given how small and fragile she felt in his arms. But now that he had her like this, he remembered his own fear to her rejection, which surprisingly didn't happen. She didn't hug him back, though he assumed that was due to her state of mind.
In any case, he was glad she trusted him enough to vent the emotions she'd been coping with even before Ilva's death.
"I just found out. That's why I came" he confessed, without expecting a response "I'm sorry, Elia" she continued to quiver and cry.
He really meant that. He may not trust or support their division and methods but that didn't mean he wished them harm, much less for all to perish at once. All except him, he repeated to himself, not really surprised given his reputation and abilities. But that wasn't an issue to discuss with her now. Besides, she probably knew he was fine.
"I'm sorry, Garrett" he heard her say, a little embarrassed while trying to recover "It's been a tough day" he let go and she finally faced him after wiping her eyes.
"Don't worry. I imagined it" she was very sad, but she still smiled at him with gratitude "However, you look sick compared to how I saw you this morning. Do you have a fever again?" her cheeks were red and that worried him.
"I swear, I'm fine" the healer said, and this time she looked away. Was she embarrassed? "If it's for my face, I guess that must be the wine".
"You were drinking wine?" he didn't hide his astonishment "I thought you didn't like it".
For some reason, this reminded him about the one time he stole a bottle from his parents' cellar and Elia had found Ilva and him drunk. Both feared she might give them away, but all she did was grin and promise they'd regret the misdeed the morning after.
"It's not so bad," she shrugged and beckoned him to take a sit at the table. It was then he noticed the half-empty bottle.
At least she seems to be better now, he observed, much calmer.
"But you're doing it wrong" he teased her, looking for ways to ease her grief and cheer her up a bit "Drinking alone isn't fun at all, Elia".
She looked at him with a grim face, pretending to be offended before walking away towards the kitchen, only to return a minute later with two glasses she placed on the table, one in front of each.
"Well, since you're here, might as well teach me these rules I'm so ignorant about" she invited him to do the honors.
Garrett half snorted half laughed at her face but obeyed. Knowing that this uninhibited attitude of hers was due to what she'd already drank.
"Fine. Umm, who do you want to toast to?" he asked, holding his glass after pouring wine for both.
"Now that you're here, and I am here as well…" she began to make no sense, which was both cute and funny to watch "…I choose my sister" she declared, concentrated in the dark red liquid, and then looked at him "Although, now that I remember, ever since she experienced a hangover, she avoided any kind of alcohol" this time she smiled, melancholic, but a bit giggly.
"Alright" he smiled back at her, mostly because she'd recalled the same memory he did before. Both raised their glasses and paused. "Here's for you, Ilva!" the man said, and they drank. But he stopped, quite alarmed to see how fast she'd drunk her glass in one sitting "Hey! Take it easy" he warned.
After years, and plenty hangovers, Garrett had developed a great tolerance for alcohol, but that wasn't the case for the woman in front of him, who seemed now resentful after he tried to take the glass away and defiantly poured another one. Ok, this is no longer fun, he said and then proceeded to tell stories from their past to distract her while he discreetly had the rest of the wine.
He knew she was quite inebriated when she tried to toast to his own mother, just because she loved the liquor.
"Can we go visit Mrs. Holt now?" Elia asked while she grabbed the empty bottle and still tried to pour more booze into her glass, but since nothing happened, she frowned at the object "I'm sure she has some more, doesn't she?"
The healer stood up and walked to the door slightly unsteady but seriously planning to go seeing his mother. Therefore, he followed her and tried to talk some sense into her; it was such a strange situation.
"Elia Stoltz! It's almost midnight and you want to go see my mother... are you insane?" he blocked the door and she stopped immediately, mad at him "Will you take responsibility for the beating she'll give me for taking you home this drunk?" that made her react, and she blinked several times trying to focus "I'll take you there but not now, not like this, ok?" she was nodding now but then stopped and stared at him, insulted.
"Hey, who are you calling a drunk?!" she exclaimed, but right after that she hiccoughed hard and covered her mouth, shocked "I'm just a bit tipsy, ok?"
"Yeah, right" he took her by the arm when he saw her looking down, troubled by her own behavior "You should go to bed now".
