The air feels thick. Josh thought to himself standing on the White House lawn.
He took a deep breath.
Maybe it's me.
He wandered back into the building, winding through the familiar hallways until he came to the bullpen.
He had instintivly known she'd be there. She had avoided it last time, Josh had wondered why. Did she think it would jinx the campaign? Did she think it would bring back memories she didn't want? He was afraid it was that one.
He wondered if all the memories from that room were tainted for her now. Tainted by his non-goodbye. He could see her sitting there in the empty room on the empty desk that used to be his. Theirs really. It was just as much hers as it was his.
He froze watching her through the open door. How had it become so difficult? How had they gotten to the place where their bodies were in sink but their minds were still stuck teetering on the edge of what had transpired outside that door a year ago.
She hadn't been back since that day. The day she'd left him standing there looking like an idiot. Looking like a lost kid at WalMart waiting for his mother to magically reappear.
I should have ran after her. I should have chased her into the parking lot. I should have told her then. That was the moment. I should have told her. Kissed her, begged her to wait for me to pick a guy. Begged her to wait until we could leave together.
Maybe she didn't want to go back to that day, back to their place. It was where they had found and lost each other. It was where they were Josh and Donna. It was where she'd walked away from him and he had let her. Josh swallowed hard, longing to walk away right now himself. While at the same time, longing to never move from this spot again.
She looked up at him, it was only then he noticed she was crying. She wiped her eyes, studying him for answers. He wondered if the questions were about Leo or them? Who her tears were for? A slow smile spread across her face, she slipped off of his desk and met him at her old one.
Now or never. Now or never. He wanted it to be never. He didn't want to ever think about that day ever again. He had to through. He had to tell her.
"If I could go back Donna, I'd take you to lunch." The words strangled out of his throat as it tightened, his eyes burning with the sudden rush of salty tears. Her lips trembled for a moment and he blinked to read her eyes with his. He knew now he was right, she'd been avoiding this memory.
"I shouldn't have-." Her voice broke, he brought his hand to her face tracing away her tears with his thumb.
"I miss you." He whispered, she tried to choke back a remorseful sob. "I miss you so much. You're right here... You're right here with me and I miss you. We work together everyday and I miss you." He brought his lips to hers and kissed her. "We do that and I still miss you. We make love and I still miss you. Where are you?"
Her shoulders shook forward in short choppy movements, her near silent sobs making little sniffing noises on each return of breath.
"Are you here? Is this where you are?" Her arms came around him now. One winding up from his neck into his hair while the other slipped under his elbow and across his back. "I need you Donna. I need you." He rested his forehead on hers. "Where are you?"
"I'm here Josh." She pressed her lips together sniffing at the tears pooling above them. "I am."
"I can't feel you." He pleaded, praying she'd understand his words. He didn't even understand his words.
"Just let me in." She pulled him tighter to her, his chin burring itself in her shoulder. He pressed his face into her neck.
"How?" He whimpered from her hair.
"Talk to me." She whispered. "Just talk to me, Joshua."
"I'm.. I'm so scared." She smoothed back his hair and he squeezed her tighter. "I needed him. I needed him to talk it through with.. To tell me what to do... I-I can't do it."
"Yes you can." She soothed. "You can. CJ will help you. CJ's been there."
"CJ doesn't get me." He whispered sounding like that lost little boy again.
"I get you." She breathed, turning her cheek and kissing the side of his head. "I'll help you Josh. I'll be there." He pulled up a little meeting her eyes for a second before pressing his head back into her.
"Don't ever leave me again. Donna please.. don't ever leave me again."
He was standing in his office looking the same as he had on the day he left.
Well, older maybe, more tired if that was even possible, but the same.
Sam almost felt like old times. It almost seemed close enough to touch.
"Hey." He turned towards him, almost dropping the file he was holding.
"You came." Josh whispered, appraising his friend for a long moment. "You're here."
"Yeah." Sam shook the handle of his briefcase nervously, lowering his voice to Josh's level. "I'm here."
"I'm- I'm-. You're here." Josh sputtered quietly.
"Why are we whispering?" Sam shook his head then rattled the handle again. Josh's eyes followed the noise down until he saw what it was. "Josh?" His head popped back up. "Why are we whispering?"
Josh shook himself out of his stupor and pointed to the brown leather couch where Donna was sleeping.
"She's.. tired." He said absently. "We've.. you don't sleep the last few days... "
"I remember." He nodded his head. It hadn't been so long that he didn't remember campaigns.
"Yeah. Well.. she's tired." His eyes took in the sight of her body on the couch like she was an Adonis. Somethings never change, Sam thought to himself.
"Josh?" Hello? Best friend standing here. One you haven't seen in a really long time.
"Yeah." He was 'standoffish' Josh, 'emotionally distant' Josh. 'I'm barely keeping it together' Josh.
"Should I be doing something?" He was starting to feel nervous.
"Like what?" He was being aloof now.
"Like a job or something?" He sighed. Didn't people have to be called? Didn't things have to be ordered? Isn't that what happens when someone dies?
"I hear Vice President Elect has an opening." Josh looked at his shoes before lifting a smirk up towards his friend. Sam didn't smile. "Talk to Margaret and Debbie. They're handling everything with.. the.. you know.." Sam nodded again.
"How are you doing?" He nodded his head with the question, Josh smirked at that.
"I'm okay." He shot a glance back to the woman on the couch. "I'll be okay."
"I'm going to go talk to Margaret then." He nodded towards the door.
"Sam?" Seaborn turned, his briefcase swinging up as he did. "I mean it, you know? We need a VP. We need a Communications Director. We need a cabinet." Josh's voice trailed off.
"I-. It's good to see you Josh." He watched the look of realization come to his best friends face before he nodded his head back down until he was looking at his shoes.
"Yeah." He looked back at Donna, Sam knew what he was doing, seeking strength from her.
"We should get a beer while I'm here." Sam said, his voice lifting optimistically, like he was suddenly trying to please his big brother or something.
"Yeah." Josh took a loud staggering breath and looked at him quickly. "Sure." Sam nodded back, his head dropping slightly as he turned and walked back towards the oval. "Sure. Not like I have a country to run." He heard Josh mutter to himself before the door closed on his old office.