Hard to believe this started out as mostly humor. Anyway, in this chapter I address something with Goku that Rayven had brought up in a review that I had thought about and realized I never brought up. So thanks for that! Also, there's a shout-out/reference in here to "In Darkness We Drown" by Ditch Gospel (or the title anyway). Go read it if you like the angst…which is this chapter in a nutshell. Enjoy!

Chapter 11. Lose Yourself.

I want to go on a walk! Come on! Get up, get up, get up! Gojyo! Move it! I want out! I want out!

Gojyo stared at the spectacle before him and couldn't decide if he wanted to laugh or cry. Watching Sanzo race back and forth between him and the door, occasionally jumping up at the window, and shouting his little mantra was a little freaky to be sure. Currently it had cost him four cigarettes and two shots of liquor he snuck from the kitchen. Would probably earn another shot within the hour if Hakkai didn't show up soon with Goku. The monkey was gold for keeping the dog in check and occupied.

It's such a nice day! Sanzo couldn't understand it. The sun was shining, there was an obvious breeze if the trees outside the window were any observation and he could smell something wonderful under the door. But he was cooped up inside! How could Gojyo stand being in that chair for so long? Though, the cigarettes smelled really good for some reason, but still. And we can get Hakkai and Goku and it'll be fun! Move! And you guys can get some biscuits! As long as you share of course.

"Uh, right." Gojyo wondered if he could convince Hakkai to buy twice the usual amount of cigarettes. He was going to need them. "You think you can handle yourself or do I need to get a leash?"

Leash? Sanzo stopped and tilted his head to the side. Why would you need a leash? Why would I leave? I like you guys, you're my family. I have no reason to go anywhere. Sanzo's tail wagged happily. Other than going outside! It's stuffy in here!

"I never thought I'd miss the ill-tempered, hates our guts, pissy version of the monk so damn much." Gojyo sighed to himself and rubbed the space between his eyebrows. This whole affair was giving him a headache. "Hakkai said to stay here, pup."

I'm not a pup! Sanzo pouted. What was really so hard to comprehend about this concept? He was almost two years old for goodness sake! Just how dumb was the water sprite? I want to go out!

"No." Gojyo held his head as the headache worsened. He suddenly knew how Sanzo felt every time he and Goku refused to shut up in the back. He tried glaring at the mutt to get him to shut up, because it worked so well for Sanzo. And since he knew that tactic never really worked, he added "Bad dog." For good measure.

Sanzo felt as if he had been slapped. A bad dog? Why was he being scolding? What?

Gojyo knew he shouldn't look, he just knew that it would be bad. He ended up looking at Sanzo anyway. That damned priest had this absolutely pathetic expression on his face that seemed to do wonders for creating a guilt complex. "Okay, I take it back, you're not a bad dog. I'm just tired."

Sanzo barked and started wagging his tail in relief. He knew there was no way he could be scolded. He was behaving like he should, he just wanted to go outside. Hakkai and Goku would be proud he hadn't snuck out on his own! That's good. Now get up and let's go outside! It'll make you feel better.

"Hello, Gojyo, Sable. We're back from the shopping." Gojyo relaxed hearing Hakkai's voice coming in through the front door. It was about damn time.

Hakkai and Goku are back! Yay! Now we can go out! Sanzo ran about excitedly and went to greet Goku and Hakkai at the door. It was only the proper thing to do since he was a good dog.

"Hey! Down, down Sable!" Goku laughed as Sable jumped up at him and licked his face. It was cute and taking a peak past him at Gojyo's ashtray, he imagined Sable had been quite the handful while they were out. "You're usually not this excited."

Gojyo groaned into his headache and decided to make a suggestion. He needed that dog out of the room for just a little bit. "Why don't you take the mutt out to play before he explodes?"

"Good idea." Goku turned and tackled his dog into a hug. It was so nice to see him so energetic and happy! But Goku couldn't help but shake the nagging feeling that was sinking into his chest. It almost felt like he was losing something, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out what that thing might be. But whatever it was, it wasn't hindering him in any way so he suppressed the notions. "Let's go out."

Yay! I finally get to go outside. Sanzo chased after Goku happily. And because he was a very good dog, he added one last shout over his shoulder. Thank-you Gojyo!

"My, Sanzo sure is," Hakkai paused for the right wording, "excitable recently."

"Just say he's cracked, Hakkai." Gojyo reached for another cigarette. "If I had to sit through one more round of 'pet me' I was going to kill him. Let's not get started on the 'I wanna play' fiascos."

"Yes," Hakkai sat down in the chair. Things were not going well for his family, and it was worrying him. He briefly wondered if Jeep was alright. Sanzo's recent descent into the dog's state of mind had left his little friend quite agitated to the point he was avoiding the group. Last he saw of Jeep, the little dragon was on the roof sulking. Which was being oddly recreated by the half-breed companion of his across the room. "I'm sorry to make you baby-sit, Gojyo. But I'm not sure what else to do."