"I don't want to sleep" she muttered, and she sounded a bit scared, which he could understand "Can we talk some more?" Elia said, looking into his eyes. And hers were as perfect as ever, only this time they seemed to beg him to stay a while.
"I would, but it's a little late and I have to go, Elia" he said, trying to appease his own anxiety.
"I understand" she mumbled sad, slowly letting go of his arm "Everyone is going to where I can't follow" she started crying again, though not like before because she barely made a sound at this moment.
Garrett breathed out, unsure, and scratched his head deciding what to do. It wasn't that he didn't want to be by her side, but there was something that made him a little uneasy about being this close; for some strange reason, he felt her so far away.
"I'll stay until you fall asleep, ok? So, promise me you'll go to bed right now" he stated, authoritative.
She looked up at him, nodding thankfully. Despite her eyes were still teary, the innocent smile on her face was contagious.
He didn't think it was possible for her to stay awake this long, but Elia fought the urge to sleep for at least an hour. She was laying down, covered with blankets, and looked at him from time to time while he laid on Ilva's bed in the same position except he his arms were crossed.
When he was sure she wouldn't wake up until the next morning, he stood up and watched her sleeping peacefully for a few minutes, rejoicing at the last coherent thing she demanded shortly before surrendering to exhaustion.
"You are forbidden to die, you hear me?" she had turned her face to see him. And regardless of the dim light of a single candle, the brightness in her eyes was undoubtedly furious yet at the same time imploring.
As soon as he heard that, he realized he still loved her as he always did, but he had no idea what to do about it.
Perhaps it's not good to wait so long, he thought to himself as he put out the candlelight, ready to head outside. He'd decided it was best to give her time, but he had no idea now. Especially when he recalled that emotionless face and the dangerous sparkle in his gaze when they faced each other around a month ago. He actually even considered the possibility of running into that man's presence here, but he was happy that hadn't been the case.
"I wish you could let me love you, Elia. We could build a beautiful family together, you know?" he whispered right before walking out of her room, replaying in his head the instant when she asked him not to leave her.
Eren was the last to leave the room, considerably stunned and refusing the idea that this girl, Annie Leonhart, could be the Female Titan that slaughtered so many that very morning.
He on the other hand, still couldn't believe receiving this intel when they finally made it back to in Trost's HQ. Even less coming from a 15-year-old lad who's just returned from his first mission outside, fortunately in one piece with a minor injury.
The boy was clever, no doubt about it. He'd figured there might be spies among the ranks and that drove him to write a letter, deliver it to him and then just leave. A message in which he shared his suspicions on a fellow cadet who now was part of the Military Police Brigade. The paper contained much data from those years of training, but most importantly, a series of speculations based on the female titan's behavior and also the possibility that the Colossus and Armored titan near as well, among his generation. All were possible enemies, except for three names.
The blond grabbed the letter that was on the table, and read it f or the umpteenth time, as if there was some clue he'd missed. But the boy would have shared that during the recent meeting with a couple officers, Levi and the three comrades he'd mentioned.
Actually, Armin Arlert represented a very good resource to them. He saw details where the rest didn't, and he was rather more practical than emotional, leading him to clever ideas. Like the last one, about sending his fellow generation to the old corps facilities inside Wall Rose, away from Stohess and the operation they'd planned to capture Annie Leonhart. Because if he was right, not everything had been in vain and that gave him the energy to continue.
Suddenly, the noise coming from the old door hinges startled him a little, interrupting his pondering. But it was Levi, carrying a cup of tea with him.
"I thought you'd left to have some rest already" Erwin said, before drinking some water "There's a lot to do tomorrow regarding the day after. And I'm afraid is going to be as difficult as today".
"I came back because of certain doubts I rather discuss with you alone. I wasn't going to behave like a stupid teenager and disagree with you in front of the brats" the Captain clarified and took a seat to his right.
"I see" the Commander accepted.
"I assume you're aware that if Arlert is right, many people, especially civilians, will die in this operation" he pointed out, frowning at the idea.
"Unfortunately, I fear there's no other way" He didn't like the idea of sacrificing innocent people either. Erwin tried finding an alternative but to count on Nile or any person outside his circle would be a huge mistake "Anything suspicious will warn her, and there won't be another place or chance to capture her. We already tried and failed, Levi".
