Two hyposprays.
Tom sat on his couch, staring at the small towers of medication in front of him.
The name of the drug wasn't easy to recall, but he'd remembered it's properties. It was a barbituaratebarbiturate, but with a shocking side effect like that of being somewhat of a mild hallucinogenic-it gave you lucid dreams.
It was banned a year into production, when a lot of it's users found it hard to wake up from their dreams.
They were nightmares, really. For he didn't think anyone who took heavy sleeping pills would want to wake up from pleasant dreams.
Replicating it the drug was a tricky taskthing, but after inputting his medical codes and tweakinga few tweaks in the replicator a bit,and his medical codes, he was able to obtain a considerable dosage. Enough to last a few weeks. But never four and a half months.
He was almost out of it by now. Or And his supply was running low.
Just when he was about to administer the injection, Harry had come in with a PADD padd when he was about to take a shot. He was rambling on about some new activity, something about a race, when he saw the hyposprays. He didn't know what was they containedin it, but he'd immediately made an excuse to go out.
It was only a matter of time before the cavalry got here. Tom thought bitterly. He wondered who it would be: Chakotay, Tuvok. The Doctor. His last conversation with Chakotay went rather well, but their meeting had certainly unsettled him.
The chime sounded and he braced himself for who it was.
"Come!"
There was a brief pause as the doors opened up, and another beat as the visitor waited to go inside. But as soon as he heard the purposeful steps, he knew who it was.
"Captain."
"Tom," she said by way of greeting, eyeing him before she sat on his chair.
He was in a lousy mood andbut with the Captain heyou could never get very far. He straightened up from his position on the couch and turned to his guest.
"Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Coffee? I could replicate you one."
"No thank you, Tom. I think you and I both know that you've done enough replicating."
"Harry" he muttered vehemently, angry with his best friend for telling on him
Tom didn't say anything, but found out that he didn't have to.
"I've noticed you've been replicating some contraband materials. I don't know how you did it, so I'm guessing you called on some of your more hidden skills."
The leather chair crinkledsounded as she leaned closer to him.
"I've scanned the replicator logs, Tom. You've replicated quite a lot of this drug. You've listed it as a sedative, but the doctor tells me that this contraband is more than that. Mind telling me what it does?"
He considered not answering, but the look on her face made him think otherwise.
"It's a barbiturate. It helps you dream."
"Dream," she repeated
So this was what it was. The doctor had given her the medical specifics, but not Tom's intention of taking it. It was only when Chakotay informed her that the spirit quests weren't working that she figured out what it was.
"It helps me remember some things from the abduction."
"Do you know that in largesuch huge doses this drug can kill?"
"I'm not really concerned about that, I'm only concerned aboutof what it does," he answered, defiant.
Janeway thought of calling him on his staring match, meeting him head on with his rage. But she knew that this was not the proper approach to him. He had withstood eight long hours with Chakotay. She didn't have as much patience and she couldn't afford a screaming match.
The tension was beginning to mount in the air, making her want to squirm in her seat as Tom lashed out at her attack on his defenses.
He was on the edge. She wasn't going to letmake him win.
"Tell me what you have," she told him. "Tell me about the dreams."
TomHe seemed surprised, even though he knew they were all anxious for his answer. Harry had tried to get him to open up about his dreams, but somehow he never felt like sharing.
This time…this time he felt as iflike he needed to tell her.
His fingernails dug into his palms as he tried to recollect his thoughts, forcing his brain to come up with an answer.
"All I have are bits and pieces. I can't even make sense of any of them. I remember her telling me to stay by the bushes, to not to move. I was so tired, they'd been chasing us the whole day and when I got wounded that's when we had to stop to build the distress beacon."
"I'm hit!"
The world around him had exploded into a ball of white as the paid grew on his left shoulder, but he kept pushing himself, blindly willing his legs to go further, faster, even when B'Elanna tried to slow them down to take a look.
"Kahless, Tom…" she cried, looking at his wound "Let me take a look at this…"
"It's okay" he wheezed "We have to keep going"
But he could feel his whole body shutting down, the pain…the pain that was spreading through him made it so difficult to move
He closed his eyes in concentration, his face crunched up as he buried himself deep in thought, trying to come up with every stray memory that was hidden in the recesses of his mind.that his mind could come up.
