I Never Gave Up

Disclaimer: I own nothing except a few characters you don't recognize. The rest belongs to the great genius, J.K. Rowling.

Note: THANK YOU so much to my readers and reviewers, fifteen reviews is the most I've gotten for any chapter for any story I've ever written, ever. It means a lot to me that you got me past the 100 review mark, thank you once again.

Chapter Thirteen

Ruined Moments

There were only two other times in her life wherein Lily Evans had felt supremely miserable.

The first one was when her favorite bunny rabbit had died when she was six years old. She just stayed in her room for two days, refusing to come out and crying. She also didn't want to bury the rabbit, but agreed once its corpse began giving off an ungodly stench in her room.

The second time was when she and James had fought because of that stupid trial, and then she and Sirius had fought too.

But the way she had felt during those times was nothing compared to how she was feeling now.

It had been three days since James's confession, and three days since she had ran out on him, and she felt terrible. Her head hurt, she felt sore all over, but most of all, her heart ached. She was due to return to work in today, but she could not bring herself to get out of bed. She didn't think she could bear to see James this soon.

She went to look at her beside table, and found a nicely framed photo of her and James dancing and laughing happily amidst the cold wind and falling leaves of autumn (think the picture on Harry's beside table in Prisoner of Azkaban), and she groaned, feeling more worse about herself.

The trouble with her was that she knew she was falling for James…..but was she really in love? Ever since she was little, she had this tendency to worry too much and turn even the most positive of things into the most negative ones.

"I hate myself," she kept on mumbling to herself, the words replaying in her head like a mantra. Minutes later of lying around in bed, she realized that she was being absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't just mope around; she needed to talk to someone, fast, before the rest of her sanity left her.

She went out of bed and took a shower. As she changed her outfit, she realized that it was already eleven in the morning. Taking her bag with her, she Apparated to the Ministry of Magic, more specifically, in front of Kelsey's office.

She knocked thrice before she heard her best friend say, "Come in". Lily opened the door, and, just standing in the doorway, cleared her throat to make her presence known.

"Lily?" Kelsey said happily. But when she noticed the sad and confused expression on Lily's face, she said in a worried tone, "Lils, are you okay? What-what happened to you, is anything wrong?"

"Kelse," Lily said, her voice strangled with unshed tears and sounding sad and excited all at the same time, "I……I think I'm in love with James Potter".

..------..

She and Kelsey went to a small restaurant on their lunch break so they could talk. After ordering, they faced each other, but before any of them could speak, a figure loomed over them and the two women looked up.

"Excuse me, but you never really gave my best friend's heart back after you oh so kindly ripped it out," Sirius Black said sardonically, standing in front of the two women with his arms folded. He took a seat beside her but Lily refused to meet his eyes.

"Sirius, I'm sorry, but if you came here to sermon me, or to yell at me, or to sever ties with me for being such a bitch to James, save it. Not right now, I'm not in the mood," Lily said tiredly. Sirius merely brushed her statement aside.

"Oh don't be so over-dramatic Lily, we just want to talk to you. Goodness knows you need it, you admitted it yourself," Kelsey said, rolling her eyes.

"How did you know where to find us, anyway?" Lily asked him.

"I told him," Kelsey said pointedly. Before any of them could talk anymore, their food arrived. Sirius only settled to order a glass of water; he claimed that he had just eaten a big lunch.

Once they had gotten started on dessert, Sirius leaned back in his chair and said, "So, first of all, what happened during the party, anyway? All I saw was that you were dancing, and the next, you left".

"You mean James didn't tell you?" Lily asked him, puzzled.

"Nah, James wouldn't talk to me, or to anyone else for that matter. Besides, I left the day after, so we never really got a chance to talk properly," Sirius explained. "So, what happened?"

