Disclaimer: I own nothing worth while..sob. Sob
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Chapter Three
Portraits and Lawn Care
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Barbie's POV
Remember the Alamo.
No, that's not right! Oh, yeah, now I remember. After showing the guys to their respective digs-rooms- I personally hit the sack right away. You have to remember, I was still recovering from the flu and a way too much ice cream. I again only got a few more hours of sleep before I heard some noise out in the living room.
My first inclination was to hide under my pillow and hope Professor Morarity or some other literary nasty hadn't decided to make an appearance.
On second thought, I jumped out of bed, and slunk down the hallway in my robe. Looking disgustingly awake was the entire Fellowship.
"What…are you guys doing?" I asked grumpily" It's like, five thirty or something."
"Waiting for yourself and the Lady Emily," said Gandalf gravely. It wasn't exactly a reproof, but it felt like one. Now that was stupid, an uninvited guest, waking their patient hostess at five thirty, and making her feel silly that she prefers more sane hours, like….elvenish?
And they looked hungry. Groan.
I ran down the hallway and flung Emily's door open with a bang. If I had to be awake, then EVERYONE has to be awake. Darn it! She already was, pacing back and forth, AND dressed.
"Hey Ms. Perfect, their awake," I said sarcastically.
"What are you talking about?" asked Emily, looking confused.
"Never mind. Anyway, their hungry, and all I know how to make for breakfast is oatmeal and bread pudding."
"No bread pudding!" said Emily vehemently.
"Well, whatever, their still hungry, and I think I shall go….back…to….bed.." I gave an enormous yawn.
"No way, you're not going to leave me to do everything," she said. "You are really mean, y'know that?" I grumbled, following her back out to the kitchen. Emily began raiding the fridge, while I yanked my hair back into a braid.
"Why don't you just give them Cheerios or something," I said, reasonably enough.
"Are you kidding! That would be.. sacrilege!"
"Ok, ok, don't have a stroke. Oh, by the way, I'm sure they'll want to clean up.. Or wash up or polish up before eating, so someone will have to show how to use the sinks and stuff" I said, sneakily throwing a wrench into Emily's already half-formed plans.
She glared at me, as if aware of my evil scheme( Mwahahahahahahahahahahha). Then her face changed, and she smiled sweetly at me.
Uh-oh.
"Fine then, I'll do that and YOU make breakfast," she said, handing me a carton of eggs.
"But-I-that's not -" I stopped myself, and answered her smile. "Ok, I'll just have Sam help me," I said, thinking" HAHAHAHA, sister dear!"
So, muttering, she led the whole troop- with the exception of Sam- down the hallway to the bathroom. I turned to the stove, and set the eggs down, and was turning to get frying pan, when Sam held up one at my elbow.
"Wow! This thing is like, really famous!" I said, setting it on the stove like china. Sam looked confused. ' Look, I can explain later, just let me turn on the stove." I switched on the burner to lo, and grabbed the vegetable oil can.
"What's that?" inquired Sam, saying something for the first time.
"GreeeeeeaZe," I said in a weird voice, shaking the can, "Zis leetle can is greeeeeaze!"
Sam backed away a little, frightened either of me, or my switch to a German accent. I laughed, and gave the pan a liberal coating" Never mind me," I said cheerfully " I always was partially insane."
That didn't seem to reassure him much, but he seemed more at home when I handed him the egg carton. It was so much fun watching him cook( I did have to get him a stool) that I let him do all of it, while I set the table. (Note; there were some odd noises coming from down the hallway at that time. I have no idea what they meant, and only my darling sister would be able to do that for us. Hint ,hint.)
Then I sat down and watched him, hum-singing, for despite my ancient sixteen years, I have been known to do some fairly odd things. "Five little sausages in a PAN, one got hot and it went BAM, four little sausages in a PAN, one got hot and it went BAM!" I buzzed cheerfully.
I heard a polite cough behind me, and turned around. Watching me, his mouth twitching slightly was Legolas. I felt my face flame in embarrassment, and rushed by him to get some orange juice from the freezer.
Barbie's thoughts. "Woohoo genius girl! You just acted like a five year old in front of the coolest-nicest-most talented-ELF in the Fellowship. Never mind that he's the ONLY elf in the Fellowship! You still acted like a-a kid from la-la Barney land!"
End of thoughts.
All through breakfast too, I had the distinct impression that he was laughing at me. Silently, in his mind, but still laughing. Shudders.
