If Not Now When Chapter 6: Why is there talk about mashy peas?, a dark angel fanfic

Jade - DA- If Not Now When?

Title: If Not Now When?
Author: Jade
Rating: PG-13 I think a little bit of language
Show: DA
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairing: M/A ALL the way
Type: WIP
Summary: Alec leaves Seattle. How will everyone react, especially Max?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone apart from Storm.

A/N: This is AU as Biggs is alive and well kicking!

A/N 2: It may seem like I'm making Max out to be the devil at first but please just bear with me.

A/N 3: Please Read and Review

Mood Music: Puddle of Mudd 'Blurry', Linkin Park 'Easier to Run'

This is for the one who never took the chance and will never know...

Don't let metaphors get in the way...

Anyways, hope you guys like this one. To be honest i'm not sure about it. /

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Chapter 6 - Why is there talk about mushy peas?

Location: TC - Max's Office

"So let's try this again; why do you think Alec left?"

"Because he wanted to move on to greener pastures?"

Just as Storm's hand was about to make itself re-acquainted with Max's cheek, it was met by Max's hand.

"Just 'cos you did it once don't think you can do it again."

"Then don't tempt me."

"Fine. I don't know why he left Storm. I just don't know."

"Of course you know. You just don't want to acknowledge it. What I want to know is why?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"So you wanna play it like that huh? Ok fine. We will come back to this question later. Lets try this one. Why are you still hanging on to Logan? After all this time do you really think it would work?"

"Of course it will!"

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes!"

"Then why on Earth haven't you still dragged me by the arm across the Command Centre threatening to splice me and dice me and then give my remains to scientists to further their research on us, unless I didn't show you a transgenic who could make you the cure? Huh, tell me that!"

To that Max had no reply. She had just turned crimson with embarrassment and couldn't look Storm in the eye.

"Wanna know why I think that is? It's because you are too scared to admit that you might be wrong."

"No! That's not it. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me. Give me a chance."

"Look I just don't want to be a quitter 09'er again alright? That's what you all think of me so if I were to leave Logan that's what you would all say. Contrary to popular belief I don't just run when things get tough!"

Storm couldn't believe her ears. She couldn't fathom that Max's reasoning could have been so simple. She had come up with a lot of ideas to why Max couldn't just let go yet she had never thought it could be because she just didn't want to give up.

"That's why you are not breaking it off with Logan?"

"Not just that. I love him too. He's had my back all this time."

"I know that hon, but I can say the same thing about my .45. I love it and it's kept me safe all this time, but I sure as hell don't love it the way I love Biggs. There are many kinds of love Max. What you have to ask yourself is what kind of love you have for Logan. Do you love him like a man or like a friend? Or are you just keeping him close because you feel like you owe him?"

"I ..."

Meanwhile at a city far away:

Location: Blue Moon Bar

Alec had been swirling the amber liquid around his glass for a while and just staring at it taking the shape of its surroundings. The way the whisky easily filled the space with grace as he continued to twirl the glass had him captivated. It was adapting to its surroundings with an ease that was making Alec wish that it could have been the same way for him. He was sitting on a stool by the bar with his back towards the crowd. He was in his own little world. With each month that had passed he thought he would have been a step nearer to getting over her. That had not happened. In fact it had been quite the opposite. With each passing month he had missed her more. Every little thing had a habit of making him think about her. He'd be having a 'Max-free' moment and then the breeze would hit him and bring with it a whiff of a smell: a vanilla doughnut. Most people would just get a craving but not Alec. Alec wasn't that lucky. Alec would remember the way Max liked to eat her doughnut. The way she would lick the vanilla icing off from the sides and leave most of it for her final bite. The most glorious sight where she would sigh with contentment afterwards. That's what Alec remembered.

Alec's POV

Has it ever happened to you when you just know you are falling for the wrong person? You try to do everything in your power not to, but call it karma call kismet or even fate, you realise you're already fallen way too far. It's too late and it's way too deep.

Wrong can be in many senses. Like they just happen to be one of your closest friends. The one person, who however much they deny it, is the one who just "gets" you. The one person you don't even have to connect with verbally, where just a slight shake of the shoulder or the raise of an eyebrow is enough for you to know how they feel. The one person who has no intention of making you as important to them as they are to you.

Or just wrong as in they might actually be bad for you. For example characteristically they drag you down, make you feel blue. Their presence in your mind making you act like a different person. Where when you look in the mirror you no longer recognise yourself and the person you have become. And deep down you know it isn't right but you feel like as if you have a duty to be the person they want you to be. And slowly by slowly you make yourself believe that this is the person you are and this is the best you are gonna get.

Oh great, I'm doing it again: I'm having conversations with myself. Isn't this supposed to be the first sign of madness? I guess the madness is when you actually expect an answer to your unstated question. No, madness is when you do exactly the same thing but expect different results each time. I know a thing or two about that.

End of Alec's POV

With a grimace he drained his glass of what was left of his drink and looked longingly at the bottle behind the bar.

"Barkeep. I'd like another one of those." While the barman was re-filling his glass a pre-pulse song started to play from the jukebox.

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away

Everyone is changing
there's no-one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that I will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...

"Just my luck! I mean what were the chances of me actually hearing Gloria Gaynor belt out 'I Will Survive'? Zilch!" Alec told the barman who had started to polish some glasses with a dish cloth.

