A Bard, an Elidhu and Two Mr Weenies

by Caddy and Arkie

From Pellinor series. Cadvan and Arkan are suddenly stranded in a forest somewhere in Edil Amarandh. They have strange conversations concerning Maerad, their 'Mr. Weenies' and, of course, themselves.

A Bard, an Elidhu and Two Mr. Weenies

By Caddy and Arkie

A/N: Cadvan and Arkan DO NOT belong to us; they belong to Alison Croggon. By the way, Pellinor readers, the characters are definitely OOC.

Cadvan of Lirigon and Arkan AKA the Winterking AKA the Ice Witch were sitting somewhere in a forest somewhere in Edil-Amarandh. They were arguing furiously and the subject was the girl of their dreams…Maerad.

"Maerad's mine!" Cadvan exclaimed hotly as his stern face grew redder and redder.

"How so? Has she admitted her love for you? I think not!" said Arkan, a smirk ever growing on his pale face.

"Yeah? Well, I've known her longer than you have! I know her better and she'll never love someone like you!" Cadvan said, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed.

"Please. You are lying to yourself. After all, you are a Bard," said Arkan, twirling the silver ring on his finger.

"ELIDHU!" Cadvan yelled.

"BARD!" Arkan said, crossing his arms and pushing himself off a tree.

"ELIDHU!" shouted Cadvan again as he stood up angrily.

"Please, do not wear out my word, Bard," snapped Arkan.

"Ditto," said Cadvan lazily.

"Eh? What's up with that? You've stopped shouting, Cadvan," said Arkan. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," he replied, looking thoughtful. "Hmm…must have been a spur of the moment kind of thing."

"So, are you going to shout again?"

"Nah," Cadvan answered. They both sat in companionable silence until Cadvan said, "You know, Maerad's never going to love you after what you did to her."

"Tell me what I did to her then," said Arkan, tossing back his black braids. "I did more for her than you ever could have done."

"Oh God, please," said Cadvan, looking disgusted. "Spare me the details!" Arkan looked confused. Suddenly, he understood.

"I did not mean it thatway, Bard. I apologise for not having a sick mind like yours."

"Oh, and I'm sick-minded. At least I don't keep sixteen-year-old girls hostage so I can eventually use them as sex buddies. Not that Maerad would enjoy that," said Cadvan, jutting his chin out.

"Oh please, stop being immature. It's hurting my ears. And I was not using her as a cough sex buddy. My hormones are obviously much more controlled than yours." There was a pause before an annoyingly innocent grin crossed Arkan's face. "You want her, don't you?"

"I love her. Anyway, you have hormones?" Cadvan looked surprised. "I thought you Elidhu didn't have any sperm or whatever."

Arkan looked at him with his icy blue, fey eyes before giving a little 'humph'. "How would you know, Bard? What do they teach in those 'Schools' of yours? That we are impotent?"

"Um, yeah, basically," said Cadvan honestly. "But the truth is, you can't reproduce, can you?"

"It seems that you are very much uninformed." Arkan paused before carrying on: "We Elidhu can reproduce at an alarming rate and we do not need any ahem, sexual partners. But because we are immortal, we do not need to – instead, each Elemental produces a child every 800 or so years."

"Man, that's a bummer," sighed Cadvan, sitting down and leaning against a tree before putting his hands behind his head. "So do you have sperm or not? 'Cause you know, I have sperm and I can give Maerad children. And Maerad's still a Bard so I don't think she can last 800 years unlike you Elidhu."

"Please. Do you think Maerad wants the pain of childbearing? She wants the pleasure and the genes, not the pain. I can give her pleasure more than you can, Bard. And after all, she might live longer than you Bards because she's part Elidhu." Arkan produced a single ring from his pocket and placed it on his finger. "Besides, you Bards get uglier when you get older. How do you think she's going to fall for you?"

"And you don't think the process of procreating will give her pleasure?" Cadvan looked at the Elemental, shaking his head. "You have a lot to learn. Yeah, she may live longer than us but she's more Bard than Elidhu. And us getting older? Well, you can't really talk, I mean, you're like a gazillion years old! And I don't think Maerad will fall for a LONER WHO STAYS IN HIS HELLHOLE ALL THE TIME AND ONLY SOCIALISES WITH HIS SO-CALLED MINIONS!" Cadvan had shouted the last part.

"They are my children! At least I havesomething to rule over. All you have is the large ROD between your legs!' Arkan yelled in fury.

Cadvan looked like a genetically modified tomato now. "Are you dissing Mr. Weeny?" he yelled, pointing to his groin. "You hurt Mr. Weeny's feelings! And at least I have one, unlike you! And all you rule is some piece of ice-hellhole where no one goes except the Pilanel and your minions!"

Arkan stared at Cadvan before showing a very rude sign with his finger. "I think that is how you commoners," he said with contempt, "display your displeasure. Besides, I do not want a Mr. Weeny, thank you! And I think Maerad does not want to be pleasured with people looking at her cough Mr. Weeny!"

Cadvan stared at him, gasping. "You…you…I can give Maerad so many things with Mr. Weeny that you wouldn't be able to do!"

"Well, I can get a rockand turn it into one that will be bigger than yours will ever be and stick it UP!Heh."

"Dude, mine's natural." Cadvan looked grossed out. "But you gotta admit, yours is pretty handy."

Arkan flicked his long hair back. "Ahem. I agree…" Silence ensued before-"Cadvan? How big is your Mr. Weeny?" he said curiously.

"So you want to compare, eh?" Cadvan looked at Arkan suspiciously. "Well, let's just say it's 13 x 4 cm. (A/N: measurements from The Naked Quidditch Match!" I can give you diameter if you want."