"Hey, don't give me that." Gojyo cursed himself and stabbed out the cigarette. Hakkai was going to angst again. "It's not your fault this is happening."

"I know, but this all crept up so much faster than I thought it would." Hakkai watched Goku play tug-of-war with Sanzo and was disappointed when the smile that it should have caused never graced his face. "I could have sworn we'd have at least another full month. He's gotten three times as bad in only a few days and I'm worried. He won't be Sanzo anymore by the end of this week."

"Yeah, it sucks royally." The water sprite massaged his temples. "But what can we do? It's not in our hands anymore."

"We're losing him again, Gojyo." Hakkai felt a bitter smile peel open his face. "And I can't help but feel angry at Goku for not noticing by now."

Gojyo smashed the butt of his Hi-Lite into the ashtray, knew better not to light another. "Hakkai?"

"Out of all of us, he should have been first. It just doesn't make any sense to me, and it's frustrating."

"Calm down, Hakkai." Gojyo stood up to make some tea. He was bad at it, but Hakkai needed a drink. Maybe he could lace the cup with saké, that usually cheered the man up. "Goku's got a lot of reason to be in denial too."

"Like we didn't?" Hakkai stood angrily. It was considerate of Gojyo to try making tea, but Hakkai needed something to keep himself occupied. "Whatever happened to Goku's sense of danger when it comes to Sanzo? Where's that?"

That was something that had been bothering Gojyo as well. It really didn't make sense for Goku to not pick up on the 'Sanzo's in trouble you moron. Figure this out now!' vibes. But then again, there was always that other possibility. Which made sense as well, but he wasn't sure if his friend would see things that way. Gojyo started slowly. "Hakkai, you ever think he's not feeling it, because there's nothing wrong?"

"What do you mean, Gojyo? How can there not be something wrong when Sanzo is chasing cats and playing fetch?" Hakkai kept his eyes focused on the tea kettle. If things kept going like they are now, then he'd probably explode with the steam from the pot.

"I mean that physically, Sanzo's fine." Gojyo sauntered back to his seat at the table. Clearly, Hakkai didn't want his help with the tea the way he'd been pushed aside. "And he's pretty happy mentally, too. In fact, he's acting like a dog, but this is the happiest I've ever seen the monk."

Gojyo could hear the tea cup shatter behind him. Apparently he had hit a nerve with his friend. "You okay, Hakkai?"

"Do you think what we're doing is right?" The demon's voice echoed painfully in his own ears.

Gojyo didn't like where this was going, there was something reflective in Hakkai's voice that worried him. "Doing what right?"

"Do you think, maybe Sanzo would be better off as a dog?" Hakkai could hear every clink of the cup pieces from Gojyo's silent answer. "You said it yourself, we've never seen him happier."

"Oy, when I said that, I was trying to think of reasons the monkey hasn't picked up on our little problem yet." Gojyo turned to face Hakkai. "Which we do have, a problem. The plan is to turn Sanzo back into a human. The man doesn't like being a dog, I'm just saying that the dog is happy."

Hakkai decided to leave the mess in the kitchen be. There really was no point in cleaning it when they were leaving this afternoon anyway. He picked up the glass, there was no more expected of him. "We did out parts, Gojyo. If Goku doesn't do his, than maybe Sanzo is better off as Sable. Maybe, we should just give in to the inevitable and end this sooner."

"You listening to yourself?" Gojyo slammed a fist on the table. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm being rationale Gojyo." Hakkai adjusted his monocle. "You're being absurd."

"Absurd? Well, maybe you're the one in denial!"

"Denial?" Hakkai laughed. "Whatever do you mean? I think you're the one who's believing in things that don't appear to ever happen."

Gojyo was shocked. "At least I don't give up you bastard! I have more faith than that."

"Excuse me for not setting myself up to fall!" Hakkai shouted. "I already did that once!"

"That doesn't change what I said." Gojyo yanked a cigarette out of the pack. He couldn't believe this conversation was happening, and he couldn't face Hakkai face to face any longer. He continued with his back to the man. "You're scared."

"Excuse me?" Hakkai strode foreword to yank Gojyo back around to look at him in the eyes. He grabbed the lighter from Gojyo's hand and threw it across the room. Didn't notice it land at an open door and was far too angry to notice Gojyo's frozen state. "I am not scared of losing him again!"

"Losing who again, Hakkai?" Goku stared in shock. He couldn't believe Hakkai and Gojyo had been screaming at each other like that. He could hear them from outside the building, it was mumbled, but the emotions poured out of the walls like water. Things were becoming strange and the fact that they were both staring directly at him as if he had three heads was disconcerting. It was making that tension in his gut cultivate.