"Even so, we're cannon fodder, and we know death is part of the menu, but civilians are not the same. I don't care for most people but I'm sure there are some decent folks among them" Levi drank what was left of his tea and breathed out, tired and concerned "Good or bad, they're all damn curious, and they'll want to see what's going on in their city. Especially children".
Erwin got up and walked around the room, with a hand in his chin, reflecting on it. Maybe there was a way to evacuate the place without telling the truth.
"Since neither the identity nor the apprehension of Eren are a secret, we could use that" he paced around the room and didn't speak too loud but his friend heard every word "People enjoy being a spectator, and if we make public the convoy's itinerary and time of arrival at the capital, a lot of them will head in that direction. We could use it as a second diversion".
This time, he went back to his seat and noticed Levi's expression was a bit less preoccupied now, after understanding the plan. It was a good way to empty part of the district.
"Human curiosity being handy for the first time ever" despite his sarcasm, he finally sounded more convinced about course of action "Not perfect but better than nothing, I guess".
Even if the world didn't appreciate it, they fought for them. Levi above all. The uncaring soldier who apparently was uninterested and usually seemed so bored. But he knew better.
When he stood beside him, he placed his hand on his shoulder and nodded. He needed a drink, but that'd have to wait until reaching his own room.
His friend looked like he needed to relax a bit too, and so he decided to lighten the mood with something of an entirely different nature, a good one, but that didn't mean the soldier would enjoy discussing it. The only reason he hadn't previously said a word was not to make him cranky before the meeting.
He poured himself another glass of water and took his seat once again, looking at Levi, who was now staring at the door, absentminded.
"How is your leg doing now?" he enquired, wanting to know but also trying to pave the way to confirm his suspicions.
"You're being annoying again" the soldier said as irritated as he'd been all day, especially after the nurse's visit but since the man didn't get offended, he gave up and answered anyways "I'm fine, Erwin".
"Good. You may not like it, but we had to make sure it was nothing serious" he replied and glanced at his injured leg before focusing on his own hands, holding the glass "And I'm also proud of you, Levi"
"Huh?" the man raised his eyebrow, confused "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You were incredibly well behaved tonight, and I appreciate it" he'd been really amazed when the woman managed to silent Levi and led him to cooperate.
It had been strange at first, but then he connected the dots regarding her family name and the sister he'd heard her mentioned during part of the conversation with the older man; it all made sense. And he hadn't even intended on eavesdropping.
"You always exaggerate" the Captain snorted, and he seemed calmed but Erwin knew him, and he was sure he divert his eyes from him for a second. He did that when he got anxious "I was just too tired to fight you for bringing a nurse" Levi shrugged, trying to rest importance to it, feigning indifference.
"I don't. This is the first time you don't scare away the medical personnel" he pointed out, innocently "Although, maybe it was this person's attitude. She seriously just wanted to fulfill her duty and her level of discipline is nearly as strong as your sternness".
He watched the Captain look to his foot, as if trying to find something wrong to distract him.
He probably didn't succeed, so instead, he got up and paced around to exercise his leg a little, unable to leave; escaping would be exactly like confirming his suspicions and let him see things he wasn't ready to face himself. It was a moment the Commander couldn't help a knowing smile on his face.
"What's with the idiotic smile?" the soldier demanded, cornered but refusing to show anything nor yield.
"Have you ever considered having a family, Levi?" he asked, bluntly and very serious. By the way he stopped moving, he could tell this question was the last thing he'd expected.
There it was, for the briefest moment: the sudden surprise and shock in his eyes, staring right back at him. The man tried to subdue his reaction, but Erwin saw it before it disappeared.
"I'm beginning to think you're either delusional or into drugs" he may have hidden his emotions, but underneath the sarcasm he was all grumpy now. A small variation in his tone gave him away "What's with that question?"
"Nothing in particular. It was just a sudden thought that came to my mind after seeing you with the nurse" Levi wasn't prepared for such a direct attack, but Erwin's mind was way too sharp, and he surely did the math, figuring out she was no stranger to him.
"What about her made you think of something like that?" he replied instead of responding. Which amused the Commander.