Then after breakfast, Frodo helped me clear away the dishes while the rest gathered into for a council of sorts.
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Emily's POV.
Barbie has a terrible habit of acting like a five year old sometimes and I was afraid to leave her alone with Sam. However I had worked myself into a corner and had the most embarrassing job to do now. How do you discreetly explain what a toilet is? So I simply said that it was a "chamber pot" for "when you had to go". I think they got it.
The worst moment came when Gimli tried to drink the mouth wash. He gagged and choked for five minutes straight, and I was sure the rest of the fellowship would have killed me if he had died. I showed him (Gimli) how the sink worked and he was fascinated and so I weaseled my way out of that one…..barely.
As we were eating Sam's delightful breakfast, I got a good look at each one of them. I want to tell you what they all looked like, because I am telling you now that both Tolkien and Peter Jackson got it wrong. Well, okay they each got part of it right.
The Wizard: He was tall and would probably have been taller than Aragorn if he wasn't stooped over so far. His hair was long and gray, a flat uninteresting color; and his beard was down passed his waist in length. I was annoyed by how his hair was always swinging into his eyes and thought of offering him a barrette. However I didn't, and the only thing that really bothered me was the smoking and long, long cane. It bumped into everything and we had already lost one lamp to it. He was quiet, wise, and always respectful. I never got the chance to get comfortable around him, because he seemed to look right through you and I disliked that the most. I had nothing to hide, but it didn't matter. At least he made Boromir leave us girls alone. By the way Sir Ian? His nose was long;( score one Peter Jackson!).
The King (almost): Aragorn was taller at least 6'7 and lean. I suppose that came from all the rangering( is that a word?) he did. He wasn't the greasy dirty guy that Peter Jackson made him. Granted, that he was not as clean as I would have liked but still not the butter ball that was Viggo Mortenson. But he had disappointingly tiny blue eyes! I had never seen tiny eyes until I met Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He carried himself with pride and dignity and a very LARGE sword hung from his hip. I don't think he ever put it down. He had a certain air of world-weariness, and at quiet moments he would stare off into the distance thinking, always thinking. All in all, very Kingly. Oh yeah and smoking ….Gag.
The Ringbearer: The words cute and adorable do not work here. Sorry girls but Frodo does not look like the perfect 'Lija Wood in any way, but his eyes. As huge as Aragorn's were tiny they bored holes through you. But his face was sad, depressed kind of sad. I noticed right away the hand creeping close to his chest every few minutes to be certain the ring was there. I hadn't seen it and I didn't want to, I knew if the Fellowship was real than that meant the ring had power of some kind and I didn't want to test it. He also looked like a guy in his late twenties not like an 18 year old. Anyway, hobbit feet are ugly and big and hairy and disgusting! 'Nuff said. He did however have the glossiest and most beautiful curly brown hair. I want to touch it but I would probably have my hand cut off by an over zealous protector. "CoughBoromirCough."
The Man of Gondor : He was broad shouldered( score one Tolkien) and muscular, but he was almost as tall as Aragorn. He was just a shade under 6'6, and another thing that Tolkien got wrong (yes, he can make mistakes!) was that he had red-blond hair (score two Peter Jackson) and brown eyes! I was kind of surprised that he had them, considering the fact that he was always told to have grey or green eyes. But in the end he had brown. I liked him a little but it took all the time we had together to get to the place where he trusted us. However we aren't at that point in the story yet. So he had no sense of trust of anyone but those in the Fellowship, and than not really with all of them; especially Aragorn. (Oh, and he didn't smoke! Go Boromir!)
The Elf: I don't know if any of you have ever seen an angel but I believe I have, and I think all angels most be elves. He was beautiful, there is no other way to say it. Tall, lean and more graceful than any prima ballerina; he was almost painful to look at. Because deep inside of you, you almost knew that you were seeing the best thing ever created, and would never be like it. No wonder elves don't fall in love with men, we are so unlovely that I don't blame them at all. His hair was blond, (score three for Peter Jackson) wheat blond and his hair, like the rest of him seemed to glow. That was the strangest thing about him, the fact that he glowed. And yet he was …..human, he had a sense of humor and there was a kindliness in his eyes that you could feel and almost touch. But don't misunderstand, I wouldn't dream of ever touching him. I was dead afraid of him. ( He also didn't smoke, Thank God!)