"Look mate, whatever song came on you would have thought of her. If that guy had been singing 'Little Bo Peep Lost Her Bleedin' Sheep' you would have thought of her."

"Oh man, you're telling me that it's that obvious!"

"Na, that's love innit? It makes our heads turn into mushy peas." said the barman.

"All the nutritional values gone?" asked Alec who was feeling a little worse for wear as this had been the 5th bar he had visited tonight.

"Just gooey mate, just gooey." With those words he had simplified something which had been discussed and philosophised by so many people for so many years. "So what's the name of the girly who broke your heart?"

"Max."

"That's a nice name for a gi... Oh. Never would have thought you sailed your boat up that creek and in this job you'd think I'd know."

"What?"

"I thought you was playing for Man-U and all this time you was playing for Manchester City."

"I'm not following you."

"Not that there is anything wrong with that mind you. I mean there was this lad from back home he was too, only his old man wasn't too happy about it."

"He was what?"

"Well, one of you lot innit."

"He was one of...? Oh God you know!"

"Yeah I know." The barman told him with pride. "It was hard to tell to be honest. I mean you are one of them ones who I'd never suspect innit? You blend in with the crowd. I mean you're a good looking lad. In a non-homosexual way of course."

"Just out of interest, one: what gave it away? And two: why aren't you calling the cops?"

"The boys in blue? Now why would I do that? I mean there is no law against what you are."

"Not yet there isn't." Alec said in a sombre tone.

"I have to admit it lad there is a lot of protestors against you."

"Ain't that the truth! So what gave me away? Can you see my barcode?" Alec asked as his hand went to his neck defensively.

"So that's how you lot recognise each other! The whole radar thing was just rubbish."

"Radar? What radar?"

"You know the 'gay-dar'?"

"Do I look happy to ya? Huh? Is this the face of a happy man? Do you think that thing has a chance of working on me!" Alec spit out as he stood up from his stool and leaned over the bar towards the barman.

"Bloody hell mate, calm down. I meant the other meaning. This lad Max really didn't treat you well did he?" said the barman tentatively as he took a step back.

"Lad?" It had all finally clicked for Alec. Unfortunately for the barman it had clicked right at the moment Alec had taken a sip of his whisky which was travelling through the air straight at the barman's face at that precise moment.

"Max is a girl!" Spluttered out Alec.

"Easy lad, easy. What is it you Yanks say? Say it, don't spray it!" The barman told Alec while he tried to wipe away the residue of the whisky which was proving to be futile as the cloth he had been using had been used to wipe away tomato juice previously. "Oh, the missus is gonna kill me when I get home."

Location: TC - Max's Office

"I... "

"You what Max?"

"Do we have to talk about this?"

"Yes, we do. The longer you leave it the harder it is. Trust me Max you will feel so much better once you've analysed your relationship with Logan and decided what you want to do about your future."

"Maybe I don't want to feel better. Maybe I like the way things are right now."

"No you don't."

"Don't tell me what I feel or don't feel!"

"I'm just stating the obvious! YOU are not happy. If that was all then I would have been sad about your unhappiness but would have respected your decision and left you alone but you are making other people unhappy too."

"I'm not!"

"Logan is not happy Max. By stringing him along and making gooey eyes at him you are giving him hope, hope which you guys may not have."

"Logan will be fine Storm."

"What about Alec? Do you think he'll be fine too?"

"Alec IS fine. You are the one who keeps on telling me that he went away to be fine."

"Ok Max. I give up. It's your life." said Storm in a tired voice. As she was about to open the door and leave the room she heard Max whisper:

"I don't want him to die Storm."

Storm turned back and looked at Max who was staring at her hands.

"Logan wont die unless you touch him Max." Storm told her feeling as if they were going around in circles.

"No. Not Logan."

"Who then?"

Then the penny dropped for Storm.

"Alec?" Storm couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Max only nodded to correct her.

"But why would Alec die?"

"Because I care about him."

"What? You care about him? How can you say that? You drove the guy into exile Max!"

"But at least he's alive Storm." said Max with a soft smile on her lips and her eyes shining with unshed tears. "He's alive."

"I gotta sit down for this." said Storm. While she sat down Max heard her mumble "I didn't even slap her that hard."

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Location : TC Command Centre

"Biggs you're gonna wear a whole on the floor if you keep that up."

Biggs had been pacing up and down the Command Centre with some papers in his hands.

"Do you think we should go and check out what's going on?" He asked his eyes darting towards the closed door.

"I don't hear any raised voices." replied Dix without turning his head away from the computer he was using.

"I know that's what scares me."

A/N 1: The track is 'Blurry' by Puddle of Mudd. It just seemed very fitting for Alec's mood.

A/N 2: It may not be as angsty as some of you would have liked but it's been 6 months since his departure so he is slightly more in charge of his feelings. But if you feel the need for more angst feel free to insert shameless plug here read 'The Man in the Mirror' or 'I Feel You' by, surprise surprise me! ; )

A/N 3: The barman is from England, London to be precise. It's where I'm from so under no circumstance was i making fun of Londoners. Oooh and the whole Man-U thing is like a saying between men which I've heard but to this day it still doesn't make completely sense to me, so I'm with Alec on this one!

A/N 4: It feels kinda pointless to say this but I feel that I should. In regards to people's sexual orientation I agree fully with Oscar Wilde when he says 'You must do as your nature dictates'.