Disclaimer: If I owned Red Dwarf do you REALLY think the lawyers would let me wreck the show like this?

Well bit later than planned and here is this extra long chapter - hope it's kind of good and funny, even though it's pointless and stuff... Anyway read on and review! It is now 2:30am and I fear I am so bored I am turning to do homework!... I think the call of noodles comes first though...

"Apart from the fact he's been here 5 hours and has already lost the remote and made the ugly Welsh girl think we're a gay couple-"

"WHAT?" Cried the others in shock.

"Errr long story, the point is, does it really matter he lost it?"

"YES! What about my reality programs?" Hattie whined.

"And it's MY television!" Howard pointed out in an annoyed tone.

"And what about Androids!"

"You don't even live here Bobby."

"Oh details, details!"

"Anyway, no offence baldy-" Danny began as both Howard and Bobby turned to glare at him. "…Old baldy – It's not exactly the newest TV in the world – It's so old it would fit in at one of Dave's antique junk shops!"

"HEY!" Howard yelled jumping to his feet crossly.

"Yes!... I mean what we are all forgetting is that no-one has asked Howard about his date yet!" Lister shouted through the door.

"Hey he's right – Tell everything." Bobby urged, not noticing the look of sadness from Hattie, or the warning shots from Rimmer and Danny.

"It was really weird right she came on so strong – Then just blew me off at the last second!" Howard explained, sighing as he sat down again.

"You didn't have the prawn vindaloo did you? For some reason girls have an anti kiss policy whenever I eat one!" Lister answered, still from the safety of his room.

"You sure that just doesn't happen normally?" Rimmer replied, rolling his eyes dramatically at the wooden door that separated him from the resident tone deaf lout.

"Awww man that's cruel! – And totally untrue! I mean why diss my love life when most women probably run from you in fear that two trains are going to emerge from those nostrils any second!"

"At least I didn't torture people so much on the hospital radio that several people woke up from comas and went home to get away from you!" Rimmer retorted smugly.

"Yeah well you're the one who worked at a Samaritan's helpline and caused 5 people to commit suicide – Including a guy with a wrong number!" Lister through back.

"You've been reading my diary!" Rimmer accused crossly.

"Nah - Couldn't find it yet – It was in a letter from your lawyer saying because of that and other problems he no longer wishes to represent you – Mostly because the 'No win – No fee' policy of his company means you've almost single handily made him bankrupt."

"You read my mail?"

"So? You read my diary!"

"I did NOT!...Ok I did – At least I had the decency to do it sneakily!"

"Sneakily! You rooted through my boxes when I was setting the game up and read it at the table – Hardly sneaky!" Lister pointed out, his voice muffled from speaking through the door

"Was kind of boring anyway – Your handwriting is atrocious! And what I could read was full of drivel about some woman with a really long name." Rimmer sighed, his nostrils flaring massively in the process. He waited for a reply through the door though none came.

"Listy?" Rimmer called tauntingly

"What Rimmer? Waiting for me to serenade your lawyer with my music?" Lister answered after a moment.

"No thanks – 5 Suicides is QUITE enough thank you." Rimmer retorted, his face repulsed at Lister's music playing.

"I don't agree – You're still alive." Danny snapped as he lazed in a chair.

"Oh thanks for that." Rimmer muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Don't mention it!"

"Like what's happening now? We can't use the TV!" Hattie moaned girlishly.

"You could poke the buttons on the monitor with a stick?" Danny yawned.

"You could get a decent TV – Like the mirror ones where everything's voice controlled – state of the art, like Red Dwarf." Rimmer suggested, eyeing Lister's door menacingly.

"That your mother?" Lister quipped with a laugh.

"Where would I get the money?" Howard asked, crossing his arms.

"We could all put some money in?" Hattie suggested doubtfully as she thought of her bank balance.

"Ha that's laughable! – When I was searching for his diary I found Rimmer's wallet – I swear he must be the most tight-fisted man in the universe – I opened it up and released moths – Ugh it was horrible going in there – Couldn't have used the money anyway – decimal currency isn't legal tender anymore!" Lister laughed from the safety of his room.