"Sanzo." Hakkai answered simply and strongly. The man ignored Gojyo's flinch.

"Hakkai." Gojyo was angry. Maybe it was one thing for Hakkai to make decisions on his own, but this was going much too far. It wasn't like him to act on impulse and Gojyo suppressed any notion that told him that was a bold faced lie to make himself feel better.

"What do you mean 'Sanzo,' Hakkai?" Goku didn't understand what was going on. Something was nagging at his heart and the seriousness in Hakkai's eyes scared him. "He's dead, Hakkai."

"No, he's not."

Sanzo felt warm, like he was being wrapped into a tight blanket fitted just for him. It was as if he could just let go of the world and relax for the first time in his life. As if everything that he had ever worried for was taken care of and complete. Was this what death really felt like? Nothing bothered him here.

His thoughts were all his own and only he existed. His memories were free of those things that ripped at his heart, tore is soul. He was covered in a new presence.

Here there was no scriptures, no journey west, no meddling goddesses or demons. There was no dead master, because it didn't matter here. It wasn't a failed attempt at protection, it was a memory resolved. He understood that he was human, that it was no fault of his own. He was warm and sinking deep. No light to hurt his eyes in the morning, nor pain that followed such things.

He could hear voices off in the distance, shouting, concerns, prayers and the ever present nagging voice of a lonely child. Familiar voices that he knew so very intimately.

But they weren't important. Nothing was as important as the here, the now, this warmth. This surrounding presence that calmed, that made everything right.

It was like being reborn.

He could start over here if he wanted. Sanzo, was that his name? Or was it Kouryuu? Not that it mattered much. There was no one here to call him by that name, nor someone to be introduced to. No stress, no one to please, just he and this comforting place.

Here, he could just be. He could sink and drown in this overwhelming darkness. This warm, comforting night that promised a new tomorrow.

Hakkai was treading thin ground with Gojyo and he knew it, but that was alright. This was something that he had to do, he would end it. He hoped that this was indeed the right decision. "Goku?"

Goku felt the stab in his chest like hundreds of tiny needles at Hakkai's voice. How could he say such a thing? Why would he dare joke with him like this? "Don't do this, Hakkai. It's cruel."

"Yeah, Hakkai." Gojyo watched Sanzo playing outside in the dirt. He hadn't told yet, there was still time to save what little ground they had. Gojyo refused to give up on Sanzo and Goku. "Stop screwing with the kid's head using odd wording."

"Odd wording?" Goku looked to Gojyo and Hakkai again in turn. His head hurt, his chest was aching and the heat in the room forced him to sit down. "What's going on with you two? You're tense, you're acting weird, and I just don't understand what the hell is going on!"

"Goku." Hakkai walked over and put his hand on Goku's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I was angry with Gojyo, so my wording was rather harsh."

"Gojyo? What'd that pervert do this time?" Goku looked up.

"He accused me of doing something very horrible." Hakkai sat down beside Goku and leaned into the chair.

"What'd he do?"

"He accused me, of forgetting Sanzo." Hakkai smiled softly. In the end, he lived for himself just as the others. As if he needed another reason for heaven to reject him. "He said I got over my depression by pretending he never existed. That I lost him again."

"But you said he's alive. And so seriously, too." Goku put his head on the table and watched Sable walk back into the room. He yawned and laid down on the floor across from the group, looked like he was taking a nap. For some reason having Sable in the room was comforting.

"He is," Hakkai looked at Sanzo and avoided unnecessary contact with those in the room. He kept his attention on the floor just below Sanzo's tail. "In my head, and in my heart."

Goku laughed a little bit before ending in an all out laugh. He really was paranoid. "Leave it to you to make something like that seem so literal."

"Yes," Hakkai chuckled. "I imagine it is rather silly when you put it that way, but do you understand?"

"That's something I know far too well." Goku stood up and walked over to Sable. It was time for a nap of his own. These conversations were getting much to serious. They needed to lighten up before this stress got to them again. "Sanzo can never die if he's alive in my thoughts, right?"

"Yes." Green met red when Gojyo took a seat beside Hakkai. "That's exactly right, monkey. So don't you forget it, either, Hakkai. Sanzo's not going anywhere."

"You're right, Gojyo." Hakkai brushed his brown hair out of his eye. "I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"Well, since we're all agreed, you guys knock off the fighting in the future, too. You're both so tense lately." Goku tugged at Sable's collar. "And I'm taking a nap."

Sable followed Goku happily as they headed towards the back room. That always meant he could sleep on the bed with Goku or one of the others. It was always better that way, he was close and he could hear their heartbeats. Sable could feel their warmth through the cold blankets and just snuggle together with them. Sable wondered if Jeep would come to, or if he'd stay flying about outside like he had been this morning.

