Alex and Willow didn't open their eyes, wanting to hear if Xander's memory had anything else to say. After a moment of silence, and nothing happened, they broke the circle by moving about. Alex stood, sitting on the bottom stair on the basement steps.
"Did anyone hear Xander say that?" Alex asked.
"I didn't…and since it was supposed to be my memories…" Willow shrugged.
"Then how did we get his memory if he's not…" Alex turned her head, and saw the basement door standing partially open. It was completely shut when they came downstairs. Alex, dropping the end of her sentence completely, stood up and hurried up the steps, and slid into the living room to find Xander just sitting down on the couch. He looked up.
"Hey, Alex…" She took the remote from him, turning off the TV, and sat on the table in front of him. "What?"
"How have you always felt about me, Xander?"
"What?"
"You heard me. How have you always felt about me?" He sighed, and scooted to the edge of the cushion, putting his hand against her cheek.
"Alex…there is no word or phrase in the English language to describe how I feel, save for maybe total and utter love for you. Always have…"
"Is it because I'm one of the rare girls that didn't think of you as a stalker?" she asked.
"Maybe…but you were a great person, Alex. You know that. Everyone liked you at one point or another. And, I pretty much mean everyone…" She smiled, blushing.
"Xander…how did you feel when I left?"
"Crushed, pretty much…like the others…"
"But you were crushed, too, because you never got the chance to tell everyone how you felt about me…I heard you say that, Xander…Downstairs. You went down to check on us, didn't you?"
"Yep."
"So that's how we got your memory." He nodded, and patted her shoulder.
"You're a smart one, alright." She smacked his knee.
"Xander, did you ever tell them?"
"I told Buffy…and…no, just Buffy. That's it. I didn't really want anyone else to know…"
"You've always felt this way?" she asked. He nodded.
"Always. Ever since that first day you met Angel in the cemetery, where you kicked the shit out of him, then he kicked the shit out of you, and then you both took off…" She smiled, and put her arms around Xander's shoulders. He hugged her around the waist, and she rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes.
"Thank you, Xander…It's nice to know I have a friend as cool as you…"
"Yeah…I mean, I'm always gonna love you, but it's formed itself from a lover's love into a best friends/sibling love, you know?"
"Exactly. Thank you, Xander."
"Anytime…" They held each other for a few more minutes, and finally, she pulled away, kissing his cheek. "And I'm always here if you just want to talk…" She nodded.
"Same here." She squeezed his hands, and stood up. "I'm going to go back…"
"Did you find out why we got Xander's memory?" Willow asked, entering the room. Alex looked up.
"Yeah…I did…Xander, why don't you tell Willow now? I'm going to go talk to Spike…" Willow sat on the couch, to listen to Xander.
Alex opened the front door, and peeked inside.
"Spike? You there?" she asked.
"No." She smiled, and closed the door, walking into the living room. He was stretched across the chair, in just his jeans, looking over at her.
"That's too bad…I really wanted to tell you something important."
"Well, since I'm not here, why don't you just tell it to the image you see here, and I'll get back to you on it…" She sighed, and sat down on the couch, her head in her hands.
"When we first got together, way the hell back there, you asked if I'd ever been with someone else. I told you no…but I lied…" He looked over at her, eyebrow raised. "There was one person before you…And you know him. You don't like him all that much, but you know him…Uh, it was, uh, Xander. We dated, sort of, for about three months, and were broken up for a couple months before you and I got together…" Spike dropped his feet to the floor, and turned to look at her.
"You're serious…"
"You are supposed to be acting like a machine, which means you don't interrupt me…Let me talk…" Spike closed his mouth, and listened. Alex cleared her throat, and rested her forehead against the palms of her hands.
"Sorry."
"It's fine…Anyways. He and I had been friends forever, but we hit some sort of…relationship bump, and just started dating. No one really knew, you know, but we did, which was what we thought was important. We hung out, sometimes went out to eat, or see a movie…And…I'd stay at his place, or he'd stay at mine……you know…" Spike nodded. "We had this whole secret, hidden relationship thing down pat, but after our three months, he just couldn't keep it working. He thought I was getting too distracted during my fighting…and that it was his fault…" She sighed, and shook her head. "I'm never going to be ashamed that I had a brief relationship with Xander. In fact, I'm sort of proud to be one of the very, very rare girls who liked him, and didn't think of him as a stalker. What I'm ashamed of is that no one knew except Buffy, and that I refused to tell anyone. I'm not sure I wanted people to know, actually…" She shrugged. After a minute of silence, she looked up. Spike was gone. Confused, she stood, and wandered through her house, looking into each room for him.
