A/N : So I've decided to try and figure out what Derek was thinking when he did what he did in the finale. And no, it doesn't mean I accept his actions and it certainly doesn't mean I'm still not pissed at him. I still think he's not going to be able to redeem himself, but it doesn't mean he can't try.

Derek's POV

Meredith. Meredith and Finn. Does it mean she's really over me already? I can't look at her. I just...can't. The moment my eyes trail down her body, I see Finn's hands all over her, his lips on hers, and all over her body. This is wrong. Just wrong. It shouldn't be like this. Yes, Meredith slept with many men, but she claims that they were all mistakes. Especially George. I still can't believe that she would do that to him, but still, Meredith wasn't happy with them. She was happy with me, and now she's happy with Finn.

When she was walking down the stairs in that low cut black dress, I looked up in awe, mesmerized by her beauty. I was glued to the spot, I literally froze. Then the movement behind me jerked me back to reality. Finn ran up to her, gathering her into his arms. And there was a smile on her face. She no longer belongs to me. Addison belongs to me.

As she danced with him, her arms around his neck, I found my eyes glued to her as she smiled and laughed. Her eyes sparkled as her lips curled up, a grin forming. But she wasn't smiling at me, she was smiling at Finn. I continue to stare despite the fact that the woman in my arms is my gorgeous wife. Despite the fact that I held her close to my body, her hand over my heart. I continued to stare. And finally, Meredith saw me. Our eyes locked for what seemed like eternity. I managed a small smile, and to my relief, she smiled back. It was just a matter of seconds, it wasn't enough. She broke the contact and shifted her eyes back to Finn, excusing herself. I saw that as my opportunity. I pulled away from Addison and excused myself as calmly as I can before chasing after my intern. Funny thing was, I didn't feel guilty when she willingly let me off the dance floor, completely oblivious to my plans.

Meredith yelled as she ran down the hallway. She asked me to leave her alone. But I can't, I need her. I need to be her McDreamy. And I need to know she still feels that way about me. Now that Doc is finally put to sleep, there can't be any more secret dog walks, no more trying to be friends. Without the dog, our interactions are limited to within the walls of the hospital, in earshot of anyone who is nearby, at risk of getting caught by Addison if I wasn't careful. I don't even know why I care if Addison found out.

When I told Meredith I couldn't look at my wife like I look at her, I wasn't lying. I couldn't look at Addison the same way I looked at her before I caught her with Mark. When I look at Meredith, it sickens me to imagine Finn's body all over hers, but when I look at Addison, the night I found them together appears right in front of my eyes. I guess with Meredith I just imagined the way it would be with Finn, but with Addison, I remember the way it was with Mark.

Every word I said to Meredith in the exam room was true. Addison doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me go crazy. Well, she does. But not in the way Meredith makes me go crazy. I've seen every inch of Addison's body, and I must admit, sex with her and sex with Meredith were completely different. I know the pulse points of my wife, I know ever curve of her body, where she likes to be touched, where she doesn't. It's like the way she knows mine after 11 years of marriage. But with Meredith, it was fresh, new. Like a breathe of fresh air, the one that saved me when I was drowning. Her body was different, definitely smaller. And there are many things about her body that I don't know, and sex with her was just exciting, and challenging. I need to wonder if the way my hands move would make her peak, I need to wonder if I'm kissing her the right way, if she likes the feel of my lips trailing down from her lips all the way to her chest. With Addison, movements came so naturally that it was almost like breathing. It was comfortable. The only challenge with Addison was to find new positions, new ways, new locations. It was great, but it was comfortable, it felt normal. With Meredith, it was exciting. I need to feel that excitment again.

And then she said it. The way I look at her stops her from moving on. I swore I smiled when she said that, and I moved around the exam table, my body so close to hers. She didn't move away, she didn't flinch. And when I dip my lips down onto hers, she didn't resist. Instead, she caved in and kissed back, and things continued, going into the direction it shouldn't be going. But neither of us cared. I need to feel her body, I need my lips to be on hers, I need to feel the excitment, the newness that I haven't bee feeling for more than 11 years.