"I couldn't keep up. I was too heavy…she had to leave me…to keep me safe, to save both of us. She said she had a plan. She said she would come back for me, but she never did. I was so exhausted., I couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I woke up, and I was in sickbay, and…."
Tom collapsed,Kathryn bolted right up her chair as he collapsed, his palms digging in his forehead as if trying to rub outoff the pain.
"Tom!" Kathryn said, and immediately went to his side.
"It hurts," he gasped. "Damn, this hurts."
The chemicals were taxing his brain, forcing it to work overtime as heit tried to recover the hidden memories. Millions of stars were exploding behind his lids even as his brain force-fed him images that he couldn't place.
B'Elanna's voice, calling out to him. The dirt digging into his skin. The sound of alien boots as theyit crunched the gravel beneath them, running towards her, their laughter growing fainter in the distance as they gained on her. There were sounds of her fighting, then calling his name. A ship powering up…then nothing.
There was nothing more.
"I've tried to remember, but no matter how hard I try there's just nothing left. Every night I go to bed thinking that I'll wake up with something new, but everything stops when the ship takes off. I can't remember beyond that."
"Tom, the doctor said your condition was critical when they found you, I'm surprised that you even remember anything."
"But there has to be more!"
"There isn't any more Tom, stop trying to squeeze your brain, you'll kill yourself if you keep this up!" she yelled, angry. "There is nothing else you can do! She is gone Tom. Stop trying to do this. You weren't the only one who loved her, there other people in this ship trying to cope with her loss and your perpetuation of this hope isn't making it easier on any of us. We know you miss her, we want her with us too."
Both of them were close to crying, but no tears threatened to show. Officers never cried, no matter how bad the situation. This was how they were trainedraised. But even as she placed her hand on his shoulder to steady him, she could see the pain reflected in his eyes.
"You have to get through this Tom, don't let your grief consume you. I know it's not easy, but this pain will pass and all you'll have are good memories."
Good memories, like the ones she had with her fiance Justin
It seemed so long ago, but watching Tom had touched old wounds and left them smarting.
When her father and Justine died, there were days when it felt as if her grief would know no end and she'd forever be trapped in a sinking hole of depression.
She'd thrown herself into her work, and sure enough the demanding job of being an up-and-coming Lieutenant allowed her to forget sometimes.
Sometimes.
There were days when all she could think about was him: the life they shared, the one they would never have. Dreams that would never be fulfilled.
She was so caught up in what she'd lost that she had never stopped to consider what else she might be gaining, and what else she was throwing away just because she didn't have the strength to let go of her grief.
In the end, it was her mother who pulled her out of it.
Blinded by her grief, young Kathryn Janeway had forgotten that her mother had lost someone too. To her, her father had always been her father. The man who put her to bed, played hoverball with her, and Phoebe, and later on became her mentor as she tried to succeed in the academy.
But her mother had lost someone different, a man Kathrynshe had never known.
Her mother had lost her husband, her lover, her best friend. Someone whom she had been with, longer than Kathrynshe and Phoebe had been in existednce.
Her grief for Justine wentas beyond words, she couldn't imagine how her mother felt, to lose the man she had shared her life with.
"I just don't want to let her go," Tomhe cried, hands digging into his head. "I'm afraid that if I do, then I feel like if I did, I'll forget about her, people will forget about her. And two years down the road she'll just be this name that you'll come across the crew manifest."
"That will never happen."
"Won't it?" he asked.
He seemed to be lost for a bit, wringingdry washing his hands as he focused on some imaginary point in space. His knuckles were almost raw from the friction, and she tightened her hands to stop him. The touch seemed to get his attention, his gaze shifting back to her as he went on.
"It's the little things that get to me. Her towel that's still on floor, the smell of raktajino when somebody orders it in the mess hall—I'll never forget how always know that she likes hershesr with a bit of mint. Or how, when a crewman from engineering passes, I'll get that whiff of plasma coolant and God, I just wish that wereas her. The way the one corner of her mouth curves uplips pull up when she finds something amusing…it's these things I don't want to forget."