She jogged down the steps to the basement, and found him laying on his cot, staring blankly up at the ceiling.
"You mad?"
"Only that you lied." He didn't blink or move when he answered. She sighed, and rubbed her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Spike…I just didn't think it'd interest you…" She crossed the room, and looked down at him. He didn't look back at her. Alex closed her eyes for a second, and while they were closed, Spike took a good long look at her form, standing over him in the barely lit basement. He looked away right before she opened her eyes, and she smirked.
"What?" he asked. She lifted her hand, tugging his sheet down to his feet, and climbed onto the cot, sitting on his thighs. "What?" he asked again. She slid her hands over his chest, and bowed her head, pushing her lips against his. Spike moved his hands over her back and pulled her down a bit. After a moment, he pulled away.
"What?"
"If you had the chance to go back…"
"Aw, damn, I hate these kinds of questions…"
"Let me finish. If you had the chance to go back, and be with Xander again, this time, would you accept the break up with him, and end up with me? Or would you change, and stay with him?" Spike asked.
"Spike…I love Xander, always will…but now its more like a sibling love, as he so very well put it when I talked to him in Buffy's living room. So…No. I wouldn't reconsider. I like the way things have turned out just fine." He smirked, and pulled her back down, kissing her. She felt his hands slide up to her shoulders, and onto her cheeks, and he rolled over, laying her back on the cot. After a few more minutes, she pulled away.
"Alex?"
"Spike…Can you promise me something?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I suppose it depends on what I'm supposed to promise…"
"If I asked you to, would you…release me from all of this?"
"What?"
"You heard me…" He sat back.
"I'm not sure I know what you mean…" She pulled herself back, and sat up.
"Yes you do. Would you let me die? Would you let me go? Release me?" she asked. He looked down at the cot.
"I…don't know, Alex…" She lifted his chin.
"For me. If I asked you to."
"I don't know…"
"Well…"
"Why would you ask me to?" he asked, taking her hand.
"I can't tell you that now, Spike…"
"Yeah, you can…"
"No, I really can't tell you that…Not now…" He shrugged.
"I still don't know, though…" She sighed, and stood up.
"Think about it…I'm going to go take a shower…"
She stood in the bathroom, her back to the mirror, staring at the floor. The door was a little open, just enough for someone to see the mirror thru. Spike walked past the door, and stopped, turning back. He looked inside, watching her pulled her shirt over her head. Her back was covered in scars and scratches, things he hadn't seen before. He watched her move about for a moment in the mirror, and knitted his eyebrows together as the scars and scratches formed a reverse image of a message on her back. He walked into the living room, and jotted down the letters on paper, the way he'd seen them, and started to walk into her room. As he lifted the message, he heard the bathroom door open, and shoved the paper into her drawer. She looked in, and smiled.
"Spike?" He looked over, and nodded.
"Yeah?"
"Come here…" He walked over, and looked down at her. She stood before him in a towel, her hair hanging around her shoulders.
"What's up?" She pushed herself up, kissing him.
"I want you to make love to me, Spike…" He stared at her, and shrugged, pulling her into the room and shoving the door closed. She stopped him. "Not up here…Downstairs…on your bed…" He shrugged, and took her downstairs, closing the basement door. She reached down as they stood beside his cot, and unbuttoned his jeans.
"You've never asked me before, Alex…you alright?" She just pushed herself up, and kissed him, dropping down onto the cot with him.
She was curled up beneath the blanket, head on his chest. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking of the message he'd written on the paper. Still wondering what it said, he carefully stood up, tugging his jeans on, and jogged up the steps. Spike rummage thru the drawer, and pulled out the paper, looking at his reflection in the mirror as he held it up. He widened his eyes, utterly confused, as he read the message in the mirror.
Spike is your way out.