Chapter 8

Sara took in the vision of the sun baking into his strong forearms and thought about them locked around her. She loved the way he held her, the way his hands moved over her skin with no hesitation. It was true that their physical relationship had not progressed very far, they had shared amazing kisses, and Grissom had been affectionate but he had never pressed for anything further and until now she had been satisfied with what they had. Watching him gather a thin layer of dirt and sweat while clearing her mothers yard rekindled a deeper desire.

Her mother joined her at the window. "He's a good one. Hang on to him."

Sara said nothing, just scooted a little and made room for another person on the trunk. They both watched as Grissom trimmed the unruly lawn into neat little rows.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to talk the last time you were here. You took me by surprise." The older woman laid her hand over the younger, smoother one on the windows ledge. "I know that it's been a struggle, for us both, but Sara I don't regret what I did. I regret that I let it go as far as it did, I'm sorry that I couldn't find a way to make him get help earlier on but I can't live back there."

A tear ran down Sara's cheek. Grissom looked up toward the window and seeing the women waved and smiled. She returned the wave, the smile she couldn't quite manage.

"Mom? Was dad one of the good ones, in the beginning?"

"Your dad was a dreamer. He always had a plan, a scheme. He was good at telling stories and making everyone believe them and yes, I believe he had a very good heart. The problem was that he started to believe his stories, he wanted to pull things from his fantasies and make them true but he didn't know how. It ate away at him. He began to drink; he began to experiment with drugs. He said that it helped him to see things more clearly but all it really did was make him feel like the intangible was just beyond his grasp. When he would come up with crazy plans I would try to ground him but he saw that as my stopping him from reaching for what he wanted and he began to resent me, and unfortunately, you by extension."

"He was so proud of me as a kid but then it all just changed."

"He thought you would follow in his foot steps and excel. Then you passed him by. You didn't just stretch out your hand, you grabbed the brass ring and he knew he never would. It wasn't your fault Sara. It wasn't even his fault. It was just unfortunate circumstance and if I had been stronger I would have taken us away from him when he began to get violent but I loved him. I wanted to make him better."

She let that sit between them for long moments and then asked, "Do you love Gil, Sara? As he is? Because if you love only parts of him and think that your love can make the rest okay you'll fail, but if you love him just as he is you can be happy."

A hard lump had formed in her throat, it took three good swallows to move it away and allow her to speak. "I love him mom, exactly as he is. He isn't perfect, I wouldn't have any idea what to do with him if he was, but there is nothing I need to change about him, or pretend isn't true."

Sara waited a beat and then couldn't stop herself from asking, "Do you still love dad?"

Her mother thought for a long time. "I still love the man I married. In the end he wasn't the same, but I think I loved what was truly him and hated what had happened to him. Did I love him when I killed him? Fear killed him, protection of my child killed him and the man I killed wasn't the man I married. Could I kill again? To protect you, to protect your brother, to protect myself, I could, and so could you. Does that make us deranged? No. It makes us human."

Sara held her mothers hand in her own. "I don't blame you for not leaving. I don't think Gris has the capacity for any of it, but if he started to have problems I know I'd stick it out, I'd have to at least try."

"We've cleaned enough today. Your brother's new wife is going to have to take us as we are from here out. Let's go make some lunch and feed that man of yours."

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"No more grandkid talk okay? We've barely just found our way to each other, I don't want anyone getting too far ahead of themselves, even if it's a joke."