I love you… That's what I tell myself when I'm supposed to be sleeping at night. It's what I say when there's no one else to blame and all I can ask is 'why'. It's what I tell myself when I'm crying to the point where I can't breathe. It's what I scream when I pretend it's you, but I'm just screaming at a bed sheet.

What I tell myself more is that you love me… That's what I remind myself when that's not what you say. It's what I tell myself when you break your word and you seem not to care. It's what I whisper to my reflection when I'm staring in the mirror. It's what I repeat in my head when I'm looking at you in fear.

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, so I spend my nights crying until I no longer have the will to stay awake. You were my protection, my strength, my courage, my pride and part of my wisdom. I find myself randomly wishing that we could go back to how it was in the beginning, but even that wasn't true. It feels as though everything I felt for you and everything you ever told me was just that: a beautiful lie.

I scream until I'm hoarse, I punch my pillow over and over again until feathers burst form within, and yet nothing changes. You're still the same pathetic, hollow soul that you've always been and that I'm just starting to see and understand for the first time. I'm grown, but I'm still a child. Yet I've seen more hell than you can imagine, and part of that is your fault and part of that is my fault for not being strong enough.

I don't want to blame you but why shouldn't I? You blame me for everything that is your fault. You scream, you cry and tell me that I don't love you when all I've ever done is love you. All I've ever wanted to do was love you. There are some things a person should never hear from someone that means the world to them, but I have; you said them. You said them all.

What have I said in return? The only thing that I can: why. Why do you do this to yourself? Why aren't you trying anymore? Why don't you car? Don't you see that we love you? Don't you love us too? Don't you love me? I can scream, I can cry and I can ask as many questions as I want to – I can take forever to do it, but I know the answer. As much as I wish that I didn't, I do.

Put the bottle to your lips
Drink it all away
In hope that one day it'll be okay
But know that I will forever say:

I love you dad…