"Firstly, she's the one stranger who didn't get a harsh orbiting word from you" he said, relaxed and pensive "But leaving that aside, she's a strong woman with an interesting mind. I wish you had seen her a couple minutes before we came to your office. You'd understand better".
Levi probably knew that about her, but he was determined not showing interest. Too bad that Erwin had picked his curiosity, only he stubbornly waited for him to provide more information without having to ask for it. The blond smirked for himself.
"When I was on my way here, I found her talking to a middle-aged man; Nicholas told me it was Petra Ral's father" the Commander explained and once again, saw the pain in his eyes. The loss of his former squad had been a huge blow to Levi and couldn't blame him; he respected those four soldiers too "Well, I won't quote everything she said but that woman certainly isn't one of those petty human beings with selfish behavior".
"Good for her" was all he said, no tone or emotion. And Erwin knew he wasn't going to fall in this trap again.
"You don't need to make that face, Levi" the blond gave away a sad smile, comprehending it was enough for today "It was just a nice image to think about after seeing you so alone for so long. A man needs something to hold on to at one point of his life, especially when it's something worth living".
"I never took you for a hopeless romantic" the Captain replied sarcastically, less upset at least "Maybe you're an anonymous rhymer or something".
"Believe it or not, I'm as human as you" this was his way of reminding him that, even with all his wit and strength, or him with his privileged mind, they were people too.
"Sorry to break it to you but it's not like we have the time for such luxuries" he declared somewhat spiritless now and headed to the door, avoiding him. But Erwin knew he wasn't going to be able to evade himself.
"Who knows…" he said, thinking about his own decision to quit the possibility.
He foresaw he'd die in this war, but he doubted the same fate for his friend. Besides, he'd known a happy life before his father died, but Levi's case was the opposite and was also why he wished him something better.
"Nicholas said he left the medicine in your bedroom already" he informed before the man closed the door behind him.
Of course, he saw something… trying to be less suspicious had completely backfired on him.
The instant he got away from there, Levi pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to clear his mind a bit. He generally did when was stressed; he might haven't answered anything to Erwin, but his words were like the buzz of a bee close to his ear.
Whether he was interested or not, he didn't believe it possible. Mostly because he thought she didn't deserve someone like him, a human waste that could vanish at any time. And even if the possibility existed, it was surely gone under his recent behavior and the fateful events of that day.
Argh! Fuck you, Erwin! he grumbled, vexed at the realization that the blond had accomplished his intention with this food for thought. He'd been mulling over it like the fool he was.
As soon as he reached his room and noticed the little glass container on top of his nightstand, his heart felt slightly lighter.
"Is not an improvement but I'm glad you died peacefully, soldier" he muttered to Ilva Stoltz, finding some peace in the fact this woman's little sister had been spared from being murdered like the others.
He realized then, had that been the case, he'd have met this woman on this day. And she'd have treated him like the nightmare he hated, because she wouldn't have known the person underneath the soldier. Although, that still seemed so unlikely.
Levi sat on his bed, took off his shoes and the bandage to apply the ointment before falling asleep. As soon as he opened it, he easily recognized the smell of lavender in it, which reminded him of the first night he went to her house. The man closed his eyes for a second and saw her steel-gray eyes staring at him, but not accusingly; that wasn't her. It was then he comprehended how wrong he'd been to consider that possibility, because among the things he liked about that woman, her compassion and genuine kindness proved how wrong that scenario was.
She'd been distant, but her own grief for Petra and his other subordinates probably hit her hard and was enough to explain that behavior. Not to mention he knew he didn't make things easier.
Tch! You're thinking about it again you idiot… he scolded himself as he laid on his bed after following her instructions to let his foot resting over a cushion.
The Captain sighed but he felt a little lighter now. Knowing this changed nothing between them, nor how reluctant he was to see her for now, and even less to seek what Erwin suggested, but the certainty of her forgiveness was all he needed for the moment.
Cry by Cigarettes After Sex it's a song that inspired several parts from this chapter, especially Levi's POVs.
If there's anyone with actual medical knowledge here, I'm open to corrections because I'm no expert (I research as much as possible though).
Thanks for reading!
Namárië