"Dave – Shut up!" Hattie sighed, yawning.

"Yes and get out here and help us look for the remote so we don't have to keep watching Danny beat up your non-controlled geriatric character!" Howard yelled, hauling himself to his feet as Lister burst out of his room to find the game score 37:0 to Danny.

"Cheater!" Lister accused chucking a cushion at him.

"Seriously bud – Would the score be really any different if you'd been playing?" Danny asked as he chucked down the game pad.

"He has got a point Listy – All you're managing to do is kill your granny character!" Rimmer scoffed smugly.

"Yes but at least she isn't real when I kill her – You manage to kill people with the sound of your voice!" Lister retorted grinning as Danny threw back the cushion catching him on the jaw.

"Children, children, grow up and help search - Maybe the place should be tidied up a bit as well?" Bobby asked as he kicked a few of Lister's games.

"What are you? – A housewife or a girl?" Lister joked as he threw the cushion back at Danny but missed and landed in Bobby's arms.

"No – Just not the kind of person who likes mess, in anyone's home." Bobby corrected proudly.

"In that case catch this cloth and do the washing up while we clear up Dave's mess." Hattie challenged sweetly as she and Bobby each threw the object they were holding, the cushion and cloth passing gracefully in mid air before being caught respectively by the alternate person.

"See he's a girl!" Lister protested, his voice rising in pitch.

"No Lister –It just mean's he'd be good at sports." Rimmer retorted, grinning.

"Hey I can play sports!" Lister argued in a hurt tone.

"Lister we are talking about physical exercise – The kind of games that require more than opposable thumbs and a game pad!"

"Whatever Rimmer – I'm fit as a fiddle me!"

"Tell that to your excess flab!"

"I haven't got excess flab!"

"Buddy do you really want to make this tell a lie, go to hell thing easy for those who decide the outcome of your plea into heaven?" Danny joked, his teeth glinting mockingly.

"Like heaven and hell really exist!"
"Oooooh that's gonna cost ya!"

"He's right Dave – God is real, I bet he's very smart – like an IQ of 6000!" Howard added lifting up one of the chairs and peering underneath.

"Why 6000?"

"6000 PE teachers!"

"Yuck – Mental image of 6000 sweaty, fat and ugly gym teachers with their whistles and shorts lost in their cleavages." Lister whined, hitting his hand on his forehead.

"Cheers Listy – Did you have to share that image?"

"Hey if I'm going down mentally – I'm bringing you all with me."

"In that case we won't be going down very far!"

"What?"

"Doesn't matter – You go eat a banana like a good chimpanzee!" Rimmer laughed as he nudged some of Lister's games tentatively, scanning the ground for the remote.

"Bananas? Nasty!" Lister responded, his face screwing up with distaste.

"You don't like bananas monkey man?"

"BANANAS? He doesn't like fruit!" Danny blurted out as he nibbled on one of his nails to even out an imperfection.

"Really? Well that explains a lot Listy – especially the pudginess around your cheeks!" Rimmer criticised his eyes glinting with pleasure at the argument.

"What? No I haven't!"

"Sorry to tell you bud – But you've got Chipmunk Cheeks!" Danny said, patting Lister on the shoulder, his face as serious as a man could be whilst biting his lips to prevent giggling.

"You guys gonna help today or should I just wake you up tomorrow with my special alarm?" Hattie warned, her hands placed firmly on her hips/

"What's her 'Special alarm'? Lister asked cheekily.

"Trust me – It's painful!" Rimmer grimaced at the thought.

"You really wanna know?" Hattie asked huskily as she leaned in close to Lister. "Well close your eyes…" Lister did as she asked and waited as he felt her warm breath on his ear…

"AWOOGA! AWOOGA!" She hollered at the top of her lungs causing Lister to jump high into the air as the others burst into laughter.

"Smegging hell!"

"I did warn you!" Rimmer laughed happily.

"Cheers Rimmer – Thanks a lot! Gawd Hattie I think you burst an eardrum! Stop your laughing! It ain't funny! Let's just find the damn remote control before I give you all wake up calls with my guitar!"