Goku curled up onto the bed above the blankets and pat the sheets to get Sable to come up as well. He rested his head on the dog's chest, like a big warm pillow, and sighed. The things Hakkai had said were hitting him harder than he let on. Was he doing that too? Had he forgotten Sanzo? Goku stroked Sable's fur and decided that there was no way that could happen. But yet, the man hadn't occupied his thoughts recently like it had been. Almost as if he was slipping away from his thoughts.

As if Sanzo was disappearing, and that was a truly frightening thought. What if Sanzo disappeared? Had he gone from his thoughts already? Goku's brain was swarmed with these questions. He found it difficult to think of what Sanzo looked like anymore and it had only been a few months.

He remembered the golden hair, the red chakra and those piercing purple eyes. He remembered the way he'd get dark whenever it rained, but shined whenever he was hiding how he felt. The others might not have noticed, but after living with the man for six years, Goku had. When Gojyo would share his lighter, or Hakkai made coffee, Sanzo got just a little brighter. But why couldn't he picture his face? Goku looked so very hard for the man inside of his head.

Sanzo, where are you?

His hand stilled and remained resting between Sable's paws as Goku snuggled in further, and could feel himself drifting into sleep. Sable was warm.

"Thanks for making me the bad guy, Hakkai." Gojyo blew smoke towards the demon's face. "Shit, you scared the hell out of me with that little act."

"Sorry, Gojyo." Hakkai had a feeling the apology wouldn't go very far, but he could try it anyway. "I didn't mean for it to go that far, or to hurt you or Goku."

"Just tell me straight, Hakkai." Gojyo locked his eyes to the burning embers of his favorite vice. "Were you actually going to tell? Just to end this charade?"

"Yes." A simple answer for a complex decision.

"What made you change your mind?" Gojyo continued watching the grey ashes fall from the tip to hit the tray below.

"I decided to be selfish. I'd rather keep Sanzo miserable with us than let him go away and be happy." Hakkai tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"That so." Gojyo took another drag. "And that was it?"

"That's it."

"Thanks." He stood. "For being selfish, I mean."

"Of course, Gojyo." Hakkai leaned his arms on the table and considered going back to clean the kitchen. He was sure he had missed some of the pieces of glass that still needed to be taken care of.

"I'd never forgive you you know, 'cause I miss that bastard of a Sanzo." Gojyo smirked. "Who else would I make fun of? But we've covered that reason, before."

"You wouldn't miss anything else?" Hakkai dropped his head again.

"Maybe the fact he has just a bitter look at the world as the rest of us." Gojyo walked back to his friend and pushed Hakkai's head down onto the table. "And he just finishes our little group off? Why do I need another reason?"

"That's the most sense you've made all day, Gojyo." Hakkai grinned.

"Yeah, I'm awesome like that."

"Indeed."

So why did he still feel a pulling at his chest? Why this lingering emotion that kept him from fully giving in to what he wanted so badly? Sanzo's breathing increased slowly as the pain crept back into his chest. Little shreds of light were breaking his protective shell, his little warm envelop. There was a reason he needed to stay focused, but it was so easy to forget. Just so easy to drift away into oblivion and sleep. Stay in this comforting dream.

I'd rather keep Sanzo miserable with us than let him go away and be happy.

Hakkai. That was Cho Hakkai, the man who was once Cho Gonou. His friend, and probably the only one he'd talk to willingly for more than five minutes. Where had that come from? Why was he hearing him? The room was heating up and he could feel it sinking into his skin. He began to sweat.

'cause I'd miss that bastard of a Sanzo.

Gojyo. That annoying voice that felt of liquor and cigarettes, Sha Gojyo. Another voice among the dozens that were filtering into his head. This one as distinct as the voice before, but there was so much exposed now in it. He'd never heard this emotion in the man's voice; it was clear. It attached like a rope around his wrist. Nestled tightly with the others appearing and they pulled at him.

Sanzo, where are you?

Goku. That was Son Goku calling him again. Because he could never learn to shut up. That nagging voice that refused to let him have any peace. This, this was important. Sanzo knew it was. Yes, this particular voice was so very loud. It kept calling at him, screaming for him.

Calling? What was it about calling that was so important? Why did he hear these voices? Sanzo's chest ached with all these fluttering emotions bombarding him. It hurt.

Be strong, Genjyo Sanzo.

His name was Sanzo, he had a job to do. He had to retrieve the scriptures, avenge his master, and slap three demons into shape because they couldn't take care of themselves. Sleep would have to wait, he'd have to find a way to push free from this nightmare. He had to wake up. Had to fight this smothering heat, this saturating night, he had to wake up.

Sanzo screamed.