Lily gave a sigh and began her tale. "Well, James cut in from my dance with Parker and we started to dance. It was great, everything was perfect. Then, when it was almost midnight, he asked if he could be my first kiss of the year—not that it would damage our friendship or anything, of course. I told him okay, but nothing deep, so when 12:00 struck he kissed me".

There she was interrupted when Kelsey gave a short, girlish squeal. "That is so sweet, Lily!" she exclaimed. Sirius gave her a pointed, meaningful look, and she hurriedly added, "But we didn't really come to talk about that, so go on".

"Well," Lily said, "Then after what happened, he hugged me and we started dancing again. Then suddenly, out of the blue, he told me that he loved me! I took his hand and led him upstairs so we could talk privately. It was terrible".

"How so?" Kelsey asked her.

"He kept telling me that he loved me, and I kept saying that all he felt for me was friendship, I wouldn't believe it. He wouldn't hear any of it, he just kept wanting to make me feel better and telling me that he was being sincere," at this, she wiped a tear from her eye at the recollection.

"And what did you do?" Sirius said, his voice a bit hardened now.

"What else could I do? I ran for it. I went back to my apartment and cried. I mean, he just sprung it on me, I could hardly believe it. I thought he was just joking, and then……" Lily gulped and continued, "I realized that he was absolutely sincere. And that…..I was just too much of a coward to admit that…….." she trailed off.

"Admit what?" Sirius demanded, getting impatient with her.

"That, either way, I was falling in love with him too. But, Sirius, Kelsey, you don't understand, it's so hard for me to admit something like that! I feel like I'm in love with him, and I want to let him in, but then I feel myself doubt my own emotions, and I find myself thinking that he doesn't really love me too, and then I feel so confused and scared all over again that I begin to doubt that I love him," Lily said, her voice full of anguish.

To her surprise, a slow smile began to spread across Sirius's face. "I get it," he suddenly said, looking triumphant, "You're afraid of getting hurt!"

"Of course I am, who isn't?"

Kelsey took over, saying to her best friend, gently, "Lily, it isn't wrong to be afraid. We're human; it's natural. But if you do really love him, you will find that you can overcome that fear, and that you are prepared to risk everything for him".

"Lily, I've known James since we were eight years old, and when he cares about someone, he does everything he can to protect them and make them feel loved. He'd never hurt you, I'd give my assurance on that," Sirius added.

Lily sighed, "I know, and deep in my heart, I am ready to risk everything for him, and I know that he wouldn't hurt me, but, what about me? What if I end up hurting him, what if I end up breaking his heart, I don't think I can handle that".

Kelsey sighed almost exasperatedly. "Lily, for goodness' sake, just tell me how you feel about James right now".

"Well, um, okay, I uh…..I just feel so….free, I guess. I don't need to be so uptight and perfect when I'm around him. I feel like I'm floating, and my heart usually beats faster and there are butterflies in my stomach. I'm terrified of being hurt, but I'm more terrified of hurting him and………….."

Suddenly, and to her two friends' immense surprise, Lily smiled for the first time since they got together. "You know what?" she said, a new strength in her voice. "If I wasn't sure before, I am now. You guys are totally right, I am in love with him. And I know exactly what I'm supposed to do".

"Which is?" Sirius asked, grinning triumphantly, glad to have the old Lily back once again.

"I have to tell him how I feel. I shouldn't be a coward about it, I just have to make things right," she said, a new trace of strength and happiness in her voice now that her feelings had been cleared up, that her friends had talked some sense into her. "Thanks a lot, guys, you helped a lot".

"That's the spirit, Lily!" Kelsey cheered on, beaming.

"Yeah, go talk to him, now!" Sirius added.

"I can't right now, I have to visit my parents. But I'll definitely go around five this afternoon!" Lily said in the same enthusiastic voice. Suddenly, she slumped back into her seat, looking disheartened once more.

"Lils?" Kelsey asked. "You okay?"