The Jester: The cutest little guy who ever walked the face of the earth. He has the most beguiling green eyes that I have seen in my life! And perfect copper blond curls ohhhhh how I loved those curls! Pippin was the most out going of the whole group and he was the first one to be friendly toward Barbie and I. Sure, Gandalf was respectful, and Aragorn polite, but not friendly. He was the older than we girls and so he sort of looked at us like sisters, so he teased us unmercifully! And we loved it! Pippin also had a bad smoking habit like the rest of them, it was hard to enforce the rule of smoking out doors, when he gave his puppy dog look. No wonder Diamond of Long Cleeve fell for the charmer, she never stood a chance against him!
The Sidekick: Gosh, I hate having to use that term in relation to Meriadoc Brandybuck ( I think that is such a cool name!) Next to Pippin He was the most lovable of all the hobbits, he was also taller than Pippin. He had blue eyes and frizzy yellow hair and quite a good sense of humor. Once we were comfortable with each other he opened up and told some of the funniest jokes I had ever heard. "What did one hobbit say to the other hobbit when he wanted a beg a drink of ale?" Pleased to MEAD you!" Okay, so maybe they weren't that funny but he was sweet: and since than I have ever defended his person fiercely. So Merry lovers I am on you side! He could also kick the backside of people much taller than himself and I wouldn't want to have had him for an enemy.
The Dwarf: Gimli, son of Gloin has, and always will dislike me. We never hit it off right, and I didn't have Legolas's elven charm to change his mind. He thought of us girls as unnecessary evils, and would have been glad if we had never been born. We couldn't fight, or defend ourselves in anyway, shape or form. And since we were both dark in hair and eye color, we weren't even pretty. He was outraged like "coughPippincough" about having to smoke out doors. I tried to explain that we didn't smoke, and how our Mom would kill us if the smell got into the furniture. It didn't seem to make much difference to him, he asked if mom made our Father and brothers smoke outside? When we told him that neither our father or our brothers smoked he simply refused to believe us. I guess he thought that everyone (who was male) smoked and if you didn't you were a sissy. He didn't say that but I could tell that's what he meant. And Peter Jackson totally had him pegged as to looks and the only thing that came a shock was the fact that he was very short. He was only about a foot taller than the hobbits.
The Cook: Samwise Gamgee is and always will the be the ideal hobbit in my eyes. He was a faithful caring and tender. Ladies, we all missed the perfect man when he married Rosie Cotton. He tirelessly watched out for Frodo and was unfailingly gentle and understanding. Yes, he was a bit chunky, but he was sincere, and in this day and age that means so much. He never said what he didn't mean: and if he did say something unfeeling he would almost always come and ask pardon later. He had tender grey eyes and a shy, hesitant smile that warmed your heart to see. He was perfect. He was also the best cook, I will carry his cooking as a standard for food all the rest of my life.
There I have finally cleared that off the table, sorry that it got so long but I want you to know what they were really like. Believe not or not, I know it's true.
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Barbie's POV
Frodo had seemed pretty wary of me at first, so I was pleased when he actually talked to me while we cleaned up the kitchen. He'd ask " What's this?" while pointing at the sink/dishwasher/fan/coffeemaker/microwave/stove/lights/CD player-well, you get the idea.
I am somewhat afraid that in my distracted state of mind that I told him that CD players cast spells on you, microwaves were a type of cauldron and that the stove was for cooking annoying hobbits. I don't think he took me seriously. Nobody listens to me.
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Emily's POV
The rest of the Fellowship members are gathering in the living room for a super totally not a secret council meeting. I can vaguely hear Barbara threatening Frodo, I think she said she was going to cook him? It would never happen, Sam would kill her if she tried anything.
Back to the not-secret-council, Gandalf again took center stage in the brown recliner and the rest of us just took whatever seat we could find. I sat on the couch next to the friendly (by now) Pippin.
Gandalf began with " We must all put it to our minds to find a way back to our own time. No doubt Sauron has used his power to bring us here where we have no allies at all. From what Lady Emily has said elves have all left these shores now, and all mankind believes us to be only a fable. I believe that if he can, he will try to take the ring from us at this time and without mercy to any in his path."
"Do you mean he might have sent orcs and the Nazgul to our time also? They could be running around now killing people?" I asked. It was a horrible thought, how would the government deal with real honest to goodness monsters?
Gandalf looked tried and said "I fear so. We must ever be on our guard against a possible attack. But I see that this house offers little shelter from them. I have endeavored to contact the Lady of the Golden Wood but I cannot reach her. I fear we are lost to the world as we know it."
