I live. Falls asleep

Dedicated to BlondeNekoTwo-tail, Kurosaisei, and MasterFranny, because without them I'd never get off my lazy butt to write. huguhuguchu

Win Me Back

Part Two - Chapter 4

Tala hated kissing other men. Feathering his lips down the sweating, trembling chest of anyone other than Kai made his stomach clench and twist with guilt. In a way that he didn't necessarily understand, kissing someone else seemed like too intimate of an act. More so than sex, which over time he had come to view as nothing more significant or meaningful than a release of pent up frustration and a cure for loneliness.. Moving inside of a nameless man, trying to shut out the ragged, unfamiliar moans and picture Kai's more graceful figure beneath him seemed much less personal than a simple, heated kiss.

When his current one-night stand leaned forward to press his lips to Tala's in the affectionate afterglow of sex, something had twisted inside of the Russian's stomach. He turned his head away, letting the kiss land on his jaw. His partner gave him a smile that looked only a little hurt and wistful, but Tala didn't care, only backed away and made a grab for his clothes.

"You're leaving already?"

The man, (Nikolai, if Tala remembered correctly) sat up, giving a warmer smile and watching as Tala pulled on his pants, leaving them unbuttoned and reaching down to tie his shoes.

"Mhmm."

Nikolai stretched languidly and yawned. "Come on. Stay a little longer. It's still early."

As soon as his shoes were tied Tala stood, grabbing his shirt and coat and heading for the door. The less time he spent with his nameless lovers, the better. After sex they all tended to get too emotional and clingy. As though Tala owed them something for letting him fuck them.

"I can't."

"Oh." Nikolai looked a little hesitant. Tala recognized the look immediately. The man wanted to ask him something, and couldn't figure out the best way to word his request. "Do you...I don't know. Want to get together for dinner tomorrow or something?"

A familiar guilt welled up in Tala's chest. He wanted nothing more than to be able to have a normal relationship. To go out to dinner and movies with his boyfriend and spend time together than wasn't occupied by sex and courtship. Having to always be charming and likable so he could pick up men was getting tiring. He wanted to settle down and leave the singles scene behind. But he couldn't. There was no one is all of Russia, hell, in all of the world, that he wanted to settle down with besides Kai.

The sudden thought of Kai and how hurt he would be if he knew that Tala was even allowing the thought of settling down with someone else cross his mind was enough to make Tala feel sick to his stomach. It was never his intention to betray Kai. Sex was just sex. Love an respect was something else entirely.

On any other night, Tala would have stuck to his usual practice of using lies and excuses to avoid seeing his lovers again. Pretending to be busy for the foreseeable future or simply standing his 'dates' up was much simpler than taking the time to explain that he already had a boyfriend. Telling a lie or avoiding the truth usually saved him from the inevitable backlash of moral indignation that came with an admission of infidelity. Something about Nikolai though, and the way he made Tala feel about what he was doing...the assumption that near anonymous sex was a promise of commitment of some kind...it made Tala want to hurt him.

"Look. Don't get the wrong idea about this. I don't want a relationship."

An expression of confusion mixed with some level of humored disbelief flickered across Nikolai's face. "What?"

Tala sighed. As frustrated, angry and guilty as he was feeling, he suddenly remembered why he normally would sneak out while his lovers were asleep. His hand was on the doorknob; he could leave and avoid anymore confrontation, but he didn't. Rather, he turned around to look his lover in the eyes, trying to make his gaze as confrontational as possible.

"I already have a boyfriend."

Nikolai didn't respond right away, only gaped at Tala, looking utterly taken aback by the confession. From the expression on his face (shock now mixed with hurt), Tala would have thought that the man had never heard about sex without a relationship or commitment.

"You aren't really that naive, are you?" Tala was starting to feel more than a little exasperated with the situation. His had expected his admission to illicit an angry, scorned lover response. Not one of betrayed hurt. Sex was just sex. All that Tala had ever wanted from the man was physical release. A living person to fuck while he thought about Kai. Something more than idle masturbation.

"But...we slept together."

You've got to be kidding me.

"I'm not looking for anything other than easy sex right now, okay? So just forget it."

The man started to utter some other protest, a reason why Tala should stay and engage in all of the lovey things boyfriends did together, but the Russian blader didn't stay to hear it. He pulled open the door and was out in the hallway before the words could even leave Nikolai's lips. Confrontation hadn't worked as well as he had hoped it would; he felt like he deserved to be screamed at, hated for what he was doing, not treated with hurt desperation. Ever since the first time he had slept with a man other than Kai he had been seeking punishment of any kind. He didn't ever want to feel good about cheating.

