A/N This chapter is all about what happened with Josh and Sam.. and how he and CJ had more to do with Donna's departure than we know.. or in CJ's case then Josh knows. I know it makes Sam seem harsh.. but I can totally see it happening quickly before he realized it was even happening. But fear not.. it's going to be a long fic. and this will all make a nice tidy ending.. i'm almost positive of that. so.. Sam lovers.. don't hate me.. I love Sam too.. he's just apart of a very complicated misunderstanding between Josh and Donna.. cause I know.. that Josh did not expect Donna to hold his coat forever.-- Lori
"What the hell did you do?" CJ's voice cut through the silence of the room.
Josh jumped out of his chair and headed towards the doorway, glancing at Donna as he quickly pushed her into the hall.
"CJ." He pressed his lips together.
"What's going on with you and Sam?" Josh looked down at his shoes. What did he do? Run crying to CJ? "Josh?"
"Nothing." Josh's eyes never left his shoes.
"Josh how long has it been since you've talked to-?" CJ! CJ! Josh is being mean to me!
"CJ." He sighed her name again.
"What the hell's going on?" She stepped closer, he moved to the side away from her but further from Donna's ear shot.
"Nothing." He whispered.
"Josh Lyman he is your best friend! How long has it been since you've-?" She pushed.
"CJ!" He said a little more firmly. Screw Sam.
"Let me guess no matter what I ask, your answer is going to be 'nothing'?" He watched her eyes narrow on his.
"It's nothing for you to waste your time-." He rubbed his face, feeling the rising tension start to build up.
"It's Sam." Her voice was almost accusatory.
"I KNOW IT'S SAM!" He yelled. Don't you think I know it's Sam?
He took a deep breath, she took a step back.
"I know it's Sam." He whispered.
"I.. I just want us all to-." Her voice was almost desperate, pleading.
"I know." He mumbled remorsefully.
"It's none of my business." She nodded softly.
"CJ, I'm..." He closed his eyes for the apology.
"No.. this is.. I'm.." She put her hands up as she sputtered.
"I.. We'll talk later? I.. can't do this now.." He shot her a helpless look. "I'm-."
She nodded sympathetically accepting his non-apology before slipping back towards her office.
Donna was starring at him when he walked back through the door.
"What's going on?" She asked warily, the sleep still heavy in her voice. He knelt down beside the couch.
"Nothing go back to sleep." He said softly. "I'm sorry I woke you."
"Sam's here?" He nodded slowly, studying her before breaking eye contact. "Josh you have to let it go."
"Yeah?" He looked towards the wall absently. You have no idea..
"Josh?" She whispered softly.
"Yeah." He conceded matching her volume.
"Let it go." He nodded as she said this, his eyes still focused on the wall.
"You should go back to sleep." He told her slowly sliding his gaze back to her sympathetic expression. She blinked at him, concern deep in her eyes. "I'll.. fix it... I'll let it go."
"Good." She said softly.
"Okay." He breathed.
"He didn't do it to hurt you." She told him.
"Okay." He breathed again with more finality. She watched him for a moment before he stood up and kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep."
"Sam." She'd been standing there for a while, waiting for him to notice her.
"Donna?" He smiled at her cautiously. "You look good."
"You too." She smiled back over the overwhelming silence.
"Do you hate me too?" He looked at his folded hands as he spoke. Same old Sam.
"He doesn't hate you." She told him honestly.
"I betrayed him. I broke the trust." He shook his head back and forth. "He doesn't give that back."
"I broke the trust. I got it back." She told him firmly, sounding more sure of that then she felt.
"He doesn't love me, Donna." He gave her a pointed look
"He loves you Sam." She crossed the room and sat on the edge of CJ"s desk.
"Not like he loves you." Sam looked up at her. "Despite early DC rumors."
"Sam." Her voice was more sentimental than she'd wanted it to be.
"I didn't mean it. I knew it wasn't like I made it out to be." He took a deep breath and leaned his head back.
"He knows that." She told him.
"It would have been easier to fix if I had meant it that way."
