A/N : So yes, I've decided to make it 4 chapters, each chapter with the character's thoughts about the whole Meredith/Derek sex thing. I didn't like Meredith to begin with, then I started to respect her, and then I started to like her because somehow, her smile (when she was with Finn) won me over--slightly. But right now, I really, really don't know.

Meredith's POV

When I walked down the steps n the black dress, I saw Derek. But I switched my gaze quickly to Finn, I flashed a smile and he smiled back, making his way away fromt he punch bowl and gathered me into his arms, planting a soft kiss on the side of my cheek. This man, is perfect. He doesn't just want to get into my pants, he wants to know me, he respects the fact that I'm not having sex for a period of time, he takes things slow in a relationship. Which is good, really good, especially when he just blurted out everything about him to me on our so-called first date. Finn had a wife who died tragically in a car accident, not a wife who is very well alive, still married to him but on the other side of the country. Finn is honest, Finn lays down the cards, Finn has plans, Finn is scary and damaged. I'm scary and damaged. And when he said he has plans with me in the future, I smiled. I really smiled. He has plans. And I wrap my arms around his neck, simply letting him hold me tight while I dance to the music.

Then I felt a pair of eyes on me. I shifted my gaze and they landed on Derek's. His eyes were sparkling, locked into mine as he held his wife in his arms, swaying to the music. For a moment, it felt like it was just me and him, dancing so close yet so far apart, far enough for us to look into each other's eyes and still feel our bodies against each other. Or maybe that was just a left-over desire of me wanting to jump into bed with Derek. He smiled, and I smiled back. Suddenly, I was scared. I pushed myself out of Finn's arms and immediately, he looked to me, concerned. Man, this man is nothing but perfect. And he checked to see if I was ok. But I'm not, so I made a half-lie, then excused myself. Finn had suspected that there was something going on between Derek and I, and he's not wrong, but I can't tell him. I can't tell him my past with Derek, and I can't lie to him. And at the moment he pointed that out, I've never been so glad to hear my pager go off in my life.

And now, he has plans, and I'm running down the empty hallway, lifting my skirt up so I wouldn't trip over them. Foorsteps were pounding behind, I didn't need to turn around to know that it was none othere than Derek Shepherd. I was desperate, I was scared, and I didn't want to deal with him. As much as I'd like to, he has a wife. He has a wife who is amazingly nice to me, who isn't bias against me, who is a intelligent surgeon and an incredble woman. He has. A wife.

I slipped into the exam room and tried to close the door behind me to lock it. But too late. I desperately trying not to cry out of frustration, I had no strength to fight back the force that pushed open the door. All I did was to run to the opposite side of the exam table and glare at him. And as lame as it could get, he decided that he came running after me after I yelled "Leave me alone!" to check if I was ok. I've said this once and I'm going to say this again--he's a brain surgeon, how can he be so brainless? No, wait. Don't answer that. I already know--Boys are stupid.

And no, I'm not ok, and I am trying to move on, and I really like Finn, and he has plans. And I told him all of that, reminding him once again that he has a wife. He's supposed to be McDreamy, he's suppose to be working things out with his wife--for real. He's suppose to fight like hell for his wife because she has McSteamy wanting her back and willing to give her everything she needs. But no, he isn't. Derek Shepherd is here, asking if I was alright after I ran away from him. Suddenly, I'm starting to doubt if calling him McDreamy was just physically. Then he came over to my side and told me his wife doesn't make it impossible to make him feel normal, that he can't look at her the way he looks at me. It creeps me out, but at the same time, it felt good. I turned around, trying to resist him with every vibe in my body. But his lips hit mine, and I lost it. I kissed back knowing very well that I shouldn't. I'm dating Finn--who has plans. Within the last 24 hours I have told Addison that I have not been sleeping with Derek ever since I found out that he has a wife. I remember the pain and awkwardness in her eyes when she asked the question, and then the relief when I told her the answer she needed to hear. Then she turned away, only to turn back the next second, confronting me. Hell, she's one, smart woman. Then I tried to reassure her that there was nothing between her husband and I besides just being friends, explaining that I am now dating Finn. Big mistake. I saw the expression in her eyes as much as she had tried to hide it. It was like realization hit her like a truck, and then there was the obvious pain reflected in her eyes, and I cursed myself for being stupid. And right now, I'm being stupid again because technically, I'm cheating on my boyfriend, and making out with my friend's husband who happened to be my ex-boyfriend. I tried to resist him even though it felt so good to taste his lips once again. But when his arms slided up the hem of my dress, everything else was forgotten.

I don't know why I did it, but I must admit that he's really good in bed. He makes the rest of the world goes away when his lips were carassing every inch of my body, and the feeling is just intoxicating, it's addictive. I guess maybe because of my vow to celibacy that made me a sex-deprived, horny whore that missed the excitment sex gives. I don't know, and right then, I don't care because it just felt so good.

When it was over, he asked what it meant. I couldn't tell if the tone was demanding so he would get an answer, or the tone was simply anger. Anger at what he had done and what I had done, what we had done because clearly, it was a mistake. I changed the topic, asking about my panties while my eyes searched the floor desperately. He asked me again, and the door swung open. I spun around, thanking my lucky stars that it was Callie who stood there and not Addison. George asked for me. How Callie found me it was still a surprise, but George asked for me, something regarding Izzie and Denny, and I know I needed to be there. At the same time, it was a perfect chance to get away from Derek. I need to figure out why I did it when I clearly did not want to. I thought it was a mistake, but after we did it, I'm not so sure anymore.

I was about to go back with Izzie, even though she clearly had Alex and George with her, and I have Finn. I couldn't just leave Finn there.When Addison announced the end of the evening, Finn caught up with me, offering to take me home. But when I turned around, I saw Derek, and I froze. And Finn stopped walking, turning around. His eyes slowly travelled to where Derek was standing and he knew. I hear Derek call out my name, I turned to him. What was I suppose to say? What was I suppose to do? Then Finn called out for me, his voice louder this time, beckoning me over to him. He knew, and he didn't not look at me with disgust, he did not turn and walk away, he did not have traces of anger bouncing off his aura. He knew something was up, and he still wanted me.

Finn respected me, he never touched me the way Derek did, and I don't know if he would because I had not jumped into bed with him yet. But he respected me, he respected my decisions, my choices, and he went slow because I asked to. He has plans. But being with him doesn't feel like being with Derek. I like Finn, I really like Finn, but a part of me was still in love with Derek. Finn has plans. Finn didn't get angry, turn and run away when he knew what I did, and now Derek is just standing there, looking at me instead of following his wife, like he's ready to stay with me if I take a step towards him.

There are two paths laid in front of me. One that is build up from respect, that gives security and holds a future, another started off with sex, went by with sex, ended abruptly without warning, but felt good, really good. The challenges ahead makes me excited, but there was no guarentees. I once asked Derek to pick me, to choose me and to love me, and he picked Addison. And now,it is my turn to choose.

Finn has plans. But will Derek leave Addison for me this time?