A/N : World class surgeon, composed, calm, cool and everything that is classy. And she lost it with her husband in front of her peers, in front of Meredith. Right now, I'm going to try and understand why the hell she stayed by Derek.

The title came with the help from Kendel and my dearest Bing. D Thank you guys!

Addison's POV

HowI never sawit baffles me. He's in love with her. I don't even know if he still loves me anymore. He never say it to me, the past week he has been acting oddly whenever Meredith's around. Although he tried to be as professional as possible, I could feel the hidden anger oozing out from his pores.

And then I blew up in his face. I knew, I found out. Meredith is dating Finn, and that is the reason why my husband, who had requested for me to wait for his infatuation with Meredith to pass, who had promised to be working on our marriage with me, is pissed. I don't know if I should blame him. Afterall, we can't help but fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. I can't say if I fell in love with Mark, but I definitely loved Mark. Whether he was a replacement or not, I do not wish to ponder over. Derek didn't sign the divorce papers when I handed them back to him, and the affair is in the past, and I'm trying to move forward. Thinking back to analyse things would not help, especially not when I have no one to talk to about.

After my outburst, we stared down at the crowd that had heard us. He looked to me with embarassment and spun away, leaving me standing there awkwardly. Richard was giving me the eye while Meredith went back to her charts a little too quickly. I tried to be reasonable, I gave him space and time for his feelings for Meredith to pass, I assumed that they would pass. I thought that being friends with Meredith wouldn't hurt, that it would most likely help my marriage if I learn to accept the people he cares for, but little did I know, I was wrong.

To be completely honest, the things I've said to the patient's parents that Derek made me talk to, were partially meant for him. It seemed appropriate in the situation, and everything just came out from my mouth. And he said I was insensitive. But really, does he still love me? Because if he truly love someone, it is to let them go. He's not letting me go, he's not letting me move on when the chance came while he stares lustily after Meredith, thinking that I don't notice. Or the other way around--not letting Meredith go when he chose me. I don't know anymore.

I ran after him down the hospital hallway, trying to talk to him. Apologise for my outburst in front of our collegues that had probably embarassed him. But he didn't respond, only to walk away faster. I picked up speed, my heels slamming onto the pavement as I called out for him again. He tilted his body around, barely taking a glance at me and held out his hand. "Not now, Addie. Not now." he had said before sliding into the on-call room. I gave up, knowing that he needs space. If I were to barge in, force open the door, it's going to turn into an argument, and I don't want to fight.

Then I saw him at the OR board after my surgery. I clipped the pin back to my scrubs and played around with my wedding band on my finger as I smiled at his figure, slowly making my way towards him. I knew he saw me, but somehow, he didn't turn around. I don't blame him either. But since when did things get this awkward between us? Then I started talking, and we came to an agreement that we are working on our marriage, and we don't want to fight. I looked to him when words came out of our mouths in sync, but his eyes were glued to the OR board as he stretched his arms. I refuse to let my gaze waver. Then he called out my name, his gaze still on the board. I started to worry, wondering what that tone meant, but I managed a response. This time, he turned to me, a smile on his face, and he asked me to prom with him. Then I smiled. Everything is alright between us.

I found him at the punch bowl after excusing myself from a casual conversation with a few collegues. I tried to make a joke about myself, hoping to ease the tension between us, the awkwardness that was build up due to my outburst. Maybe I shouldn't have blown up at all. Then I asked him to dance, my gaze glued to the table in front of me. I couldn't look at him if he were to reject me. But he agreed.

The song was slow, he held my hand over his heart while another was placed comfortablybehind my back. Our bodies were pressed close together as we swayed side to side, our heads right next to each other. Then I felt it in him, like he want something. Suddenly, he excused himself from me, and I let him go. Maybe, I had told myself, maybe he's off doing something completely sweet since this is prom. Then I saw Finn alone on the dance floor, and I approached him with a smile. A conversation sparkled immediately. He wasn't with Meredith, Derek wasn't with me. I tried to ignore the possibilities of this coincidence and enjoyed the prescence of another man who actually noticed my existance.

Not long after, Derek was back, his eyes everywhere but on me. I ignored it, afterall, this was a treatment I was used to. Nevertheless, it hurt, but I ignored it. Then Miranda came rushing by, announcing the death of Denny Duquette. Gossips in Seattle Grace spreads like wild fire, and I was aware of Izzie's attachment with the patient. Her attachment so closed that she dumped her boyfriend, Alex, for him. I don't know the exact details but gossips are gossips, sometimes, they are spun out of control, only to end up to be something ridiculous and untrue. Then the familiar blonde came, her cheeks teared stained as she walked by us, hands lifting up the sides of her pink gown, her eyes filled with emotions. I bit the bottom of my lip at the sight of how wrecked she was. Then, right behind Alex Karev and O'Malley, Meredith and Torres followed. Meredith conveniently avoided all of our gazes, including Derek's. Not for a second did she turn her head around. Then I looked to Derek, who has his back turned against Meredith. I bore my gaze into him, trying to read from his expression. He turned around, his eyes searching mine as he drew in a deep breathe before looking away again almost too quickly. And I knew. Something happened between Meredith and my husband, something that I probably don't want to know for sure. After the confession and the resignation of Isobel Stevens, I looked to Derek and awkwardly declared the end of the evening, hinting that it was about time we leave. Derek mumbled something I couldn't catch, but from his tone, I knew he wasn't ready to leave. Richard shuffled pass, I reached out, rubbing the back of his shoulder comfortingly as I turned away from Derek without a word.

If it didn't hurt me to leave the memories behind, I would have stepped out of the marriage as soon as Derek said it'd be nice if I would wait for the feelings he has for Meredith to pass. I gave him divorce papers, my heart already prepared for rejection after staying with my rock of support for 3 months, but to my surprise, he had chosen not to sign them, causing the hope in me to grow. We went for counselling, we had our good and bad days. We had sex, really good sex. Our marriage was turning for the better, and we have more memories to add on to the 11 years of our marriage. Significant ones, even. Like this is a struggle in our marriage, an obstacle we got through.

Derek has been my best friend, the love of my life like I was his. He was there for me when I couldn't hold my shield up any longer, he was there for me when I needed someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. For awhile it hasn't been him but Mark, but that period of time is not enough to erase the feelings I had for him over 11 years, like his infatuation for Meredith Grey was not enough to erase more than 11 years of memories I shared with him, more than 11 years of love I had for him. And it just hurts too much to leave all of that behind without fighting till the very end. It was like a silent decision that I've made for myself--I'm not leaving him, I'm not giving up. He slipped, and I will be the one who help him back up.

So maybe if I was indifferent to his desire for Meredith and just be there for him, things turn for the better. Maybe if I just ignore everything that he has done just for the sake of rubbing it in my face, he would soon start realising that I'm the one for him, that I will be there for him no matter what. Just maybe...