Night of the Living Out of Character People

Attack of the Trap Door Lover

As if the situation was not awkward enough – the reader will remember that Erik was suddenly not dead, and had random swords of menacing pointing – there came a second fairy, even more sparkly than the first.

"Hello!" she said sweetly, and all the people in the garden stared, certain that there must be too much fluoride in the water these days. "I am the Fairy of Random Out of Character-ness, and I'm bringing you all a present."

"Oh, goody!" Erik cried. "I love presents! What is it? Is it a new torture chamber?"

Raoul and Christine stared at him, drawing Augustine closer to them.

The fairy was also somewhat unnerved by this. "….No….. I've brought you friends to play with and love forever and ever!"

The reader may think, as many a reader often has, that the Fairy of Random Out of Character-ness was bringing puppies. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Instead, also appearing randomly in the garden, were four more people! First there came Sensative!Erik, who, upon seeing Christine, fell weeping at her feet, which made her feel very awkward. Sensative!Erik was followed by Raoul's evil twin brother, Rodney, who was drinking heavily, pistol in hand, and trying to fire at the sparrows perched on the picket fence. He was followed by their cousin, Rupert the Wimpy, who, at the sight of Erik, burst into tears, hiding behind Rodney, who promptly cuffed him in his drunken rage of drunkenness. To finish the happy party off, there came Slutty!Christine, complete with an opera costume that showed far more of her midriff than was appropriate, her bosom beginning to fall out.

After a very long, confused silence, the real Raoul managed to say, "Who are all of you and what on God's green earth are you doing in my rose garden!"

The drunken Raoul twin Rodney slung his arm around his good twin's shoulder, slurring, "No idea, chap. I don't suppose you have an ardent spirits to help a man? This little whore," he now grabbed the slutty Christine's wrist, giving it a vicious yank, "has been causing me nothing but trouble."

Raoul, being the good sweet man of good sweetness that he is, was instantly offended, shoving his evil twin off his shoulder. "Monster! How dare you touch my wife! I mean…um….the woman who….looks like my wife….sorta…." Confused, he paused a moment, glancing from Christine to Slutty Christine, who, from here on shall be referred to as Smutstine. Finally, he had to ask, "Who's what again?"

"Raoul, darling, I'm over here," his wife said, shaking her head.

"Oh, yes, of course, love."

Sensative!Erik, or, as we shall call him, Serik, had resumed making a weepy puddle at Christine's ankles. "Christine, I adore you, and you've broken my heart! But I am here to save you!" He then stared at Augustine, quite surprised. "Is he mine?"

Christine was both shocked and disgusted. "Good Heaven's, no! We never had any promiscuous behavior, Erik!"

Raoul had just had the shocker of his life, and grabbing his son, stalked over to the other side of the garden, crying. "Christine, you promised you didn't let him do anything!"

Christine was upset as well, not to mention confused. "I didn't, love, honest! You know better than anyone that it was you that took my virginity."

Rodney waggled a suggestive eyebrow. "And she's not the only one I've sprung."

Raoul, hearing this comment, rushed across the garden, seizing his twin by the throat like a fighting dog. "Brute! How dare you speak to the Vicomtess de Chagny so coarsely?"

And through all of this, while Rupert huddled in a corner in the fetal position and Smutstine hit on Serik, the real Erik just sort of stood there and blinked. pal, get in line," snarled Raoul, having released his evil twin's throat. Finally, he herded his family inside the house, locking the poorly conceived copies as well as the real Erik outside.

…

"Okay, can someone please explain what's going on?"

Christine blinked, shook her head, and said nothing. Augustine proceeded to flop onto the floor, playing with a small toy pony. "You know as well as we do, dear heart," Christine finally said.

"Maybe if we just ignore them, they'll go away?" Suggested her husband, taking a seat opposite her.

"Raoul, we can't keep them in the garden forever!"

"You're right, they're stepping on the begonias."

"That's not quite the reason I was thinking of, but I suppose it works…."

"What if we tie them in a bag and put them on a train far, far away?"

"They'd never fit in a bag?"

"Okay, sweetheart, I'm loath to do this, you know that, but I think this is the final solution: I'll get my pistol, take them out back one by one, and-"

"Raoul!"

"Well, it's a perfectly reasonable solution!"

Christine drew Augustine into her lap, quite resolute. "I will not have you firing guns around our son!"

"But, darling, we can't just-" he protested.

"I've spoken my piece," she replied, clamping her jaw.

"But-"

"No."

"I-"

"I've spoken my piece!"

They then just sat their in as bad of moods as they ever were around each other, pouting as was their want after a fight. "Well, then what do you propose we do?"

Christine smoothed her son's hair, planting a kiss on it. "Be good Christians and just put up with it for now."

"Put up with it?" he cried, flabbergasted. "Put up with two Eriks running here and there in my garden!"

"Darling, I don't like it either, but there doesn't seem to be anything we can do. Maybe eventually they'll just leave?"

"We can only hope, my love…we can only hope…."

But would the out of character people leave? Only God, and they enormously clever author know! The reader will have to wait for the next installment, Revenge of the Angel of Music!