"But how am I going to say it to him?" Lily cried, looking troubled once more. "I mean, what should I tell him, should I say, 'Hi James, Happy New year, I just stopped by to tell you that I've been stupid, I'm in love with you and I hope we can work things out!' Somehow, it doesn't seem right".

"You know," Sirius said, looking thoughtful. "That isn't so bad, come to think of it".

Kelsey rolled her eyes and answered, "Lily, just, tell him how you feel. Honesty is the key here, just be sincere. Trust me, it may seem hard, but the moment you see him, everything you want to say will just tumble out of your mouth, everything will be fine".

Lily smiled, understanding her best friends' advice. "Your right, thanks you guys. Now, I really have to go, wish me luck!" she suddenly said hurriedly as she abruptly stood up, took her purse and walked out.

Sirius and Kelsey looked at each other, startled by what just happened. "Did she just walk out on us?" Kelsey asked him, wondering what on earth was going on in Lily's mind today. "Okay, I know she's in love and everything, but I've never seen her act this odd".

Sirius grinned. "Leave it, Kelse. Once she and James get together, she'll go back to normal, trust me". Suddenly, the waiter appeared in front of them, giving them the bill for their meal.

"Great. And she leaves us to settle the bill," Sirius groaned but the next instant later went and high-fived Kelsey, and they both congratulated themselves on a job well done.

..------..

It was about five o'clock already, and Lily had reached the entrance of the Ministry of Magic. After going through the standard security measure, she walked purposely towards the Criminal Law department.

"Lily, hi!" Dianne greeted her. "I didn't see you today; did you have an extended vacation?"

"Yeah, something like that," Lily said vaguely. She snapped to attention and said, "Hey, do you know if James is still in?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter is in his office right now, but he doesn't really want to be disturbed, I guess he's busy. He looked really troubled today, and he hasn't opened the door to leave once," Dianne explained to her.

A pang of guilt coursed through her but she swallowed it and said, "Oh, but I really have to talk to him though, this is really important. I'll see if he can open the door for me". She gave Dianne a half-smile as she walked over to James's office.

Taking two deep breaths to compose herself, she knocked thrice on the door. Within seconds she could hear his tired voice say, "Who is it, I'm sorry, I don't really want to be disturbed today".

"It's me, James," Lily said, making her voice louder and firmer.

"Me who?" was the reply that came from the other end of the door.

Rolling her eyes a bit, she sighed and said, "I think you know perfectly well who I am, James". A few seconds later, she could hear a heavy sigh from the other end, then a slight click, and the door magically opened. Taking one other deep breath, she went inside.

Nothing in the room was amiss, Lily was relieved to note. At least he hadn't thrown a fit at what happened. But when she stared at James, she noted a sort of distant sadness in his eyes that made her hurt more than if he had yelled at her.

A silence overcame them as they just stared at each other intently for a few moments. Suddenly, James shook his head and broke it. "Um," he said, going to one side of the room and taking a bag and handing it to Lily. "Here are your things that you uh, left at my house".

"Thanks," she said, letting the bag drop to the floor for awhile. She cleared her throat and was about to speak, but James beat her too it and she began to feel tense.

"So," James began conversationally. "How are you? I mean, how does it feel to ruin a friendship and break a heart in just one night?" The words came out of his mouth before he could stop himself, because, though he knew that it wasn't right, he was mad at her.

Lily stood there, shell-shocked. She knew he was hurt, but she never realized how much. "James, I—I'm sorry, but your not the only one who's being faced with something difficult, so please don't take that tone with me".

Immediately, he softened. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair and said, "Okay, Lily, I'm sorry. But you wanted to talk, so, go on".