Then it was done, almost like it was a dream. And suddenly I wonder, what does it mean for her? She says she likes Finn, she says she's happy with him, but she did it with me. I asked her, but she couldn't answer. And the door swung open. It was Callie Torres. I looked away, my pounding heart calmed down slightly when I realised that it wasn't Addison, Richard or Adele that had caught us. I adjusted my tie, my eyes lingering on Meredith's bare back as she turned away from me, rushing out of the room with Callie. I almost opened my mouth, but attempted to clear my throat instead. However, the sound was stuck when Callie's eyes shifted back to me. Those eyes reflected nothing else but utter disgust.

I made a detour to the restroom, making sure that I look decent enough before coming face to face with my wife again. I don't need her suspicion and her questions, I don't want to deal with them. And she was there holding a casual conversation with Finn. She straightened up, her back towards me as she laughed. Her laughter filled my ears as my eyes traced down her back, the dress showing off the curves on her body. It didn't do anything to me due to the fact that I've seen her naked a thousand times. At least, not when I was trying to check her out. Each time I did that, the memory of her and Mark on our bed back in New York flashed back in front of my eyes, and I will cring. I don't know what got me through the night I had hot shower sex with her. Suddenly, I wonder if it was fired off by the fact that I saw Meredith walking down the stairs with Finn's shirt when I brought Doc back in. Maybe it was.

Miranda Bailey rushed towards us briskly, I could see her from the corner of her eye. Her brows were creased together with sorrow. And then she announced the death of Denny Duquette. It caught my attention, our attention. We looked on, expecting Richard to say something before the interns arrived, with Isobel Stevens leading, her cheeks tear-stained. And then it was Meredith. Immediately, I spun around, desperately trying not to look at her for fear that my expressions might give off something. I felt Addison's eyes on me a moment later, and I turned, facing her. It was on instinct, but when I saw her face, I was relieved that there weren't suspicion, hate, disgust or any of that sort. It was simply confusion. Good, she doesn't have to know. I shifted on the spot, debated on what I have to say. Maybe we should go home right now, maybe I should send her home, then sneak away. I don't know. Before I could make up my mind, Addison turned away without a word, walking after Richard. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breathe, turning into the opposite direction only to see Meredith. Our eyes locked again. She had started to walk after Finn only to be held back on the spot. She looked to me, exhausted and confused at the same time, then turning her gaze back to Finn when he stopped to face her. My mind flashed back to the time where Addison and I stood in front of the OR board. She had created a scene the day before, then almost apologised, saying that she didn't want to fight because we were 'working on our marriage'. And I asked her to prom. She didn't want to fight, all she wants is for the marriage to work out--whatever it takes. And my mind flashed back to what Richard had told me when I rushed into the on-call room to hide from my wife. Richard had an affair, and Adele knows, but she didn't say a word. Then I realised that there was a high chance that Addison is going to follow Adele's footsteps in our marriage, but at the same time, Addison is strong and independent. There was still a small chance that she will leave me after she was tired of fighting. I thought about the small chance that might happen, realising that if that happened, I would be all alone. I called out toMeredith softly, and her gaze return to me.Then Finn turned around, his eyes shifting to Meredith, then towards me. I almost smirk at his expression--he knew.

I have a wife, a wife who stood by me for so long despite my ignorance and indifference towards her, a wife who finally blew up in my face about me not caring about her, about how she can't make me care because she's not Meredith. I have a wife, and yet I had to keep Meredith by my side. Why? I do not know, or do I? I should be thinking about it,but right now, I don't care. I need to keepMeredith by my side, I am her McDreamy. Tilting my head sideways slightly, I let my lips curl up with a small smile, a silent gesture to beckon her over.Her eyes shifted back to me, then back to Finn again, as though pondering over a decision. There was a smile pulling at the side of her lips, and I smiled my infamous smile.

I'm going to make her choose me.