His words fell like a heavy cloud of depression on the whole company, and even though I was home and safe I felt it too.
Aragorn stood and walked to the windows and carefully scanned the street and yard for any sign of an enemy. I could see the wheels turning in his mind and I wondered if he was thinking about the fact that he would never see Arwen again.
"But what about the Ring?" I asked "I mean, if its here than Sauron can't use it to ruin Middle Earth right?" I searched their faces and Gandalf who looked dejected. "Right?" I asked again.
"Do you think that the Ring has no power now?" He asked " In your time when you have such power to dominant and destroy would he be any different?"
"I never thought about it that way" I said.
Fordo burst out with "Why can't we use the Ring to get back to Middle Earth, Gandalf? Surely we would be able to use it this once for the good of all free folk!"
"No Frodo, don't believe it! That could be just what he is waiting for us to do. It may be the way in which he will find us." this from a till now quiet Aragorn.
Boromir gave a quiet snort that this, and I remembered with a jolt that he would betray them in time. Was the Ring even now calling to him? (shudders)
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Barbie's POV
I am normally a cheerful, optimistic person, and all this talk of doomsdays and end of the worlds past and present was an instant soberer. I was on the couch with Gimli and Legolas during that time, and when Gandalf said "the elves have all left these shores" Legolas got this look in his eyes, like he couldn't believe what he was hear hearing.
Even Gimli looked serious, I had already informed him that dwarves were only considered humans with a genetic disorder. The hobbits had each other, Boromir and Aragorn were human, and Gandalf-well, he was Gandalf. That left the elf and dwarf alone, and when you're alone, differences of height or race don't seem to matter much. Now don't get me wrong, they sure weren't "Oh hail fellow well met." but I think it was at that time that they ceased to be total enemies.
When everyone else had talked themselves out at this super-non-secret council( funny how it resembled Elrond's) I thought it an appropriate moment to ask a question (ominous music begins to play).
"Ok, if we can't use the Ring, contact Galadrial, or anything, what are we supposed to do?" Everyone looked blank for a moment and I muttered "Well, well, looks like your heroes aren't too great at answering their own questions." I thought I had said this quietly, but Legolas glanced my way. (Drat that elven hearing!)
I turned to Emily, trying to avoid blushing( ARGH) and asked "You have any ideas on what to do with them?" Emily teeheed to herself and than said, with a sneaky smile " I should have them measured for a new suit of clothes."
"Can we take them to Wal-Mart?" I understood perfectly her answer, Dickens always provides one with something to say. "We definitely couldn't take Gandalf, Gimli or Legolas with us. The hobbits might fit some of the boys clothes."
"What's a… Wal-Mart?" inquired Merry, looking interested. " A store, you can buy all kinds of things there," I explained, this could be fun.
"No one is going anywhere." said Gandalf firmly. Thanks, Fashion Wizard of the Year, what would you like to wear? Grey, gray or gray? Maybe some off white?( Note. This was said in head. Learned lesson already.)
"What do we do now?" I asked, for lack of anything else to say.
Portrait
"Now, you take this thing-here-and then-pull it like this." Emily was trying to show Aragorn how to start a lawn mower. It wasn't going too well.
Sam was tending our neglected flowers and the rest of the hobbits were weeding. Legolas and Gimli were taking turns string trimming, the latter swearing volubly the whole time.
I actually can't remember what Gandalf was doing at the time. We were told something's like that would happen. But I'm getting ahead of the story.
I was myself inside, making lemonade. At least, I was supposed to be, I was actually watching Legolas through the window. Then he looked up and SAW me! He smiled, and I ducked behind the pitcher. Every time I had an encounter with him I ended up blushing. I also felt like an idiot.
Even idiots can make lunch though, and I called the guys inside when it was ready. No peanut butter. Definitely not peanut butter.
We were only about halfway through, when an odd shadow seemed to cover the sun. And then we heard it. The most terrifying sound known to mankind. The scream of a Nazgul, hunting it's prey.
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Authors Note's: "Hello all you loyal fans! I…..wait just a second! Where are all the loyal fans?"
Winkle: "It would appear that we have none, Mr. Snodgrass sir."
Snodgrass: "None at all? Well, we'll have to do something about that, now won't we? Like a cliffhanger! Mwhahahahahah! I have always wanted to say that!"
Winkle: "You're a sadistic fellow Mr. Snodgrass sir"
Snodgrass: "Oh shut up!"