He paused a bit, trying hard to remember a few more things about her.
"But the more time passes the longer it is, the harder it is for me to do that…to do anything. Just yesterday, Harry told this joke and I found myself laughing. I was going to tease Harry about actually saying something funny when I realized that I laughed. I laughed…and how could I do that? I thought about B'Elanna and just…how could I laugh when there is still so much of me hurting? When I know that she needs me. I just…I don't know how to go on."
Janeway was more resolute with her answer, maybe because she understood—all of it. Maybe understood a bit too much.
"It may not seem like it, but you will find a way," she reassured him. "'In the meantime, you just have to open yourself to the happiness ahead of you. B'lanna wouldn't have wanted—""
His face darkened, and he averted his head to hide his rage. Acceptance might be the next logical step, but none of them could still help what he was feeling. If anger was the first barrier that he used, then they would all have to learn to break through it.
She switched tactics, picking up the PADD that she recognized as the one Harry had taken from her desk. She handed it to Tom, who accepted it, albeit reluctantly.
"The competition is held in the system of Milos Prime, on a planet called Azar. I've been told by Neelix that they're a very hospitable race. We're looking forward to trading with them and replenishing some of the supplies that we lost while we were in dead space."
Despite his sullen mood, she could see that the information on the PADD had at least captured his attention.
The regatta was part of a grand diplomatic fair held only every four years, an event widely advertised in the sector. There were various activities held in the month long time period, but the regatta was the culminating event. The competition itself was divided into different categories, open to all races, with ships from the spanning sixteen planets hoping for a win.
It was an opportunity that would be hard for a pilot to miss.
"I'm sure Harry's given you an overview of the regatta, this PADD is for some additional information. We thought of entering the Delta Flyer on the shuttle races. Do you think she could win a race like this, since it's the only category that we're presently qualified on."
That in itself was an understatement. Due to the recent happenings, they barely had time to thoroughly mine the dilithium deposits on the planet they were abducted on. They took whatever they could get in the time that Tuvok and the rest of security could investigate the site. After the analysis, they immediately went in search of B'Elanna.
What they got was enough to get them through the scarce expanse, but not for further traveling. So the stop over was not entirely for Tom's benefit, but for Voyager as well.
Tom's eyes flicked up to scrutinize left the PADD to gape at her, and for a minute she thought he would say no.
Instead he asked, "Can we afford this?"
She almost rolled her eyes. What it is was it with men and budgets? She'd expected something like that to come out of Harry and Chakotay, but Tom?
"He must be growing up" , she thought, and not without a hint of maternal affection.
"I've talked it over with Chakotay, and yes, we can Tom. We'll be getting more dilithium from the Azarans so we can afford to give the Flyer some of our reserves. There is a registration fee, though according to Neelix it's nothing that you can't bargain for so I've left him to deal with the negotiations."
Tom's lips had turned up in a hesitant smile. Even though it wasn't quite the same grin that she saw on the old Tom Paris, she knew that this was show of enthusiasm was already a minor feat.
She made a move to go back to her seat when Tom stopped her with a gentle squeeze ofpressure on her hand.
"Thank you Captain, for doing this," he said, his voice sincere
"Don't thank me, thank Harry, he was the one who worked hard to find us something like this. Besides, we could all use a break. I, for one, am looking forward to winning."
They both looked at the hyposprays in front of them, and neither said anything as she gathered all of them and placed themit in her pocket.
He didn't get up as she made her way to the door, and she didn't bother to say goodbye. She'd just gone out, taking his stash with her.
For a long time, Tom stared at the door, wondering what to do. He'd spent the past few months occupying himself with thoughts of B'Elanna, sleeping mostly, in an effort to search in his dreams all the answers. He didn't know what he'd do once he stopped doing that.
He thought of her face, her laugh, and whathow his life wouldmight be like to be without herit.
His mind closed down and he squeezed his eyes shut to instantly purge the thoughts.
"It doesn't have to be now Tom. It doesn't have to be now."
And he found himself slowly drifting to sleep with that recapitulation.