"Sam." Donna warned.
"I wasn't like that Donna." He swallowed hard.
"I know." She stood up and walked across the room.
"I'm sorry." Sam muttered at his hands.
"I know." She sat beside him on the couch.
"He loves you." He looked at her when he announced this, like she would be shocked.
"I know." She did.
"It wasn't about the job." He told her in a pained tone.
"I told you, I know that now, Sam." Don't do this. Donna thought. Don't tell me this. Not today.
"He couldn't-." Donna knew Sam wanted to make sure she got it. She didn't want to hear it out loud.
'Where are you?' 'I can't feel you.' and 'Please don't ever leave me again' were enough for one day..
"I know." She tried to make him stop.
"I shouldn't have.." He groaned.
"It's fine Sam." Donna said softly. Please stop.
"No." He shook his head. "It's not."
"You're right it's not." Josh's voice distracted them both.
"Josh please." Donna stood up and put her hand on his chest.
"No. Lets do this."
"He didn't mean it."
"No? He planted the whole idea in Will Baily's head. He.."
"Please?" She tried to catch his eyes, he pulled them away.
"He told Will, you -anyone who would listen that I was trying to keep you from succeeding on your own. That I wanted to keep you indebted to me. That I needed you to need me. He said..."
"Josh I am so sorry." Sam whispered.
"Sorry you said it? Sorry you meant it? Or sorry I found out it was you?" He asked harshly.
Donna dropped her head to his chest. He took her by the shoulders, moving her gently aside.
"You wanted me to fix this." He said softly, still avoiding her eyes. "This is how I'm fixing it." He moved closer to Sam. "You made her feel like I thought she was-."
"I just wanted her to have every chance to-."
"No. You thought I was hurting her. Using her.. that I.. wanted her to be dependent on me." He shook his head. "You told her to leave me."
"If that's why you're angry with Sam then you should be angry with me." CJ's voice from the doorway almost sent Donna over the edge. "I told her the same thing."
"Excuse me?" Josh turned sharply to her.
"Please not now." Donna put her hand on Josh's arm.
"What did she say to you?" He finally met her eyes, his were blurry. "Tell me."
"Josh." Donna opened her mouth and closed it again.
"I told her she should do something -anything that didn't include you." CJ confessed.
"When?" He was still looking at Donna.
"Just before she left for Gaza." Donna sniffed back a cry when CJ's words registered in his eyes.
"Gaza." He breathed the word out slowly, painfully.
"Josh." She pleaded.
"Then you-. You told her that I..." He looked at Sam who was watching in horror. "And I.."
"Josh."
"Do you know then?" He looked at CJ quickly, she shook her head. Donna gave him a confused glance. "Do you know what he said to me when I told him you left me?"
She glanced at Sam, he swallowed hard.
"I didn't mean it." He squeaked.
"I told him that you had left. We argued about it. I told him I had tried to give you more opportunities. That I had wanted to.." He took a deep breath. "He told me that..." He looked at Sam, who shook his head. "Tell her."
"Josh." He closed his eyes.
"Tell her what you said to me." He said firmly.
"No." He shook his head. "Josh I wasn't thinking. I forgot-."
"Sam?" Donna looked at him for answers. "What did you say?" Josh took the moment.
"That maybe she wants to work for someone who's opportunities don't involve getting blown up." Josh whispered the words like he'd recited them a hundred times. He probably has.
Donna's face paled, she heard CJ's sharp intake of breath.
"My best friend." He looked towards CJ. "Two of my best friends. You both thought I was completely un-. So you took away the one thing thatkeptme human?"
Donna kept her eyes on him.
"This?" Sam caught his chaotic gesture from the corner of her eye and turned to watch him.
"This is how we got here." Joshstarted for the door. She reached her hand out, but he was already pushing past CJ and into the hallway.
"Josh!" CJ started.
"No." Donna said sharply. "He needs a minute. Give him a minute."
"Donna, I'm so sorry." Sam said again.
"Yeah." She muttered, realizing she sounded like Josh.