AN: I am so, so sorry. I did not mean to go this long without an update (almost 4 months, yikes!). I wish I had a good excuse, but I really don't. So I will only say that I am extremely sorry, and blame it on my muse-bunnies, who skipped to Jamaica without telling me. Chocolate chip cookies to the six people who reviewed since my last post. This isn't very long, and I apologize for that, too, but I thought you might like to have this now rather than in another four months.

One more thing. This chapter may make more sense if you have read Kyrissean's fic "How to Catch Bishounen." If you haven't, GO READ IT. It won't kill you. Promise.

Disclaimer: Must I say it? But I don't want to. :pouts: Fine. I don't own Suikoden, I'm merely borrowing its characters for a little while. I can't even lay claim to the "I-statement," because that's one of the three things I remember from 7th grade Speech. Anyway, please enjoy.

Session 9: Relationship Therapy

When Mio entered the therapy room this time, it was to find a very uncomfortable Chris Lightfellow hunched in one of the plastic chairs. The cause of her discomfort might only have been being in this room, where so many strange things had taken place. More likely, it was because of the proximity of her knights.

Borus and Percival had both pulled their chairs close to Lady Chris, while the other three had eschewed the chairs altogether, preferring to stand behind her. They were practically breathing down her neck. Leo made a particularly imposing figure in his spiked mail, but Roland and Salome had not exactly backed off, either. Added to that, the knights were so busy shooting heated glares at one another that not one of them noticed their captain's discomfort.

They were not the only patients for this session, of course. They were merely the most conspicuous. Nash was seated three seats away from the White Hero, to Percival's left. Doubtless he believed Percival was the least likely to rip his arms off for looking at Lady Chris, as he was currently doing. His smile was not quite leering, but it was a close thing. Ace was seated to Nash's left, tipping his chair back on its back legs as far as it would go. Lastly, to round out the group, were Franz and Iku, seated next to one another two seats to Borus' right. Iku eyes were on her hands folded in her lap, but Franz was staring with a hungry expression at Nash, of all people. This should certainly be an interesting session.

Mio took her seat and cleared her throat. She made a show of fidgeting with her clipboard. "Could everyone please sit down, so we may begin?" she asked politely. She had not donned any armor for this session, hoping that it would prove unnecessary. Now that she was here, however, she was beginning to doubt her decision.

Lady Chris glanced up, her confusion evident in the lack of her usual icy expression. "Excuse me. I don't quite understand what I'm doing here. What's going on?"

Most of the rest of the "patients" seemed similarly perplexed. Of the two with similar experiences in the past, Ace was twiddling his thumbs, paying absolutely no attention, and Borus was flushing bright crimson and studying the tips of his iron boots.

Mio cleared her throat, clearly uncomfortable, and explained, "This is a therapy session."

"What sort of therapy?" inquired Percival curiously, leaning forward.

"Relationship therapy."

Chris blinked. "Excuse me?"

"You know…for people who are having relationship troubles," Mio clarified.

"But…why am I here?" Chris asked, thoroughly puzzled.

Mio made a show of checking her clipboard, so she did not have to meet the knight's gaze. "Because you are so completely unaware of the fact that half of the men you've met are infatuated with you." Chris' knights suddenly took great interest in the floor, the ceiling, and the recently repainted walls.

"What?"

Nash grinned at the oblivious hero. "With such beauty and poise, how could we not be smitten?"

Leo growled, reaching a hand for his confiscated axe, while Roland physically restrained Borus.

"I thought you had a wife," Salome remarked quietly.

Nash chuckled and made a show of relaxing in his chair. "Oh, yeah. My missus is a fearsome lady. Almost a match for this one."

"No one's a match for Lady Chris," Borus declared heatedly. "And you sure as hell better keep your unwanted attentions away from her."

"Surely the lady can rebuff my 'unwanted attentions' for herself…if she wants to, that is." Nash smirked.