A feeling of profound guilt still sat heavily in his chest, and for a few minutes he stood slumped again the door, trying to get a handle on his emotions. Having such strong, conflicted feelings wasn't something that he was used to. He hadn't been brought up as an emotional person, and as Tala started towards the stairs and home, Tala decided he didn't like it.

The rest of his former team was congregated in the kitchen by the time Tala returned to the abbey. Not in the mood to talk and hoping to avoid any questions about where he had been and what he had been doing, he ignored them, heading to his room and closing the door. He began to strip down to his boxers, already feeling irritated by the lingering smell of cigarette smoke from the bars that clung to his clothes. Keeping his room clean was the last thing on his mind as he let his shirt and pants lay in heaps on the floor and crawled in to his unmade bed. His hand groped around under the pillow, looking for the remote that would turn on his TV and VCR.

Every time he came home from a night out, he would always do the same thing. Shower, entertain himself with less than wholesome thoughts of Kai, and then settle into bed to look at photos or letters sent to him from his boyfriend. This night however, he decided to skip the shower and masturbation and go straight to his more innocent thoughts of Kai. He wanted to hear Kai's voice almost desperately, and made the choice to watch the tape that he never allowed to leave his VCR for more than a few hours at a time.

The camera was unsteady and the entire video was shot from an unnatural angle (the unfortunate of result of Tala being forced to hold the camera at arms length to be able to see Kai properly), but Tala had never cared. It was Kai as he saw him on their last night together, head resting to Tala's chest, face flushed and breathing still heavy from exertion. It was Kai as Tala always saw him after they had sex; still basking in the afterglow.

The audio quality was nearly as awful as the camera work, but to Tala, it sounded perfect.

"What the hell is with the camera, Tala?"

Tala smiled in real life, knowing that somewhere off camera on the tape, his videotaped self was smiling in the same way.

"You like it? I borrowed it."

Kai scowled cutely, raising his head enough to flick some stray silver hair away from his eyes before laying his head back down on Tala's chest.

"Why?"

"Because." Tala's free head stretched into the frame and stroked the back of Kai's head lovingly. "I was going to videotape us having sex but I couldn't figure out how to hold the camera the whole time."

Kai snorted, turning his head to nuzzle into Tala's chest. "Pervert." He muttered, and Tala could feel the warmth of his breath on his heated skin.

Tala's face flushed a little. Even all of these months later, he would still remember the feeling of Kai's cool words brushing over him. Subconsciously, his hand raised to his chest and rubbed at the place where Kai's head had once lain.

"I didn't though. I only started recording after we were done."

Warm lips planted a soft kiss above Tala's sternum, and slender fingerstightened slightly in unruly silver hair.

"But you would have." The kisses trailed lower, and the camera wavered, panning down the length of Kai's back before focusing on his face.

Tala's fingers followed the path the Kai's lips had trailed down his stomach. On the video, he would could see the way Kai's brilliant red eyes closed, his lips pressing lightly against tanned skin. He could almost still feel those kisses, the warmth of Kai's breath and the tickled of his hair.

Kai raised his head, staring up at Tala's face with hooded eyes. "You really want to have a sex tape?"

Off camera, Tala laughed. "I'd be afraid one of your fangirls would steal it."

Kai grunted and laid his head down, this time resting his cheek on Tala's stomach. Every time he blinked, Tala could feel the slight brush of his eyelashes against his bellybutton.

"Sex isn't all I think about, you know Kai."

Tala felt his stomach clench. He knew what he was going to say next, and suddenly couldn't bear to hear it. With one swift motion, he grabbed the remote from where and lay next to him and shut off the tape. Back then, sex had just been an enjoyable bonus that come with their relationship, and know he could hardly go a week without finding some other man to fuck. What had changed?

For a few minutes, he just started at the blank screen, hearing in his mind the words he had spoken to Kai all that time ago, as they lay curled together in bed.

"I just want something to remember you by."

A big heaping thank you to everyone who is still reading this. I hope to be better to you by updating more frequently. Please leave a reveiw and let me know what you think. : )

Also, if you interested in reading my off stuff, please visit my Livejournal. The link is in my profile. Fanfics are locked, so add me as a friend, and I'll add you back. (PS - The upcoming explict parts of this will be put there, edited versions will still be posted here)

/self-promotion