Knowing that it was now or never, Lily took a deep breath and said, "Listen, James, first of all, I want to say I'm sorry. For everything. For being a complete monster to you at the party, for leaving you like that, for not caring about your feelings and----"

"Lily----"

Lily shook her head and said, "James, please, let me talk. When you told me that you loved me, I didn't know how to react, and frankly, I was scared as hell. I mean, you just suddenly said it without any preliminaries, you really surprised me. But when I got home, when I got to thinking, and when I got to talking with my friends, I realized that the only reason why I felt so scared and ashamed too was because," she took a deep breath and paused and looked at James, who was waiting for her to continue. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say anything, the door suddenly opened and Sirius Black suddenly burst in, looking grim.

Lily sent him a glare that said, "You ruined the moment, Sirius". He simply ignored her and turned to James. Still gasping heavily, he said clearly, "There's been an attack uptown. Death Eaters and possibly Voldemort are all over the place. We need as many licensed Aurors, practicing or not, to help fight. Coming?"

Lily's heart froze. "This couldn't be happening," she though desperately. "Not now, not now that I'm about to tell him that I love him". But she managed to say in her same strong voice, "But what about the rest of the Order who aren't Aurors? Can't we help fight too?"

Sirius shook his head. "Dumbledore and Moody don't want to risk it. We want as many safe Order members as possible; if everyone goes to fight at once, Voldemort will know for sure who are involved in the Order". He gave Lily an apologetic look and turned once more to James, who was now wearing the same grim expression. "Coming, James?"

"Yeah, I am, come on," James spoke, determination hardening his voice.

"Be careful, the both of you," Lily managed to choke out amidst her alarm.

James turned to her and, seeing her pale and worried expression, said softly, "Hey, don't worry, we'll both be fine, I promise. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" And with that, he and Sirius left.

Be careful James, I love you, Lily thought fleetingly as she stared out the open door, until she went and Apparated to her own house.

..------..

Lily was panicking.

It had been roughly an hour since Sirius had announced the attack, and she was worried to death. Still wearing the same outfit she had worn when she met with James, she paced back and forth, a million thoughts running through her head.

"Is it over? Are they alright? Is James alright?" Lily kept on thinking as she walked around. A few minutes later, she stopped herself, saying, "Come on Lily, get a grip on yourself. James and the others are fine, don't worry about them. Relax".

She gave a long sigh and walked over to her kitchen to make a cup of coffee for herself. Once that was done, she sat down on her table, nursing her cup.

Minutes later, she still sat there, the same thoughts running through her head, her cup just sitting there, still quite full. She had tried to drink, but she had found it hard to swallow, like there was a lump in her throat, and once she managed to swallow it, there was a bitter taste left in her mouth and the effort alone exhausted her.

Fate was cruel, she decided. It hated her. After all, why would it let James go to play hero at the exact moment that she was about to tell him that she loved him?

Suddenly, her musings were interrupted when there was a loud crack heard on her apartment, and Lily turned to find Remus Lupin in front of her, wearing a grim and sad expression.

"Remus!" Lily cried, running over to him. "Is it over? Is everyone alright? Are Sirius and James alright?"

"Lily," Remus said, as if he didn't want to continue. "The fight finished a few minutes ago, Voldemort was able to escape. Sirius got a deep wound, but he's otherwise fine and is being treated at St. Mungo's right now".

"And James?" she said, her voice barely above a fearful whisper.

Remus sighed, looking sad to be the bringer of such bad news. "Lily, James was hurt pretty bad. Four Cruciatus curses and a variety of other Dark spells hit him and an Avada almost hit him. He's at St. Mungo's right now, his vital signs are unstable, and he's unconscious. And…….." his voice trailed off.

"And?" Lily said, her voice cracking with emotion.

"And…." Remus sighed deeply before continuing, "There's a fifty-fifty chance that he'd still be able to survive".

Hearing this, Lily Evans fell to the floor in a dead faint.

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Well? How was that for drama, again? This story gets to become sadder and sadder, I better go change the category, it isn't very humorous now. The first part was kinda pointless, in my opinion, but I loved writing the last bit.

The next chapter will be sweet, in a way. After this, only two more chapters left, I think. Please read and review, everyone! Until then………