"Why you!" Borus snarled, jerking against Roland and Salome, who were now both holding him back. Chris was sitting quite still, red-faced, plainly wishing she were anywhere else. Nash yawned pointedly.

"Frankly, I don't see why I'm here," the spy remarked.

"Or me!" Ace interjected, the shouting having gotten his attention.

Mio sighed. "You, Nash, try to seduce every woman in sight despite the fact that you're married to a woman who could most likely tear you to pieces. Ace, you simply try to seduce every woman in sight, usually in an unflattering and disgusting manner. This has led you to a string of failed relationships."

"Hey, no need to be so mean about it!" Ace protested. He pulled a bottle out of his shirt and took a swig. Obviously, his AA meetings were not very productive.

Mio turned to Franz and Iku, who were still sitting quietly. "You two just seem to need a little communication." Iku nodded thoughtfully, but Franz was staring at Percival.

"Franz? Franz?" Mio prodded.

Iku shook his arm. He turned to face her. "What?"

She sighed. "Mio was just saying that we need to communicate more."

"We communicate just fine," Franz snapped. He turned back to staring at the knights, this time at Borus.

Iku sighed again. "I'm sorry. He's been like this for days now."

"Oh?"

"Something about bishonen." She shrugged. Nash raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

Mio scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to Iku.

"What's this?" Iku asked, puzzled.

I feel (blank) when you (blank).

"This is called an 'I-statement.' It is used to clearly express how you feel about what another person has done or said. I think the two of you should practice using them," Mio explained.

"Alright," Iku agreed. She shook Franz's arm again, drawing his attention back to her. "Franz, I feel angry when you ignore me."

"Very good," Mio praised.

"Huh?" Franz asked, not having heard a word for the last minute.

"You'll have to forgive him, Iku," Nash said helpfully. "He was too enthralled in staring at Percival." He snickered. "Maybe that's who he should be in a relationship with."

"I'm not gay!" Franz protested. "I just don't understand why I'm not bishonen!"

Percival raised his eyebrows. "Is that what this is about?"

"Believe me, it's not worth it," Borus said with a shudder.

"Don't worry, Franz. I think you're bishonen," Iku reassured him.

Chris blinked. "What's a bishonen?"

"I think we're getting a little off-track," Mio interrupted. "Chris, how does it make you feel when men argue over you?"

"When they do what?"

"Oh, Sadie save me," Percival groaned. Ace took another swig of alcohol.

"Did you really not realize that Borus and Percival were fighting over you?" Mio inquired.

"Is that what you think?" Percival asked.

"You mean you don't?" countered Borus. Percival muttered something inaudible and looked away.

"Borus, why don't you explain how you feel to Chris?"

Borus sputtered for a moment. Nash spoke into the opening, "I should think it was quite obvious."

"I've had about enough of you!" Borus growled. He lunged at Nash too quickly for any of his fellows to stop him, not that they particularly wanted to. He knocked Nash to the floor, pinning him under seventy pounds of armor as well as his own weight. Leo and Roland moved to pull him off. While he raged incoherently, Percival murmured to Lady Chris, "Care to sneak out?" She nodded, scarlet-faced, and stood. They edged around Borus, who was still struggling to get at Nash, and headed for the door.

Eventually, Borus calmed and reseated himself. Then he blinked and looked around. "Where is Lady Chris? And Percival?" After a moment, he realized what he had implied. His jaw dropped. "That traitor! That low-down no-good dirty rotten b-"

"Okay, that's enough for today!" Mio broke in, in a falsely cheerful voice. "Good progress today. You're free to go."

Borus stormed out of the room muttering imprecations. Leo, Roland, and Salome followed close behind, though whether to help or hinder their comrade was unclear. Nash sauntered out soon after, along with Franz, Iku, and Mio. Ace stayed behind to get thoroughly smashed.

Don't forget to review! Flames will be used to heat my apartment. And laughed at. I could use a good joke.