"Wow," said Arkan in awe. He seemed deep in thought before picking up a rock and with a crack, a large heavy Mr. Weeny appeared in his hand. Arkan turned around and made a pushing motion with his hand. Cadvan heard a strange noise (we're not going to get to graphic here) and winced. "Ah…that's better…it's bigger and of course, better, than your Mr. Weeny now."

Cadvan stared at it before he started hyperventilating. "But-but-but-th-the Bards said Mr. Weeny was the biggest in all of Edil-Amarandh!" He looked furious now. "ELIDHU!"

Arkan patted Mr. Weeny II and smirked. "What do Bards know, anyway? Now Maerad will like me and my Mr. Weeny more! BARD! BARD! BARD! HA!" He danced a little dance of victory.

Cadvan looked affronted at the dancing Elemental, whose robes were now flinging up and down in the air. "ELIDHU!"

"BARDIE BARDIE BARD!" Arkan yelled, settled and he pointed an accusing finger at the other man.

"ELIDHU, ELIDHU, ELIDHU!" Cadvan taunted.

"Hah! That's not as insulting as mine!"

Cadvan snorted. "Like yours actually affects me," he said, sniffing.

"It does! And your Mr. Weeny is so small!" He pointed to the large (ahem) bulge of Mr Weeny in Cadvan's trousers.

Cadvan looked at his, looked at Arkan's and snorted again. "Dude, at least mine's normal. You do know that a Mr. Weeny has two ahem right? Yours only has one."

Arkan glared at him. "Two what? Two balls? Two nuts? Two corks? Two what?"

"Two…two…" Cadvan struggled for a bit before sighing and saying reluctantly, "Fine, I'll use the scientific term. Two testes. Or is it testicles? Testes, testicles…" he trailed off, muttering to himself.

"Oh," said Arkan, regaining his composure. "How do you know?" Before Cadvan could answer, he swiftly turned around and Cadvan heard another crunching noise.

"Eww…" said Cadvan, wincing. "By the Light, do you have to make that sound? It's disgusting!"

"Better than you barfing up some weird-ass snail," said Arkan. "Now I have two companions for Mr. Weeny II. Here's Mr Balls," he pointed to his right ball, "And Mr. Nuts." He pointed to his left.

"Um…right," said Cadvan awkwardly, giving Arkan that clearly said, 'You should be in a loony bin!' He meditated for a while before saying, "Well, I guess my Mr. Weeny's companions can be called 'Mr. Dick' and 'Mr. Penis'."

"You can't beat my Mr. Weeny, Mr. Nuts and Mr. Balls in a size competition! Besides, 'dick' and 'penis' are so last century, even in Bard terms."

Cadvan took a deep breath and turned a very interesting shade of purple. He then bellowed, "MY MR. WEENY IS BETTER THAN YOURS! AND MAERAD PREFERS MY MR. WEENY ANYWAYS!"

Arkan tossed back his braids and said coolly, "Maerad would definitely prefer MINE!"

"MAERAD WOULD PREFER MINE!"

"MAERAD WOULD PREFER MINE!"

"MAERAD WOULD PREFER MINE!"

"AT LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO RULE AND I HAVE MINIONS, NOT STUPID STUDENTS LIKE YOU!"

"ALL YOU RULE IS SOME HELLHOLE NAMED ARKAN-DA WHICH HAS NOTHING BUT ICE AND SNOW! AND YOUR 'MINIONS' HATE YOUR GUTS AND WISHED THEY COULD KILL YOU! AND I COULD HAVE BEEN FIRST BARD OF NORLOCH!"

"WELL, YOU AREN'T, ARE YOU?"

"I HAD THE POTENTIAL! AND, I HAVE STUDENTS SO I CAN HELP THEM! ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY AND ORDER PEOPLE AROUND!"

"MAERAD'S MINE!"

"SHE'S MINE!"

"SHE'S MINE!"

Suddenly, with a crack, the said girl appeared, riding Cadvan's magnificent black horse, Darsor.

"Darsor!" the horse's owner cried in the Speech. "What are you doing with Maerad?"

"This magechild is a pretty good –"

"Darsor!" Cadvan cried in outrage, gasping. "Don't you dare finish that sentence!"

"Cadvan!" said Maerad happily. She got off Darsor and ran towards him, embracing him tightly. Over her shoulder, Cadvan smirked at Arkan satisfactorily. Arkan narrowed his eyes. When Maerad saw Arkan, however, she frowned and said curtly, "Winterking."

"Hello, Maerad," Arkan replied, flushing a bit. Maerad looked at the Bard, the Elemental and back at the horse. The four of them stood in awkward silence.

"What are you doing with Darsor?" Cadvan finally asked.

"Well," Maerad began, blushing. Suddenly, she gave a childish squeal and shrieked, "Oh, Cadvan, Darsor and I are in love!"

"WHAT!" Cadvan and Arkan roared in unison. "HOW COULD YOU HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A HORSE!" Darsor neighed irritably in response.

Maerad had turned a deep shade of scarlet by then and said quickly, "Well, Cadvan, you disappeared somewhere (due to some pink plot bunnies) and I didn't know what to do! Thankfully, Darsor was there to give me some support and – and well, we fell in love! I totally forgot about you!" she added, looking at Arkan.

Darsor stamped his feet and Maerad instantly hugged him around his neck, kissing him and saying in a very sickly sweet voice, "You're mine, Darsor!" and "I love you!"

Cadvan and Arkan exchanged looks and said simultaneously, "Don't worry, Mr. Weeny, you'll have fulfilment somehow!"